Alive: Back To The Andes, Five

by | Apr 5, 2006 | All, Reviews

Highlights

• The starkly beautiful icy wasteland that the team trekked through, it was as sterile as the ITV1 schedule but far more appealing.

• Adam ‘Tory Boy’ Rickitt’s cunning plan to be so emaciated that should they run out of food, he would be the least likely candidate to be eaten. But if they were in desperate need of food they could have reached across the TV channels and leapt into ITV1, where Arsenal were leading Juventus a merry dance. But there again, a sloth with a two tonne lead weight stapled to each foot could have led ‘the Old Lady of Italy’ a merry dance, as they are the slowest football team in history and perfect prey for starving micro-celebrities yearning for something substantial in their guts whether its French fraud Trezeguet or Swedish dumpling Ibrahimovic.

• The dignified description from Nando Parrado and his former colleagues, of how they went in search of salvation after their plane crashed and had been reduced to eating the frozen flesh of their dead rugby team mates. Nando recalled how he reached a point where he resolved to go on in search of rescue rather than return to the wreckage of the plane and certain doom.

• The team hungrily devouring the raw meat that they have been provided with to mimic the conditions the real plane crash survivors would have endured. We’re not sure who or what the meat came from, but we haven’t seen chubby Five-trademarked comedian Rob Deering on the channel in the past week so it could have been him.

• Adam Rickitt (he’s lost his looks, ain’t he?), perhaps through the minus 20 Celsius temperature slowly undergoing a metamorphosis into philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche after he said: “Once someone’s dead the spirit is gone.” Perhaps the thinking behind his transformation into the mad, discredited ‘thinker’ was to lure to the mountainside thousands of naïve students eager to blindly genuflect before Nietzsche whose worthless lives would be ended by the intense cold and their flesh used as food.

• Mind, body and spirit guru Carole Caplin falling ill with altitude sickness. While we wouldn’t wish distress and anguish on any soul while trapped halfway up a mountain in remotest South America (with the definite exception of Jim Davidson, unless he was being salted and lightly roasted), it was amusing to observe that her crackpot theories didn’t amount to a hill of beans in the harsh climate.

Still, she was alright a little bit later on much to the disappointment of Adam who had probably baggsied her fleshy buttocks to take away the insipid taste of the raw meat that he had been reduced to flavouring with the sweat from his sock. At least that’s what we imagined, perhaps the cold is emanating through the screen and affecting us, too.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

05/04/2006

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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