Big Brother 2005 housemates: what will they do now?
Along with the joy and euphoria of the Big Brother finale comes with it the sadness and despair as like 16 unwanted puppies at Christmas, the housemates must find new careers or risk being tied up in a bag and tossed back into the canal of obscurity. But what can they do?
AnTHony the winner: Stapled hastily onto the last page of the Bible as evidence that after Judgement Day mankind will return to the earth, albeit in a reduced, more compliant state with all intellectual wonder and ambition stripped away to be replaced by an abasing baseness.
Eugene: His loveable, vulnerable jelly-like persona can be built into the foundations of a building the constructors secretly want to collapse at a later date to swindle insurance compensation.
Makosi: Hired at political and celebrity events to draw the jeers away from wealthy, but unpopular, public figures in much the same way a soaring queen bee draws the mindless drones from the hive.
Kinga: Her voice is chemically mixed with the warheads of missiles so that when they detonate they do so with a satisfyingly deafening explosion.
Craig: Distilled into a glue so adhesive his liquid clinginess can be used to stick continents together to prevent devastating earthquakes. But such a process is dangerous because sniffing Craig Glue provokes a rage far more intense than any other known drug.
Derek: Transformed into an official document to be placed at the bottom of a pile of government papers of abyssal depth and left entombed for thousands of years. Only emerging in fossilised form millennia later and dismissed as the epitome of 21st century human iniquity.
Orlaith: Her disrobed figure will act as a more effective contraceptive than condoms and a thousand sex education classes in areas of dissolute promiscuity.
Kemal: Captured by the Carpet Liberation Front and tried for his heinous crime of unnecessarily wearing stilettos to embolden his fatuous ego which caused hundreds of metres of innocent carpet to be skewered daily.
Science: Disintegrated into atoms and sold to truanting schoolchildren to rub onto their scalp where Science’s irritation will cause a vexing red rash, thus providing the kids with an excuse to skip class.
Vanessa: Her voice is endlessly replayed to suspected terrorists as a form of torture that falls within the boundaries of international law.
Maxwell: A mound of human excrement for political prisoners to smear messages of defiance on their prison walls when their own supply is exhausted
Saskia: Squeezed into a foam covered steel ball and rolled randomly around places of urban violence where her infinite capacity for spite will enable her to soak up the abundant hatred of drunken, bigoted club goers.
Sam: A vacuous cadaver into who next year’s housemates can safely deposit their dignity before they enter the house, rest assured Sam won’t deplete their stocks whilst they are away.
Roberto: Employed by gravediggers and sunk into the earth to provide a gauge to how deep their plots for the next week’s burials should be.
Lesley: Carefully forged into a rope to hang innocent civilians in some barbaric despotic state, but instead she is used as a washing line and is routinely used to support wet clothes for all eternity whilst her yearnings to be employed to inflict pain, agony and distress, instilled during the creation of the noose, are forever denied to her.
Mary: Becomes a scientific curiosity after geologists reveal her eye sockets are so wide they could only have been created by the impact of the meteor which wiped out the dinosaurs.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday
It’s farewell to Derek, and his specious intellectualism. It’s goodbye to the flaccid efforts to make fox hunting legal again through the malevolent views expounded by “charismatic” black, gay man to exhibit that the Tories are a party who embrace all
creeds and sexualities rather than the bigoted effluent human toxins they are in reality. Also, Davina, Derek isn’t eloquent. His speech merely appeared measured and clever among the rest of the housemates in the same way that a flea is dropped onto a Petri dish of primitive viruses and hailed as “evolved”.
So that leaves
1. Kinga. It’s quite fortunate that she has arrived in the house so late, as for her to have been there from the start would have been like watching a coquettish whore strut around a city centre nightclub looking for custom. But as it stands, her one-dimensional whirlwind personality is suited to the moribund house. And she’s made Makosi weep.
2. Eugene. Now rambling like a typewriter which has been possessed by a poltergeist haunting the place of its doom because it was denied the chance of love, or at least the chance to indulge in its more important hobbies like “radio club”. Rubbish at dancing.
3. AnTHony. Despite his earlier abhorrent behaviour he now wears the disturbed demeanour of a desecrated grave with obscene graffiti. Even though he could be interred six feet below the ground and his flesh putrefying, his intellect rising and his dance moves lost the world forever, he would still feel the constrictive adoration of Craig lingering around his headstone, beating away with a combination of possessive lust and sharpened fingernails all other mourners.
4. Makosi. Not really a person but more the humanoid manifestation of Britain’s global weather system. Should the sun be shining, then she presents a radiant false front of light and joy; if it’s raining, then it takes little more than the antics of Kinga to set her
waterworks off; while if it’s inclement and stormy, Makosi turns her verbal flatulence on her fellow housemates.
5. Craig. In much the same way as the Mafia were once compared to an octopus because of their habit of one of its tentacles finding its way into all manner of positions of influence, so Craig is the reality TV Mafiosi in that his amorality and searing selfishness have violated any home which has tuned into his virulent pursuit of the reluctant AnTHony.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday
It’s farewell to
Kemal We loved the horrified look on his ugly mug when his eviction was announced. The 2005 version of Ricardo From The Salon is now free to mince around in that D-List world where vacuous “famous folk” prop up each other’s out-of-control egos. Ignore him, please. He is the latest representation of homosexuality guaranteed to spread despair among gay men who like fags, football and f**king and don’t give a fig for drag, screeching and stupid catchphrases.
Orlaith Jumped before being pushed so that she could upstage Kemal in the Sunday tabloids by showing those tedious tits again. There were times we quite liked Orlaith – especially when she was subjected to bitchiness from poisonous pair Makosi and Derek – but she’ll be soon forgotten. “Remember the Irish one with the tits,” people will say. “No,” will come the reply.
So that leaves:
1. (3) Eugene Loving him more and more. Could happily listen to him speaking in morse code for hours.
2. (1) AnTHony Just about retaining his credibility in the face of Crazy Craig’s slobbering attentions after drinking himself senseless. Sensibly, he vomited over his acolyte – sadly not enough to stop Craig pawing at his semi-comatose body. Loses points for those Brazil underpants. Wins points for the contents therein. Reminds us of the monkey from the BBC2 series I’m Not An Animal.
3. (2) Craig The tubby freak went down loads in our estimation this week with his self-pitying whining and self-inflicted heartbreaks. Totally overreacted when told he looked like Myra Hindley (more like Ivy Tilsley we thought) and inflicted obscene sexual harrasment on AnTHony when his mate who he doesn’t fancy, not one little bit, was drunk and near naked.
4. (5) Derek The Thatcher-loving ponce is a mean old bastard but at least he delivers his nasty putdowns with a certain eloquence. Nowhere near as clever or secure as he thinks he is, though.
5. (5) Makosi She’s a nasty piece of work, slipping in bitchy comments whenever she can and generally throwing petrol on any flaming row that breaks out.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday – which Fast Show characters do they resemble?
It’s farewell to
Science is the antithesis of the teenager who thinks everything is Brilliant – he views everything as Crap.
So that leaves:
1 and 2. (1 and 5) AnTHony and Craig are Ted and Ralph – the Teenage Years, in which a rapscallion tries to seduce his best friend and loyal retainer with “accidental” caresses instead of awkward silences.
3. (2) Eugene is Jesse who will this week be mostly talking about the best ways to unblock the cistern in footballers’ changing rooms.
4. (6) Orlaith is Johnny Nice Painter who is a relaxed, even-tempered person until someone mentions Science, when at which point she turns into a screaming harridan.
5. (3) Derek is the 13th Duke Of Wynbourne who can scarcely believe that he the virile, fox-hunting dandy has been left alone with a houseful of camp, lustful bachelors.
5. (5) Kemal is Geoffrey Norman MP as he dogmatically refuses to accept anyone else’s point of view than his own such as believing a dustbin will make an apt venue for a bath.
5. (8) Makosi is the No Offence cosmetics sales assistant as she seems to think that a simple apology can cure all the hurt she’s caused by her vicious backbiting.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday
It’s farewell to
Vanessa (7) The bland bitch speaks likes she’s just undergone severe dental treatment and half a pound of cotton wool got left beneath her cheeks. There’s no need for her to speak anyway. Everything she says is an echo of what Makosi has already said several minutes earlier. We are so glad she was given Big Brother’s cruellest eviction ever.
If she was an animal, Vanessa would be an undiscovered species of creature that existed for a few brief years between the Cretaceous Period the modern day. She may have already been stumbled upon, but because she is so unremarkable scientists would deliberately forget about her to save them the bother of laboriously cataloguing such a simpering irrelevance.
So that leaves:
1. (2) AnTHony Has shown amazing patience to resist punching acolyte Craig. We’ve decided he’s an all-round good bloke with his heart in the right place. But we still think he’s also a facile fool hellbent on fame. We’re not sure whether to swallow Derek’s theories that AnTHony is gay.
If he was an animal, AnTHony would be a bull, strutting around confidently but then running a mile when the female of the species actually showed an interest.
2. (1) Eugene Still telling amazing anecdotes and making bad jokes. We’ve decided he’d probably be fine as a colleague in the office (as long as he didn’t sit too near and didn’t turn up at the pub after work). Provided us with the laugh of the week, though, with his trampoline busting antics.
If he was an animal, Eugene would be the baby antelope, unsteady on its legs and certain to fall victim to a callous lion and be last seen being pawed over by cubs inexpertly tearing at its flesh.
3. (7) Derek. Derek We sympathise with his anguish about being stuck with all those halfwit housemates – but he did apply so deserves to be drowned in the vat of vanity and vapidity that is BB6.
If he was an animal, he’d been a precocious poodle, amusing in short bursts but ultimately the sort of creature you’d have to bundle into a sack and take a drive down to the river.
4. (4) Science Still trying to be as arrogant and argumentative as ever and even displaying some misplaced cockiness after surviving the vote against Maxwell.
If he was an animal, “Kieran” would be your gran’s yapping Yorkshire terrier who snarls, barks and acts with unyielding belligerence towards each and every person they meet, but who are forever unmindful of their own astronomical insignificance and are only able to suck attention to their petty cause with more acts of anger.
5. (3) Craig His petulance has put us off him this week. He’s even taken bites at his beloved AnTHony and, if he’s not careful, those ducking antics in the pool could turn nasty. But we do find it amusing when he undertakes a task with so little enthusiasm and his face resembles the Queen when she’s shaking her 400th hand of the day.
If he was an animal, Craig would be a sly, devious panther, feeding silently on the misery of others. While we may once have frowned on this malevolence, such is the enmity we feel towards the others, we now applaud his duplicitous actions.
6. (5) Orlaith We thought we’d like her more once she was turned on by The Three Witches – Makosi, Vanessa, Kemal – but we do understand how they’ve learnt to loathe the nipple-flashing nonentity.
If she was an animal, Orlaith would be a pigeon, so cloyingly ubiquitous that her dyed blonde hair incurs the same jaded response as the pigeon’s jerky head, her plastic breasts the same nausea as the bird’s paunch and the way she and her spiritual kin swarm all over TV reality evokes the same abhorrence as a train station drenched in those vermin-with-wings.
7. (9) Kemal We loved it when Shirley Bassey’s ugly granddaughter had a gippy tummy and took to his bed. Pity he had to get up again and gallavant around in his bid to pick up the sort of work that even Julian Clary turns down. If we see him in a thong again, we are going to write to Channel 4 and insist in pixellation.
If he was an animal, Kemal, with his mind-blowing intellect, would be a dolphin. The way in which the clever teenager answered those questions to gain “films from home” for the housemates was worthy of the swots-of-the-sea. Of course, remove dolphins out of their aquatic environment and they become as dumb as bingo callers in the same way as once Kemal emerges from the house, his natural quiz home will be The Vault rather than Mastermind.
8. (8) Makosi She is so full of herself and hypocrisy, slagging off her attention-seeking housemates even though she’s the worst offender: pretending she’s pregnant, pretending she’s upset that she might have upset her sister, pretending she knows things no-one else knows.
If she was an animal, Makosi would be a crocodile, with her propensity to cry to garner sympathy and her hostile decapitation of all those who oppose her regal will. She’s lying lazily in the river until she feels compelled to create a frothy, frenzied turbulence with some melodrama of her “pregnancy”, deceiving AnTHony or faux sorrow over his sister’s ostensible “disapproval” of her.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday
It’s farewell to Maxwell The man who will have “I’m not being funny” etched on his gravestone paid for his aggression, slovenly habits and annoying catchphrases with elimination. Within a few weeks, “off the hook” will be forgotten. Unless Maxwell and Saskia – the poor man’s Stuart and Michelle – manage to make it as low rent celebs. (Please Heat etc do not let that happen).
So that leaves:
1. (1) Eugene. How can one dislike him? One criticism: his anecdotes need working up a little (“That was it” he says at the end of every story as his audience look on bewildered).
2. (9) AnTHony. If Makosi is pregnant, then AnTHony must have the most potent sperm on earth, having managed to swim around the spa bath before working its way towards Makosi’s eggs. His tolerance of Craig continues to amaze us – even though he claims to never have met anyone of Craig’s sort before.
3. (3) Craig. The close crop has improved his appearance but he’s still the house’s equivalent of a wet bathmat, there to be walked over. Now only has AnTHony to fuss over – and AnTHony will no doubt be trying to keep his heterosexual (!) distance now in a bid to win more of those precious manpoints.
4. (5) Science. Seemed more stunned than Maxwell when the eviction vote went in his favour. His appeal remains carefully hidden under a mass of frizzy hair and the most defensive attitude we’ve seen since Tony Adams last played for Arsenal.
5. (7) Orlaith. Loved her at first, hate her now. The body fascist with a heart of steel looks down upon everyone else, despite having so little of substance in her favour.
6. (10) Derek. Oh shut up, you pious prig.
7. (8) Vanessa. Oh, she’s not still there, is she? We hoped the strict diet week would see her disappear.
8. (2) Makosi. She’s right manipulative cow, that one. Expert at turning people against each other and pointing out weaknesses. But now she’s left looking totally stupid for either lying about getting pregnant or being so ignorant as to get pregnant.
9. (4) Kemal. Flounce, flounce, moan, moan. His Friday night get-up is getting more unappealing each week and we’re really beginning to hate him.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday
It’s farewell to Saskia. She really did demonstrate how committed to combating racism she is (she’s also a quarter-Sri Lankan, don’t you know?) by applying fake tan to herself as a metaphor for the suffering in Africa on Live8 weekend. She further compounded her support by masterfully refusing to let Maxwell, representative of short-term Western avarice, touch her once the fake tan had been put as an emblem of the way in which Africa is a pariah to the developed world. Look out Mr Blair, a career in politics awaits for our game gal!
So that leaves
1. (new entry) Eugene. Lovely Eugene, so adorable and innocent he reminds us of a little baby rabbit nervously poking its nose out into the sweet summer air on a Welsh hillside. And most certainly not of the rabbits experimented on in animal labs across the country where they are subjected to corrosive torture before being cut up and fed to the guard dogs.
2. (5) Makosi. A smile so bright and dazzling you can’t help but wonder that when God proclaimed “Let there be light!” he simply got Makosi to smile. And more proof of this can be found in the crimson shards that lap against the azure skies – do they not resemble Cherryade stains on a gleaming set of teeth?
3. (1) Craig. So vulnerable and persecuted he’s like a confused French peasant in World War Two. Suffering heartbreak because AnTHony won’t return the adoration that radiates from the Norfolk hairdo king.
4. (2) Kemal. He’s very intelligent and also refused to rise to Maxwell’s bait when he tossed a glass of water over him. For a 19-year-old, he’s very intelligent and this helps him to cope with the constantly changing intellectual allegiances where his intelligence enables him to use his intelligence to intelligently dissect the situations that present themselves and take the most intelligent course of action. He’s 19.
5. (3) Science. He’s so street we’ve decided to name a street after him – Pudding Lane. Not, as you cynics may believe, because he acts like a raw dumpling, stodgily getting in everyone’s teeth with his obstreperous antics. It’s because, as Science will
know, it’s where the Great Fire of London began. And once this little firebrand is released back into the world, he’ll blaze a white-hot cultural trail across the capital and his name will be on everyone’s lips.
6. (6) Maxwell. Despite a few faults, which can be excused by youthful high-spirits, our 24-year-old mate (and that’s how we’ve come to regard him) is a real diamond. In fact he’s so charismatic, that we’d like to rub shoulders with him in the pub to the point where both our shoulders are eroded away and we can smear the oozing sores in each others open wounds as an act of blood-kinship.
7. (NE) Orlaith. Our little princess, sculpted from marble perhaps by Rodan, or maybe even a higher power? Look at her perfectly graceful arms like waves gently beaching, weep before her eyes cut with a care only the gods can master, crumble as she glides with the divine deportment of an eagle catching a thermal, and marvel at her heart hewn from pure granite.
8. (7) Vanessa. Unfairly chastised for saying very little. Well, we’d like to see how much her denigrators would say if they suffered from the same incurable problem as she does – death. It’s very difficult for young women to cope with being a zombie and we think she does marvellously to prevent the stench of her putrefying flesh getting up the nose of her fellow housemates whilst also ensuring any part of her that drops off does so out of sight of the other housemates.
9. (4) AnTHony. Our pocket Geordie is so cute his agents are probably already cutting a deal with toy manufacturers to produce dolls of him to make him the new Bob the Builder. Ant the Dancer will feature fully moveable limbs and an automatic switch which flicks whenever turgid 70s music is played and the doll will prance around the living room to the delight of the children. Adults needn’t miss out, though; they’ll
have a version that gets very excited all over whenever a woman comes within a metre of him before hurling vile insults at them to mask the doll’s Action Man-esque sexual insecurity.
10. (8) Derek. A true gentleman as he proved by offering a shoulder to cry on this week. We imagine Derek as a noble factory owner touring his establishment daily while meeting his workforce with a friendly quip and a comforting wink, and his kindness would even extend to those mothers who tearfully bring him the dismembered limbs of their children that have been torn off by the unsafe machinery.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday
It’s farewell to:
Roberto: We thought he was a potential winner and the salami-wielding Italian should have been. His post-eviction interview showed he’s got more personality than the rest of the housemates put together – leaving Davina tongue-tied on a night when her presentation skills descended to a new low.
And we’re left with…
1. (2) Craig: The one housemate who has truly blossomed. His audition video was horrendous and he spent the first few weeks in the house as a highly-strung wimp. But he’s now standing up for himself, making amusing bitchy remarks and bonding with the other housemates. He’s even looking better now that mullet is growing out a little and he could now hang around for a long time.
2. (3) Kemal: We still love his shrieking humour and divaish behaviour, but he’s finding it hard to remain the star of the show.
3. (1) Science: We suspected he had hidden depths but they remain well hidden beneath his crap rap lyrics, angry outbursts and self-pitying sulks. Maybe we’ll learn to like him again, but not this week.
4. (7) AnTHony: The plastic boy may well emerge as the next Vernon Kay, which is probably what he wants, but he’s not much fun to watch.
5. (5) Makosi: Succeeded in proving that AnTHony is all mouth, no trousers but is still too smug, manipulative and bossy to be truly likeable.
6. (9) Maxwell: Did well with the workhouse task, even though his singing made Sam’s shrieking seem beautiful. Remains a walking bunch of catchphrases and blubber, but we admire his cider heist and we do love seeing him flirting fruitlessly with conniving Saskia.
7 (6) Vanessa: When is this girl going to make an impact?
8. (8) Derek: Survived again making his bid to walk before he was pushed even more pathetic. He does amuse us occasionally, but with his smugness, arrogance, snobbery and self-aggrandizement, he remains the housemate we’d most like to see fall down the steps when he is thrown out (which won’t be long).
9. (10) Saskia: She’s shallow and she’s using Maxwell. Eff off! End of!
Kinga Name coincidentally rhymes with minger.
Eugene Remember Colin Hunt from The Fast Show?
Orlaith Now here’s a housemate we might just love. Sexy and intelligent and almost normal.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday
As Doctor Who has recently appeared on Big Brother, it’s only fair that we speculate what monsters the housemates could play in the sci-fi drama.
It’s farewell to:
Lesley: Like a Dalek she is round, bumpy and vile. Like a Dalek, she was on a mission of vindictive destruction. Like a Dalek, she was once human but any goodness has long been burned out of her. Unlike a Dalek, she won’t be on TV in 40 years’ time.
Sam: Her heartless insensitivity resembles a Cyberman, as she smiles at other housemates’ misfortune or sings in her cold mechanical voice. Also, she is so cheap
she probably even shares their lethal aversion to gold.
And we’re left with…
1. (Last time: 1) Science: With delusions of greatness and the self-appointed boastful name, Science is the Doctor’s deadliest foe the Master. Science’s inclination to speak of himself at all times and avail to assume control of the house alludes to the Master’s ever failing plans to rule the universe. And they both share a trait of crippling incompetence but while Science can’t captain an imaginary ship, the Master almost caused the collapse of the cosmos through a simple mathematical error.
2. (5) Craig: Having established a barely physical presence in the house, and is seemingly satisfied to blow softly about the house and infect others with his fetid opinions, it’s only apposite that Craig is the Green Death. This plague, that caused death and terror in a Welsh mining community, was spread by unrealistic looking flies that were spawned from pathetically squirming giant maggots, one of whom was probably called Craig.
3. (3) Kemal: Having done little other than run around shrieking and annoying anyone watching, Kemal is Mel the Doctor’s former assistant who was masterfully played against type by Bonnie Langford.
4. (6) Roberto: The Italian hewn from the geometric rocks of hypocrisy would be a Sea Devil, the Silurians’ aquatic partners-in-crime. Speaking in a scarcely intelligible gargle, his forever bewildered expression makes him seem also to have been raised from a deep hibernation by the barbaric antics of others.
5. (2) Makosi: Her lust for cherryade, and her puerile tantrums when her requests are refused, cast her in the guise of an Ogri – aliens which resemble a Stonehenge obelisk who share Makosi’s craving for a type of red liquid, only in their case, it is blood.
6. (4) Vanessa: K9, for the irritating voice.
7. (10) AnTHony: Big Brother’s very own plastic man could only be the Autons, Chris Eccelston’s first foes in the new series. With a body sculpted at a Northumberland factory from a cast originally earmarked for the window at Debenhams, this clever facsimile of a person mindlessly lumbers about trying to get noticed.
8. (12) Derek: The aloof Tory most resembles a Silurian, a race of indolent humanoid irascible reptiles who inhabited the Earth before the evolution of mankind. And when they eventually awoke from their slumber they were as grumpy as Derek is at being woken up; they also share a horror at the abuse of natural resources such as food within their environments and conspire malevolently with their like-minded kin to
despoil the paradise of others.
9. (9) Maxwell: The housemate with no distinguishing features to separate him from the herd is obviously a Sontaron – a clone race who stampede across galaxies with belligerence and no sense of individuality in the same way as hordes of Maxwell clones stampede through pubs on Saturday night spreading mindless yobbery and conformity as they go. What’s more, Maxwell will subjugate others in the house by soaking them in water or putting salt in their sugar pot, while the podgy face and soulless eyes also mark Maxwell out as a dead ringer for a Sontaron.
10. (11) Saskia: Her plot to guilelessly stomp around while surrounding herself with weak-minded minions has her clearly marked out as a Slitheen. She even mimics the aliens’ flatulence, although her noxious gassy emissions emerge from her mouth and beguile the dumb Maxwell and AnTHony with their toxic fumes.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday
So it’s goodbye to Mary…
Just as when Lucifer was cast out of Heaven to extinguish the last vestiges of evil, so Mary’s expulsion damns Big Brother to a homogenous morass of complacent conformity. Goodbye to the hexing eyes and farewell to some perceptive aphorisms on Derek the Pathetic.
And we’re left with…
1. (10) Science. Finds himself top of the definitive BB hit parade almost by default, or the public evicting Mary to give it a proper name.
2. (7) Makosi. Completed her mission to achieve the most votes, which was no mean feat amid all those hateful housemates. Has formed a close bond with Kemal in the same way Hepatitis A and Jaundice are joined at the hip.
3. (4) Kemal. After the failure of his contortionist act to fit himself inside a dustbin to have a bath, he should concentrate on squeezing his emaciated frame down the toilet, which he’ll probably parachute into from Maskosi’s arse.
4. (11) Vanessa. You can search all around Vanessa, behind her, on top of her, in her hair and you won’t find a sign of life and you know why? Because she doesn’t exist. She’s the little pixie at the foot of the garden alive only in the minds of little children or the incredibly stupid. Still, she’s the fourth most likeable housemate.
5. (8) Craig. The man whose mouth moves so elliptically and epileptically it seems entrapped in orbit around a moody black hole. He survived so we can look forward to the sight of him spilling flabbily into a corner and weeping about his loveless life.
6. (3) Roberto. A man cut from blue ice by a careless, blind sculptor, he tries to comfort those in the house who are feeling lonely only to drip sadistically over them like Japanese water torture.
7. (9) Lesley. As the tragic cost of exposing workers to asbestos continues to rise, in 30 years’ time there will be a similarly lethal outbreak among those forced to watch this lump of unpalatable crabmeat.
8. (13) Maxwell. The centre of a big debate here at thecustard.tv. Is he the sort of human rubble rarely sighted outside the thuggery of city centre nightclubs? Or is he a nice guy trapped by his Apples’n’Pears, knees up Muvva Brown upbringing?
9. (12) AnTHony. The jaunty Geordie dancer is the human desert of the house, and being of little interest and unable to support life growing near him he tries to cover the skeletal human remains with his choking sands of banality.
10. (5) Saskia. A beer bottle at the edge of the dance floor half-filled with urine by a lazy punter upon which a rat is tap dancing ostentatiously on a floating box of matches while curious slugs applaud from the neck.
11. (6) Sam. Needs to order some new smiles from the Cheesy Grin Warehouse as her current crop are showing such wear and tear and are beginning to look as though they’ve been left out in acid rain. Failure to bring in reinforcements will cause her teeth to behave like blind chicks in the nest and blindly snatch at morsels of fame before slipping into a bikini and becoming new members of the BB house.
12. (1) Derek. His gushing tears are like those brave soldiers sent over the top during World War One to satisfy the unfeeling vanity and selfish preening of megalomaniacal generals detached from modern life and mores by a distance wider than the oceans.
(Figures in brackets are last week’s position on our Housemate Hit Parade)
The genetic make-up of the Big Brother housemates
Derek (30 per cent: butler down on his luck and having to work for the Rooneys; 10 per cent: Kim; 10 per cent: Aggie; 10 per cent: Chris Eubank; 10 per cent: Michael Howard; 10 per cent: Frankie Howerd; 10 per cent: Noel Coward; 10 per cent: bloodthirsty foxkilling bastard)
Lesley (30 per cent: Suranne Jones from Corrie; 30 per cent: fat slag; 30 per cent: Vicky Pollard; 10 per cent: silicon implant)
Kemal (20 per cent: bad hair day; 20 per cent: Gloria from it Ain’t Half Hot Mum; 20 per cent: Shirley Bassey; 10 per cent: Turkish Delight; 20 per cent: male; 10 per cent: female)
Mary (20 per cent: Sabrina the Teenage Witch; 10 per cent: Sharon Osbourne; 10 per cent: Derek Acorah; 10 per cent: Lia from no Angels; 10 per cent: eye of newt; 10 per cent: wing of bat; 10 per cent: bubbling cauldron; 10 per cent: fruitcake; 5 per cent: gnome-loving freak; 5 per cent: Ruslana from Eurovision)
AnTHony (20 per cent: Ant; 20 per cent: Dec; 20 per cent: squashed pixie; 20 per cent: 70s dancer – a career to be proud of; 20 per cent: goatee)
Science (30 per cent: Ali G; 20 per cent: Noah from Footballers’ Wives; 10 per cent: Tim Westwood; 10 per cent: Benny from Crossroads; 10 per cent: Snoop Doggy Dogg; 10 per cent: baseball cap; 5 per cent: fish fingers; 5 per cent: salad cream)
Craig (60 per cent: Shirley Ghostman; 20 per cent: only gay in the village; 20 per cent: Matalan clothing)
Saskia (30 per cent: Catherine Tate’s not bovvered teenager; 30 per cent: Michelle Bass; 47 per cent: breastmeat; 3 per cent: nuggets)
Samantha (30 per cent: Abi Titmuss; 30 per cent: Rebecca Loos; 30 per cent: anonymous page three model; 25 per cent: shop window mannequin)
Maxwell (30 per cent: guy who sells dodgy stereos down the boozer; 20 per cent: Al Murray; 20 per cent: Dictionary of Tiresome catchphrases; 20 per cent: Red Bull; 10 per cent: flab)
Vanessa (40 per cent: air hostess; 20 per cent: Narinder; 30 per cent: Louise from Two Pints Of Lager and a Packet Of Crisps)
Roberto (20 per cent: horse; 20 per cent: porn star; 20 per cent: tagliatelli; 20 per cent: grooming product residue; 10 per cent: perfume; 10 per cent: sunglasses)
Makosi (40 per cent: sexploitation actress; 20 per cent: car alarm; 20 per cent: hair; 10 per cent: Tango spillage; nine per cent: poisonous snake; one per cent: clothing)
The housemates hit parade, day one
1 – Mary. Drew catcalls and jeers after she pranced into the house bedecked in her finest witch’s threads. But once stripped of her accessories she recoiled into a little ball of insecurity like a spider playing dead. She also hates mobile phones, which in the week where a ringtone will hit Number One, makes her our holy saviour.
2 – Derek. It perhaps says more about the debilitating bacterium of humanity of the rest of the house that our second favourite housemate is a Tory so blue in his views he makes Margaret Thatcher seem like Trotsky, and who is proud of his pursuit of hunting down foxes with a pack of bloodthirsty hounds for his own pleasure.
3 – Roberto. The Italian played up to his national stereotype (a surprise considering Big Brother has such a stanch aversion to this editorial laziness) through his contagious vanity. Apparently, he was once a finalist in Italy’s Most Handsome Man during the nationwide outbreak of facially disfiguring leprosy in 1996, which he had the good fortune to avoid.
4 – Kemal. Entered the house in a garish sari that was connected to some nebulous symbolism. Has had a big row with Science over authenticity and truth, topics so distant from them both it was like watching primary school children compete with tales of their illusory sexual exploits.
5 – Saskia. Got off to a bad start when she recited the BNP’s mantra of “I’m Not Racist But…” before launching into a hallucinatory rant about how immigrants “all want to kill us”. If they met her and took her as a template of Britons “killing us” would be perfectly understandable response.
6 – Sam. “I’m very intelligent,” she asserted in her audition, before adding: “I’m a fan of Christina Aguilera.” Which is even more shameful than admitting: “I’m the throwaway whore of an obese, sweat-drenched racing pundit.” Since then, she has done little more than parade around in her bikini, sitting sultrily in the “plunge” pool while all the other housemates keep their eyes averted from this plastic parasite who craves attention in the same way Vanessa Feltz craves food (and attention, too, for that matter).
7 – Makosi. Arrived arrived wearing an easyJet napkin. In the same way that ancient civilisations believed the Earth was the centre of the universe and the Sun and all the other heavenly bodies circled respectfully in orbit, so Makosi thinks she is the centre of Big Brother but really she’s nothing more than one of those fleeting meteorites that illuminate the sky for a brief nanosecond before fizzling out to oblivion.
8 – Craig. Perhaps the most empty entity in the universe. When he turns in at night, watch for the black holes, desolate deserts, abandoned shoes and unfilled buckets all gather at the window to enviously gaze upon this exemplar of vacuity.
9 – Lesley. Entered the house wearing a nurse’s uniform but soon showed through her vulgarity that her bedside manner was less appealing than Harold Shipman. “Oh my god, that’s the same fridge I’ve got in my kitchen,” she yelled. “I’m not joking.” 10 – Science “The Great”. Talks to people as though frantically clearing away rubble to reach survivors of a cave-in. Pronounces bourgeoisie as boudoirsie. He was originally one of our favourites until he became riled after Kemal questioned his “street” credentials.
11 – Vanessa. In many ways the most irritating of God’s many inventions since piles.
12 – AnTHony. Outstayed his welcome even before getting into the house. In the same way as millions of schoolboys dream of being a footballer are dashed, so AnTHony’s aspirations to talk in anything but crass, embarrassing sentences appear to have been forever thwarted. His first word was “dudes”, which shouldn’t ever be uttered by anyone either not American or very stupid, or both. He then said to Lesley: “Is that a Wonderbra you’ve got on? Well, it’s doing wonders for me!”
13 – Maxwell. “Geezer” so adherent to the gospel of geezerdom that cut him and he will bleed pie, mash, casual bigotry and betting slips. Catchphrase – “This is off the hook” (like the phone of the agents he’ll be ringing when he gets out)
If the housemates were a form of execution they’d be:
Mary – a burning at the stake where the victim is incinerated in a conflagration of her self-pity.
Derek – a political prisoner being hunted down by a pack of Margaret Thatcher’s flapping bat-like speeches that, when they catch their prey, subject them to a crude, often fatal, lobotomy that converts them to the delights of ignorance and conservative fascism.
Roberto – being painted all over in fake tan to suffocate the skin and then being staked out in the scorching desert to ensure the last few hours are in excruciating agony.
Kemal – a garrote forged from his incredibly spindly legs which would be then used by agents of tyrannical authoritarian states to quietly assassinate political dissidents living in London as they walked along the banks of the Thames.
Saskia – the bullet in the head that continues to rattle annoyingly even when the corpse is being taken to a place of burial.
Sam – shrill screams that would be used to shatter the victim into a million pieces.
Makosi – having the screws that keep the face and stomach in place unfastened so the contents of the head and gut spill out on to the floor.
Craig – the thick wooden plank along which the pirates’ captives must walk along
before being dumped in the sea.
Lesley – being smothered by a pillow stinking of cigarettes, urine, vomit and semen.
Science – being shot during a game of Laser Quest in a middle-class shopping centre where “death” is merely a light being switched-on on your belt, which is appropriate for this oh-so-real “boy from the ’hood”.
Vanessa – the scream of the victim as they are tossed from a very, very high cliff only ceasing when their body hits the very, very hard rocks below.
AnTHony – a firing squad with their rifles fully-loaded with deadly clichés.
Maxwell – an injection into the bloodstream that would lethally poison the victim with car exhaust fumes, greedily collected from the main road between Braintree and East London.