Saturday, 26 January 2008
Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe, BBC4
• Charlie's claim that 2006 was "the year when we finally all gave up pretending to be independent adults and instead allowed people on telly to advise us on every aspect of our pathetic, pea-sized lives." He cited Trinny and Susannah Undressed as the main offender. "There was no problem that couldn't be solved care of any old cunt with a camera," he added, citing Ian Wright's Unfit Kids which featured an obese mother telling her obese son that he'll be dead by the time he's 25. "That's not just hysterical opinion," Charlie pointed out, "it's an unscientific non-fact."
• Charlie pointing out the hypocrisy of Jamie Oliver's school dinners campaign while he advertises calorific muck
• Grace Dent's Year In The Soaps in which she described Pauline Fowler's brain tumour as "everything horrible she's ever thought about Sonia in one big lump"; the relationship of EastEnders' Gary and Minty as "Bareback Mountain with Spanners"; and Corrie's Tracey and Charlie as "Rose and Fred West depicted by more aesthetic actors."
• Charlie's description of Five's live birth as "the first time TV had witnessed the live arrival of a beautiful baby boy who looked like Mel Smith being woken by a 4am phone call."
• The description of Alex Zane as a "nine-year-old Disney girl"
• The re-enactment of Five's Girls' Guide to 21st Century Sex using two fingers and a saveloy
• The description of Gillian McKeith's X Factor performance as "singing like a wolf being sick out of a car on its way to a tune-murdering factory. If you really are what you eat, she must have eaten an entire pack of howling dogs for breakfast."
• The description of the Big Brother contestants as "preening bell-ends, women so unthinkably bitchy they'd slag off a widow for wearing black to the husband's funeral and the adorable old lady from Harold & Maude."
• The description of I'm A Celebrity as "Cannibal Holocaust re-enacted by soap stars."
• The description of Torchwood. "It felt like a live action remake of Scooby Doo, like watching an episode of Chucklevision with fighting and cum shots."
• The description of Robin Hood as " a cross between an Arctic Monkeys promo and a sword and chainmail roleplay game"
• The description of the All Star Family Fortunes title sequence as "possibly the single worst cultural artifact mankind has yet to produce."
• The comment on Matt Willis's Bushtucker Trial: "Im sure he's not the first boyband member to eat out an arsehole but he's the first to do it on ITV1."
• The heartfelt tribute to sci-fi writer Nigel Kneale by Mark Gattis
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