The seven teens in order of awfulness
1 – Alex. Binge drinker, whinge thinker. “I don’t think there’s any point going out drinking if you’re not gonna get hammered.” She suffered more than anyone in Camp Turnabout but Hardman Wayne seems to be relishing the challenge of breaking her down. “I cannot wait to go f**king home,” she said. “All the people are f**king inbreds, f**king complete f**king weirdos. I f**king hate it, I f**king hate it.” The no swearing rule may be the one she finds hardest to keep, we suspect.
2 – Jenny. The posh purple-haired monster who craps in flower pots. Would probably be a suitable girlfriend for Prince Harry if only she’d dump her idiot boyfriend. Cried when she was told smoking was illegal until the age of 18 in Utah. Told she was a “disrespectful little pup,” by Hardman Wayne.
3 – Josh. Overpriveleged idiot who would probably be a suitable friend for Prince Harry. Worst moments: screaming at his father: “I said a McChicken Premiere you retard” and when he revealed “some days I think I’m gonna stab my dad,” intercut with footage of his father saying that Josh was capable of anything “except murder.”
4 – Jemma. The third posh brat. Dresses like a whore. Loves shoplifting.
5 – Xanthe. “I don’t purposely hurt my mum but I do enjoy it.” Said she’d rather be shot than stay in Camp Turn-About. Load up the bullets, we say.
6 – Ed. The baby-faced brat who stole from his sister’s cashbox and got thrown out by his parents. Ended up sobbing. Aww.
7 – Joe. Hates government, capitalism and Americans. Yes, he’s definitely the sanest of the bunch
Brat Camp, Channel 4/E4
The seven teens in order of awfulness (in association with Cokehead Cola – A Tantrum Is Just A Sniff Away)
1 – Jenni (last week: 2). The Robert Pires of Brat Camp who will feign injury in order to skive out of activities that require an ounce of physical effort. While cutting logs, she claimed to have broken her arm and collapsed into tears. She would normally expect sympathy from her mother; the fantastic Wayne merely snorted: “Suck it up!” Later, on a punishment walk, she pulled up lame complaining of a blister but laconic Gary’s verdict was: “There’s nothing there.” Also used the idiot teenager’s favourite adjective of “fake” to describe Xanthe. Spoilt brat.
2 – Jemma (last week: 4). The covert assassin of Brat Camp who lurks in the shadows only emerging to make a bitchy remark to the near-rehabilitated Xanthe.
thecustard.tv would like to apologise for previous remarks about Jemma’s shoplifting past. She has been cautioned for shoplifting offences, but no further action was taken, and we gather she is now rehabilitated. We will, in future, only refer to her performance in Brat Camp and leave aside any past misdemeanours.
3 – Joe (last week: 7) Essentially a mouth surrounded by a flaccid, gangling body, constantly threatening to do something outrageous but it always comes to nothing. He also managed to get Gs and Fs in his GCSEs where you are awarded a C grade for coughing on the paper as the random saliva distribution shows signs of animal intellect. Seems naked without a spray can in his hand. Lazy brat.
4 – Ed (last week: 6) The human equivalent of a body of water near a chemical plant that has been contaminated with a potent dose of testosterone and needs to be purified in the calm waters of Randy Camp. Claims his bad behaviour stems from listening to the devil on his shoulder while ignoring the angel perched on the other in order to absolve himself of any responsibility. Psycho brat.
5 – Alex (last week: 1) The big faller in this week’s chart thanks to a resolution to follow the camp rules. Started off badly by weeping at having to dye her blonde hair brown but soon followed Xanthe’s lead in obeying the oppressive laws. Still shows signs of rage after she threatened to “lay sh*t” into Jemma. Sweary brat.
6 – Xanthe (last week: 5) After a stroppy start in which she spent more time in her stone circle than a coven of druids, Xanthe disappointingly became very well behaved. This did, however, create conflict as she and Alex warred against Jemma and Jenni. Weepy brat.
7 – Josh (last week: 3) Along with Xanthe, he won a trip to the barn to experience the paradise of tomato ketchup and mattresses. He has also become alienated from the others by being willing to toe the line. Posh brat.
Brat Camp, Channel 4/E4
The seven teens in order of awfulness
1 – Joe (last week: 3) He knows it’s all bullsh*t and he’s only pretending to be a reformed character, so we like him, but that makes him the most terrible teen of the week. If he was a pop group, he’d be Keane.
2 – Jemma (last week: 2). After engaging in a little bit of bitchiness, she was forced to be tied to arch enemy Alex who, like most people in the world, Jemma looks down upon. “If I met her in England,” she said of Alex, “Id think ‘Who the hell are you?”. If she was a pop star, she’d be Natasha Bedingfield.
3 – Xanthe (last week: 6) Made a prefect but blew it by snooping. Shows no real flair for cleaning floors. Shows no real flair for getting on with her mother. If she was a pop star, she’d be Pete Doherty
4 – Jenni (last week: 1). Wasn’t very nice to horse Streak. Generally unpleasant. If she was a pop group, she’d be Girls Aloud.
5 – Alex (last week: 5) She was forced to be tied up to Jemma – “she’s proper stuck up” – and amazingly resisted the temptation to jump off the nearest cliff. If she was a pop star, she’d be Dido.
6 – Ed (last week: 4) After various tantrums, he was forced to talk about the loss of his father and that was touching. If he was a pop group, he’d be Blazin’ Squad.
7 – Josh (last week: 7) Still behaving himself. Show some spirit, lad. Crap in one of those cowboy’s ten-gallon hats. If he was a pop star, he’d be Ronan Keating.
Brat Camp, Channel 4
This week’s chart sponsored by Life Begins At 21, the campaign to enable parents to legally abort their children up to the age of 20. And we’ve been joined for this penultimate rundown by Nicholas Satan, MD of Hell Inc, who is always on the look out for promising young apprentices that will help spread the firm’s gospel of Hatred And Chaos well into this millennium.
1 – Jenni (last week: 4) Nicholas Satan: “She shows great potential for what’s needed to be a successful employee for Hell Inc, and as a bonus even hates Christmas. Her willingness to engage in a dissolute lifestyle of sex and parental scorn marks her out as one for the future, and hopefully the righteousness of Brat Camp won’t knock the malevolence out of her. I would only be wary of her though, because there are only a few souls with such primal iniquity each millennium and once she’s risen through the ranks she may even try to usurp my authority.” Of the Seven Deadly Sins, Jenni is Lust for her insatiable desire to create disharmony.
2 – Jemma (last week: 2) Nicholas Satan: “Sadly, the camp seems to be aiding her rehabilitation into pallid piety, like many of the Brats. She occupies such a lofty placing in the chart because of her ability to once drive her mother to contemplate suicide and turn her into a monster – both of which are qualities highly admired within Hell Inc; and promotion to an executive role would be only a few centuries of toil away if she can shed her recently discovered selflessness.” Of the Seven Deadly Sins, Jemma is Sloth for her lazy and insensitive attitude towards her parents.
3 – Ed (last week: 6) Nicholas Satan: “Another Brat whose potential is being wasted at the camp. His mother’s determination to isolate him from his friends is cramping his ability to impress me as Ed displays a wonderful natural susceptibility to corruption. I don’t think he’d ever rise to the loftier heights of Hell Inc, but with his irascible anger we’d always find room for him as a simple antagonist.” Of the Seven Deadly Sins, Ed is Anger for his predilection to fly into a rage at the drop of a hat.
4 – Xanthe (last week: 3) Nicholas Satan: “We really thought we’d lost her to the other side after she appeared to be completely reformed and even enjoyed searching for new life in the backside of a cow. But all her most endearing traits re-emerged after she ranted about having to spend her 18th birthday ‘in Utah with a load of dumb horses and stupid, stupid whiny little bitches and stupid blokes who are all ugly’.” Of the Seven Deadly Sins, Xanthe is Envy as she was keenly jealous of those able to spend their 18th birthdays having fun.
5 – Josh (last week: 7) Nicholas Satan: “He is utterly lost to us now, but I can only imagine about what a tremendous addition to Hell Inc he would have made. He had dark fantasies about stabbing his father and was taking cocaine and ecstasy at the age of 13; even I didn’t indulge with such amorality at such a young age. But all my hopes for him are now dust as he emotionally made up with his wet father (‘I love you,
Josh’’’I love you,dad.’).” Of the Seven Deadly Sins, Josh would once have been Gluttony for his endless capacity to ingest illegal drugs into his system.
6 – Alex (last week: 5) Nicholas Satan: “We saw virtually nothing of this tearaway this episode, and I’m not going to fly halfway around the world, like I had to before the invention of reality TV, to seek out apprentices when her peers show so much greater
promise.” Of the Seven Deadly Sins, Alex would have once been Pride as she seemed to relish being drunk.
7 – Joe (last week: 1) Nicholas Satan: “I just can’t make up my mind about this rascal; last week he showed admirable duplicity to fool the camp into believing he was genuinely rehabilitated and this week all we observe of him is ordering the less well-behaved Brats around.” Of the Seven Deadly Sins, Joe is Avarice as he is greedy to accept the rewards on offer for good manners.
Brat Camp, Channel 4
The Top 7 chart brought to you this week by the Teen Trauma Circus, a vaudevillian troupe that travels the country to offer cautionary tales through the medium of spectacular shows to badly behaved teenagers, and who have also offered jobs to all of the Brats. This week’s chart is lucky enough to be able to use the official documents responding to submissions by each Brat to be readmitted to the human race.
1 – Jemma (last week: 2) Jemma’s report: “Little evidence she can offer much in the way of altruism and her refusal to adhere to her parents’ decision for her to move to Singapore, and subsequent readmission to Camp Turn About means we have little option in the matter. Also used the phrase ‘at the end of the day’, which suggests she has been accessing the prohibited, polluting vernacular of Ms Geri Halliwell – AKA
inhumanity incarnate.” Application: Rejected. In the Teen Trauma Circus, Jemma is the feral caged beast too vicious and capricious to be trained to perform simple tricks.
2 – Ed (last week: 3) Ed’s report: “The insincerity when he made his pledge to ‘commit to being an excellent son’ was so apparent it was little surprise that he was soon back smoking illegal narcotics.” Application: Rejected. In the Teen Trauma Circus, Ed
is the Moody Teen Hall of Mirrors which casts a reflection in ascending order of evil expression from the deceptively angelic to drug induced fury.
3 – Joe (last week: 7) Joe’s report: “Despite his rebellion in the desert when he set fire to his tent, this young man has made significant progress since he was allowed to walk the streets again and even has a job in the local supermarket. But a black mark against him is familiarity with the word ‘insania’; a term coined by the arch-peddler of inhuman entertainment Mr Peter Andre.” Application: Pending. In the Teen Trauma Circus, Joe is the red-haired clown who performs comical acts of self-destruction.
4 – Jenni (last week: 1) Jenni’s report: “Even though still argumentative, her improvement from the point where we believed liquidation was the only solution has been impressive. Has committed to ‘respecting her parents and being honest’, but her abhorrent behaviour of previous weeks’ cannot be forgotten just yet.” Application: Pending. In the Teen Trauma Circus, Jenni is the acrobat leaping between the dismembered loving arms of her parents, that shorten in length should she sulk causing her to miss their adoring hands and plummet to the floor.
5 – Xanthe (last week: 4) Xanthe’s report: “We are prepared to overlook the aberration where she got drunk at her parents’ party in her new home in the north of France, as we have been gladdened by her responsible attitude and formal courtship with an officer of the law, which should be enough incentive to act like a human again.” Application: Accepted. In the Teen Trauma Circus, Xanthe is the teenage freak show who can sit in a room of drunken pot smoking students and abstain from indulging in either alcohol or drugs.
6 – Alex (last week: 6) Alex’s report: “Now a member of the superficial teenagers’ equivalent of the Red Cross as she trains to be a beauty therapist, and bring light into the lives of those blighted by ugliness. She also displays a scornful view of her contemporaries who indulge in drink and drugs.” Application: Accepted. In the Teen Trauma Circus, Alex is the Cage of Sanctimony that tuts self-righteous disapproval at the incarcerated Jemma within.
7 – Josh (last week: 5) Josh’s report: “Reformed to the point where we regret revoking his human licence in the first place. Now able to enjoy a trip to the pub without the guilty pleasures of drugs.” Application: Accepted. In the Teen Trauma Circus, Josh juggles the many balls of responsibility with great dexterity, when only three months ago he couldn’t catch a single one.