What to say if you liked it
The most heinous events in British TV history neatly packaged in an easily digestible chart format.
What to say if you didn’t like it
Tedious clips churned out to the point where they’ve been bled of all their humour.
What was good about it?
• Richard Blackwood frantically claiming that having a tube anally inserted to prepare for colonic irrigation “didn’t mean anything about my sexuality”.
• The clips of Club X which was one of the few entries in the chart fully deserving of its place.
• L!ve TV’s news bunny acting out the stories in the background and illustrating the tragic death of a teenager from a drugs overdose by jabbing an imaginary needle into its vein.
• The decent talking heads were very sparse but Paul Morley, Lucy Porter and Boyd Hilton added their welcome intelligence to a pretty dumb show.
• The drama school over-acting of a medium on Most Haunted who claimed to be possessed by a ghost.
What was bad about it?
• The ubiquity of many of the talking heads who spread like a contagious disease over the TV schedules – Dominik Diamond, Garry Bushell, even the excellent Paul Morley is starting to pall.
• An old farmer educating people about country ways was cruelly mocked by the talking heads for being dull which is like a black washed wall laughing at the night sky for being featureless.
• Why were Iggy Pop’s transparent trousers on the White Room shameful? He was singing Lust For Life which immediately made his appearance less shameful that 90
per cent of all songs performed on TV since the era began.
• A young Jude Law acting quite well on Families had no shame, too.
• The concentration on questionable 70s shows such as Mind Your Language had been done to death the evening before on Sky One, and this more light hearted show
added nothing fresh.
• The problem with mocking bad TV is that you have to show clips of bad TV, which is rarely so abysmal as to be amusing. The sole antidote is to have witty talking heads – this programme had Vanessa Feltz, a woman who always seems to be trying to talk over herself.
• Speaking of Feltz, she complained that in the 80s there was little else to do in the morning other than watch Mr Motivator on GMTV as there were no “DVDs or iPods”. Perish the thought that we had to make do with the far more primitive entertainment tools of video cassettes or Walkmans.
• Anna Nicole Smith being a little drunk on GMTV. This was poor not because the clip wasn’t embarrassing, but because Anna Nicole Smith is a pseudo-celebrity.
• The Hit Man And Her was no less shameful than Top of the Pops presented by Andi Peters or Tim Kash.
• Gemini scoring zero at the Eurovision song contest. There have been plenty of worse tunes at Eurovision, and the real reason for “nul points” was the initiation of the Iraq War.
• Yes Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood presenting the 1989 Brit Awards was toe-curling, but has now been broadcast so many times since it’s almost part of the
• The struggle to exhume some truly awful footage of Eldorado. While it was a trashy, disposable soap, Brookside was much, much worse.
• Naked Jungle hosted by Keith Chegwin was the number one, but again wasn’t that shameful. So what, a number of people perform physical tasks while naked. It’s tacky, but for something much more shameful look to X-Factor where the execrable Louis Walsh is revered as some kind of musical deity, yet is responsible for some of the most atrocious babbling to ever be committed to radio. And Dr Fox is much more malignant, too.