Monday, 21 May 2007
Greatest Britons 2007, ITV1
Kate Thornton (the presenter): A dried up pair of ruined housepainter’s trousers ironed out and bleached in an effort to make them look presentable.
Amy Winehouse (the greatest living British musician – official) : A six-sided dice that has had all the markings eroded away by overuse but that still flings itself about in its box begging to be used.
Robbie Williams (not quite as good as Amy in the music category but he was one of the top five Great Britons): An abandoned, occupied coffin that is valiantly limping to try to and keep up with the rest of the funeral procession, but is really only holding up traffic.
The Queen (the winner – didn't bother showing up, though): A tarot card driven to stoic insanity by the knowledge of its inevitable future.
Prince Edward (did bother showing up to pocket mummy's award) : A piece of dog shit allowed to stay in the bowel well past the date upon which it should have been expelled.Ricky Gervais (the greatest living British TV star – official): A rabble of shirtless shirt buttons marching to London to demand fewer legal rights for trousers.
David Beckham (got a global achievement award but lost out to Sir Ranulph Fiennes when it came to the sports category): A star that has spent the last billion years reading an Agatha Christie novel but now has gone supernova on the penultimate page.
Geri Halliwell: A snort of a choleric horse’s snout shortly before it is put down for bring too dull to ride.
The 1966 World Cup victory: A crime scene cordoned off for 41 years, where the crime is only remembered as it now obstructs pedestrians.
Paul McCartney (one of the top five Great Britons) : Thirty-seven years’ worth of unsold calendars now providing tramps with material for mattresses.Giles Deacon (the greatest living British figure of fashion – official): The odorous remnants of a drunken laddette’s belch sewn into the night sky with stardust.Margaret Thatcher (one of the top five Great Britons): The shaved-off fur from a cat about to undergo an operation that has been kicked under a desk by a lazy veterinary nurse.
Julie Andrews (one of the top five Great Britons): A stone cold cup of coffee being eyed thirstily by a neglected package holiday to Hollywood.
Sacha Baron Cohen: The frantic rush by a team of surveyors to measure and record the mouth span of a yawning child.
Daniel Craig: A lone lung protesting outside the Houses of Parliament about the heat of the sun.
Jimmy Carr: The impossibility of Jamie Oliver being frantically explained to a class of five-year-olds by a blooming garden as it is eaten alive by greenfly.
Kyran Bracken: Polish scraped from a shoe that was so bright that it blinded a car.
Gordon Brown: A warm hug that has become infested by a colony of cockroaches.
Gordon Ramsay: A sodden used teabag trying to launch itself to the Moon.
Sir Geoff Hurst: A blameless written sentence that has been barbarously chopped up and fed to feral window cleaners.
Simon Cowell: The opposite of water.
Peter Jones: A perfectly healthy heart that has been ripped from the chest and replaced by an auctioneer’s rhythmically banging hammer.Bansky (the greatest living British artist – official): An unfair bank charge that has gone on a murderous massacre, killing hundreds of innocent questions.
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