The Brit Awards 2008, ITV1

by | Feb 13, 2008 | All, Reviews

Headlines from The Brit Awards, sponsored by Furnace – for your hotter celeb news – and in collaboration with the Spiritual Heirs of the Vichy Government – “fascism is just democracy minus the bureaucracy!”

Mika and Beth Ditto dancing like last Christmas’s unwanted puppies in the hope that someone will give them a new home after they were discarded by the music industry while a veterinary executive stands primed with a lethal injection just off stage.

The Osbournes stumble on stage looking like a set of mock-Goth cricket stumps with Ozzy an unfed hunting dog, salivating for no other reason other than if he didn’t do so he’d dissolve into a half-eaten coalface.

Chris Moyles blows on stage with the dexterity of a lame beach ball.

Take That win Best Live Act despite Jason Orange exhibiting definite signs of putrefaction, Howard Donald’s wrinkles could authentically audition for a role in Big Bang: The Musical, Gary Barlow’s humility sounds as genuine as a captured pilot forced to speak on TV for propaganda purposes and Mark Owen’s eyes look as if they’re only being kept afloat in the sockets thanks to a purloined pair of child’s armbands.

Klaxons and Rihanna performed a crossbreed of Golden Skans and Umbrella that couldn’t have been more corporate if it had spent the rehearsals staring at men wearing Versace suits only pausing to spit on a nearby tramp.

Fearne Cotton talks like a middle-class volcano, which is too polite and schooled in banality to emit anything other than hot clouds of harmless, fawning gas.

Will Young arrives and looks as if he was constructed that morning from a plastic kit.

The Brits School has a list of alumni – Kate Nash, The Feeling, The Kooks, Adele – more notorious than the holding cells in 1945 Nuremburg.

History was rewritten as Kylie Minogue was hailed as “making great pop since the 90s”. She has never made ‘great pop’, and even if she did she released her first single in the late 80s. It was also apparent she had won Best International Female the moment David Tennant was announced as the award giver.

And the willingness to rewrite and manipulate fact was also in evidence when the voiceover woman crowed, “I thought it was traditional for the Arctic Monkeys to snub the Brits!” They have only been around two years, and so the assumption of a ‘snub’ was based solely on last year – hardly a tradition, more akin to an outburst of common sense.

Kelly Osbourne’s emotions went on her strike leaving her to grovel over the guests using words such as “love” but speaking them in such a fashion that gave them all the affecting impact of a computer print-out. We asked Ms Osbourne for a comment but received only a deafening echo we believe came from the gagged mouth of her sense of shame.

James Nesbitt’s hair, which was heartlessly kidnapped more than a decade ago, has been joyfully reunited with his scalp. A spokesperson said: “After such a long and traumatic kidnapping, the hair is just glad to be back with its family and would appreciate being left alone to concentrate on helping James get those plum roles his receding hairline has cruelly denied him since Cold Feet.”

Mark Ronson’s Brit Award for Best British Male was merely the logical culmination in the lack of sanction against schoolchildren who plagiarise coursework from the internet, only managing to present it in a more puerile and amateurish fashion thanks to their inherent laziness and stupidity – something Ronson has managed to replicate adroitly.

It’s official – Kate Nash is better than PJ Harvey! Or at least that is what the Brit Award judging panel says so it must be true. Is there any voice of dissent? Certainly not from the NME Awards that are a Beria to the Brit Awards’ Stalin.

Sharon Osbourne usurpation of Vic Reeves’ spot to announce Best British Album with less justification than was shown for the invasion of Iraq.

Headlines from The Brit Awards, sponsored by Furnace – for your hotter celeb news – and in collaboration with the Spiritual Heirs of the Vichy Government – “fascism is just democracy minus the bureaucracy!”

Mika and Beth Ditto dancing like last Christmas’s unwanted puppies in the hope that someone will give them a new home after they were discarded by the music industry while a veterinary executive stands primed with a lethal injection just off stage.

The Osbournes stumble on stage looking like a set of mock-Goth cricket stumps with Ozzy an unfed hunting dog, salivating for no other reason other than if he didn’t do so he’d dissolve into a half-eaten coalface.

Chris Moyles blows on stage with the dexterity of a lame beach ball.

Take That win Best Live Act despite Jason Orange exhibiting definite signs of putrefaction, Howard Donald’s wrinkles could authentically audition for a role in Big Bang: The Musical, Gary Barlow’s humility sounds as genuine as a captured pilot forced to speak on TV for propaganda purposes and Mark Owen’s eyes look as if they’re only being kept afloat in the sockets thanks to a purloined pair of child’s armbands.

Klaxons and Rihanna performed a crossbreed of Golden Skans and Umbrella that couldn’t have been more corporate if it had spent the rehearsals staring at men wearing Versace suits only pausing to spit on a nearby tramp.

Fearne Cotton talks like a middle-class volcano, which is too polite and schooled in banality to emit anything other than hot clouds of harmless, fawning gas.

Will Young arrives and looks as if he was constructed that morning from a plastic kit.

The Brits School has a list of alumni – Kate Nash, The Feeling, The Kooks, Adele – more notorious than the holding cells in 1945 Nuremburg.

History was rewritten as Kylie Minogue was hailed as “making great pop since the 90s”. She has never made ‘great pop’, and even if she did she released her first single in the late 80s. It was also apparent she had won Best International Female the moment David Tennant was announced as the award giver.

And the willingness to rewrite and manipulate fact was also in evidence when the voiceover woman crowed, “I thought it was traditional for the Arctic Monkeys to snub the Brits!” They have only been around two years, and so the assumption of a ‘snub’ was based solely on last year – hardly a tradition, more akin to an outburst of common sense.

Kelly Osbourne’s emotions went on her strike leaving her to grovel over the guests using words such as “love” but speaking them in such a fashion that gave them all the affecting impact of a computer print-out. We asked Ms Osbourne for a comment but received only a deafening echo we believe came from the gagged mouth of her sense of shame.

James Nesbitt’s hair, which was heartlessly kidnapped more than a decade ago, has been joyfully reunited with his scalp. A spokesperson said: “After such a long and traumatic kidnapping, the hair is just glad to be back with its family and would appreciate being left alone to concentrate on helping James get those plum roles his receding hairline has cruelly denied him since Cold Feet.”

Mark Ronson’s Brit Award for Best British Male was merely the logical culmination in the lack of sanction against schoolchildren who plagiarise coursework from the internet, only managing to present it in a more puerile and amateurish fashion thanks to their inherent laziness and stupidity – something Ronson has managed to replicate adroitly.

It’s official – Kate Nash is better than PJ Harvey! Or at least that is what the Brit Award judging panel says so it must be true. Is there any voice of dissent? Certainly not from the NME Awards that are a Beria to the Brit Awards’ Stalin.

Sharon Osbourne usurpation of Vic Reeves’ spot to announce Best British Album with less justification than was shown for the invasion of Iraq.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

13/02/2008

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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