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Saturday, 12 January 2008

Harry Hill’s TV Burp, ITV1

Harry Hill’s TV Burp
Were the sketches a belch or a hiccup?
• Introduction: Geri Halliwell limbers up for comeback gigs. Emmerdale introduces Yorkshire cocktails ‘A pint and a shut your gob’. Natasha Kaplinsky rejects "dressed like hooker" claims, and Jeremy Clarkson launches a new game show. Belch
• Age Swap. Mike Reid as an unconvincing Rastafarian. Funny when he’s trying to talk rasta to an agent, who then tells colleague the so-called rasta sounded like ….. Mike Reid! Belch
• Holiday Showdown. Delight as family gets holiday travelling round Birmingham Canal System. ‘What’s that?’ says wife. Dad hates Welsh people so, of course, they meet the Jones family round the next corner. Hiccup.
• John Lydon Shark Attack. Pistols man meets Jaws. Hiccup.
• Eastenders. Kat meets baby with words ‘I told you mum she should get rid of you.’ Plus a montage of tea references. Belch
• No Going Back. Chaos At The Castle. Lots of standing about not saying anything, proving "less haste, more speed" isn't always the best maxim. Hiccup.
• Nigel Marven (again). This time it’s meerkats and their cuteness, followed by footage of "evil" meerkats causing Thatcher to fall, Windsor Castle to burn down etc. Belch
• Shark fights toaster and wins. Hiccup
• Corrie's missing bike. Zubin/Jess kiss and Eiffel Tower lights up. Ken Barlow hates quiz shows. Belch
• The Bill. Woman who looks like back of transit van. Kerry’s funeral and dyslexic florists. Hiccup
• Emmerdale. Sam Dingle’s chat-up lines. Cain’s temper. Belch.
• The Real Mrs Robinson. Funniest item on show. Minging mum and daughter try to get bloke to take them to Milan. Faced with the dismal prospect, he sends them both to Milan without him. Mum can’t get babysitter so daughter takes friend. Belch
• Coronation Street. Chesney and Meerkat knickers. Baby Amy Barlow on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Belch.
Totals – Belches: Eight; Hiccups Five.
Note to producers: It is alright to have audience hysteria when the material is excellent, but when it's not, we end up wondering what on earth they’re laughing instead of concentrating on the show.

Harry Hill’s TV Burp
Were the items in Saturday's show big belches of humour or mere hiccups?
• Introduction: Exorcisms on Casualty; machismo on Emmerdale; Alan Titchmarsh claiming there are only 20 mammals in Ireland; indecipherable dialogue in Corrie
and Monarch of the Glen. Big belch of laughter.
• Coronation Street: Ashley’s hand-like feet; Deirdre’s jellyfish wedding hat; a BB Nadia look-a-like; and Dev’s insensitivity to his jailed wife. Belch.
• The Bill: Okaro recruits a new giant police officer; suicidal babies; and how paracetamol can cheer you up. Belch.
• Beyond River Cottage: A lack of hygiene in the kitchen; Hugh’s hearts and tongues special for Valentine’s Day doesn’t receive any takers; and Swiss Toni’s new career as a Dorset fisherman. Belch.
• Casualty: The two blonde pink nurses – the short one who does “lengths” in the scenes and the taller one who does “widths”. Belch.
• Fooling Hitler: How the British fooled Hitler with canvas planes and decoy airfields and women on horseback with trumpets. Belch.
• Second half introduction: Suicidal birds near Titchmarsh, and Beyond River Cottage’s butcher gets his comeuppance. A meek hiccup of humour.
• Wife Swap: Bad tempered Phil’s out of date food. Hiccup
• EastEnders: Ian Beale rebreands; the “full” nail bar; Spencer spreading a piece of toast like a small child; Demi Miller’s birth sounding like a Formula One race; and Kat laughing and crying simultaneously. Belch.
• Search For The Deadliest Shark: Nigel Marven defends sharks, and Nigel’s pal gets bitten. Hiccup.
• Emmerdale: Paul Shane gets a job on EastEnders. Belch.
Totals Big Belches of Laughter: Eight; Meek Hiccups of Humour: Three

Harry Hill’s TV Burp
Were the items in Saturday's show big belches of humour or mere hiccups??
• Introduction where Harry mocked Britain’s worst sniper in Spooks when the assassin shot a dog from two yards away. Belch
• Holiday Showdown, where we were introduced to Mr Jeffries a “bodyguard to the stars”, whose clients included Harry Enfield. “Security for Harry Enfield: the toughest job of them all!” Belch.
• Holby City, where Robert Kilroy-Silk’s doppelganger could be seen in the background. “I’d like to see a white nurse, please.” Belch.
• EastEnders where Pauline is cleaning her bricks in the dark, which led on to EastEnders Top Trumps. “Cleanliness of Bricks: Pauline Fowler: 9; Rose Miller
2.” Belch.
• Jennie Bond’s Royals, featuring Jennie’s stand-up/name drop routine about Diana’s tights. Belch.
• Emmerdale with the imaginary ferret in Zak Dingle’s trousers and the Dingles’ party with Dr Robert Winston Dingle. Belch.
• Trains With Pete Waterman. A meek hiccup of humour.
• British Isles – A Natural History, with Alan Titchmarsh as a Neanderthal compared to Zak Dingle. Hiccup.
• “Jennie Bond” and “Pete Waterman” fight. Hiccup.
• Headlines, including fans of EastEnders’ Ferreira clan hold a benefit for their salvation – in an empty room. Hiccup.
• How To Be A Property Developer, where the host didn’t move his arms at all. Belch.
• Coronation Street, where Baby Barlow seemed to come through the door in his pram under his own steam. Belch.
• Beyond River Cottage, where Hugh stuck his arms into a cow’s rear for warmth. Belch.
• Wife Swap where a husband gave a prejudiced view of the Germans. Belch.
• Rosemary & Thyme, when the pair awkwardly got into their car. Hiccup.
• The Bill, where June and Gabriel were talking in a car but seemed to go faster when June was talking. Belch.
• Mediums, with Gordon Smith who was described as a “psychic barber” (“What’s that? He looks into the future and predicts a hair cut?”) And later, when an elderly supporter of Gordon “stakes her life” that success won’t change him. (“It’s easy for you to say, you’ve had most of it.”) Belch.
• Christmas previews with “Ferreira” Roche Chocolates, Hiccup.
Totals Belches: 12; Hiccups: Six.

Harry Hill's TV Burp
1. Emmerdale’s timid Emily and her fear of clowns. “The way they squeeze into cars. There shouldn’t be so many people in a car!” she wailed.
2. Alan Titchmarsh’s eulogy of the beauty of our nation from British Isles: A Natural History played over grotesque scenes from reality television such as Booze Britain and Wife Swap.
3. Burger Barry from Booze Britain and his “fantastic” anecdotes appearing on Jonathan Ross, Richard And Judy and Frank Skinner.
4. The indestructible Meya from Corrie, who first crashed her car and then was hit by a lorry. At which point Harry takes over and she is crushed by a 10 tonne weight, before he cuts her torso in two – but she still lives.
5. Building on Anotonio Fargas’s nickname of Huggy, Harry gives all the other celebrities monikers – the best of which is Paul Burrell’s of “Traitor”.

Harry Hill's TV Burp
1 The Musicality contenders performing a version of Dry Your Eyes by The Streets
2 Poking fun at the Essex wives version of Wife Swap including the spelling of Leesa, the horse statues, fishing hooligans, the dog muck covered Wife Swap garden at the Chelsea Flower Show, the confusion over Paul's remark "I don't think you should judge a book by its cover, but when it comes to appearance I think you can" and Harry's observation: "When you're sitting at home watching a large lady retching as she picks up dog muck, you're thinking 'John Logie Baird – if only you could see what your invention of television has been used for. You'll be so proud."
3 The tarty old woman in Britain's Worst Mother-In-Law ("Call Wayne Rooney")
4 Coronation Street: Karen's deadly weapon – the cushion.
5 Coronation Street again – The Great Blue Tit In Residence

Harry Hill's TV Burp
1 Britain's Worst Wives: Harry ridiculed the woman who said "Open Sesame" to her microwave because she didn't know how it opened; sneered at the mother who put her kids to bed in school uniform to save time in the morning; and delighted in the woman who served pasta with mayonnaise and corned beef – "Pasta Chavonnaise". "She also does penne con ketchup and linguine al Branston."
2 The Bill: spotlighting "wibbly wobbly", June getting a stitch after just three yards and the suspect distracted by "a fly"
3 Conviction: how Reece Dinsdale's character was always blurred in the BBC3 drama
4 The Codray family's unhealthy diet in Holiday Showdown – and their love of the waxworks
5 The brain-numbing prospect of another Walford Wanderers storyline in EastEnders.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 17 March 2007
Highlights
• Jim Carver's risqué "Flip him over and have him up the M6" statement in The Bill
• Action man Bear Grylls flapping about like a seal as he tried to get out an ice hole and then drying himself on... "Snow! Of course! Nature's towel."
• Harry cracking a proper joke after a Freaky Eaters clip showing a woman eating Minstrels plucked from between her legs. "She's under pressure. She must have had pre-Minstrel tension!"
• Harry doing the EastEnders theme on bike horns again.
• Smallest Amount of Sick Produced When Being Sick of the Week, preceding a clip from Emmerdale
• Harry's Corrie character rhymes eg "She drinks in pubs, she murdered Charlie Stubbs, Tracey Barlow!"
• The skit with Pearl taking an age to answer the door in Emmerdale, and nicking Harry's Crunchie along the way.
• Australian Princess contender Kylie Booby being too thick to realise what was meant when she was compared with a house where the lights are on but no-one's home.
• The dinosaur crushing the bluetit in the fight.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 30 December 2006
Top 10 Highlights
10. EastEnder Billy's origami skills being so poor that it sends a baby into a coma.
9. The Worst Limerick of the Week, from Heartbeat.
8. The exploding bra on Heartbeat.
7. TV Highlight of the Week - a table being cleaned in Corrie.
6. Harry noting that there always has to be a wedding at Christmas in one of the soaps, before giving one of his asides to the adjacent camera: "Of course, in real life, no one gets married at Christmas... because it's Christmas."
5. Harry highlighting how he likes to sit down to some uplifting drama at Christmas, only to be greeted by assorted murders, crying, fights, threats and screaming matches on the soaps.
4. The Corrie sketch that resulted from Cilla saying she wanted to swim with dolphins and Les noting that no dolphins live in their area. It featured Wendy Peters meeting the new family of dolphins who had moved in down the road talking about how they'd just been to 'Frainsbury's' (a reference to the cunning name Corrie writers gave to the local food store - Freshco's).
3. Harry complimenting the Emmerdale soap writers for their 'subtle' use of foreshadowing leading up to the murder of Tom King.
2. The Bill's DCI Manson looking at a desiccated corpse (virtually a skeleton) in a flat and commenting: "Been here a while, then?"
1. The footage of the rescue of the whale that swam up the Thames which made the creature look like Hercule Poirot (yes, you had to see this one, really).

Lowlight
The early fart gags. We can only assume that this was a sop to the ITV execs who love a bit of lowest common denominator TV and would probably take TV Burp off if it became too clever

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 14 April 2007
Highlights
• Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber speaking about his new Joseph programme on BBC1 and asking if lightning could strike twice. Harry obliged, crisping Andy very nicely, thank you very much.
• "Do you ever wonder what Ulrika would look like on steroids?" asked Harry, followed by a nice clip from Muscle Worship: Hidden Lives.
• Harry getting in a mention of the mustard shop in Norwich. Last time he made a joke about them their business reportedly zoomed up with alarming rapidity. "Thanks for the hamper," winked Harry.
• Some more mocking of five's Mean Machines series. This week it was cranes. Harry was concerned that he'd been tricked by shows like this before and wasn't convinced that they would include cranes on tracks. He was wrong - "No crane will escape our attention, not even cranes with tracks," proclaimed the narrator.
• The funny introductory piece for Mean Machines: Ordinary Household Items - including a toaster, a kettle and the toilet.
• Billy Mitchell in EastEnders looked like he was having things packed into his trousers. Back to the studio and Harry was unpacking his groceries from his trousers, too. Just by chance, his groceries included his very own DVD. Sly.
• "Have you ever scrubbed the floor while being ridden by an imaginary cowboy?" Harry wondered. Dot Cotton has.
• Classic TV Burp clip - a dalek on Holby.
• Lots more fun with Paul Burrell and his Aussie Princess crap. This week featured a clip of him saying: "It was ox tongue, not a vagina." And then he got very angry about tea-making. Milk should always go in last, he shouted - he described this as the "Cardinal sin of teatime etiquette." Harry thought it more likely that the cardinal sin of teatime etiquette was loading up the van with the princess's stuff while she was indisposed with tea drinking.
• Harry's son Gary as Alan Sugar.
• Harry mercilessly taking the mick out of Aled Jones. Although, Aled is a top bloke. We're sure he didn't mind.
• Bear Grylls was this week trying to survive somewhere really cold. "The trick with avalanches is to read the snow," he explained. Harry revealed that what was written in the snow was: "You're wasting your time."
• Bear proving he can even survive the most inhospitable environment on earth - a Light Entertainment studio - by appearing to sing Bare Necessities.
Lowlight
• Last in the series. What a shame. But what a brilliant run as TV Burp has finally been getting the figures it deserved. Has ITV finally realised what a jewel it has here?

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 31 March 2007
Highlights
• Jadene off The Apprentice saying "Life isn't all biscuits and sandwiches."
• Andy Jackson off The Apprentice explaining he's given up a great job, he has a lovely wife (raised eyebrows from Harry) and how he's worked all his life for his chance. Sir Sugar: "Andy, you're fired."
• Washday on The Bill, where whole estates did their washing.
• Best TV Insult of the Week: from Life on Mars, mainly to do with slang names for homosexuals and supporting Man Utd.
• Derek off of Sleep Clinic always falling out of bed. Harry suggested he sleep in a wider bed, not a "two-foot shelf". This also led into a nice sketch where Derek wandered into Harry's room and trashed it in his sleep, including poor Harry's domino set-up.
• Meryl Streep on Real Extras.
• Another Real Extras person trying to sing. It didn't go well, so he said: "Again, a difficult song to sing without a microphone or music." Harry: "Or if you can't sing."
• Bear Grylls demonstrated how to start a fire, adding "You can put the coal with a coconut tinder bundle to get fire." Harry: "Coconut Tinder Bundle? That's one of Bob Geldof's kids isn't it?"
• Most Inappropriate Excitement at Seeing a Bath of the Week. You'd think they'd only ever seen a wash basin.
• It's raining men on Casualty.
• The Real Extras guy singing Don't Go Breaking My Heart with a radiator. This was OK, but funniest was Harry walking on at the end and yelling "Happy Birthday Elton!" - Best Tribute to Elton John's Birthday of the Week.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 24 March 2007
Highlights
• Bagpuss ("I is well happy") updated for the kids today in response to Life on Mars' Camblewick Green segment.
• EastEnders – someone suggesting she would get Pat a £50 pampering voucher. "Get her a season ticket," said Harry.
- The brilliant piece about things escalating quickly in EastEnders, as a small nudge resulted in a cat fight and Ian Beale nonchalantly tipping over a pyramid of champagne glasses. This was followed by Harry and various lookalikes doing likewise and having a cake fight with Peggy's birthday cake. Apparently, she was 65 in the show. Mmm.
- The wonderful clips of Bear Grylls again. This week, he got lost in the Everglades, but Harry said that was nothing compared to IKEA on a Saturday and launched into a delirious rant about his wife wanting to buy lots of small candles.
- Leon's Neons in Corrie.
- The Mean Machines voiceover explaining that when tunnelling, the excess rock, when mixed with water, becomes known as 'muck'.
- The hopping in Mansfield Park (which looks dreadful. Also, was it from doing MP that Billie picked up that posh accent that she showcased on Charlotte Church the other week?)
- The cameraman being more interested in some kind of Range Rover on Emmerdale than the characters. Well, you can't blame him.
- From I Speak To Animals (subtitle: story of a charlatan): "Nicole was having trouble getting on her horse Randy". Harry: "Well, wait till you've calmed down a bit".
- The neat stitchback to Bear Grylls, who cooked a turtle (chucked whole on to a fire to boil in its shell, poor thing), as the Animal-Talker explained you can talk a spider to walk into a glass. Cut back to Harry gently encouraging a turtle into a microwave.
- The bizarre clips from Marbella Belles. First there was Lisa looking perplexed when asked about 'Blue'. For quite a while. Until reminded that was the name of her child. Then there was Jo Alexandrou with the most excruciating karaoke ever. Which she then repeated at the end of the show with Harry.

Harry Hill's TV Burp ITV1, Saturday 17 March 2007
Highlights
• Jim Carver's risqué "Flip him over and have him up the M6" statement in The Bill
• Action man Bear Grylls flapping about like a seal as he tried to get out an ice hole and then drying himself on... "Snow! Of course! Nature's towel."
• Harry cracking a proper joke after a Freaky Eaters clip showing a woman eating Minstrels plucked from between her legs. "She's under pressure. She must have had pre-Minstrel tension!"
• Harry doing the EastEnders theme on bike horns again.
• Smallest Amount of Sick Produced When Being Sick of the Week, preceding a clip from Emmerdale
• Harry's Corrie character rhymes eg "She drinks in pubs, she murdered Charlie Stubbs, Tracey Barlow!"
• The skit with Pearl taking an age to answer the door in Emmerdale, and nicking Harry's Crunchie along the way.
• Australian Princess contender Kylie Booby being too thick to realise what was meant when she was compared with a house where the lights are on but no-one's home.
• The dinosaur crushing the bluetit in the fight.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 10 March 2007
Highlights
• The shouting competition between the soaps. EastEnders won - "Well, they do it every week," reasoned Harry.
• Deano disappearing from EastEnders.
• Harry desperately saving his prized Waterford Crystal vase from all the mad EastEnders tantrums.
• The superb clip from Australian Princess: "I walked in and there was Paul (Burrell) and all the furniture and all the rugs were gone." Harry protested: "Not again! They were gifts from the Princess!"
• The stupid Aussie princesses talking to a vicar and asking him what he does for a living and whether he's busy at weekends.
• The mud fight on Casualty.
• Harry's cheeky dig at the ITV phone line controversy - "I might vote on Dancing on Ice... Bonnie Langford? They've still got the lines open from the last series."
• Most Inadvertantly Funny Title Sequence of the Week - the ludicrous Sleep Clinic, of course.
• The brilliant clips from The Real Extras where assorted wannabe actors tried to act aggressive like football hooligans. Mohammed was the least threatening, but one managed to shout: "Yeah, ya chicken... piece... of... dirt." Had us cowering behind the sofa. Two of them turned up on Burp for the half-time fight, but instead merely levelled harmless insults at each other.
• Lewis from Lewis lying with his feet upside down.
• Freaky Eaters this week was all about a bloke addicted to spaghetti hoops. His girlfriend was forced to eat some too: "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever had to do for my boyfriend," she said, triggering a classic Harry look to camera.
• Two very nice bits from Time Team as well. First Harry questioned why Tony Robinson had only given his team three days to complete their task before reasoning: "I suspect he wants to get back to that young girlfriend of his. 25!" He then pointed out that a ruddy man with a beard on the show appeared to have fallen in love with Tony as well as he looked at him in a bizarre, slightly scary, way.
• The Silver Surfers singing at the end.


Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 3 March 2007
Highlights
• Suicidal gnome on Corrie.
• The 'Baldies Unite' sketch which came into being after a comment about baldies uniting on EastEnders Harry ran in to join in the beating, followed by Duncan Goodhew (in towel, with goggles) and the King of Saturday late night entertainment, Al Murray.
• Dave's sister on Freaky Eaters crying while asking Dave if he could just manage to eat a McDonald's with them. Christ this country's gone to the dogs.
• The superb Emmerdale sketch where one character brought in a large framed present "as my way of saying sorry for last night." The TV Burp reveal was a whiteboard with "sorry for last night" scrawled on it.
• TV High Voice of the Week.
• Harry pointing out the increasing absurdity of Casualty – this week a woman was leaning over her balcony only to be knocked off by a bloke abseiling down her building.
• A boy on Casualty shouting "Get out of my house! Get out of my house! Get out of my house!" Harry: "I think you'll find it belongs to the council." Evil. But very, very funny.
• The Life on Meat sketch, a parody of Life on Mars, which came out of a criminal being stopped in his tracks by swinging meat in an abbattoir on The Bill - "Life on Meat - it's ITV's answer to Life on Mars, you know, like they did with Dr Who and Primeval."
• Harry lamenting that Blockbusters can get a bit heavy-handed when you're late returning a video, followed by a clip from The Bill where June's police car is crashed into by a criminal (we know he was a criminal because he had a balaclava on) and then he reached in to grab a video tape on the front seat.
• The QVC-like advertising of jewellery on The Bill.
• TV Highlight of the Week: A fat bloke on Sleep Clinic rolling around mumbling in his sleep before jerking awake. "What did you dream about?" asked someone. "Fish."
• Jason's Book of Nursery Rhymes from Corrie.
• The Corrie cast as Dad's Army.
• And finally, thecustard.tv's own award for most surreal sketch ever shown on prime time Saturday evening on ITV – 1970s TV Burp (added in to accompany some 'new' show about a family living in 1970s conditions, "It Never Did Me Any Harm") complete with TV Burp-style gags from actual shows from the 1970s, a superb 1970s set, and Harry with hair and a moustache.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 24 February 2007
Highlights
• Paul Burrell on Australian Princess (is there really *another* series of this?): "I was the head of Princess Diana's household for many years." Harry: "Really? You've never mentioned that before."
• The 'extreme sports' Australian Princess wannabe wobbling around uncertainly on a skateboard.
• The horrendously complicated five-number system for setting up tube carriages on Monster Moves (yes, a show about moving large things. Save us all.) Even the foreman had no clue how it worked, although the workman he was explaining it to really made us laugh as he nodded and pretended to understand what was required.
• "Primeval now," announced Harry, "ITV's answer to Doctor Who... it's taken two years, but they've done it."
• TV Expert of the Week: Some bloke explaining that a white out is caused by snow making a whiteness.
•Corrie's Dev appearing to pull a packet of Garibaldi from his pants.
•Corrie's Steve McDonald being careless with his money. Harry nipped in to snaffle up £10 he dropped: "£10 is £10. And when I save that up to £1000, I can leave my wife," chirruped Harry.
• The superb dog-sofa chariot race between Harry and Les Battersby, although the referee seemed slightly unconvincing.
• The clip of a taxi careering into a flock of sheep on Emmerdale: "Richard Hammond gets new job as a shepherd," said Harry, delighted.
• The bad guy in Lewis using a wine bottle to steer his wheelchair.
•Harry's Emmerdale Undertakers list of how to cremate someone, including the Woolpack option of it burning with explosives and being flown into by a light aircraft.
• TV Highlight of the Week: A bloke making sleep noises on Sleep Clinic.
• Harry lamenting the end of Nick Baker's Weird Creatures through song, only to receive a custard pie in the face and a "cheeky git" comment from Nick himself.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 17 February 2007
Highlights
• Harry's bemusement that Steve Sidwell of Reading (and husband of a 'WAG Boutique' WAG) has his wedding vows tattooed on his back.
• Harry's quizzical look at why the WAGS of WAGS Boutique called their shop 'Bows', before launching into a bit about bow-legged people turning up to buy their clothes there.
• Harry also highlighted how the WAGS failed to get any real stars to attend their opening ("I know Jools Oliver... but she'd never do it," said one, probably called Christelle). They did get Leilani to turn up, though. "Leilani?" said Harry, "Isn't that a type of conifer?"
• The stuff on Nick Baker's Weird Creatures was again top notch. This week, Nick was out looking for a basking shark. Harry explained how David Attenborough would prepare for this by doing copious research. It then cut to Nick's effort as he shouted at a bloke on a boat: "Allo! Haven't seen any basking sharks have you?"
• Nick Baker: "Seeing these otters has more than made up for us not seeing a basking shark." Harry Hill: "No it hasn't."
• Nick's continuing failure to deliver again had Harry exasperated: "Sunfish, seal, some seagulls, three plankton and a sick ferret?! You've got a nerve."
• Sam Tyler on Life On Mars experiencing Jade Goody's perfume.
• Some superb stuff about BBC mega-flop When Will I Be Famous. Harry pointed out "It's on the same time as me," (safe in the knowledge he's deservedly kicking Graham Norton's arse up and down the country and back again in the ratings) before showing a clip of Norton telling viewers not to try the next act at home. What was the act? Two people on elongated unicycles holding a long bar from which a woman was holding on to a rope by her teeth while twirling round and round. "Mum, can you get those two unicycles out the cupboard so I can copy something I've seen on TV?" called Harry.
• EastEnders' Max's boob job.
• Aaron on Jamie's Chef explaining the perils of fire, before carelessly flicking his cigarette away, so TV Burp followed the cigarette's course... as it landed in some hay which led to some petroleum which blew up The Cock pub.
• The wonderful stuff about Kelly Osbourne Turning Japanese. "I haven't made this up," murmured Harry conspiratorially, "This is an actual show." It's so nice to know that you have company in being completely bewildered at ITV's dogged perseverance with this awful, talentless imbecile and her immediate family.
• Most of the gags surrounded a poor Japanese class being subjected to Kelly singing Neverending Story at them and then being asked to answer insultingly easy questions, but the summit saw Harry at his imperious best. Kelly crawled into what looked like a microwave, saying: "I wouldn't like being in here if I was a dog." Cut to Harry with one of his patented sideways glances that bring the house down.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 10 February 2007
Highlights
• Jewellery Tourette's Syndrome on The Bill. "Earrings!"
• The Bill: PC Reg Hollis looking at CCTV footage of a new suspect. "He looks familiar..." "Yes," noted Harry, "It's Den off of EastEnders."
• The EastEnders beer bottle dismissed by Peggy (is she still on it?).
• TV Highlight of the Week: A woman turning down Phil Mitchell's proposal of a cup of coffee.
• Harry ogling a magazine about manatees after Laurence off of Myths, Magic and Monsters described them as very womanly.
• Harry's evident excitement at the irresistible cliffhangers on the Farm of Fussy Eaters (will someone eat a sausage? will a woman get over the shock of eating her first raspberry?) and So You Think You Can Nurse (what will happen to Gail Porter's blister?)
• The fat appartheid disgracefully demonstrated on Farm of Fussy Eaters when a medium-sized person and an overweight person strolled along a pathway yet were cruelly separated by a white line.
• The real life Mousetrap game on The Bill (a PC falling into a large bin).
• The Most Elaborate Dog Wee of the Week. Inpired. Can't wait for next week's.
• "What's going on on Waterloo Road, then?" asked Harry, before a clip of general mayhem involving flying cushions, some kind of fight, some bottle of fluid being flung about and a girl looking bewildered. "Nothing much then," said a startled Harry, breathily.
• Roddy's pants on fire on Emmerdale.
• The news that Emmerdale is celebrating its 500 year history with a pageant. "500 years?" whispered Harry, "Hmm, seems longer."
• Harry's very funny and overlong rant about wives and their comments when driving and how they don't want to drive so they can have a drink and then they don't so neither of you end up drinking... a glimpse of Harry's own personal hell, there.
• The Reggae Reggae Sauce song by Levi Roots (aka Keith) from Dragons' Den

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 3 February 2007
Highlights
• "When you're insulting someone, you must remember to be as specific as possible," advised Harry, followed by a clip from Emmerdale: "You child-hurting arsonist!"
• Harry breaking it to the Dancing On Ice commentator just why Stephen Gately wasn't distracted by Kristina Lenko's revealing costume.
• Clare Buckfield claiming she takes travel sickness pills to stop herself being ill when being twirled and Harry's clip of her chundering in rehearsal. Route one, but still funny.
• Nick Baker off of Nick Baker's Weird Creatures (why does he need his name in the title? Did we know him from somewhere else?) saying: "The air is so thin up here - it's exhausting just walking around this camera." "Don't do it then," offered Harry.
• Sorry week on EastEnders.
• The brilliant Jade Goody doll proclaiming desperately that she's not a racist.
• The fantastic Junior EastEnders skit, complete with a stupendous child Phil Mitchell, still deflating from last week.
• The injured bag on Casualty.
• Harry's dead-on introduction: "If you're familiar with BBC2's Who Do You Think You Are? you might like ITV's You Don't Know You're Born - which is the same. (Aside) Well, it is."
• TV Highlight of the Week: Alan Davies standing on a street corner.
• Ray Mears' Wild Food - Ray ate some berries, so Harry joined in. Until Ray added, matter-of-factly, "You must remember to spit out the seeds though, as they contain cyanide." Harry introduced some of Ray's range of sweets, too, including a walnut whip with a conker on top.
• Ray Mears looking at a plate of something that looked like faeces and claiming: "That is a delicious meal." "No it isn't," argued Harry, persuasively.
• Emmerdale's Shadrack singing 'I'm Horny'.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 27 January 2007
Highlights
• Trial & Retribution's DCS Walker's obsession with asking everyone if they owned a computer. No one did. "Yeah, not as popular as they used to be," noted Harry.
• Mia Dolan on Haunted Homes (ITV ripping off a successful format from another channel and attempting to disguise their poverty of innovation with minimal tweaks? Surely not!) saying "We've got a good chance of paranormal activity tonight." - "Never Heard it called that before," mused Harry.
• The delightful extended gag about the Haunted Homes' home being haunted by an egg which eventually segued into a Scooby Doo reference with Harry playing with an egg on a stick. "It's a living," he admitted in an embarrassed aside.
- The superb piece on Nick Baker's Weird Creatures. Harry was piqued because Baker spent a whole hour looking for a pink fairy armadillo... but failed. Harry was angry about wasting his time. Cut to a clip where Baker went to look at his armadillo trap, only to be surprised (brilliantly) by Harry's fist to his face. Some superb editing here and the lovely attention to detail really made this gag.
• Dot's recipe on EastEnders: "Pauline's brain, swimming in blood."
• The brilliant spot that Phil Mitchell seems to be constantly deflating, which included at least 10 examples of Mitchell exhaling (nice one for the researchers to sort through).
• Mr Blobby taking out Pauline's kitchen until Harry beat him down with a frying pan, Reeves and Mortimer style. Far too surreal for the ITV1 Saturday night audience. Which just makes it funnier.
• Colin and Justin's hilarious lovers tiff and their assistant arguing with a trophy.
• Joe from Fat Men Can't Hunt admitting that he's overweight because he "sits around the house all day getting stoned."
• Emmerdale's Viv getting Harry all hot and bothered: "I love my husband and these two little cherubs," she said, motioning suggestively towards her baps. "Saucy," whispered Harry.
• The superb Emmerdale spot of the bloke who accidentally hung himself on the door.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 20 January 2007
Highlights
• Jade Goody's nonsensical, ignorant questions about Eskimos (they're known as inuits now, love) and why they haven't turned into 'iciclecubes' were mercilessly ridiculed, and rightly so. With all the fuss about her racism towards Shilpa, no one seemed bothered about her awful question: "Why haven't boat loads of them ever arrived here?" which echoed her infamous banana boat rant when she stunk up the Big Brother house the first time around.
• The news that Jermaine Jackson called his son Jermajesty. Harry: "And another son is called Jerroyalhighness."
• Harry's exasperation at the uselesness of Nick Baker of Weird Creatures' rhyme about which snakes are dangerous and then inventing his own one for Wild At Heart: "Tabby cat: can live with that; if it's leopardy, you're in jeopardy."
• The superb spot of Dev in Corrie's flamboyant house-cleaning and Harry's funny sketch as Dev cleaning and re-stocking his shop.
• TV Highlight of the Week: People breathing loudly on Trial & Retribution.
• Relocation Relocation's Phil Spencer shaking the imaginary hair he wishes he has after taking off a crash helmet.
• Colin & Justin gamely singing Bob the Builder along with the girl badly made up as a monkey from Fortune: Million Pound Giveaway.
• Jackiey Goody holding up her handbag as if she was the Chancellor.
• Harry's favourite bit of Big Brother - 12.27pm, a shot of a butternut squash.
• Ken Barlow looking and acting like a ventriloquist's dummy.

Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 21 January 2006
Highlights
• The mass Jimmy Savile impersonation ("Starts to get a bit boring after a while," Harry admitted)
• Harry's cheeky sideways glances at the camera
• Zack Dingle in Emmerdale dancing to Rus Abbot's Atmosphere beside the hospital bed of ailing Alice
• Complicated Medical Conversation of the Week (from Holby City)
• Dialogue from The Bill: "What kind of animal shoots a dog?"a distraught shopkeeper asked. "A cat with a rifle?" Harry suggested. "A fox with a grudge?"
• The comparison of You Are What You Eat's table of junkfood shame to Kerry Katona's vast buffet in the Iceland ads
• Paul Burrell insisting to Australian Princess contestants: "It's important to maintain your dignity". Cue footage from Burrell on I'm A Celebrity.
• The conga to celebrate the fortnightly bowel movement of Georgina on Diet Doctors
• PLUS observations that Pete Burns and Homer Simpson are identical; BB babe Chantelle is a little inarticulate; Derek Acorah's Ghost Towns is even more idiotic than Scooby Doo; Rula Lenska is identical to Ronald McDonald
Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 28 January 2006
Highlights
• The Jolly Green Giant's appearance on Casualty
• Harry's comments about the build-up to the accidents on Casualty. This week a bloke had decided to do a bunjee jump off a bulding with a proposal to his girlfriend written on his t-shirt. It went horribly wrong of course. Harry: "His next plan was to set himself on fire and when she smelled the smoke he'd write 'Will you marry me" in the air with sparklers."
• The gags about Rosemary & Thyme ("The hit show for the over 80s") and the various ways to describe it: "Cagney & Lacey with secoteurs" and "Ground Force Meets Miss Marple." This was from, inexplicably, an ITV3 documentary about behind the scenes of Rosemary & Thyme. Smell the ratings!
• Harry talking about what different jobs dogs are bred for: "Corgis of course are bred to approve gas fitters"
• EastEnders now, and the hilarious gag told by Janine (is it Janine? We tend to avoid EastEnders these days) that elicited a bizarrely huge laugh from another character: "Princess and the Pea? It's not exactly Shakespeare, is it?" Hilarious!
• The spot that Blanche out of Corrie looks like the Roswell alien when she wakes up. Harsh, but fair.
Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 4 February 2006
Highlights
• Adding new music to TV show title sequences – The Sweeney for Corrie, Anarchy in the UK for HeartBeat, Steptoe & Son for ITV News and Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now for EastEnders
• Harry pretending to phone Noel Edmunds on Deal Or No Deal – but later revealing that Corrie's Rita is the banker on the end of the line
• The contrasting car chase music in Life On Mars (the brilliant Ballroom Blitz by the Sweet) and Lewis (some ponderous classic music)
• Ridiculing the acting skills of Derek Acorah and Corrie's Dev
• Harry's question: "What's your worst nightmare?" leading to a scene from EastEnders in which Pat Butcher is massaging a black man – leading to Harry gagging
• The Heath Robinson-like device to illustrate how an email could be sent posthumously
• Paul Burrell boring the Australian Princess contestants with the Royal Anecdote of the Week and telling the girls: "I expect you're wondering why I'm standing here with an empty suitcase." Harry suggested: "You're probably off to Kensington Palace to get more stuff"
• The Napoleon v Nookie Bear fight
• The performance of Two Pints of Lager by Splodgenessabounds, with Harry guesting as Gene Simmons
Harry Hill's TV Burp, Saturday 11 February 2006
Highlights
• The woman on Supersize Surgery who eats catfood and said:" One wouldn't know the difference between that and shepherd's pie if truth be known."
• Harry's attack on Anthea Turner: Perfect Housewife with some origami with towels, putting photographs in clingfilm to eat yohgurt and overcoming stains on the carpet by masking them with photographs of unstained carpets. The item was rather let down by letting thick-skinned Anthea turn up to grab even more publicity.
• The reworking of Coronation Street as a silent movie during a scene in which Deirdre gawped and Ken got bitten by a dog.
• Another attack on the awful Derek Acorah whose psychic ability enabled him to ask a woman: "Did your nan have white hair?"
• The comparison of Emmerdale's Dingles to Oasis
• Harry serenading the ugly Martha from Emmerdale.
Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 18 February 2006
Highlights
• The Valentine's Day fever on the soaps – especially EastEnders where all the loving couples were headed for a restaurant called Fargos. "That's a spelling mistake," Harry pointed out. " It should be Argos."
• Harry pointing out that Celebrity Fit Club is such a misnomer. "They're not celebrities; they're not fit; and it's not a club."
• Harry on Holiday Showdown: "This week it was the turn of bisexual video artists the Blackwoods and the ex-military couple the Richardsons, whose hobby is hunting, to take in the gay bars of San Francisco. How can that possibly lead to any friction?"
• The women in Casualty with the disease that turned her face into a plastic bag
• "As Gillian McKeith says, 'You are what you eat'," Harry reminded us before showing a woman from Supersize Surgery whose diet consisted entirely of crackers.
• The funny faces of Corrie's Steve McDonald
• Harry performing with No Comment, the rock group created by Gene Simmons (a thinner Russell Grant) on Rock School
Harry Hill's TV Burp, Saturday 25 February 2006
Highlights
• Observations about Bruno driving sideways and Tre's girlfriend being indecisive about whether to have her jacket open or closed on Footballers' Wives; Fred Elliot taking for ever to eat a biscuit on Corrie; hands turning from white to black on The Apprentice; Alan Sugar resembling Sid James
• Harry trying to break up the Footballers' Wives catfight
• The fake edition of Trisha featuring Corrie's Dev entitled "My dad had a fling with a psychopathic lawyer then married his shop assistant who gave birth to twins and found out he had three kids by various different women."
• Harry's ridiculing of the annoying Jo on The Apprentice (the idiot with the crinkly hair who has been made redundant by MG Rover "FOR BEING ANNOYING") and the attempts by the men to name their team by combining two words to make a new word ("How about stupid and idea to make Stupidea?")
• The messy sexual relationships in Emmerdale and Corrie, and the violence in EastEnders.
• The skit in which Phil Daniels' lines in EastEnders were followed by Harry singing Parklife.
• Emily Bishop's Old-Time Piano Party CD featuring I Predict a Riot, You're Beautiful and Hung Up
Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 4 March 2006
Highlights
• Harry drawing attention to the long pauses and wooden spoon shortage in EastEnders; miserable baby Amy in Corrie; the resemblance of The Apprentice horror Jo to Frank Skinner in drag; the resemblance of Rita and Emily in Corrie to the Cheeky Girls; the Carry On Casualty scene in which a nun went flying on a bar of soap
• Harry's suggestion that EastEnders has found a new euphemism for pregnancy: "She gave me one of those put-you-ups in your Aunt Fanny's bedroom."
• The sketches in which Harry showed us "the irritating thing Emily Bishop does with teabags" and took on a stroppy suspect in The Bill
• Harry being knocked flat by Manny's presentation in The Apprentice which turned out to be horribly embarrassing rather than the spectacle he promised
• Tony Blackburn, Peter Dean and Timmy Mallet playing the parts of Emmerdale's dead sheep
• Harry's perusal of the menu of Oscars, the restaurant featured in Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares where the chef cooks Oscar Wilde ribs in Coca-Cola. On Harry's menu were Lily Langtry Pork Chops (cooked in Fanta), Marquis of Queensberry Steak (marinaded in Tizer), Veal Umbongo (which Oscar Wilde ate when he was in the Congo) and Chicken a la Pick'n'Mix with a lovely Vimto gravy
Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 11 March 2006
Highlights
• The observations that there was a wooden laptop computer in EastEnders (using Windows 1886), there was a genetically modified cow on Jimmy's Farm (with a plastic head) and there were little people playing on the windowsill on Rebus
• Harry's shock that The Bill's Sgt Dale Smith is banged up in jail with Arthur Fowler. "In for life??? All he did was steal the Christmas Club money."
• Harry slapping The Apprentice's Jo "for being annoying"
• Harry's revelation of Martin Fowler's Business Plan: 1 – Buy more spuds; 2 – Put Pat back on the game.
• Emily Bishop playing strip poker with Rita and Norris, making homie gestures, speaking in a very peculiar way to her deaf pal and kindly giving away late husband Ernest's ancient camera. Harry revealed the results of Ernest's last roll of film: one picture of the armed robber who killed him and lots of shots of the ceiling
• The TV Highlight of the Week: a nasty little tea spillage on Doctors
Lowlight
• Russell Grant singing The Russell Hustle.
Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Saturday 18 March 2006
Highlights
• Harry spotting excessive headwound dabbing on The Bill, Holby City's Sugababes-like nurses, The Royal's rubbish special effects when a nurse was run over ("Penny for the guy," suggested Harry), Dot's Jewishness on EastEnders and how "a Jackson" became synonymous with "a lesbian" on Albert Square
• Harry's version of Corrie café man Roy's love poem to Hayley: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I am a fella, and so are you."
• Sacked Apprentice star Alexa being ridiculed for her hopelessness at maths (she's an economics graduate) and then showing up to deliver a pizza topped with a whole roast chicken. ("I asked for extra chicken," demanded Harry).
• The TV Highlight of the Week – a very boring breakfast time in Doctors
• Harry dressing up as Emily Bishop swimming with dolphins, the iceberg that sank the Titanic and the half golden retriever/half soul man who was lying injured among the carnage of the Bombastic club on The Bill

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