Britain's Got Talent, ITV1

Did we like it?
The weakest programme so far was just about rescued with the heartwarming finale.

What was good about it?
• The heartwarming finale with little dancer George Sampson, discarded last year but coming back with a sensational routine and earning a "phenomenal" rating from Simon Cowell.
• Ant and Dec beneath an umbrella in rainy Blackpool, grudgingly introducing the contestants. "They're the ones that really matter," was never uttered through such gritted teeth.
• Brenda Isaacs (74, dinner lady) singing Over The Rainbow and Unchained Melody as if channeling the ghost of Hilda Ogden.
• Signature, the dance act, were very entertaining and we hope they can deliver an equally good routine in the next round.

What was bad about it?
• The air of depression that descended because none of the early acts in Blackpool were any good. You'd have thought there'd been a deadly disaster the way the judges and Ant and Dec went on about that. If some old bird from Lancashire can't sing very well, it's not the end of the world!
• The overdone acclaim for Per Diem, a duet who sang a boring Crowded House song yet were heralded as the greatest musical talent ever to tread the boards.
• The fuss made about this being "the very first time Britain's Got Talent has come to Blackpool". The show has only been running two years; it's not like the resort has been neglected for decades.
• Over-confident eight-year-old Alex Lees. He couldn't sing (and we don't think boys of his age should be wiggling their bottoms on TV) and got rejected. He couldn't tell jokes, either, but that didn't stop him being allowed through.
• We were sad to see the Laughing Policeman getting short shrift.

Heroes, BBC2/BBC3

Did we like it?
Expecting a fetid miasma of inertia and indulgence given that the makers of the show had apologised for a perceived plummet in quality, we were surprised, but delighted, that the opening couple of episodes were graced by a depth, humour and allure that was absent from the opening series.

What was good about it?
• The relationship between Claire and her father Noah. Now more explicit it is spiked with both the tension of being discovered by the omnipotent corporation and Claire’s gallop into adulthood, which is reflected in the trust that Noah is gradually starting to place in her – buying her a new car, for instance. Yet this new found trust has accelerated her habit of experimenting with her powers such as trying a ludicrously difficult gymnastic manoeuvre or cutting off her own little toe to see if it will grow back – one of which was puerile petulance of adolescent one-upmanship while the other was born of altruism, again acutely illustrative of someone on the threshold of adulthood.
• Hiro’s adventures in feudal Japan are just as engaging. There he saves a warrior he presumes to be his hero Takezo Kensai through his time-warping powers. But the warrior isn’t whom he appears, he is actually a decoy for the real Kensai to lure his foes within range of his perch in the trees from where he’ll snipe at them with his crossbow – a dishonourable way to fight, in Hiro’s eyes.
• And while this isn’t an original plotline – and somewhat mirrors Hiro’s father’s own scorn of his son in the first series – the interplay between Hiro and Kensai (who is really an English immigrant called Adam) as Hiro avails to make his hero act like a hero instead of a drunken slob is well drawn.
• Unassuming copper Matt Parkman has graduated to become both a detective and a surrogate father to the troubled Molly. And his powers have been skilfully crafted so he must deal with the moral dilemma of probing the mind of his young charge to divine the nature of her nightmares.
• Nathan Petrelli has grown a beard, thus thankfully camouflaging the most annoying jawline since the heyday of David Coulhthard. It’s not the jawline itself; it’s more the way it mechanically moves like a dumper truck unburdening its load.
• The slower, more cautious approach to plot is commendable, especially as it would be easier to simply repeat the high-octane extravaganza of the first series. The shift towards a narrative dealing with the way in which comic book heroes have to reconcile their abnormal powers with a world that is both fearful and hateful towards them is nothing new, and is often far more rewarding – Watchmen, a recurring touchstone for Heroes is of course the paradigm, as well as The Sandman (essentially a deity trying to be human).
• And so this is why we’re quite disappointed – after discovering how good this new series is – that there seems to be pressure to return to the more one-dimensional, albeit intricately plotted, format of yore. To a lesser degree, it is akin to Radiohead usurping their musical eminence established with OK Computer with the superior Kid A and Amnesiac.
• But the quandary for Heroes was either to plough on with their own ideology of the direction the series should take or succumb and devolve it back to shallow entertainment. And while 30 years of The Fall is infinitely preferable to five minutes of The Feeling, such principles don’t apply in US TV, and a regression at the behest of disgruntled viewers and accordingly nervous advertisers has won the day.

What was bad about it?
• Mohinder is still vexing. He floats about the plots like a fly sucking on dung as if the dumb, spoilt son of the MD of a firm who has been given carte blanche to do whatever her wants and interfere in any which way he desires but always detrimentally because he is so incompetent.
• The two new Heroes, Alejandro and Maya, who are twins whose ‘power’ seems to be that Alejandro acts as a plug on his sisters latent ability to inadvertently slaughter everyone in her immediate vicinity by making a black fluid pour from their eyes. This might not be so bad if an identical device hadn’t been used in The X-Files, where the black fluid was an alien entity.
• The death of Hiro’s father (Mr Sulu).
• The best dramas always smother you in their absorbing narrative, whether set in the corridors of Whitehall or the torrid planets in a galaxy far, far away, and while Heroes partially achieves this sense of immersion there are still a few clunky artificial devices that yank you back to the surface that are so predicatble you don’t even need one of Isaac’s paintings to predict what’s coming next.
• On her first day at her new school, Claire almost steps in front of a jeep driven by a handsome young man. At that moment you know that they are destined for love, or at least a quick rummage, and that is how it plays out. What’s more, he too is a Hero with the power of flight.
• And we’re still perplexed about the role of cheerleaders in US schools. A place in the cheerleading squad seems to be the zenith of achievement for a girl, at least as portrayed in US dramas. Yet it is an anomaly that such a moronic peak of acting a brainless subsidiary to a bunch of male athletes should occupy such elevated social status; it’s as much of an anachronism as the Black & White Minstrel Show, chastity belts and witch trials.

The Apprentice, BBC1

1. (1) Lee. Oscillates between ruthless mercenary and endearing slow child in the blink of an eye. On the way to the farm to make their ice cream, he gushed: “I ain’t seen gween for weeks and weeks!”

2. (10) Lucinda. The Muhammad Ali of The Apprentice, she used his patented rope-a-dope into duping everyone (including us) that she was absolutely hopeless. But promote her to project manager and she metamorphoses from Frank Spencer into Napoleon Bonaparte (with Helene as her fractious Duke of Wellington). She would have won had it not been for the complacency of her sales team, two of whom were rightly in the firing line of Sir Alan, while she got the easiest ride in the boardroom we think we’ve ever seen a PM get.

3. (2) Sara. Again was quiet, but did her job well. Her major contribution was to name one of her team’s ice creams Very Berry, which is innocuous enough. However, whenever it was pronounced by one of the team it sounded like beriberi, as if they were trying to sell an ice cream flavoured with a debilitating vitamin deficiency.

4. (6) Jenny Maguire. Nick remarked that her presence brought “a chill in the air” and that she didn’t get on with the other candidates. This may seem to be a vilification, but as we feel we wouldn’t get on with the rest of the candidates we suddenly felt a strange sort of kinship with her. She is the perfect saleswoman as she speaks utter dross that has absolutely no sense or substance yet people still buy from her: “Your business fits in completely with what we’re trying to do. It’s something that’s a little bit different; that’s what you guys are about!”

5. (11) Michael. The worst salesman in the world seems to revel in chaos so that his harebrained schemes appear ingenious when he unveils them. This week, his contingency plan was to invite two blokes down the pub to be their tasters of to select two of their three ice cream flavours the team could sell to London businesses.

6. (5) Kevin. He continues to wander round in a daze wearing the frown of a bewildered child who is confused as to why his parents are getting a divorce. Of the cider-flavoured ice cream he said: “With the cider market opening up, it’s quite sexy. It’s like champagne!” With his roots in the cider heartland, Kevin should be aware that the cider market has been “opening up” for decades now as if you run your tongue alone the trough of any West Country pub urinal you will taste the indelible tang of ripe apples.

7. (8) Jenny Celery. When she is project manager she is unbearable, when she is shunted into a peripheral role she spends much of her time saying how wonderful her team leader is or laughing uproariously at her quips.

8. (4) Raef. Was swept up in the tide of superciliousness of Jenny M and Lindy. This is the first sign of a glaring weakness that he can be so easily corrupted by a bit of self-delusional banter. He was so suckered by his little group’s sales that he debated with Sir Alan the viability of selling ice cream to ice cream makers in the most egregious example of haughtiness in this programme since Paul tried to sell supermarket cheese to the French.

9. (7) Lindy. In her final episode, Lindy was edited so it appeared that she spent most of her time congratulating herself about her brilliant sales patter. “It’s going to be a walk in the park,” she boasted. “We’ll blow the other team out of the water!” And: “We’re absolutely amazing! It doesn’t get any better!” Sir Alan fired her because she was in charge of the sales team, and even though she did well her team lost on sales so she had to carry the can.

10. (9) Helene. Continued in her role doing little else other than belittle Lucinda. Even when she praised her team leadership it was always wreathed in a venomous remark about her laziness.

11. (13) Claire. Drew praise from Nick and Margaret for being a changed person, but her ‘change’ is the same mentality effected on a hostage told to reveal the combination of the money-laden safe or have their head blown off. And she still spouted her clichés: “Can I just say…” “We’re in Catch 22!” And got some wrong: “They hackle and hackle like witches round a cauldron.” While she claimed that “the guillotine was literally inches away from my neck!” She was lucky as her team did almost everything wrong yet still ended up winning.

12. (12) Alex. The human manifestation of a plague of unshaven rust. He is slowly creeping over the other candidates, corroding their spirit with his constant whining. Every single week he seems to turn to the camera and bleat about how he is doing his job but because the rest of the team have run into some unforeseen problems they are incompetent and worthless. He always lurks in the background like a fugitive toxic cloud from Bhopal when he sees one of his team acting in a manner that’s likely to get them fired before making a smug aside to the camera such as: “If you fail to prepare then prepare to fail!”

13. (NE) The Apprentice production team. It’s now getting blood ridiculous. After last week’s melodrama of Simon getting fired you could trace the harbinger of his demise back to his arrogant statement at the start of the show, and the same could be said of Lee the week previous to that. This week, it was more of the death of a thousand cuts for Lindy as she was edited to be slothful by eating after securing six appointments (Food!? How dare they!!), and then was seen with Raef and Jenny M in sickening self-celebration over their sales prowess. Tellingly, Lindy was the only one who appeared in one of those “I’m great me” soundbites – she was a goner from that moment. Next week and onwards, can we have something a little less predictable?

Blood, Sweat & T-Shirts, BBC3

Did we like it?
It was less an expose about the appalling conditions of workers in India who slave away making clothes so Westerners waste money and more a heavily-scripted docu-drama about a bunch of spoilt young people who gradually come to realise that the sweatshops they witness are, like, unfair.

What was good about it?
• This is a classic example of a good idea, devised with the best of intentions that has been passed through the blistering, homogenising gaze of the corporate department who have affixed umpteen unnecessary appendages – the focus on the group rather than the place they visit, the tortuous back stories of each of them – all to draw in the kind of viewer who will watch this and flick over to MTV to be far more emotionally moved by bare-chested, tanned skateboarders catching their testicles on a walkway hand bar.

What was bad about it?
• The whole mood of the series is parked on an intellectual mezzanine between Newsround and the adult world. None of the conditions observed in the Indian sweatshops would surprise anybody who can watch an hour of news without flipping channel (and that includes many of the target audience for this programme).
• The enervating procession of watching six naïve young people journey from their comfortable homes to the crippling indigence of New Delhi as they are cut, edited and shaped into reality TV clones. Firstly, they are all ignorant sniggering at their surroundings and storming off the moment the work they are doing becomes too much for their precious little minds to bear.
• Over the course of the series, and we observed the first buds of redemption in episode one, they will come to a greater understanding of the factories that produce the garments they take for granted.
• The only one of the group who acted obnoxiously of his own accord was Richard who berated the penniless denizens of New Delhi for the huge rubbish piles that littered the streets. But this, we imagine, will merely act as a prelude to him being fully educated and enlightened later on.
• It’s for this reason that it’s difficult to be too reproachful of any of the other five émigrés. Amrita and Georgina seem to cry at the slightest mishap, wailing how they don’t want to work in the atrocious factories. Stacey follows suit, while Mark gets tetchy when the factory boss takes his arm as he demonstrates how to sew.
• If any of the workforce displayed such insolence they would be sacked, and this is the problem. After their first pay packet, some of the group venture out in a “bit of an experiment to find out how much you can buy with a day’s wages”; and that’s what this whole escapade feels like – “an experiment” – as the Britons can be insubordinate with no concern, they’re going home soon to their lovely warm homes and it really feels as if their just dipping their toes into a shark infested ocean, able to pull it out at the first ominous dorsal fin.
• The contrived manner in which the group are given ‘training’ in sewing the garments. Five of them eventually find this is too difficult and so are moved on to ever more menial tasks in a Youth TV interpretation of Dante’s Inferno.
• The subtitles on the perfectly understandable Indian people.

Luke ON TV - The Baftas, Britain's Got Talent, Cutting Edge, Waking the Dead, Pulling

I’ve not watched the BAFTA TV awards for a while. Have they always said “and the Bafta is awarded to” instead of “and the Bafta goes to”? I have to say the majority of the winners were deserving. Not quite sure how Holby City bagged the best continuing drama (a soap to us normal folk)?

Host Graham Norton did his best but he’s better on his chat show where he’s free to say and do pretty much as he pleases; here a lot seemed to fall flat. The joke about the abysmal Rock Rivals ratings tickled me though. I also learned Pasty Palmer of EastEnders can’t really read and Peep Show’s Robert Webb is appears to be going bald. The problem with any award show, though, is a lot of it is just people clapping and thanking people we’ve never heard of. I actually think that’s what PVR devices were invented for – I took great pleasure in whizzing through the acceptance speeches by the cast of Holby and the two dull guys from Heroes who didn’t seem sure what they’d won.

In between people thanking their peers there were some highlights. Like the delightful Andrew Garfield who was truly shocked by his win in Boy A and came across very well. I was glad Gavin & Stacey did so well as its well deserving of all the buzz this second series seems to be generating. I’m glad it scooped the audience award because, although I’m absolutely loving Britain’s Got Talent, I’d hate to see Piers Morgan accepting the award and talking about how much he wanted to beat Sir Alan Sugar. Paul Merton’s tribute to Brucie was perhaps the highlight of the night its just a shame it took nearly two hours to get there.

Britain’s Got Talent's second episode was perhaps a little short on actual talent. The completely tasteless Anya Sparks who (with bra showing) danced so badly to Toxic I think even Britney would have to blush. I usually like Amanda Holden and think she usually has a good grasp on talent so why put Anya and her white bra through! Say what you like about Simon Cowell, but he does know what passes as talent and Anya ain’t got it!

The show seemed more frenzied and lacking in wow moments this week, choosing instead to go for the what-the-hell-were-they-thinking moments. One glimpse of talent came from the group who played Coldplay’s Clocks and 10-year-old Charlie Green with his surprisingly good rendition of Summer Wind. But after years of Pop Stars, Pop Stars the Rivals, Pop Idol and The X Factor, and with Paul Potts winning last year, I don’t want to see another singer win.

Britain’s Got Talent is more fun than the singing competitions we’ve seen year after year and to reduce it to a singing competition is a real shame. Maybe I’m getting cynical but was singer Madonna Desnna really worth the standing ovation and the tears? I tuned in for Britain’s Got Talent not Britain’s Got Sob Stories and I didn’t think she was very good at all. Of course I Will Always Love You isn’t the easiest song to sing (I’m more at home with Rabbit from Chas'n' Dave or perhaps Daniel Powter’s Bad Day if you push me) but she really didn’t seem to deliver and I may have to give up on the series if she wins. That being said, bring on next week!

With Gavin & Stacey scooping the big prizes, I do worry that BBC3’s other brilliant comedy Pulling is getting a little overlooked. It never fails to make me laugh and, although the storylines are completely mad, they somehow work brilliantly. I’d love to see this for a third series but I wonder if the barrage of people who switch off after their weekly dose of Gav and Stacey have blown the chances of this Sharon Horgan masterpiece getting another outing. I guess with the last episode of series two airing on Sunday its too late to start telling you just how wonderful this is, but if you’ve not seen it yet it’s a real comedic treat that deserves far more attention than its getting.

BBC1’s flagship drama series Waking the Dead is back. You may think the title refers to the fact that it's about a team who solve cold cases, but in truth it gets its tile because when Boyd (good haircut Trevor Eve) gets into one of his uncontrolled and uncalled-for bellows, his shouting is enough to wake the dead.

This was one the main things that made me give up on the series a few years ago. It just seemed to be Trevor Eve shouting a lot with Sue Johnston looking puzzled and some dramatic music to keep the tension. I’ve always found the acting in this series a bit over the top and amateurish in places. Couple that with the sometimes over-complicated storylines and I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it. As it turned it out, the first episode of the seventh series was quite good and either I’ve got more intelligent or the storyline was easier to follow. Of course Boyd lost his temper in places but I knew that was coming and although I do find it completely unbelievable that someone in Boyd’s high profile position would continue to spit out his dummy, I did find myself getting into the story involving a dead prison officer and featuring the always creepy Michael Maloney. One thing though that did annoy me was Boyd's missing son storyline. Yes I must commend the writers for giving his character a good strong name, Luke. I just wish our detectives weren’t so tormented. You never see them singing along to their Ipods whilst make a nice chocolate sponge, stroking a Labrador and just generally enjoying life.

The latest series of Channel 4’s documentary series Cutting Edge (ending this week with an odd sounding doc about kids who box) has been interesting, engrossing and sometimes frustrating. The latest episode entitled Cotton Wool Kids embodied all three, following the lives of children with parents who were completely convinced if they let their offspring out of their sight, they’d be stabbed, kidnapped, shot or bullied. All parents are overprotective to a point. (My mum’s sitting by me while I type this to make sure I don’t buy a yacht on eBay or enter a “naughty” site.) The parents featured were completely convinced their children were in danger and hence kids as young has five are living in fear of being taken and snatched, with the adults quoting the story of Madeleine McCann as if she were a neighbour or schoolfriend.

The documentary shed some interest light on modern Britain with only two out of 10 kids now playing in their street. I really felt for the subjects as they yearned for their freedom and found myself getting more and frustrated by the programme as it didn’t really give us an ending and I wanted to sit the parents down and talk to them properly. Cutting Edge always does these sort of things well and I want to see a follow-up to see if the parents have calmed down or are still buying their kids I-phones and Nintendo Wii’s to keep them in the safe confines of the family home where they can apparently come to absolutely no danger.

Pulling is completely CRUMBLETASTIC and needs more attention, and although I enjoyed bits of the BAFTAs, most of it didn’t really entertain me and gets the BLACK PUDDING award.

Feel free to leave your comments below as I love reading what you think.

Beat The Star, ITV1

Did we like it?
We had severe fears that this could be the sterile dangling testicles of ITV’s obsession with celebrity, any celebrity, that would be mercifully gelded by low viewing figures and thus recede to become a placid eunuch reaping corn in the distant out-of-the-way fields of ITV2. However, it was pretty entertaining hybrid of the Krypton Factor, Top Gear and This Morning village idiot quizzes, largely because the ‘star’ in this episode was a genuine star who was doing something he was good at and also was possessed by a ruthless, somewhat unpleasant, will to win even if he was competing for pride and not the £50,000 prize.

What was good about it?
• Vernon Kay was a tolerable* host, even if he did unnecessarily lug the transparent case containing the £50,000 prize on stage with him as if to placate any impression that there wasn’t really a £50,000 prize and that the £50,000 prize was an fiscal phantasm brought to you by the same mendacious producers who devised You Say We Pay for Richard and Judy.

* ‘Tolerable’ in this instance means that you won’t thrust your cranium headfirst into the TV set like an enraged bull, as you may have done with Celebrity Family Fortunes as Vernon gurns with all the tumultuous, elastic dexterity of the San Andreas Fault circa-1906 San Francisco.
• The ‘star’ both in the title and sense of the show with a £50,000 prize was boxer Amir Khan. Not a has-been, not a bedraggled TV presenter holding on to fame with his shit-stained tongue, but an athlete in his prime. The fact that Khan came across as quite arrogant and even disdainful of his opponent added to the tension.
This was most apparent when Khan and the non-star questing for the £50,000 prize, 30-year-old, 6’ 5” copper Dan Ivey, had to hang from a suspended metal bar for as long as possible. This was one game you knew that Khan would win easily, and after Dan fell off after two minutes, Khan responded by doing a couple of chin-ups and claiming that he could have “done easily another five minutes”. That the competitors weren’t smothered in a blancmange of sportsmanship gave the games a real edge.
• The first game that Dan had to beat Khan at to claim the £50,000 prize was banging 20 nails into a plank of wood. Because of its bizarre agricultural nature, you soon became au fait with the pitfalls of bending a nail early on and willed the contestant on to the next nail rather than waste time. Unsurprisingly, the boxer won this.
• The second game involved climbing to the top of a telegraph pole and ringing a bell. Both failed to meet this challenge, with Khan in particular trembling like a little girl. The highlight here came when adjudicator, and ex-Premier League referee Dermot Gallagher received a kiss on his bald bonce from an exuberant Dan after he was judged the winner, earning him his first points in his attempt to win the £50,000 prize.
• Milking a cow to yield the most milk from her teats was the compulsory ‘make a celebrity look stupid’ game, and it worked as a comic interlude amid the more machismo tasks in this game show with a £50,000 prize.

What was bad about it?
• While he may have been nervous about being on TV vying for the £50,000 prize, this didn’t excuse Dan from throwing up clichés like the vomit he encounters in the flats of junkies who he regularly busts on his Plymouth beat. “Losing is not an option” is a mantra for people who order bottles of concentrated testosterone from the milkman; “Over the moon” should be a capital offence unless uttered by lobotomised footballers; and “Bring it on” is the national anthem of Moronshire.
• While the athletic content and silliness of milking a cow worked well, mental acuity was not really required by Dan as he strove to win the £50,000 prize. Khan and Dan had a facile buzzer round that depended on their knowledge of famous faces, emblematic of an ITV’s unseemly addiction to human pollution. But just as Khan was a dead cert to win the bar hanging, so they must have guessed that his prowess is in his fists and not his cerebrum as he appeared to be quite thick. He genuinely thought that Daniel Radcliffe was Harry Potter, got confused between Leona Lewis and Shakira, and worst of all mistook Alistair Darling for Trevor McDonald.
• The penalty shoot out should have been a thrilling climax to the show, and it would have been had either Khan or Dan had more football skill than an octopus with eight amputated limbs. Khan wasn’t that bad, but still mostly resembled a five year old jabbing the ball like he was poking the eye stalk of a snail (his second penalty was decent, though). Dan, on the other hand, was terrible. Leading at the time and with the £50,000 prize almost within his grasp, he scooped two penalties over the bar, while the other was a weak prod that Khan easily saved. He should have used the failsafe technique that all football novices used and just toe-punted the ball.
• After the zenith of a superb, active sportsman as the ‘star’ hoping to block the award of £100,000 to an ordinary Joe, next week it’s semi-retired cricketer Darren Gough; still, his adroitness at ballroom dancing should enable him to partially overcome the crippling athletic handicap of being a cricketer.

Doctor Who: Planet of the Ood, BBC1

Did we like it?
This series’ first visit to an alien planet saw the Doctor abolish the inhuman practice of enslaving the Ood, and was a thrilling and thought-provoking episode. But because of the intriguing moral precipice along which the Doctor edged, it would perhaps have been more prudent to devote more of the scant 45 minutes to exploring the circumstances and ‘developed’ society that advocated such barbarity.

What was good about it?
• The plot centred on the “Great and Bountiful Human Empire” – the grandiose title alone is enough to imply that it has sunken into a cesspit of sloth, indulgence and depravity – disabling and mutilating the peaceful Ood to act as squid-faced butlers.
• There were clear allusions to concentration camps, such as when the Odd were frogmarched across a yard and any of them faltering was brutally whipped. Or the harrowing scenes when the Ood were packed into crates for transport to elsewhere in the galaxy resembled Jewish internees being crushed on to trains bound for the horrors of Auschwitz or Treblinka. And, finally when Donna wondered out loud why the Ood didn’t simply flee when she opened the door to their crate was similar to the footage of captive Jews trudging through a muddy field to line up to be shot and collapsing into a ready-made trench.
• While Donna’s contempt for “a great big empire built on slavery” had obvious echoes closer to home.
• The most heart-rending moment came when the Doctor coaxed a cage of pre-processed Ood into revealing what they were holding in their hands. It was part of their brains, the part that controls emotion that is summarily castrated when they are ‘processed’ leaving them the docile domestics that have been shipped out all over the cosmos.
• It was these powerful scenes that were so well-written, acted and directed that made you wish that there could have been a little less pointless chasing around – the guard with the comic villain’s evil cackle chasing the Doctor round the cargo bay with a mechanical claw for instance – and a more profound exploration of the mentality of the human empire that endorses such base behaviour.
• A hint of the mentality bled through in the form of the odious ogre in charge of the Ood slavery, Mr Halpen (Tim McInnerny) but too little was seen of the perceptions beyond the crazed avarice of the corporate businessman.
• The only envoys of the rest of the empire came in the form of two-dimensional sales reps who acted en mass like racists in an Indian restaurant to the passive Ood so that their massacre could be justified, and the head of marketing Solana (Ayesha Dharkar). Once the Doctor had awoken her to the atrocities of the operation it would have been rewarding to see her at least doubt the morality of her job and strive for redemption; instead she was quickly despatched in the uprising and you felt not one jot of sympathy for her.
• Catherine Tate built on her impressive performance from last week, here flipping from impulsive reactionary when first confronted by the physically revolting Ood, but as the mortally wounded humanoid lay dying she touchingly comforted its last few breaths; even ignoring the Doctor’s warnings that it could still be dangerous.
• The dialogue between the Doctor and Donna is also slipping into a groove, she does not cow to his omniscience and he does not spare her the grisly realities of his world. Her awe as the “Ferrari” spaceship flew over their heads was rapidly replaced by disgust when she discovered what was on it. She will also slap him down such as his remark that her clothes had the same unethical stench about them as the transport and enslavement as the Ood.
• Tim McInnerny’s sneering Mr Halpen made a worthy if somewhat transient adversary for the Doctor. Always mindful of his corporate responsibilities, he was given depth by his own enslavement to the “family business” which served as a pair of blinkers to the dissolute nature of his trade, and had come to regard his personal Ood in the same way as Clive of India might have regarded his favoured boot polisher. His poetic downfall of being transformed into an Ood was as satisfying as it was gruesome, rivalling Richard Wilson’s face being metamorphosed into a gasmask in The Empty Child.
• The rebellion of the Ood in which they oscillated between the personas of icy assassins and fearless lunatics was an exciting set piece even if in the aftermath there did seem to be a suspicious absence of corpses.

What was bad about it?
• Why is the Ood translator manufactured so that it can be altered into a deadly weapon? It’s the equivalent of a pet store today selling rabid dogs.
• Mr Halpen was suffering from baldness – an attritional bane that has plagued men since they waded from the primordial swamp, through coercing them into ever more ludicrous hairstyles from Julius Caesar to Bobby Charlton. All of which considered, you’d expect there to be a cure for the condition by the year 4126 – especially when you consider that judging by the encroaching hairlines among many football managers, actors and pop stars, there’s a ‘cure’ today. And while Halpen’s ‘cure’ was in fact an Ood brew to transform him into one of their kind, there must have existed a quicker, more permanent elixir for this most atavistic of malaises.
• Another anomaly of the year 4126 was that Solana remarked that an Ood killing the director at the very start of the episode was “caught on tape”. If they’re still using tape in the 42nd century then perhaps we shouldn’t chuck out all our cassettes just yet.
• This was the third episode which had as its centrepiece a chase.
• The emancipation of the Ood was a poignant elegy to freedom, but the downside is that a wishy-washy, noodling torrent of meaningless Clannad music will be forever emanating through the universe.

British Academy Television Awards 2008 - the winners/our picks

Boy A, Cranford, Peep Show, The Street, The Apprentice, Harry Hill, Gavin & Stacey
Best actor
Winner Andrew Garfield: Boy A (Channel 4)
Tom Hardy: Stuart: A Life Backwards (BBC Two)
Matthew Macfadyen: Secret Life (Channel 4)
Antony Sher: Primo (BBC Four)David's pick: I can’t separate Macfadyen, Hardy and Garfield, so as a tiebreaker I’ll plump for Hardy because of his other stellar performance as Bill Sikes in Oliver Twist.
Luke's pick: Mathew Macfadyen was convincing in Secret Life as a released paedophile who struggled to slip back into society and bizarrely made you feel for the character.Paul's pick: Andrew Garfield moved me most as the man who had killed as a child and, although rehabilitated, was not forgiven. Macfadyen had a similar role as a released paedophile but didn't quite have the same impact.
Best actress
Winner Eileen Atkins: Cranford (BBC One)
Judi Dench: Cranford (BBC One)
Gina McKee: The Street (BBC One
Kierston Wareing: It's A Free World (Channel 4)David's pick: Kierston Wareing brought the right contrast of confusion and delusional resolve as an out-of-her-depth gangmaster in It’s A Free World, but such was the maelstrom of compassion, austerity and charisma of Eileen Atkins in Cranford, I’ll vote for her.
Luke's pick: I’d be willing to put money on Dame Judi’s name being read out.Paul's pick: Eileen Atkins only appeared in two episodes of the wonderful Cranford but she stole the show as the prim spinster who disapproved of sucking oranges – and just about everything else.
Best entertainment performance
Simon Amstell: Never Mind The Buzzcocks (BBC Two)
Alan Carr and Justin Lee Collins: The Friday Night Project (Channel 4)
Stephen Fry: QI (BBC Two)Winner Harry Hill: Harry Hill's TV Burp (ITV1)David's pick: As the Friday Night Project has admitted Girls Aloud, it is as irradiated as Chernobyl, so that’s those two out of the running. Fry and Amstell are both so familiar that their wit – erudite and snide respectively – has almost become almost part of the furniture. Which is why Harry Hill is the clear winner for me.Luke's pick: All these nominees are deserving. But I’d like to see Simon Amstell take it. I'ts not often that a show can replace a host and it feel comfortable. I’ve not missed Mark Lamarr at all and, if anything, I’ve enjoyed the recent series of Never Mind the Buzzcocks more than ever.Paul's pick: I love all five nominees, but Harry's good-natured comedy is more deserving than the barbed, wacky and bookish efforts of the others.
Best comedy performance
Peter Capaldi: The Thick of It (BBC Four)Winner James Corden: Gavin and Stacey (BBC Three)
Stephen Merchant: Extras Christmas special (BBC One)
David Mitchell: Peep Show (Channel 4)David's pick: Capaldi and Merchant only appeared in about one episode apiece this year (and The Thick of It has palled a little). James Corden was fantastic in Gavin & Stacey, but as I identify more with David Mitchell’s monstrously miserable Mark, he’s my choice.
Luke's pick: Another strong list of deserving winners. I’d like to see David Mitchell win. The last series of Peep Show may not have been as strong as the previous three but David is a true comic genius. I would’ve picked Stephen Merchant but he didn’t feature enough in the Extras special.Paul's pick: I predict David Mitchell will make a very witty winner's speech when he pips the other three talents in this well-contested category (which should have had Screenwipe's Charlie Brooker among the contenders).
Best single drama
Boy A (Channel 4)
Coming Down The Mountain (BBC One)Winner The Mark Of Cain (Channel 4)
The Trial of Tony Blair (More 4)David's pick: The Tony Blair drama was more an indulgent, albeit entertaining, act of fulfilling a frustrated wish, Mark of Cain was harrowing, but Boy A was near perfect drama in which every character seemed to be detailed down to their last atom.Luke's pick: This has to go to Coming Down The Mountain. It was a drama that could have been quite soppy and corny but the story was told with a great deal of realism without being patronising or over-sentimental.Paul's pick: Blair doesn't compare to the other dramas which left a deep emotional impact without being manipulative. Coming Down The Mountain – starring Nicholas Hoult and Tommy Jessop as his brother with Down's syndrome – was just that little more special, a fine TV drama debut for novelist Mark Haddon.
Best drama serial
Winner Britz (Channel 4)
Cranford (BBC One)
Five Days (BBC One)
Murphy's Law (BBC One)David's pick: A strong category with four worthy nominations, but it’s between Five Days – which was inventive in that it focused on the impact of a murder case on the people affected rather than the inquiry itself – and, my choice, the sublime Cranford – a classic, proving that not all family dramas need to be sentimental and pander to audience expectations.Luke's pick: This is quite a weak list, I think. Again I think Cranford’s a safe bet but it’s a list that doesn’t leave much to choose from.Paul's pick: Sunday evening serials crammed with bodices, candles and horse-drawn carts are usually pretty but dreadul but trend-bucking Cranford should be a shoo-in. None of the others particular impressed.
Best drama series
Life on Mars (BBC One)
Rome (BBC Two)
Skins (E4)Winner The Street (BBC One)David's pick: I’ve never got Life on Mars (or Ashes to Ashes). The first episode of the new series of Skins was one unquestionably celestial TV, replete with harps and angels but it remains maddeningly inconsistent. I’ll choose Rome for the flawless acting, the exquisite detail and for that oddly moving scene when Pullo sat with Cicero in his garden before executing him and nailing his hands to the senate door – nothing segues between beauty and brutality with the same verve and relish as Rome.Luke's pick: Life On Mars has been raved about but I think this prize should go to The Street. It's gritty, real and to the point, which is what I like in TV drama. Let’s just hope we get a third series.Paul's pick: The first two are overrated; the third is underrated; the last is highly regarded, rightly so, and should be the winner after a superb second series of torrid tales stretching the talents of Britain's best actors.
Best continuing drama
The Bill (ITV1)
EastEnders (BBC One)
Emmerdale (ITV1)Winner Holby City (BBC One)David's pick: The last time I watched a soap was when I was entrapped in the vortex of having my tea at the same time as Neighbours in 1991, so I care less about this than which factory-line earnest (fe)male ‘singer/songwriter’ is topping the charts this week.Luke's pick: Waterloo Road should have made the list. I’d predict a win for the always smiley folk of Albert Square, though.Paul's pick: Don't watch any of these much. But Sun Hill will always have a place in my heart so it's The Bill I'm backing. Waterloo Road should be on this list – and at the top of it.
Best factual series
Meet The Natives (Channel 4)
Paul Merton in China (Five)
Tribe (BBC Two)Winner The Tower: A Tale of Two Cities (BBC One)David's pick: Meet The Natives, for the way in which it reflected back at Western society its petty absurdities and needless etiquette.Luke's pick: Again this isn’t the best list but Tribe will always be a favourite of mine for never failing to be interesting and compelling. Meet The Natives was good but I preferred Five’s Return Of The Tribe which had a similar premise.Paul's pick: Not an impressive shortlist - all good, none of them great. Tribe is always compelling, though, and deserves to win, but Meet The Natives probably will.
Best entertainment programme
Britain's Got Talent (ITV1)Winner Harry Hill's TV Burp (ITV1)
Have I Got News For You (BBC One)
Strictly Come Dancing (BBC One)David's pick: Strictly Come Dancing is punk for people dead from the neck up, Britain’s Got Talent is punk for people who are dead all over and want to take the whole world with them. Have I Got News… STILL needs a permanent host – Boris Johnson can only appear so many times before that joke isn’t funny anymore. Thank God for Harry Hill, the most consistently funny show of the year, and much like Cranford, it’s a ‘family’ show – which may soon become a byword for exemplary quality rather than staid, stale, stolid swill.Luke's pick: It has got to be Britain’s Got Talent even though it annoys me that Piers Morgan will be holding an award.Paul's pick: Britain's Got Talent was a sensation – that baton-swirling boy provided one of my favourite TV moments of 2007. But as some odious folk were involved (Cowell, Morgan), I hope Harry Hill goes home happy.
Best situation comedy
Benidorm (ITV1)
The IT Crowd (Channel 4)Winner Peep Show (Channel 4)
The Thick of It (BBC Four)David's pick: Benidorm is an ITV1 sympathy nomination, The Thick of It wasn’t as strong as previously (but still very good) so it’s between The IT Crowd – during the second series, Graham Linehan instilled some of that Father Ted magic surrealism – and Peep Show, which keeps getting better and better, making it my choice.
Luke's pick: I seem to be alone in enjoying Benidorm so I know it won’t win. I’d go for The Thick Of It but I think Gavin & Stacey deserves to be nominated, too.Paul's pick: The Thick Of It will win. I won't complain but I'd rather Peep Show earned more recognition for its insightful brilliance. The IT Crowd's second run was much improved; Benidorm sucked and should have been replaced by Lead Balloon on the shortlist.
Best comedy programme
The Armstrong & Miller Show (BBC One)Winner Fonejacker (Channel 4)
Russell Brand's Ponderland (Channel 4)
Star Stories (Channel 4)David's pick: A bizarrely weak category, Star Stories is too aligned with Heat to be worthwhile no matter how caustic the parody; Fonejacker is 10 years out of date; Russell Brand had its moments but needs more editorial discipline, and so it’s the quite good Armstrong & Miller for me (God look at me, I’m beginning to adopt the asinine non-committal critical cowardice of Late Review).Luke's pick: This list is the worst of the lot for me. Armstrong & Miller were entertaining but, as ever with a sketch show, it was hit and miss. I didn’t crack a smile at Star Stories and I find Brand and Fonejacker slightly irritating.Paul's pick: I detest Brand; I'm a bit bored with sketch comedy; and I thought Star Stories stuttered, so it's Fonejacker for me. Made me laugh more than any other comedy in 2007.
Audience award
The Apprentice (BBC Two)
Andrew Marr's History of Modern Britain (BBC Two)
Britain's Got Talent (ITV1)
Cranford (BBC One)Winner Gavin & Stacey (BBC Three)
Strictly Come Dancing (BBC One)David's pick: Because we’re not usually enamoured by costume drama, I’ll go with Cranford as it crossed the genre barrier with the same insouciant valour and brilliance as Nirvana’s Nevermind.Luke's pick: The audience will go with Britain’s Got Talent but I’d like to see The Apprentice get the award. Gavin & Stacey would do better in the comedy section.Paul's pick: I'm crazy for Cranford so that's the one I want to win. I hope Strictly Comes Dancing doesn't but won't complain if any of the others triumphs.
Best single documentary
Beautiful Young Minds (BBC Two)Winner Lie of the Land (Channel 4)
Malcolm and Barbara: Love's Farewell (ITV1)
Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives (BBC Four)David's pick: Malcolm And Barbara: Love’s Farewell is the best in a strong category that seems soaked with tragedy.Luke's pick: Malcolm and Barbara was moving but went on a bit. I think Beautiful Young Minds would be a deserving winner.Paul's pick: Beautiful Young Minds was the most fascinating; Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives was interesting; the other two disappointed me.
Best feature
Heston Blumenthal: In Search of Perfection (BBC Two)Winner Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (Channel 4)
The Secret Millionaire (Channel 4)
Top Gear (BBC Two)David's pick: With cooking the surly black shirt menace of modern TV, I’m ruling out Blumenthal and Ramsay. But Jeremy Clarkson and his Top Gear dogma is rapidly becoming the consensual voice of a generation of society with the same cultural and philosophical perspective as the barbarians who savagely pillaged Rome. The Secret Millionaire, by default.
Luke's pick: Anything that brings me close to tears deserves an award and so Secret Millionaire has to win this.Paul's pick: The Secret Millionaire made me cry so that's the winner for me. Hate Top Gear, bored with cooking.
Best international show
Californication (Five)
Family Guy (BBC Three)Winner Heroes (BBC Two)
My Name Is Earl (Channel 4)David's pick: As none of these shows has captivated me to the point of systematic addiction, I’ll go with Heroes for the thrilling last episode (but even that was almost ruined by the plastic pathos between Peter and Nathan).Luke's pick: Family Guy is an all-time favourite of mine. I know it doesn’t stand a chance against the mighty Heroes, but it's nice it gets mentioned.Paul's pick: Heroes is the only nominee that I enjoyed – and even that bored me towards the end. It should win; Californication better not. Dexter was the best import of 2007 and should have been shortlisted – along with Prison Break, Entourage and The Office.
Best special factual
Winner Andrew Marr's History of Modern Britain (BBC Two)
Earth: The Power of the Planet (BBC Two)
The Genius of Photography (BBC Four)
The Relief of Belsen (Channel 4)David's pick: Modern Britain and Belsen were exhausting, exhaustive reinterpretations of historical events, but reinterpretations all the same. But I’ll choose Earth: Power of the Planet which sought to teach you something new and astonishing, and Dr Iain Stewart’s schoolboy enthusiasm grew on us with each episode.
Luke's pick: Earth was spectacular. I think it’s a winner!Paul's pick: Marr was entertaining but my choice goes to the spectacular Earth, a natural history documentary not tarnished by Titchmarsh. Shouldn't The Choir have made this list?
Best current affairs
Winner China's Stolen Children: A Dispatches Special (Channel 4)
Dispatches: Fighting The Taliban (Channel 4)
Honour Kills (BBC Three)
Panorama: Dog-Fighting Undercover (BBC One)David's pick: Another category that rightly rewards tackling often unpleasant subjects, and of the three we saw China’s Stolen Children was the most powerful.Luke's pick: I didn’t see any of the nominees but I’ll be happy as long as Panorama doesn’t win.Paul's pick: Fighting The Taliban was the stand-out documentary from this list. Panorama has so lost its way that I hope it doesn't win.
Best news coverage
BBC Ten O'Clock News: War in Afghanistan (BBC One)
Channel 4 News: Iraq: The Surge (Channel 4)
ITV Evening News: Zimbabwe: The Tyranny and the Tragedy (ITV1)Winner Sky News: Glasgow Airport Attack (Sky News)David's pick: I don’t watch Sky News on principle that I might be ideologically poisoned, ITV News bulletins are little better than spiteful gossip columns with the readers furrowing their brows as hard as they can to project pseudo-compassion, Channel 4 News is an exasperatingly tiresome beacon of banality for guilt-ridden liberals to absorb while sipping a glass of expensive red wine, and the BBC correspondents have spent the last month desperately searching for tree-crushed cars to give their reports on bad weather some human substance. None of them deserve an award until they stop letting public opinion determine what is newsworthy and what isn’t and decide for themselves instead of relying on a wasted generation of emotionally wizened wastrels who are hanging pathetically off the teat of Heat ‘magazine’.Luke's pick: Normally the BBC can’t be beaten but the Sky coverage from Glasgow is the one that stands out for me.Paul's pick: Despite being a bit of sensation up against three very worthy reports, the Sky coverage from Glasgow gets my vote.
Best sport
Boat Race (ITV1)Winner ITV F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live (ITV1)
Rugby World Cup 2007: England v France semi-final (ITV1)
Wimbledon: The Men's Final (BBC One)David's pick: The fact that three of these nominations – Grand Prix, Boat Race and Wimbledon – serve almost as great a purpose as a sickening social séance for the obscene and the obscenely wealthy immediately disqualifies them, leaving the Rugby World Cup to triumph.Luke's pick: I’m not a sports fan – I’m just happy wrestling didn’t make the cut!Paul's pick: ITV deserves the award for its excellent rugby coverage. If only it could tackle football as well.
Best interactivity
Big Art Mob (Channel 4)
Doctor Who Comic Maker (BBC One)Winner Spooks Interactive (BBC One)
The X Factor (ITV1)David's pick: Is this necessary?
Luke's pick: Shouting at The X Factor was about as an interactive as I got.Paul's pick: Spooks gets my vote - although I must admit I didn't get interactive with any of these four.

Special awardPaul Watson

Fellowship
Bruce Forsyth