Did we like it?
The most charmless chef ever to carve out a TV career bores us for an hour, screwing up a format that could have worked in more charismatic hands.
What was good about it?
• The concept – celeb chef travels the country finding ingredients that encapsulate and celebrate British cuisine – was a good one. Until they decided that Marco Pierre White was to be the chef who would front it.
• The food experts who were unimpressed with Marco's unadventurous menu ( "lacking in flair" , "a bit of a damp squib") and not afraid to let him know. “They looked like the Addams Family,” was his ungracious retort. He preferred to listen to a posh little girl who thought the rabbit tasted tender.
What was bad about it?
• The scruffy, fag-smoking Marco has no discernible charm, no ability to convey his passion ("Pork isn't everyone's cup of tea") and looks like he's used a meat tenderiser on his own face.
• There was not a shred of joy in the programme. Marco made a bit of a play out of patting a pony but otherwise acted as if he'd been forced from his bed after a very late night.
• The irritating TV cookery show quirk of having the chef talk to someone in the middle distance when explaining a recipe.
• Marco sucking his finger.
• Marco making a "big chopper" joke.
• Marco saying "You should be spanked with rhubarb sticks." He may have thought he was being saucy but it sounded horribly sinister.
* Marco adopting a pale version of Keith Floyd's style. "Pint of cider, please," he demanded. "I shoot better pissed," he said before heading out to bag rabbits.
* Marco's driver, Mr Ishii. Oh what he card he wasn't.
• Narrator Janet McTeer tried to make us excited about the competition – would rabbit stockpot, fish pie or honey roast pork be the favourite? She tried to made it sound exciting; it wasn't. It was pointless.
• What sort of top chef uses stock cubes as a seasoning? Ones who appear in programmes sponsored by Knorr stock cubes, that's who.
Did we like it?
This attempt to borrow shamelessly from the Wife Swap formula was another of the dumbed down channel's dreadful mistakes. Yet there were laughs to be had from watching two unselfconsciously awful people forcing three rather nice people to skivvy for them – and, even more ridiculous, admire them.
What was good about it?
• Wannabe bosses Suzi and Peter just couldn't help making complete fools of themselves as they got to know their potential PAs and swanned around their modest homes (which wouldn't have been out of place on council estates) pretending to be in the same league as proper businesspeople.
• Name dropper extraordinaire Suzi Alexson fancied herself (full stop) as the new Max Clifford yet gushed horribly when she met him ("I'm in awe of you"), became completely flustered when trying to woo a record industry jerk (he had a plaited beard!) as a client, and couldn't even work a mobile phone.
• Peter Rosenfeld fancied himself as the new Alan Sugar with his six businesses. We were never informed about exactly what his companies did, although we did get a glimpse of a minibuses with with leopard-print seats that offers Cheshire safaris and told he has a speed-dating company.
• Of the three candidates, mouthy South African Melanie was the only one who really stood up to the awful twosome. The highlights of the programme were when she told Suzie she'd made a fool of herself in front of Clifford (adding, for good measure: “You’re too self-righteous and need to be bought down a peg or two") and told Peter there was no way she'd be washing the vast white pants he wore. These pants and their contents, by the way, have attracted six simultaneous girlfriends. That's what we were told, as were the PAs, none of whom laughed in his fat face.
What was bad about it?
• The format was rushed. Cramming six try-outs into an hour meant we never really gained much of an insight.
• Anne Marie (not into potato peeling) and Mikey (always carries a notebook) were two very strange people, somehow able to be ingratiating and cold at the same time. Somehow Mikey got job offers from Suzi and Peter. Luckily for him, we were informed that he was working for neither.
• Peter is very camp but he's straight so has to be homophobic to make sure there's no mistaking. And sexist. When he took Anne Marie out for a meal, he tried to brag about his penis size ("That's not my leg you're touching") and pass it off as being amusing. Sad fucker.
• If we ever feel tempted to hire ourselves an energy therapist (yes, they do exist), we'll recall the uselessness of Nigel, who fulfills the role for Suzi, banging on about "energies not being harmonised” and suchlike.
* Suzi who fancies herself, yet is like an ugly version of Vanessa Feltz, has spawned two of the most unfortunate looking children you'll ever see on TV.
• The simpering narration by Tara Newley who only sounds fit enough to for a job as an announcer on Disney Playhouse.
Saturday 7.00pm/10.00pm T In The Park 2008 BBC3 – Edith Bowman and Jeff Leach present Kaiser Chiefs, The Fratellis, The Kooks, The Raconteurs, The Pigeon Detectives and We Are Scientists. 7.00pm iTunes Festival 2008 ITV2 – Peaches Geldof and Dave Berry present N*E*R*D, Gabriella Cilmi and The Feeling. 8.00pm Werner Herzog Night BBC4 – Featuring Fitzcarraldo, Aguirre, Wrath of God and Imagine... Werner Herzog: Beyond Reason. 10.45pm Kenneth Williams - Fantabulosa! BBC2 – Terrestrial airing of the BBC4 biographical drama about the troubled comedian. Preceded by the films Carry On Camping and Cor, Blimey!; followed by the film Carry On Matron. Sunday 4.00pm Alicia Keys In Africa Channel 4 7.00pm 7/7: The Angels of Edgware Road Channel 4 7.00pm/11.45pm T In The Park 2008 BBC3 – Edith Bowman and Jeff Leach present The Hoosiers, REM, Kings Of Leon, Amy Winehouse, The Prodigy, The Zutons, Primal Scream and The Charlatans. 8.00pm One Night in Bhutan BBC4 – Featuring Himalaya with Michael Palin, Joanna Lumley in the Kingdom of the Thunder Dragon, Natural World, Tribe and The Accidental Angler.9.00pm Salma Hayek Biography 9.00pm Son Of Sam: David Berkowitz Crime & Investigation 11.45pm A Match Made in Heaven ITV1 – Series exploring three of the UK's most popular religious dating agencies. Narrated by Liz Kershaw. g Guest list • Barbara Windsor on The Sunday Night Project Channel 4, Sunday • Billy Joel on The South Bank Show, Sunday, ITV1 * Katie Price and Nigel Kennedy on The Charlotte Church Show Channel 4, Thursday • Panic at the Disco, Suzanne Vega and David Gray on Live from Abbey Road More4, Friday Monday 12.30pm The Class Channel 4 – Shortlived US sitcom featuring Sean Maguire playing a gay character. The series, created by David Crane and Jeffrey Klarik (writers on Friends and Mad About You), starts with a reunion of old schoolfriends, organised by Ethan Haas (Jason Ritter). 7.30pm Return To... Airport BBC2 – Update on the reality documentary series about Heathrow airport. 7.50pm The Seven Wonders of the Muslim World Channel 4 – Five-part series looking at how Islam is lived and practised. Part of The Wonders of Islam season. 8.00pm The Qur'an Channel 4 – Documentary by Antony Thomas asking what Islam's holiest book says about issues such as equality, punishment, peace, other faiths and suicide bombing.8.00pm Chris Boardman: The Final Hour ITV4 9.00pm Liz Smith Night BBC4 - Featuring The Royle Family, I Didn't Know You Cared, Mark Lawson Talks to Liz Smith and Play for Today: Hard Labour. 9.00pm Make Me A Supermodel LivingTV – US reality show presented by Niki Taylor and Tyson Beckford. 9.00pm Sasha: Beauty Queen at 11 BBC3 12.10am Shariah TV Channel 4 – Series five of the series exploring Muslim life. Tuesday 8.00pm Send In The Dogs ITV1 – Four-parter following police dogs at work. Narrated by Ken Stott. 8.00pm Hitler's Secret Bunkers: Revealed Five 9.00pm Jimmy Doherty's Farming Heroes BBC2 – The farmer meets other people involved in agriculture. 10.35pm Olympic Dreams: The Class of 2012 BBC1 – Four-part documentary series showing what it takes for these Olympic hopefuls to make the grade. Features diver Tom Daley; BMX world champion Shanaze Reade; the wheelchair rugby team; heptathlete Jessica Ennis; table tennis players Paul Drinkhall and Darius Knight; Welsh gymnast Venus Romaeo; judo hope Ashley McKenzie; Paralympic dressage champion Lee Pearson; the women's rowing team; and the men's rowing coxless four.
Wednesday 9.00pm The Thirties In Colour BBC4 – Four-part series featuring footage from rare, private and commercial film collections and archive photographs. 9.00pm Private Practice LivingTV – A spin-off from the US medical drama series Grey's Anatomy following neo-natal surgeon Addison Forbes Montgomery (Kate Walsh), as she moves from Seattle to Santa Monica, California to start a new practice. 9.00pm The Foreign Legion: Tougher Than the Rest ITV4 9.00pm Cars, Cops and Criminals BBC1 – Three-parter examining car theft. 10.00pm Diet on the Dancefloor LivingTV – Series in which overweight people attempt to lose weight by taking part in a dance contest. Made by Mentorn. Thursday Tribe Season Current TV – Running over four nights until Sunday, a series of 90-minute documentaries on the tribes in today's urban environments, focusing on Suicide Chat Rooms in Japan, Knife crime in London, The Neon Clan in Paris, Urban Cougars (wealthy, beautiful women at their sexual peak), Sex offenders in Miami, Sneaker Freakers, Tecktonik break dancing crews in Paris, and South Bank skateboarders in London 8.00pm Redgrave's Raw Recruits ITV4 – Sir Steve Redgrave attempts to turn a squad of youngsters from inner-city Liverpool into top class rowers. 9.00pm Harley Street ITV1 – Six-part drama series about a team of GPs and specialists who are setting up a new practice in London's famous medical district. Stars Suranne Jones and Paul Nicholls as private doctors Martha, the daughter of a Harley Street practitioner, and Robert, a working class lad, plus Shaun Parkes as cosmetic surgeon Ekkow. With Oliver Dimsdale as Felix Quinn, Kim Medcalf as practice manager Anne and Cush Jumbo as receptionist Hannah. Guest stars include James Fox, Isabella Calthorpe, Will Mellor and Leslie Phillips. Written by Marston Bloom; made by Carnival Films.
Friday 8.00pm First Night Of The Proms Live BBC2 8.00pm Nelson Mandela 90th Birthday Night BBC4 – Featuring Soweto Strings, Sophiatown and Arena: Voices from the Island. 8.00pm Steve McQueen: The Essence of Cool ITV4 10.35pm Comedy Connections – Til Death Us Do Part BBC1 11.35pm T In The Park 2008 BBC2 – Highlights of the music festival. 12.15am Smirnoff Experience Channel 4 – The Paris concert featuring Duran Duran and Mark Ronson. 12.55am All You Need is Love More4 – Rerun of the 17-part 1970s documentary series telling the story of popular music. Features The Beatles, Duke Ellington, Edith Piaf, Judy Garland, The Bee Gees, Billie Holliday and The Rolling Stones. g Subject list • Panorama China's Secret War. BBC1, Monday • Inside Gangs Behind Bars. Sky One, Monday • What Happened Next? The Skipper. BBC4, Tuesday * True Stories: Stanley Kubrick's Boxes. More4, Tuesday• The Culture ShowDavid Simon, creator of The Wire; the Sistine Chapel. BBC2, Tuesday • Drama Trails Doc Martin to Foyles War. ITV3, Thursday
Did we like it?
The contrived, lame plot surrounding the crime had us feeling that this was going to be a big opportunity missed. But once the investigation started and central character Ben started his journey through the criminal justice system, it cracked into life, taking us into an uneasy, frightening world. What was good about it?
• Not a dud performance in sight. Ben Whishaw as Ben Coulter shone as the shy boy with a sweet smile, emaciated body and a nervous tic. Maybe he did kill Melanie after picking her up in his dad's taxi, eating ice creams on Southend beach and downing Ecstacy and tequila shots. But we're convinced he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He even parked to take a mobile phone call – that's how law abiding he is.
• Bill Paterson's Det Supt Harry Box. Is he a good cop or a bad cap? Whichever way that pedulum swings, he's a wonderfully intriguing cop.
• Eat your heart out, Timothy Spall. There's a new kid on the block. We couldn't take our eyes off Con O’Neill as shambling, shabby lawyer Ralph Stone with dandruff on his shouldlers, exzema on his feet and a weary regard for the legal system. "They come up with their story. We come up with ours. The jury gets to decide which story they like best. The best story wins," he tells his distraught client who is desperate to be frank.
• It's a very ambitious series, exploring every area of the criminal justice system using strong, believable characters and without resorting to easy clichés or high drama. After just one episode, we knew we were off on a terrible helterskelter ride - but had been given no signals at all about where it would end.
• Writer Peter Moffatt has enough craft to ensure the comic moment with transvestite dangerous driver Pauline didn't jar amid the bleakness. "What gear were you in?" "Basically, the same as I'm in now... It's Dolce and Gabbana."
• Charlie Creed-MIles turning up as Ticehurst the slick barrister who tells the judge he has spent “quality time” with his client, "looked into his eyes, and seen his determination to prove his innocence". He barely shook his hand before making a swift exit from the court's scary holding cell.
What was bad about it?
• Until Ben was arrested, the plot was reckless, especially when Melanie appeared on the scene, jumping in the cab and coming over all mysterious, smoking in the petrol station, doing a runner from the ice cream man and playing a game of dare involving a kitchen knife and splayed fingers. Fortunately, that was an abberation and a memorable drama emerged.
• But not before some over-the-top panic on Ben's part, slapping bloody hand prints all over the house.
Did we like it?
He may be portrayed as the curmudgeonly one on Dragon's Den, but we've always liked Duncan Bannatyne's straight-talking which he brought, to good effect, to this documentary on the way British American Tobacco is marketing cigarettes to children in Africa. What was good about it?
• Bannatyne showed real tenacity in exploring the subject,. A former smoker, he now hates the habit so much that his six children won't get their trust funds if they take up the weed. And that passion radiated through a compelling programme.
• The scenes of cowardly BAT bigwigs and investors scurrying away from Bannatyne's questions at their annual general meeting. "Are you proud of how you market your product?" he asked them. Replies were minimal as they got away from him, off home to count their profits and forget the consequences. The only audible response? ""Well, if they're stupid enough to smoke... "
• The documentary told simple tales – how cigarette addiction is almost omnipotent in Mauritius where smoking is portrayed as the right thing to do, the Nigerian government's court case against the tobacco industry, seeking to recover the $9billion it has spent on treating the victims, and the infection of Malawi with tobacco advertising to persuade the 90% of the population to take up the habit (It helps you pass exams, one boy had been assured).
• While BAT in London disapproves of the sale of single cigarettes (the only way poor kids can afford the occasional puff), Bannatyne showed that its African offshoots go out of their way to promote the singles trade. Bannatyne was left to reflect that tobacco would continue to kill more Africans malaria or Aids.
What was bad about it?
• The effects will probably be minimal and there was an anti-climactic feel to the documentary. The man from BAT who agreed to be interviewed promised to look into this, review that, reiterate the other but we're sure the growth of smoking in Africa will go on unabated. The man, a nervous, red-faced chap, said: "I think your criticism helps all companies like ourselves because we listen to those criticisms and we will be looking at these issues." Bannatyne did well not to laugh in his face.
Did we like it? It was a frantic, brilliant episode and so superbly paced that the holes in the plot larger the Medusa Cascade could be mentally glossed over.
What was good about it? • The nerve-shredding cliffhanger that saw the Doctor in the full throes of regeneration. In one sense it isn’t really a cliffhanger at all, as once the Doctor has fully regenerated he’ll be able to lock horns with Davros once more (and it only took the Master about 30 seconds to regain his full faculties). • The drama stems from this David Tennant persona of the Doctor not being able to emotionally consummate his relationship with Rose. However, we believe it isn’t going to happen. First, for the Doctor to be ‘killed’ by an arbitrary Dalek seems a little worthless – when Tennant’s Doctor expires it will have to be some Herculean act of self-sacrifice in the manner of Peter Davison, Jon Pertwee or Christopher Eccleston, not being zapped by Bob the Dalek. • Second, early on in the episode the camera deliberately panned across the Doctor’s severed hand in a jar, which either indicates that he’ll use that to heal himself or, much less likely, that the Master will pop up and save him (possibly the ‘alternative’ Master from Rose’s dimension, as she was talking to someone from ‘home’ on her mobile). • But there’s also this nagging sense that, well, he could regenerate leaving some other Doctor, not ‘our’ Doctor, to claim the triumphant glory rather like Cesc Fabregas weaving through the entire German defence only to be literally cut in two by a Per Mertesacker foul with the ball tricking to Fernando Torres to poke home a last minute winner. Glory for Spain, glory for Torres, but little more than woe and pity for Fabregas. And that’s why we’ll be back next week. • Bernard Cribbins as Wilf. While family members have sometimes annoyed us, being little more than props to compel companions into otherwise senseless acts of valour, Wilf has been fantastic – in fact, if there’s a companion-shaped hole in the Tardis soon, we’d like him to fill it. In this episode, we marvelled as his efforts to repel the advance of a billion Daleks with a paintball gun, which was as courageous as it was funny. But his best line came when Rose was attempting to link up with the Doctor’s allies, “Have you got a webcam?” she pleaded. “No,” Wilf began sheepishly, “[Donna’s mother] says they’re naughty.” • Julian Bleach as Davros, who made the evil genius the verbal equivalent of nails being slowly and deliberately drawn down a blackboard. Each word was picked over and delivered with exquisite menace, and this contrasted neatly with the soft, volatile lunacy of the insane but prophetic Dalek Caan. Davros’s most effective scene was when he jousted wits with the Doctor, even showing him a pre-watershed pushing glimpse of the open chest he has scavenged for cells in order to create his new army of Daleks. • We still don’t know what Davros’ masterplan is, which perhaps has something to do with the disappearing star systems in Turn Left, which we had assumed to be the purloined planets. • The evolution of the Daleks is a necessary step – the Supreme Dalek has been afforded some rudimentary emotions by Davros – as it’s impossible with cold-hearted cyborgs to generate anything other than flaccid macho dialogue; to endure there has to be a humanity about them to draw in the viewers – also see Cybermen, the Borg from Star Trek and Darth Vader. • But there were also little things that demarcated their inherent alien malice, which was shown best in the scene when people were being herded into the street and were referred to as “males, females and descendants” as opposed to ‘children’. And this was followed by a defiant family being vaporised in their home – male, female and descendant. • The pacing of the episode lurched magnificently from Earth under siege from a merciless, inexorable enemy to the almost sanctified tranquillity of the Shadow Proclamation, back to the Doctor’s allies formulating a plan to alert the Doctor to their location, Davros’ calculating stoicism and finally, and most starkly, the Doctor’s euphoria at Rose’s return cut with him being mortally wounded by a Dalek. • David Tennant and Catherine Tate revelling in smaller roles than usual with Tennant’s highlight being the look on his face when he saw Rose, while Tate’s bolshy “Don’t get all spaceman, what does it mean?” to the Doctor echoed the audience frustration at the doctor’s esoteric explanation of the disappearing planets. • Penelope Wilton as the heroic Harriet Jones, who sacrificed her life (another series theme) in order that the Doctor could home in on their signal. She also boldly claimed that she was right to destroy the Sycorax ship in the 2005 Christmas Special, as she did so as the Doctor wouldn’t always be there to defend the Earth – like now. Although she might not be dead. • Even now, some hints are being seeded for future series’, or at least that’s what Russell T Davies would like us to speculate – the Mr Copper Foundation for example. But most intriguingly was mention of The Nightmare Child, which killed Davros in the Time War until he was rescued by the time-altering Dalek Caan, and why did the Doctor try and save him? • Who was Rose speaking to? And we know Jackie and Micky are back for the finale, but why does her phone work across time, space and dimensions when Donna’s and Martha’s far more advanced phones won’t work across just space? • One of the companions will die next week, the “most faithful” one. Donna is too obvious, Martha is too detached from the Doctor now, so it’s got to be Rose (we think).
What was bad about it? • Too many bloody families involved, even if it will probably transpire that this is a central theme in the conclusion. It was enough of a contortionist’s act squeezing in all of the Children of Time without extraneous scenes with Martha’s mum and Sarah-Jane’s son, and next week Jackie Tyler’s back (but perhaps her presence will be valid in order to grieve for Rose). Hell, even Davros was going on about his ‘family’ like an overbearing mother engaging in a parental game of oneupmanship at Sports Day. Wilf, of course, is exempt from criticism. • Some of the plot elements were so carefully moulded, and far too convenient, wrought just to crudely shunt the narrative along – the disappearing bees were aliens fleeing an oncoming catastrophe only they could sense, Harriet Jones’ subwave network was invisible to the Daleks, while the subwave signal was funnelled through the mobile phone network – this is flawed on two counts, why were celestial satellites far out in space transported with the Earth and why didn’t the Daleks knock out all Earth’s communications, which could have been achieved with a fraction of the technology of the transportation? Unless it’s all part of Davros’ plan to lure the Doctor to his doom (but if this is the case, why didn’t he make the planets slightly easier to find?). • The 100bpm incidental techno music that still sits in the fourth series of Doctor Who as uncomfortably as it did in Rose. • Torchwood is a goldmine of appropriated alien technology. With Jack taking the best shooter, are useless machine guns really the next best weapon available to stop the Daleks? • Mobile phones playing a fundamental role in resolving a Doctor Who problem again, just as in the Age of Steel and Last of the Time Lords. Maybe next series, there might be a foe shaped like a mobile phone. • Fifty-five episodes in and still only one enemy to rival the classic monsters – The Family of Blood. Perhaps new head honcho Steven Moffat will reverse and rejuvenate this worrying trend. The Racnoss, Ood, Slitheen and Vashta Nerada are all welcome but lie in the second division along with the Sea Devils, the Ice Warriors and the Autons et al. • We hope the Doctor isn’t immobilised in Journey’s End like he was for most of Last of The Time Lords.
Did we like it?
