Highlights of episode one, series two
• Lauren slagging off her teacher’s frumpy clothes. “I thought maybe someone had thrown it at you or somefing. Are you going out on the street like that.”
• Lauren slagging off her teacher’s Jesus sandals. “Are you a Christian, miss? Is the Lord your shepherd, miss? Have you got Jesus in your heart, miss? Do you like Cliff Richard, miss? Are you the Vicar of Dibley, miss? Are we your flock, miss? Have you got a friend in Jesus, miss? Does he want you for a sunbeam, miss?”
• The huge pause before Lauren came out with: “Do I look bovvered?”
• The parody of racism involving ginger people. The highlight was when the policewoman who was comforting hate crime victim Sandra struggled to hide her own dislike of redheads. “Wipe down that chair”, she told her colleague as she took Sandra off to a refuge, “and make arrangements to burn all my clothes when I get back.”
• Partygoer Allie’s social faux pas with her hostess. “Oh, you’ve got something on your face, just there. Nope it’s still there. Here let me get it, it looks like a hair – oh, oh it’s attached! Oh and there’s more of them!” After a very awkward silence, she added: “My grandmother had a beard.”
• Partygoer Allie’s social faux pas with stammering Shaun, breaking into the intro of I Feel For You (“Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan…”) as he struggled to say his name.
• The reaction of the camp Derek Leslie Faye when his doctor gave him a leaflet for the weekly gay men’s health clinic. “How….vvvery….dare you!” After getting the doctor to make a grovelling apology, a furious Derek minced off with his ‘friend’ Leonard Mincing. “Gay, dear? Who dear? Me, dear? No dear! Just because I live at home and haven’t met the right girl yet, doesn’t mean I’m gay. Twenty-five years I’ve been coming here. Come on, Leonard!”
• The Essex couple laughing hysterically about a non-event at Dino’s.
* The couple expressing their disgust in a TV interview about a meal they had in Beverley (“In Beverley!”) that started with a soup containing dried shit ake mushrooms.
• The austere woman in a hearse ticking off her family for making noises and then letting out an enormous fart (and we usually hate fart jokes).
• Granny’s grandson rushing to her aid in her moment of distress. “We take these things for granted and then Bang, that’s your lot,” she told him, close to tears. “Is it just ITV you can’t get?” he asked with suitable concern. Granny claimed not to watch the TV much but she added: “I suppose I’ll never know what happened to Titania on Trisha.”
• When Granny heard that the TV repairman was Danny Shaw, she suddenly realised who his mother is. “Not Loopy f**king Lou. They never let her out again. His muvver eats her own s**t”
Highlights of episode two, series two
• The posh mum is forced to hire an agency nanny to look after Thomas and Chloe. “What’s worse, she’s from the north.” When Geordie Gina (Jill Halfpenny) turns up, none of them can understand a word she says and are scared stiff. “Run for your life, children, we’re all going to die.”
• The uptight woman bosses around a cabbie, insisting he get rid of his vanilla air freshener, turn off his radio and close his window to keep out exhaust fumes. And then she lets rip with a thundering fart.
• Lauren reveals the conversation she had to get a small reduction off a new top. (“And this is me, right. And this is her, right.”) before humiliating herself by thinking Dizzee Rascal is called Naughty Rascal. “Take the shame,” she’s told. But Lauren ain’t bovvered.
• Moo Shepherd, the Brummie dog trainer who quotes the lyrics of Will Young, Michael Jackson and Wham! while speaking about the difficulties of training her new dog Lady Penelope. Even electrocution fails to achieve obedience, though.
• Randy nurse Bernadette eats a patient’s truffles and climbs into his bed where she falls under the spell of a TV hypnotist.
• Amanda, the perky waitress at BJJ’s, annoys two impatient diners. “Any birthdays or anniversaries today for yourselves.” “Any freaky fries with that today for yourselves.” And then breaks into a dance routine when asked for the Oops Upside Your Head Burger.
• The nasty office worker sings La Bamba in a bid to strike up a conversation about her salsa classes and her sexy instructor. “Guess how old Tony thought I looked.” Her horrified colleague tries to avoid guessing, but succumbs. “16.” “16! 16!” “20.” “He’s not blind.” “25” “Right, have you ever looked at me?” “42” “What!!!???” “48” “48! Vanessa Feltz is 43.” “37” “Do you think I look 37?” “28” “Older than that.” “25” “Not that old.” “33” “I don’t think so.” “31” “Right, forget it.” “29” “30. He told me I looked 30.” “Wow, that is flattering.” “Yes it is.” “I used to tap.” “Do you ever stop talking!?”
• Irene and Vern in their layby café tell regular customer Neville (Brian Murphy) that Desmond Tutu (“he’s always on TV laughing”) came to the stand to ask where he could get a replacement calor gas canister.
• Foul-mouthed Mrs Taylor goes to the doctor’s surgery with her grandson. “There’s nothing wrong with half these people. Years ago you had to be spewing your guts up to see the doctor. Now they turn up in running suits. Oh they got a cheek.”
• The nasty office worker tells her colleague she went to Pizza Express for lunch. Before being asked to guess anything, her colleague blurts out: “Four Seasons, no onions, no anchovies, mixed salad and a Diet Coke.” She’s correct – and had her desk wrecked for being so bloody clever.
Highlights of episode three, series two
• DI Angie Baxter brings her kids along when she attends to the murder of a prostitute. “Come on, let’s see the dead lady with mummy.” The kids jump on the body, poke it with a stick and paint the face like a cat, while their mother complains: “You wanna try taking an oral swab from a 75-year-old rape victim whilst changing a dirty nappy, checking two sets of homework and looking for Barbie’s cocktail handbag.”
• Derek is offered Gay Pride tickets at a book/record shop and is very offended. The assistant apologises for the mistake, enquiring whether Derek is married. “Who dear? Me dear? Married dear? No dear. Whether I’ve found the right girl or not’s got nothing to do with you and, to be quite honest, I find you impertinent. Just because a man takes care of his appearance, you don’t expect him to be accused of being a Back Door Deirdre. My mother and I have been coming to this shop for 25 years and I’ve never heard anything like it. Gay Pride! How very dare you!”
• After Derek’s outburst, he almost forgets to take his purchases: a David Beckham calendar and The Best Of Judy Garland
• At BBJ’s restaurant, waitress Amanda serves a couple who have a lot on their minds. “We only have Braille menus for yourselves today.” Whenever they mention fries, she has to sing One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four (with the actions). She offered them a Belly Buster Burger (three 72oz steak burgers) but they requested Boogie Dogs, leading to all the waiting staff to dance to the Nolan Sisters and Fatboy Slim.
• Bubbling partygoer Allie embarrasses herself when she meets a man with a birthmark (“Your hat’s left a terrible mark on your head. Give it a rub. It looks dreadful.”) and a woman with a speech impediment (she covers her embarrassment by singing Ding Dong Merrily On High)
• Una Stubbs as the indiscreet receptionist at Trudy and Ivan’s wig emporium.
• Trudy’s horror when a wig delivery is delayed. “If that jiffy bag doesn’t get to Wembley Arena by eight o’clock, it’ll be the first time Candle In The Wind has been sung in a crash helmet.”
• Lauren takes to the running machine at the gym. The coach tells her: “You’re going at a snail’s pace.” “I ain’t got a snail’s face,” she replies before speeding up so much that she shoots off the end of the machine.
• Essex girl Sam and her husband laughing hysterically because she telephoned Nicky when she meant to call Shelley
• The northern couple complain about the shock they received at a Harrogate cafe when their cheese sandwich came in French bread and contained grapes. “Dirty bastards” And they were even unhappier when the bill came. “£5.60 – and we had to pick the grapes out. Dirty robbing bastards.”
• Old Mrs Taylor has had a nasty fall and is in hospital. She’s not happy “It’s like a f**king circus in here.” And she doesn’t like the food. “I couldn’t eat Chinese food. Their faces make me feel sick.”
Highlights of episode four, series two
• Nan gets to meet her grandson’s girlfriend Cheryl and cannot help drawing attention to the girl’s big nose. “Fair’s fair. It takes a lot of character to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and still walk outside your door with a great big walloping snout like that. I couldn’t do it.”
• Derek is booking a holiday in Ibiza for him and Leonard and is outraged when asked if they’d want a double bed. “How very dare you! My mother and I have been coming to this travel agent for 25 years and, in all that time. I’ve never been accused of taking deliveries up the back passage.”
• The drunken bride Victoria running down her groom and his family in her speech at the reception. “My sister-in-law Susan is a very thin woman. She’s so thin we weren’t sure she was here today. But I know she’s out there because I can smell the sick. No, no, no, don’t talk about the bulimics. It’s a disease.”
• The crap croupier. Her errors include losing the ball from the roulette wheel. “It was probably red,” she says while scooping up the chips.
• BBJ’s waitress Amanda is accompanied by puppet Pedro the pizza waiter. When a couple order jungle pizzas, all the waiting staff break into a dance routine to The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
• The stroppy office worker is annoyed that her colleague can’t guess where her hairdresser comes from (it’s Cardiff) but can guess what she went to see at the theatre (Phantom Of The Opera).
• The uptight woman farts in the confession box.
• Lauren has Ryan’s name and face tattooed on her arms but then he chucks her. “I need to concentrating on MCing and stuff,” he explains. Lauren, however, ain’t bovvered.
• Irene and Vern in their layby café tell regular customer Neville (Brian Murphy) that Mikhail Gorbachev has just stopped by en route to watching the Doncaster v West Hull rugby game and urinated over Vern’s onions.
Highlights of episode five, series two
• Elaine Phillips, the widow of a Death Row casualty, finds new love via an internet chatroom by using a picture of friend Cath’s daughter. The lucky man is Mohammed, 24, who sells spices outside Luxor temple. “It’s so romantic. I sometimes think I’m living in a Barbara Cartland novel,” she says, admitting that she regularly sends Mohammed money and, eventually, waiting forlornly at the airport for him to arrive.
• Lauren is on detention with a teacher with a West Country accent. “Are you a northerner? You speak funny izzit? Are you a farmer? You talk like a farmer? Why do you talk like a farmer? Are you Old McDonald? Do you know Old McDonald? Not being funny or nothing miss but you do smell like a farmer. Is it the pigswill? Miss, do you eat pigswill?”
• Randy nurse Bernadette gets excited by her vibrating phone, Rhubarb & Custard sweets (“I’m not a big fan of boiled sweets myself but it’s nice to have something to suck on in between bed baths”) and a man in the waiting room (“I don’t kiss and tell; I shag and shout so you’d better be careful.”)
• Laughing idiot Sam with her husband and parents (including Paul Whitehouse) cracking up about a fancy dress party when the shopping order got mixed up and they ended up serving vegetarian chipolatas and strawberry cheesecake
• Nan returns from Babycham-loving neighbour Lena’s funeral with eclairs in her pocket and a quiche in her handbag – and the sudden realisation that the deceased owed her £15. “What a f**king liberty!”
• At BBJ’s, a family make the mistake of ordering a Hot, Hot, Hot Burger (cue the song)
• A knackered mother talks her baby through the alphabet. “B is for bags under the eyes. E is for exhaustion and eternal suffering evermore – and elephant.”
• The posh woman complains to fellow cinema-goers about the noise of popcorn, sweet wrappers and a drinks can – and then unleashes an almighty fart
• Irene and Vern’s layby café has just received a visit from Madonna who was en route to the garden centre because they hadn’t given her enough nuts for her bolt-together barbecue.
Highlights of episode six, series two
• Allie embarrasses herself at another party, mistaking a couple for a mother and son (“I’d never go on holiday with my mum”, she says) and singing Bright Eyes to cover up her shame. Then she thinks a deaf man’s sign language is a Give Us A Clue mime. “Psycho? My Left Foot?”
• The moaning northern couple complain bitterly about a Leeds pub that only sold Thai food and they had to settle for tempura. “Battered vegetables with spicy jam. Dirty bastards!”
• Gay Derek is asked by the newsagent for advice. “It’s Paul, our eldest. We think he might be gay. In your experience, do you think we should ask him or wait?” Derek is outraged. “I beg pardon. How very dare you! Just because a gentlemen wears a little foundation, you accuse him of hiding the sausage.” He is so angry he forgets to take “my mother’s magazines”, Wildlife Countryside and Hot Muscle.
• The office worker wants her colleague to guess which swearword people in the office find the most offensive. “Tit-wank?” “Tit-wank! Tit-wank! When have you heard anyone in the office using tit-wank?” “Willy?” “Willy! Willy! In the office not the playground!” “Tosser, tosspot, phallus, minge, frig, jizz?” Later, the colleague guesses that the annoying woman’s boyfriend earns £37,500 a year – getting a milkshake over her head as a result of being such a smartass.
• Michael Brandon is starring in a medical drama but can’t take his eyes off his co-star’s breasts.
• Lauren quizzes her teacher. “Are you gay, sir? Are you gay, sir? Are you homophobic, sir? Do your friends know you’re gay? Are you their funny gay friend? Are you Graham Norton’s bitch? Did Graham Norton break your heart? Are you in the closet, sir? You should come out of the closet. Is your wife a lesbian? Are you a militant gay?”
• Sam’s husband has a laugh by pretending not to be amused when she reveals she tried to pay for two pints of milk, a caramel Whispa and Marie Claire Health & Beauty with a five-euro note and she picked up an egg and cress sandwich instead of buffalo mozzarella.
• Peter Kay guesting as Nan’s old friend Young Tommy Upson who duets with her on Bridge Over Troubled Water (pausing to puff on his inhaler). He thinks grandson Jamie is a lazy gayboy (“When I was your age, I was up to me eyeballs. Three kids and a Welsh dresser to pay for”) and he claims his late wife resembled Coco Chanel. “She used to model herself on Coco Chanel…she always wore matching hats, shoes, gloves, handbag. Not a lot of people could pull off a look like that in a motorised wheelchair.”
When Tommy’s gone, Gran gets annoyed: “What a f**king liberty. He’s used all the f**king lavatory paper. What’s he doing in there? Making f**king flags? And as for his old woman, Coco Chanel? More like Coco The f**king Clown!”