Celebrity Big Brother, Channel 4

by | Jan 3, 2007 | All, Reviews

The Celebrity Big Brother chart brought to you in association with Wood Beer – ale scraped from the bottom of the barrel that fizzes with the rapture of senseless applause.

1. Donny Tourette. For Celebrity Big Brother there need to be repulsive, decadent scum in order to raise the viewers from their apathetic stupor, and as the most of the rest of the contestants are about as pitifully placid as hippies culled from Woodstock by pillaging Roman slavers press-ganging gladiators, this rancid colostomy bag brimming with human snot suddenly became essential. Best friend: His arrogance. Worst enemy: Humanity. Most likely to: Swim in his own vomit.

2. Ken Russell. Staggered into the house wearing a multi-coloured shirt and waistcoat while crooning Singin’ In The Rain making him appear like a rainbow possessed by the spirit of mad Emperor Nero. The crimson-faced film director has since waddled around like a portable volcano. Best friend: The cloak of insanity that makes him think he’s back in 1973. Worst enemy: American astronauts who land on him thinking him to be the planet Mars. Most likely to: Be the first person to die on reality TV.

3. Dirk Benedict. He made the most impressive entrance, disembarking from the A-Team van before sauntering into the house smoking a cigar before disintegrating into a puddle of self-doubt. Best friend: The knowledge that he looked more ridiculous in Battlestar Galactica. Worst enemy: Sudden gusts of wind. Most likely to: Sit in the shower weeping uncontrollably.

4. (Ian Watkins). Now a jobbing actor, (Ian) claims that: “Everyone loves cheese (-y pop songs) they just don’t admit it. Everyone’s a cheese fan!” Shortly before he went to the gallows, an upbeat Saddam Hussein made a similar claim about ethnic genocide. Best friend: Self-denial. Worst enemy: Self-delusion. Most likely to: After two days, dye his hair blond and demand that everyone calls him ‘H’.

5. Jo O’Meara. A rotting wood chip that has been shaved from the trunk of plastic pop by the cruel buzz saw of teenage capriciousness. Best friend: (Ian Watkins). Worst enemy: The fact that her best friend is (Ian Watkins). Most likely to: Slot anything she can get her hands on into the mouth of Leo Sayer to both sate her addiction to slot machines and perform an altruistic act of selfless compassion for her housemates and the viewing public.

6. Shilpa Shetty. A famous Indian film actress, apparently. Best friend: Her eyebrows creeping across her forehead like an assassin. Worst enemy: Fanatical Bollywood fundamentalists burning her image in the streets of Mumbai for daring to show a bare arm. Most likely to: Be torn apart by the feral Jade Goody and her mother and fed to her children as beauty medicine.

7. Cleo Rocos. Was once Kenny Everett’s scantily dressed sidekick but seems to have bagged the role of first reserve, often jealously guarded by Tim Vincent, after someone else dropped out. Best friend: Tim Vincent, for not acting as first reserve. Worst enemy: Gravity. Most likely to: Appear in an impromptu remake of Ken Russell’s The Devils in the minor role of Buxom Serving Wench.

8. Leo Sayer. “I’m really good at cheering up a room!” chirruped the jaunty 70s pop star. Is likeable in the same way that you find people at weddings likeable to stifle the horror that you are now related to them. Sometimes his eyes move independently and so out of sync they resemble Amundsen and Scott heading towards the same destination from completely different directions. Best friend: Blind optimism. Worst enemy: Any clock that as been ticking relentlessly since 1978. Most likely to: Show off his scientific breakthrough after he invented, and implanted into his own voice box, the everlasting gobshite.

9. Jermaine Jackson. Another in the long line of amoeba-sized celebrities – David Gest, Uri Geller, Tito Jackson – hauled in to the crushing vortex of reality TV anonymity to get Michael Jackson to watch. Best friend: The thought that no matter what he does he’ll still have more dignity than Michael. Worst enemy: The thought that no matter what he does he’ll still be less famous than Michael. Most likely to: Fade so far into the background that he becomes like one of those poor souls caught in the Hiroshima blast – just a faint impression screaming silently on the wall for all eternity.

10. Danielle Lloyd. “I posed nude but didn’t think you’d be able to see anything,” she cooed, as said photo appeared on screen with her breasts pointed threateningly at the camera like Clint Eastwood quick-drawing his Colt revolvers. Best friend: The same level of intellect that blinds pigs to their ultimate fate even when a knife is being waved before their eyes as they hang upside down in the abattoir. Worst enemy: Most viewers will have the senses of sight and hearing. Most likely to: Forget her own name.

11. Carole Malone. A living, breathing Pompeii as a skeleton of basic humanity is smothered in a thick layer of molten spite and a choking ashen sprinkling of middle-aged insecurity. Best friend: The knowledge that everyone watching CBB will one day die and there will be nobody to remember her heinous crimes. Worst enemy: The absence of sandpaper to smooth her face. Most likely to: That should the house run out of food, she will be exiled outside like an exhausted Eskimo to freeze to death in the chill air of Davina’s insincerity.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

03/01/2007

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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