Review by Tarquin Bloodfist, General Secretary of the National Union of School Bullies (T**T)
Did we like it?
Marvellous, marvellous! For too long we’ve had to put up with the pansy, lily-livered lefties controlling our television, it was good to finally good to get back to persecuting the weak and vulnerable members of society for the pleasure of the strong.
What was good about it?
• Sir Mark of Dolan, I salute you sir! You presided over proceedings with the élan, grace and good humour of good King Herod slaughtering babies – a credit to your parents. I’m so impressed I’m offering you an open invitation to Squirt Hunt, where we charge into a random school, pluck out the five most vulnerable boys and subject them to fierce mental and physical beatings with points awarded for making them cry or s**ting themselves, and a bonus of a bottle of Champagne awarded if they top themselves by their 16th birthday. And we also train up the rest of the school to how most efficiently carry on this victimisation once we’ve moved on to pastures new!
• Alex Zane, bit of a girly haircut, but I liked the way you made people feel really small on your made-up game show. Not helping them with really obvious clues! Genius! You reminded me of dumb Joey from Friends! And there was no harm done as the victims were there in the studio to laugh along with everyone.
• Neg, what a boy! He spent his time driving around throwing fast food at people on the street. Again, no harm done as they were all set up by their mates. Ritual humiliation and pain is always OK if your mates are in on the gag.
• Olivia Lee, our favourite feisty lass knows how to bring those celebs down a peg or two. I pissed myself so much when she chatted with J-Lo and her microphone said on its blindside “Massive Arse” that I almost severed a vital artery on the lad I was torturing with my penknife.
• Da-da-da-da-da-ta-ta! Ladies and gentlemen, please rise and show your appreciation for Pancho and Pritchard – The Pain Men! On Saturday, down the local we found the weediest bloke in the bar and held his head down face first on the green baize of the pool table while we all had a pot shot of smashing a ball into his head just like P&P. But we have got standards, even we’re not cruel enough to smash a beer bottle over someone’s head. Much respect to Pritchard for doing that to himself.
• “The F***ers” brought the house down. A bloke and his bird pretend they’re going to a home with a view to buying it, but as soon as they see the bed they get down to business leaving the estate agent red-faced. Classic!
What was bad about it?