If there’s one thing I absolutely LOVE about this type of show, it’s the nutters. The deluded, bonkers types who think they’re the cat’s pyjamas, the dog’s bollocks and everything in between.
Steven certainly thought that, as did Sarah. Even little Ella Jade, with her big eyes and ‘I’m so cute don’t fire me’ look believed it, in her heart of hearts. But they’re all gone. GONE.
With the point of a stubby finger, Lord Sugar gave the three of them the boot, leaving me hanging off the end of my sofam grasping at my notes. I have to admit, I really, REALLY wanted Sarah, with her f**ked-up ideas about what businesswomen wore to get a sale and her love of lemons, to hang around for a bit longer, if only to see if she really did have any original ideas.
Steven too, I would have loved to see lose it completely. For 98 per cent of the time, he was Mr Mild Mannered, but challenge him on anything, absolutely any-frigging-thing and he was a man possessed – all snarling teeth and barely contained divaesque explosion. I’d have given anything to see him go into full-on meltdown.
Sadly, it’s not to be. Task four saw the teams ordered to create their own YouTube channels and gain the biggest audiences possible – by fair means or foul – in 48 hours.
Ella Jade was forced front and centre by surly Sugar spying as he did on her CV that she wanted to work in this area. “It should be right up your alley” he said, or words to that effect, as poor Ella Jade project-managing Tenacity, squirmed and tried to look enthused.She must have mentally seen the signing of her own death warrant. No wonder she embraced the ‘Fat Daddy’ concept floated by Felipe and backed enthusiastically by Katie. Cue an array of situations in which Felipe, who isn’t exactly porky, was called “fat” at every opportunity. Meanwhile, dopey but cute Solomon grabbed the reins of Summit with both hands and pulled as he guided his gang through the mountain of childish garbage that was ‘Dare to Dine’. Essentially a chance for dips**t salesman James to show off (again), it paired him and Roisin – presumably keen to prove she’s not an actual zombie – in a variety of comedy kitchen set-ups. The results certainly amused Sanjay, who seems to have done the square root of bugger all since the series started, so here’s hoping he breaks a sweat next week. So, Tenacity made their fellow team members squirm with their concept – which Karren said she thought was cruel”, while Summit were amused by their own stupidity, something that wasn’t lost on a sneering Nick.
But more delights were to come. Pitching both ideas to representatives of Buzzfeed (you know, that site where you take pointless quizzes when you’re supposed to be working) was like watching a horror show.
Tenacity’s Fat Daddy idea made the trio of reps look like someone had eaten a baby in front of them, while Summit’s stoopid cookery show left them cold too. No big backers. Yikes. The air in the boardroom was thicker than Sarah’s make-up as the results were announced: Summit landed 3,532 views, while Tenacity managed 3,314. Yipes. With the winning team packed off to Iceland for a dip in some steaming lagoons, Ella Jade and her team were left to savour a bitter defeat. But, arguably the biggest lesson was reserved for the other housemates as, instead of cheering the saved colleague as they walked through the door after the boardroom mauling, Surallan called with a warning: be on your toes, or be out. Given the shower of idiots and underperformers still in the running, you can’t say fairer than that…
Felipe – Oh dear. Fat Daddy? Yup – Tool
Steven –FIRED (shame though)
Daniel –Stayed in the background on this one – a wise move Talent
Sanjay – Far too easily amused by rubber chickens and James’ nipples Tool
Solomon – Hmmm. Either very clever or amazingly lucky – Talent
James – Oh God, please make him stop – Tool
Mark – Still the voice of reason and a bit hunky– Talent
Sarah – FIRED
Ella – FIRED
Bianca – –Spoke sense at the big pitch Talent
Jemma – Surallan’s got his eye on her – and that can’t be good Tool
Lauren – Dropped the ball with naming the video– Tool
Pamela – Woah! Totally came out of her shell and kicked arse. Love her! – Talent
Katie – Meh – Tool
Roisin – Looked marvellous even when working very closely with the mega-irritating James– Talent
The Apprentice Continues Wednesday at 9.00pm on BBC ONE
Contributed by Scheenagh Harrington