1. The tooth fairy leaves little Leo Blair £20, a new train set and tickets to Disneyland, but over at No 11 Downing Street, John Brown must pay his father £1 for “the cost of tooth disposal, plus VAT.”
2. George Best’s new liver finally gives out while he is down the pub, so a new liver is called into action from the substitutes’ bench.
3. The new Formula One grand prix around the streets of London is blighted by the school run, the congestion charge and dogs befouling the streets.
4. Banned from hunting foxes, the hunters and dogs around the country resort to pursuing rats through the filthy sewers.
5. The Queen gets her servants to vote the gatecrashing Prince Charles out of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here.
1 Tony Blair is keen that hunting dogs find new employment – a dishevelled David Blunkett gets one has his guide dog, while John Prescott tries out some Korean cuisine
2 Abi Titmuss dates and fellates the pig that Rebecca Loos masturbated on The Farm
3 Tony and George record a single called Kill The World. “This single’s going to bomb,” says Blair. “So are we,” says Bush.
4 Kirstie and Phil from Location, Location, Location try to find a new home for The Old Woman Who Lived In A Show. “She needs more space, ideally with off-street parking.”
5 Polo Match Of The Day hosted by Gary Lineker in a top hat, featuring the Royal Family versus Argentinean millionaires
1 Tony Blair putting on a fireworks display for son Leo in which the skies over London light up majestically, including Leo’s name spelt out in sparkles, while Gordon Brown puts on a less impressive display for son John – he holds a match in the air.
2 The robotic BBC2 logo shoots itself when the announcer says The Good Life is on yet again. And the bird in the title sequence flies away and defecates on the yellow blob in the logo.
3 The Rooneys as The Flintstones, with Wayne shagging a slappersaurus and then smashing up The (carved in stone) Sun so Colleen doesn’t hear about it
4 Sven Goran Eriksson has been unfaithful again – he’s been coaching France, Brazil and even Scotland behind the backs of the England players
5 Top Gear 1908 with the silent Jeremy Clarkson saying “Throw away the horses, they’ve invented the car” before going for a drive in a vehicle that was slower than a hedgehog
6 President Bush chanting “four more wars” then getting a kiss-arse-a-gram from Tony Blair
7 Celebrity Street Fighter: Prince Harry v the paparazzi
8 Location Location Location finds a new home for Gordon Brown (“I want a place in Downing Street with an even number”) – No 12 Downing Street
9 A mugger nicks an iPod but destroys it when he finds it contains Phil Collins
10 Osama Bin Laden’s Cave Workout (a fatwah on fat)
1 Arnie becomes president, requesting his coffee with “milk and two steroids” and telephoning “kleine poodlehund” Tony Blair
2 Trinny and Susannah give a snowman a makeover. “He looks so last winter.” “He’s melting. It’s so next spring.”
3 Police Camera Action! features Santa being chased in his 4×4 sleigh. He was 5,000 sherries over the limit.
4 David Beckham has to spell out what he’s bought Brooklyn for Christmas. B-I-K-E. Victoria: “A book? A bikini?”
5 David Beckham puts on his hiking gear for his walk to find his favourite Ferrari in his massive car park (twinned with Los Angeles)
6 A kangaroo is impressed by another kangaroo’s impression of Joe Pasquale. “That’s not an impression. Bastard Paul Burrell ate my knackers.”
7 The Tories bring zombified old people back to life to vote for them – but they vote for UKIP instead.
8 Camilla arrives home at Dunnothin to find Prince Charles shagging a daisy called Daisy
9 George Best’s public service announcement: “Do drink and drive. How else am I going to get another liver?”
10 David Blunkett has a note saying “shag me” attached to his back and Tony Blair isn’t happy with the childish prank. Blunkett reveals he put it there.
1 Tony Blair demands to know from the cabinet if any more scandals are about to break. Gordon Brown admits that he has broken his promise to balance the books – he’s 3p over – and David Blunkett’s dog is revealed to have been at the Queen’s corgis
2 It’s London 2027 (“Henman reaches semi finals,” cries a newspaper seller) where Prince Charles is crowned – but then Trinny and Sussanah show up to say it looks “wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong” and put a fez on his head instead.
3 The craze of people using catchphrases from Little Britain is sweeping the nation
4 Parkinson tries to boost his appeal by fighting Emu (with no Rod Hull attached)
5 Mary Poppino, the Filipino nanny who got a visa to work in the UK
1 The Friends theme song reworked by Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. “Surely now my time is coming near. “It won’t be today, this week or even this year. I’ll be here not you, until my dying days.”
2 The Johnsons (based on The Simpsons) with Boris, Tony Blanders and Blunsky the Clown
3 Rupert The Chav
4 Location, Location, Location relocates Australian insects fleeing from the D-List celebrities
5 Kim and Aggie clean up a nuclear power plant. “This reactor has never seen a duster.”