Did we like it?
We’re a bit too stunned to know whether this Nightmare On G Wing was garbage or genius.
What was good about it?
• The famous last words uttered by Governor Joy Masterton: “It’s Christmas so we’re all going to enjoy ourselves,” she said, seconds before all hell broke loose.
• The arrival of mystery prisoner Miranda Miles who even managed to spook Nasty Noncey Natalie Buxton when she mentioned she was Satan’s daughter.
• Christie the chaplain’s memorable lines: “I can sense something evil and unnatural on the wing. I want your permission to perform an exorcism.” Joy (or rather Joyless at this stage) granted permission, leading to the most laughable scene in which a possessed Miranda screamed “Piss on yourself!” and spat blood in Chrissie’s face before the woman of the cloth was finally satisfied that she’d banished evil (she hadn’t – her murder in the showers later proved that evil lives on in Larkhall. Hooray).
• The horror movie clichés: snow blizzarding, lights going out, phones cut off, windows blowing open, rats running about (and even getting into Sylvia’s bloomers, causing her to fall and knock herself out) and, most memorably, the homage to Psycho when chaplain Christie perished in the shower as violins shrieked. We especially loved seeing the bloody water pour away into an outside drain clogged with snow.
• Weatherman Michael Fish, parodying his memorable ‘no hurricane’ forecast by reassuring viewers that there’s nothing to worry about. And appearing again the next day to reveal the worst storm in 150 years has arrived.
• The Costa Cons getting tipsy by sucking on satsumas injected with alcohol which came in their Christmas hamper from a friend. Luckily, Phyl was still sober enough to repair the prison’s emergency generator.
• The fancy dress costumes especially Neil as Sherlock Holmes and Sylvia Hollamby as Little Bo Beep (maybe)
• The return of Julie Johnston from the “nut house” after getting over her bi-polar period. She seems sane again but is soon seeing the ghost of evil screw Jim Fenner and doing lots of trembling and wailing. Mercifully, she recovered after stabbing herself in the stomach (we’ve lost The Two Ronnies this year; we couldn’t have coped with the loss of The Two Julies on top of that). Turned out that her visions were all caused by her failure to take her medication because she feared they’d give her “an arse the size of Clapham”.
• The ghost of Jim Fenner, steaming like a frozen shopper who’s finally let into the cosy store after days of queuing for the January sales.
• The topical reference to gay marriage: tough Pat (the Mrs Bah Humbug of the piece – “It’s all hypocritical bollocks”) is getting hitched to the posh Sheena
What was bad about it?
• We didn’t see enough of Snow Black And Da Two Bad Ass Dwarves, G Wing’s pantomime with an anti-drugs message. (“Mirror, mirror on de wall,” exclaimed star Darlene Cake. “Who has de biggest stash of all?”)
• We wanted the ghost of Yvonne Atkins to emerge from the hanging cell.