Big Brother, Live Final
The Ant & Dec “Ooh, it’s just too close to call, the bottom three have already swapped places eight times” Award for exploiting widespread public affection to effect a deception in order to extort more money from them:
Davina, who began the show with the sneering arrogance of an insecure insider desperate to put more pounds in the Channel 4 kitty (and of course, “for charity”), and said: “Think it’s a one-horse race? Think again!”
The unconvincing corporate accountant trying to convince everyone that Christina Aguilera really is “Dirrty” and not the puppet on a string of a multi-national record company who hope to convince people in the Third World their dumb cash cow’s latest album is more important than water Award:
Anyone who promoted Aisleyne as a “sassy, ghetto princess”. Thankfully, it now seems to be a persona she herself has rejected but whether this is because she realises how awful she was or did it simply to court popularity will be settled by Sunday morning on how many clothes she has shed for the News of the World.
The Newcastle United really did pay £8m for Jean-Alain Boumsong Award for flushing money away:
E4, for signing Nikki up for her own series just before her popularity plummeted faster than the credibility of Preston (of Preston & Chantelle Inc.).
The Sid Owen Award for if all else fails you can always join the prison service:
Jennie, who could hang devious BB miscreants such as Sezer and Nasty Nick from her enormous earrings until they repent their sins.
The Peter Kay “yeah, Amarillo was funny the first time but now it’s just irritating” Award:
Nikki’s tantrums that saw her storm off and cry for not getting an individual meaningless prize in the BB Awards Ceremony.
Runner-up: Pete for falling down the stairs as he scrambled out of the house. Replicating exactly what he did when entering the house three months ago.
The Joe Cole’s IQ Award for proving the stereotype is rarely the exception to the rule:
Glyn, who really does seem to have emerged from one of those isolated Welsh valleys that were the real-life inspiration for M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village, when he moped: “Why would a superstar like Davina McCall want to talk with me, a lad from Wales?”
The Peter Lorre in M Award for being sinister beyond the call of duty:
Shahbaz. He spoke with Davina with such measured menace that his words dripped from his mouth like saliva from the jaws of the Alien. He then kissed Davina’s pregnant stomach, before echoing her wishes that he “hoped it was a son”. A clearly uncomfortable Davina quickly replied that “a daughter would be fine”. But this was Karma for all those occasions when she has clumsily probed housemates for salacious details.
The Christine Hamilton Award for still hating someone long after anyone has forgotten why they were so reviled in the first place:
Grace, whose fleeting fame and subsequent disappearance from the public’s consciousness should really have meant she was met by quizzical, non-plussed looks rather than jeering.
The Jodie Marsh Award for inspiring universal public disinterest:
The Steve-O “you’re a one-trick pony who have had their five minutes of fame, so can you now sod off” Award:
Jayne, who burped. Again.
The Alan Smith of Manchester United Award for invoking such absolute abhorrence in human beings that it actually becomes rather admirable and endearing:
The Sky News “yesterday 98 Iraqi civilians were killed in a suicide bomb explosion, and now here’s Francis Wilson with the weather” Award for provoking public apathy:
Jennie, who emerged to barely a murmur from the crowd other than the Channel 4 cheerleaders who had been ordered to blindly applaud everyone.
The “Well Ms Scott-Lee, at least it made the top 20” Award for scant consolation:
Davina for demanding Jennie receives a “round of applause for being the last of the housemates-next-door”. But what competition did she have? A man with eyes so mad they would need separate padded cells in Bedlam, a woman with the personal hygiene of 17th century London and Vanilla Ice’s less talented country bumpkin brother.
The Robbie Williams “I think you’ll find this is all about me” Award for superciliousness:
Aisleyne, who when Nikki was placed fifth, went into spasms of selfish shock before repeating, “I just don’t understand.”
The George Orwell “At the end of this corridor is Room 101, you know what lies inside” Memorial Award for an expression of utter terror:
Nikki, who was booed on her exit.
The Stan Collymore Award for astonishing self-ignorance:
Richard, who churned out the old cliché, “I speak my mind and I speak it freely”, while utterly oblivious that people who “speak their minds” are idiots who are always wrong who offend others with their obstinate idiocy.
The Timothy Leary Hallucinogenic Award for “and by the third tab of LSD I was seeing an elephant with the hide the colours of a chessboard coquettishly inviting the Battle of Hastings back to his mudhole for a threesome with the May Bank Holiday”:
Glyn who claimed Lea “is the most attractive woman I’ve ever met”.
The Gary Lineker on They Think It’s All Over Award for trying too hard to be naughty by swearing:
Davina who used the word “bollocks” on the intro to part two.
The Lord of the Flies on Fast Forward Award for regression from human to beast:
Pete becoming over-excited after he was announced as the winner and wrecking the BB house in a frenzy of joyous animalistic delight.
The Matthew Pinsent collapsing into floods of tears at the Olympics Award for “It’s OK, we like and understand you enough to share in your happiness and good fortune.”
Poor Pete, whose Tourettes got the better of him meaning he could barely string a sentence together when Davina interviewed him. Or it may have been the banality of Davina’s questions.
The Adolf Hitler Award for demented and delusional ranting:
Paul Morley on BB’s Big Mouth, who had clearly ingested more alcohol than was good for one of the nation’s best cultural commentators, as he launched into a hysterical eulogy to Aisleyne that concluded with him calling her “a feminist icon”. It even left Russell Brand shocked.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday 11 August 2006
1. Glyn. The Winston Smith of this Big Brother. He began as an innocent with only mild, unformed dreams of subversion. But after briefly being corrupted by Sezer’s gang, he has been cowed into meek submission apart from that rare spasm of independence when he climbed on to the roof of the house. However, far more telling was his absolute terror when summoned to the Diary Room to receive his punishment from Big Brother. He was not allowed to choose which housemate to readmit into the house (but this was convenient anyhow as it meant he couldn’t object to Niki’s pre-ordained return). If, in the next few days, he is told to go back to the Diary Room and has a bullet put through the back of his neck don’t be surprised.
2. Pete. Hasn’t said much in the past couple of days as his tongue has been on a perilous mission exploring the deeper reaches of Niki’s throat.
3. ‘Dickie’. Survived the eviction vote yet again, but again lived to patronise another day because he was up against the most unpopular person in the house, or wasn’t tethered like a goat to Pete.
4. Jennie. Barely memorable, like a driver you let into your lane in a traffic jam; acknowledged with a wave and then forgotten.
5. Aisleyne. More a crop circle outline than a person, who is also so completely devoid of character that a bunch of scurvy-ridden pirates could bury their ill-gotten booty in the empty wastes of her charisma rest assured that it would never be discovered; while words drop from her mouth like bodies being tipped into a well.
And we got back:
Nikki. The whole ruse of putting someone back into the house was designed just for her (the ‘votes’ were a deception; it was all for new E4 star Nikki’s gain). And by the way Channel 4, that this farce raised “money for charity” is no longer an excuse. “For charity” is always the explanation for appalling, amoral lo-com-denom TV used by rich people, such as TV executives and stars, to extort money from those poorer than themselves while pandering to the cheapest TV imaginable this side of Bravo (but not the Buck Rogers reruns as we enjoy regressing to our infant selves to slaver over Commander Wilma Dearing).
And we lost:
Imogen. She was selected purely to be the overwhelmingly disappointing prizes you get at travelling fairs that glitter prettily until you get your mitts on them and they are quickly revealed to cheap imitations. Of course, everyone knew she was being evicted thanks to the bookmakers who, along with the over-zealous efforts of the BB team to be “evil” have pretty much ruined this series, as each Friday comes along and no matter how many times Davina uses Pinteresque pauses you know that it’ll be the person who Teletext has quoted as being “1/40 to go”.
Mikey. If apples were the size of Mikey’s brain then gravity would never be strong enough to compel them to fall from the tree, thus robbing the world of the genius of Isaac Newton.
Grace. Last Tuesday, in ancient Cairns in the Scottish highlands, daggers used to sacrifice innocent babies stirred; deep in old forests in South Wales, stilettos used by witch hunters to slit the throats of virgins cocked one eye open; in detached double-garaged homes across the Home Counties, kitchen knives used to stab unfaithful husbands rattled excitedly in the drawer; and blades collected in some half-witted knife amnesty snarled frenziedly in their metal boxes. And why the euphoria? The Goddess of Backstabbing had risen from the grave of obscurity and was free once more to plunge knives into the backs of her fellow housemates. Sadly, the resurrection was brief and other than a photo-shoot with Nuts this deity will soon be permanently silenced.
Lea. Smoked a bit more.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday 21 July 2006
The Big Brother Chart
1. Michael. Rasputin reborn, or the genuine incarnation of Marc Wootton’s My New Best Friend. His mad-eyed zealotry, combined with his student’s conceit would mean that if he were to be ground up into human slurry, his essence could be sprayed in working class areas of Britain to reignite the enduring enmity between townies and students. His eyes gleam and fix themselves into rival housemates like the pick axe embedded in Trotsky’s skull.
2. Glyn. When he speaks, his words sometimes waver like an inexperienced mountaineer too scared to either keep going up the precipitous cliff face or retreat back down the slope. While emotions pass across his face like a curtain being drawn around a distressed hospital patient.
3. Jennie. Could use her outsize earrings to lasso Richard’s ego.
4. Richard. Still manages to be as controlling and manipulative through his pseudo-friendly fascism. “I can’t see why we can’t get on,” he patronised to Michael. “The issue is within you.”
5. Pete. Begin the coronation now, he’s won. It’s now getting to the point where you can even predict some of his ticks (he’ll laugh nervously after anything that sounds like him being critical, and coughs roughly when he expresses any intimate sentiment).
6. Imogen. Does and says so little that she’s not in this chart as a housemate but instead as a plastic partition to divide the top half and the bottom half.
7. Susie. When she smiles, the insincerity of her curled lips and cheekbones thieved from the skeletal remains of dead models makes it seem as though it has landed there like a resting fly. “Survival tactics, that’s why I hoard food,” she claims, but this is needless given that her breasts are so grotesquely misshapen that they are instead transplanted camel humps affixed to ensure she has sustenance and can subsist in harsher environments than the Big Brother house and even allow her to act as an impromptu black marketer.
8. Spiral. The Irish rapper speaks like an impotent bomb slowly counting down towards its detonation.
9. Aisleyne. Has enough spiteful hypocrisy to fuel two London Fashion Weeks.
10. Mikey. A man so devoid of anything and so empty he could be employed by black holes to clean out their most difficult-to-reach ear wax.
And we’ve lost:
Jayne. She didn’t so much speak as ejaculate words from her throat with the callous violence of Canadians clubbing seals to death on bloodied ice floes.
Nikki: The most stupid eviction ever. She has been the most watchable contestant this year and the idiots who voted her out should be ashamed.
The Big Brother Chart
1. Pete. We know he’s going to win, they know he’s going to win and even he knows he’s going to win. Initially, Pete was popular as people were afraid to criticise him because of his Tourettes, but he has actually emerged as a decent human being.
2. Nikki. A ghastly emaciated mannequin who spits venomous barbs at all and sundry and has no idea how utterly amusing she is.
3. Glyn. Could be held up as a scientific experiment of the corruption of an individual by those around him. Arrived in the house as a charming blank slate, but has since been scrawled on by others who have made him short-tempered and nasty.
4. Richard. ‘Dickie’ doesn’t so much speak to people as lecture them. It’s never “would you like to talk about it” but always “me and you will have a little chat later”.
5. Imogen. Could have been painted on a wall and had as much impact.
6. Lea. Has developed an animalistic attachment to Pete in the same way as pets foster an emotional fixation with their chew toy.
7. Susie. The biggest surprise now is that she entered the house in one piece. That is to say that it’s a shock she didn’t arrive separately, her smile from a Kate Thornton’s face, her dignity from Chris Evans’ parlour, her yearning for fame from Fran Cosgrave’s loins, and her vindictiveness from Vanessa Feltz’s voluminous wardrobe of self-delusion.
8. Mikey. Dipped in bleach to drain him of everything other than his capacity to reproduce.
9. Asinine. Was recently “freaked out” because she read the last chapter of the Bible that portended that the end of days would come when “people were just like they are today”. That’s right; our BB philosopher has decreed that it’s only since the advent of global capitalism that humans have exhibited greed, intolerance and selfishness.
And we’ve lost:
Sam: Utterly useless unless you happen to be an out of work ghost who refuses to take the tainted cash on offer for giving credibility to Most Haunted and needs inspiration in how to really scare people with a melodramatic manner and ability to mingle with the living but leave no physical trace.
Grace: Seemed only to have been kept in the house in much the same way as potentially rabid felines are kept in quarantine to ensure they can’t infect the rest of the country with their vicious traits. Back stabbed people like the Luftwaffe bombed Coventry. But thanks to the stupidity of the producers who failed to blot out the spiteful schoolgirl chanting when Susie was admitted to the house, she was already aware how much she was loathed and so her trail from nomination by Susie (who knew how loathed she was) to her eviction was a curiously bloodless affair as everyone knew the result. Even the jeering on her exit seemed forced and artificial.
Lisa: In much the same way as the health of Londoners improved with the resolve to eradicate the choking pea soup, so Lisa’s demise has cleansed the rest of the housemates of the stench of cigarettes, annoying colloquial bitching and a moronic, directionless, demonic wrath.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday 26 May 2006
The Big Brother Chart
1. Pete. We’re loving the new haircut. We loved his exuberance after Lea survived. He’s a star.
2 Nikki: We don’t want her to win. Heaven forbid! But she must stay to the end because she’s the most entertaining housemate with her constant moaning and ego-centric whining. She’s 24; looks 44; acts four. Brilliant.
3 Lea: She instils a rootless sense of guilt in viewers with her constant self-pity, but at least she’s now “been accepted into society” by avoiding eviction.
4 Glyn: His eyes have that dead, vacant gaze like stagnant ponds in which teenagers have dumped a number of rusty shopping trolleys. But we are loving the way he dances and we’ll be interested to see how he copes in his pivotal role, stuck between the “breeders” and the “deviants”.
5 Sam: She seems to have slipped into Dale Winton’s home at night and made off with his perma-grin and his tan.
6 Richard: Lost points for keeping that stupid hat on his stupid head and for sobbing when attacked by Sezer; but he gained points by fussing around his defeated enemy which only made Sezer feel sicker about his demise,
7 Imogen: Essentially harmless but won’t ever be a possible winner.
8 Lisa: A part of society in much the same way as a feeding tube becomes an auxiliary organ for the seriously ill.
9 Aisleyne: Incredibly plain; incredibly dull; incredibly pointless unless she really makes a play for Mikey to render jealous Grace incandescent with spoilt brat rage.
10 Mikey: Men! Roll up! Roll up! Be the first to purchase Profane Punctuation, the very first language system that enables you to automatically replace your dull, cumbersome, jittery conversation which is tainted by unwanted “ums”, “ahs”, commas and stutters with a new kind of grammar. Developed by Professor Mikey Mikey, of the Vernon Kay University of Non-Entities, each time you stumble over words, become nervous in the presence of a beautiful woman or are simply lost for words Profane Punctuation will routinely replace each of your verbal fumbles with a “f**k”, “f**king” or “f**ker”. Never again will you turn red because of your inarticulacy. Profane Punctuation is not available in the shops.
11 Grace: The female version of Sezer. Arrogant, self-centred and utterly horrible about other people (apart from her “normal” friends). We loved it when Mikey started cavorting with Aisleyne when he should have been helping his clingy “girlfriend” to find her “f**king earring.”
And we lost:
It was a pleasure and an honour to witness the greatest televised humiliation of all time when Sezer The Can’t-Pleaser was evicted by a nation unimpressed by his red, red blood and his dead, dead head.
Even if John Prescott had been caught playing croquet naked with the mallet jammed up his ample arse, he wouldn’t have been as embarrassed as Sezer was.
Even if England lose 6-0 to Paraguay on Saturday, they won’t be as embarrassed as Sezer was.
Even if Davina’s McCall’s chat show was watched by her mother and no-one else, she wouldn’t be as embarrassed as Sezer was.
In his interview with Davina, the professional parasite quickly thumbed through the Stan Collymore Book of Trite Excuses when pressed on why he was so vulgar. “I’m a lad!” he exclaimed with the same fervour to cravenly abdicate personal responsibility for his actions in the same way the MD of an arms firm claims he only signed an order to sell machine guns to a raging despot to keep his agitated shareholders content.
And waiting for Davina to tell Sezer The Loser that 91.6 per cent of voters had voted against him was like building up to an orgasm. Delicious.
George: Yes, he left, too – an event as earth-shattering as the sun rising in the morning.
Big Brother, Channel 4, Friday 26 May 2006
The Big Brother Chart, brought to you this week in association Primal Scream Inc. ‘Why Think When You Can Scream?’
1. Lea. Despite being the nearest thing on Earth to a child-safety plastic version of a Cyberman, Lea seems to have the most compassion of any of the housemates.
2. Pete. Proving he’s so much more than a stereotype.
3. George. Despite his vastly privileged background that allows him to execute vagrants, he is rapidly becoming the Everyman of the piece. Either looks sullen or retires to his bed to weep at his incarceration in the freak show.
4. Glyn. Lightning bolts loosed in the middle of the Pacific will spend more time in the celebrity spotlight than Glyn, but the bolts may gaze at his spindly frame and think “Ooh, I could do with losing a few pounds”. Speaks as though he’s awkwardly dragging each word to a grave.
5. Richard. A man who always finds some excuse to senselessly clap and applaud. It’s also inevitable that one of the two replacement housemates will be gay, largely because Big Brother wants to exploit the tiresome and astonishingly poor observation by every ‘fan’ that Richard enjoys “being the only gay in the village”.
6. Imogen. Just a pretty face. If they ever develop personality transplants, Imogen could easily store a personality in her vacant soul if it needs to be taken long distances.
7. Nikki. Came out with one of the most improbable sentences of the week when she claimed to have had “a deep and meaningful” with George.
8. Grace. So ineffectual sunlight can actually pass straight through her.
9. Sezer. Will be retired to stud the moment he is evicted. Has the kind of snarling smile that wolves adopt if they are interrupted whilst feasting on elk.
10. Lisa. Voice yapping like a spluttering engine, while her right arm is raised with ever-present cigarette fuming away.
11. Mikey. Could only make a contribution to the evolution of the human race if he went back in time 50 million years and became fossilised in the walls of a cave, and then about 100,000 years ago become the canvas upon which was scrawled mankind’s first rudimentary efforts at pictorial communication.
And we lost:
Bonnie:Farwell to the woman whose sentences exited her mouth with the blunt bluster of a raging rhinoceros, until, after a few words, it is shot dead by an aristocratic hunter only to continue onwards with a lifeless momentum for a few more syllables before grinding to a halt. She was also part of perhaps the most predictable eviction in Big Brother history, not helped by Davina pleading with the crowd about an hour before the verdict was announced, “You won’t boo her when she comes out, will you?”
Shahbaz: Proved to be even too mentally ill for the BB house. The psychologists who allowed him to enter the house should be struck off.
Dawn: Chucked out for communicating with her sister. No great loss. Will be remembered as the smelliest BB housemate of all time.
The Big Brother 2006 Gallery of Grotesques
The 14 housemates can be divided up into two distinct groups.
The “deviants” – They have been selected purely for their ability to entertain, inadvertently or otherwise. Each of them may as well have been sterilised as their purpose is to show what an “eclectic” range of personalities the Big Brother team have chosen this year.
Richard: Would be classed with the “breeders” if he was heterosexual or the tabloid media could sell newspapers through gay sex.
Will finish: 5th.
Ingredients – 50% Richard Fairbrass from erstwhile hitmakers Right Said Fred; 39% self-styled sex terrorist (does that mean he’s a rapist, we wonder?) 15% skincare product residue; 5% Ricardo from The Salon; 1% amyl nitrate fumes
Lea: Appears to have been made in a factory from Jordan’s offcuts, but actually seems quite reasonable.
Will finish: 14th, but deserves better.
Ingredients – 40% Lady Cassandra from Doctor Who; 25% mutton dressed as lamb; 10% Pamela Anderson; 10% boobs; 10% boos; 5% peroxide
Shahbaz: When he hugs people, he hangs on to them for a split second (sometimes a minute or two) too long, and in that moment, affection becomes obsession. He also has hands so large he could strangle the life from skyscrapers.
Will finish: 13th, it would have been last if he wasn’t immune this week.
Ingredients – 20% Jack from Will & Grace; 20% The Joker from the original Batman series; 20% Graham Norton’s Father Noel Furlong from Father Ted; 15% ex-BB housemate Kamal; 5% Ricardo from The Salon; 5% tartan; 0% “the 21st-century Quentin Crisp”; 5% the 21st-century Toffee Crisp; 5% rubber gloves; 5% ex-BB housemate Craig
Dawn: Claims to have no friends but is an evident fraud as shown by her desperately inept personal philosophy when she claimed that “Gandhi, Mother Theresa and Bob Geldof” were the only good people in history; thoughts which obviously came to her on the train down, and poor thoughts at that as, for all his good work, Bob Geldof can be a right tosser.
Will finish: 8th.
Ingredients – 30% exercise scientist (what the f**k is that?); 25% misery; 20% Dawn Of The Dead; 10% misanthropy; 10% bag lady; 5% wig
Lisa: Has a voice like an incoherent scream trying to find its way out of a maze.
Will finish: 4th.
Ingredients – 35% “Not As Wacky As She Thinks She Is” award winner of the week; 30% Manc; 5% Scouser; 15% Imelda Marcos; 15% saveloy grease
Pete: Ah yes, Pete. Is he being exploited? While Channel 4 will disgorge the usual rubbish about Pete educating the nation about Tourette’s sufferers, no doubt placing a “If you’ve been affected by the issues raised in tonight’s Big Brother and would like to know more about Tourette’s then call this number or log on to…” after a particularly stressful episode for Pete to alleviate their guilt just like soaps do when they’ve used a similarly cheap ruse to increase viewers. But on the other hand Pete has a neurological condition, and he is not a moron. He would know that he will be exploited, and should be able to make his own decision without having to bear the responsibility for the public perception of Tourette’s sufferers, which, in a way, is far more patronising than anything Big Brother could do to him.
Will finish: 1st, because a guilt-ridden audience will want to feel good about themselves and he seems like a nice bloke.
Ingredients – 20% poster f**king boy for Tourette’s; 20% one of Dick Dastardly’s henchmen; 15% Jonny Lee Miller; 10% Joe Absolom; 10% Lee Evans; 10% Michael Barrymore; 10% Jack Douglas; 5% ex-BB housemate Bubble
The “breeders” – Generally younger, and much prettier, than the “deviants”, the “breeders” will be the tabloid/gossip magazine lifeblood upon which Big Brother amorally thrives. Their only purpose in the house is to have sex with one another, and that’s good old-fashioned heterosexual sex mind you, none of that mucky “gay” business which repulses the fevered homophobic tabloids. Their personalities don’t matter, which is fortunate as most of them scraped together their sparse charisma like a tramp collects together his last few breadcrumbs for his last meal before throwing himself in the canal in order to distinguish themselves from the herd with a set of fabricated, reactionary, fascistic viewpoints. At least two of them will be known by their first name alone by the end of August.
Bonnie: An antique, broken air-raid siren trapped in the body of a young woman. Words try to escape from her mouth like ramblers who have stumbled into some quicksand frantically try to extricate themselves from the mire.
Will finish: 12th.
Ingredients – 40% Chav; 40% shelf stacker; 10% Bonnerrrr; 5% ex-BB housemate Saskia; 5% ex-BB housemate Scary Mary
George: Has protruding lips that look well-used to spitting derisive orders to the underclasses.
Will finish: 3rd.
Ingredients – 30% Etonian dorm fave; 30% swanky trousers; 15% aristocrat; 15% aristoprat; 10% lips
Imogen: Possibly very, very stupid. We surmise this as only very, very stupid people reel off their list of qualifications as proof of a supposed intellect. A revealing old photograph of her will appear in a tabloid within a week as an ex-boyfriend sells his story.
Will finish: 2nd.
Ingredients – 35% Fag Hag; 30% Plain Jane; 10% ex-BB housemate Helen Adams; 10% Charlotte Church; 10% Tom Jones’s underarm sweat; 5% leek
Mikey: The hideous offspring if Vernon Kay ever mated with a wet fart. Has a mind like a remote rural train station where the stationmaster’s corpse has lain undiscovered for three weeks.
Will finish: 9th.
Ingredients – 30% Vernon Kay; 20% wet fart; 15% misogynist; 15% IT nerd; 10% self delusion; 10% toothpaste
Glyn: Has the sort of anonymous, featureless, blank face that’s thrown over lifeless accident victims to give them some dignity in death. Also his eyes seem to move independently in their sockets as if they’re about to wander off in separate directions to get more out of life.
Will finish: 11th.
Ingredients – 80% skin and bones; 10% David Hasselhoff; 10% David Gethimoff
Grace: Twenty but looks forty. Has such a shiny face she could dazzle oncoming traffic.
Will finish: 6th.
Ingredients – 35% Tara P-T; 25% chubby cheeks; 20% Jodie Marsh; 20% Atomic Kitten
Sezer: Provides a reminder as to why firing squads were once such an integral and necessary element of society. The top row of his teeth hangs solemnly from his gums like sleeping albino bats.
Will finish: 7th.
Ingredients – 30% capitalist; 30% flasher; 30% the sort of guy who sings for Cyprus in the Eurovision Song Contest; 10% hair shavings (mainly pubic)
Nikki: Has empty eyes like villages ravaged by a deadly plague as no life will ever stagger from them, while her lower jaw waggles when she talks like a dog shaking itself dry.
Will finish: 10th.
Ingredients – 30% Shannon from Footballers’ Wives; 10% bubblegum; 5% Jade Goody 5% Chantelle; 5% Vikki Pollard; 45% future Stringfellows “hostess”