The Apprentice, BBC1

by | Apr 4, 2009 | All, Reviews chart

1. (4) James. As part of the boys’ silly 2012-themed sandwiches, James lumbered around the London streets dressed like a boxing man-lard, where he made his sales pitch of “Have you had your lunch, yet?” sound like a threat.

2. (12) Kimberley. Acted as the sacrificial lamb for Yasmina to exhibit her autocratic management style. “Can I just say…” Kimberley began, before Yasmina snapped, “Don’t say that, just say what you want to say!”

3. (5) Yasmina. In just one episode as project manager she showed off all the qualities necessary to win the contest. Insufferable arrogance: “I firmly believe I’m better than all the girls.” A deluded impression of charisma: “My employees might describe me as rude, brash and blunt. But winning is everything to me!” Self-deification: “I’d like to thank you all individually,” she said as they celebrated their win in a big group, “and say we did an amazing job!”

4. (6) Lorraine. As she made the sandwiches, she seemed to panic a bit. Will be the first of the middling candidates to be ‘fired’.

5. (1) Howard. Howard has adopted the tactic of the flabbergasted entrepreneur, unable to comprehend why anyone would want to fire him. He answers Sir Alan’s queries with all the solemnity of a gamekeeper-turned-poacher proclaiming his love of all animals.

6. (2) Mona. Faded into background to such an extent that she was less distinctive than the shades of white that divide Margaret’s hair and visage.

7. (8) Rocky. The man with 15 sandwich “retail units” was asked to sell sandwiches, and made a worse job of than a colony of termites opening a branch of Specsavers.

8. (3) Paula. Less visible than nitrogen.

9. (15) Debra. After last week’s pillaging of decency, Debra slinked to the background.

10. (7) Katie. Stoutly claimed she was a “straight-A student”, and most definitely not a “dumb blonde”. We don’t doubt her – but she can do a damn good impression of one when she hasn’t a clue what she’s talking about. Her tactics in the negotiations with an accountancy firm concerned pouting at the boss while letting a slurry as mucky as Sellafield’s daily effluence pass under her teeth.

11. (13) Majid. Largely responsible for the boys’ failure because of his awful London 2012 idea, which over-complicated what should have been a simple task.

12. (10) Noorul. Was on the receiving end of one of Nick’s most chilling observations. “I watched Noorul,” Nick began with a voice as resonant as the sound of nails being hammered into a victim of crucifixion, “wandering round with his tray.”

13. (14) Phillip. His mouth doesn’t appear to be connected to his brain, as he always complains about what he’s doing but continues doing it without ever offering any alternatives except to get rid of the gold tablecloths for the corporate event. In the negotiations he did encounter a boss of a law firm who seemed determined to snare as much of the limelight he could.

15. (9) Ben. The business equivalent of a ship’s parrot. Sitting on the shoulders of others, this squat splodge of humanity bellowed feeble insults at James while making less of a contribution to the task than the hair deposited in one of the girls’ sandwiches.

Special commendation: Sir Alan’s scriptwriters. We were suspicious last week at his tabloid witticisms, but this week we were overloaded with quips about how Rocky “was on the ropes” or how he ended his football career being “taken off on a stretcher”. While his livid assertion that “second prize don’t exist” could be countered by Saira, Ruth and Claire.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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