Celebrity Big Brother 3, Channel 4

by | Jan 23, 2005 | All, Reviews

What to say of you like it

Eight variegated paragons of British culture congregate at the pantheon of popular worship in a celebration of tolerance and tenderness.

What to say of you didn’t like it

Eight publicity vultures come to feast on the rancid corpse of reality TV, greedily rending at the nutritious morsels of notoriety pulsing from the corrupt arteries to sustain their ebbing careers.

What was good about it?

• John McCririck – he claimed he would be a hate figure and was as good as his word. For all those who have suffered cold hate turkey since Victor’s eviction, you now have a fine substitute.

• Germaine Greer – once we got over the shock of her participation, it quickly became clear she herself possesses more intellect than all the other previous BB contestants combined. In her flowing grey cape she also looked like a Tuskan Raider from Star Wars.

• Bez – the Phil Tufnell figure looks sure to be popular because he now has little more intelligence than a cute puppy. His mind seems to be as coherent as a once giant ice floe that is splitting apart into little islets or completely dissolving.

• The forced screams and cheers that barely disguised the apathy that greeted Lisa I’Anson and could have been cobbled together from the latest soulless ringtones.

• John McCririck kissing young women the way most people lower their heads to enter a dark foreboding tunnel.

• Jeremy Edwards – while the flask of soap operas may have run dry and his only possible source of salvation was the oasis of Celebrity BB, he came across as funny and likeable.

• When Kenzie entered the house one of the women whispered: “He looks about 12.”

What was bad about it?

• Davina’s over optimistic tour of the house where she remarked the Jacuzzi may be the venue for some “intimate moments” and that there would be “naked” celebrities in the sauna. (Although this was before we knew Brigitte Nielsen was taking part.)

• Caprice – apparently she represents the “totty” for male viewers but now looks so haggard she resembles a slab of meat in a butcher’s freezer that has been forgotten about and left to hang on the hook for eight years.

• The Talk Talk ads.

• Brigitte Nielsen – the Red Adair of reality shows although she is called in to ensure the flames continue to burn for as long as possible. Unfortunately she is so overbearing and it’s like watching a football match and having someone screaming in your ear the whole 90 minutes.

• Take out Kenzie and the average age is about 45, with nobody in their 20s (unless Caprice has stopped the orbit of the Earth again and is still “29”).

• Davina twittering on about how “evil” Big Brother was going to be. “Evil” would be to uproot the house and set it adrift in the Atlantic Ocean, but instead John McCririck will probably get doused in a cold shower.

• Lisa I’Anson – utterly forgettable; she may get quite far as people won’t remember she’s taking part.

Care in the (Big Brother) Community: the top four certifiable basket-cases in this year’s CBB.

1. Professor Germaine Greer. She arrived in benignly eccentric granny mode, but will she flip and become the hatchet-faced man-hater who wasted a generation’s time with clever-sounding arguments based on obscure words she knew no-one else could be bothered to look up? Is there a full moon during the next 18 days? The housemates should be told.

2. John McCririck. Professional oddball, sexist and sometime on-course bookmaker, prone to hand-waving over-excitement when the going gets firm. Is already getting over-excited over Wonderbra model Caprice, offering to give her the ‘snog of life’ in case of a Jacuzzi accident. He and Germaine were like old pals on the first night, but things could turn nasty if either of them loses their grip.

5. Bez. Former idiot-dancer with the Happy Mondays, now apparently just an idiot. Said the thing he’d miss most in the House would be his ganja, although by the look of him he’d smoked 18 days’ worth already just to be safe. Tried to save an injured sheep in his intro film, but the sheep ran away. May single-handedly render the entire pre-watershed soundtrack silent if the word “fookin'” is deemed unsuitable for a daytime audience.

4. Brigitte Nielsen. The Uranium-235 nucleus (big and unstable) of the celebrity B-list, and just as likely to go into meltdown on encountering a highly agitated object travelling at extreme velocity (see Bez, above). Scared the life out of Davina on the in-show catwalk. Scared the life out of us in her intro film clip. Scared the life out of her foot-shorter boyfriend, whose face she attempted to eat as a farewell gesture. Prepare for fireworks.

Making up the numbers: the top four space-fillers in this years’ Celebrity Big Brother:

1. Caprice. Lip-linered, mineral-enhanced American “blonde” model famous for filling the first Wonderbra, although from her intro clip she could do with filling the space between her earrings as well. Said she’d definitely “go for it” if a suitable male appeared in the house, although John McCririck may not be what she had in mind.

2. Jeremy Edwards. Handsome (if you like that sort of thing) former Hollyoaks and Holby City star who Hasn’t Done Much Since (hence his appearance here). Probably what Caprice (and BB’s producers) have in mind. Likes a practical joke, plans to put drops in people’s tea to give them the shits. Let’s see how Brigitte reacts to that one.

3. Lisa I’Anson. The full-of-herself Radio 1 DJ whose name no-one could spell properly. Her only recent work seems to be narrating Uncovered shows on Sky. Describes herself as “bossy”, which should ensure harmony with Mesdames Greer and Neilsen.

4. Kenzie. One of the 158 members of Blazin’ Squad, a rap collective who get schoolgirls all wet-knickered by lunging around stage in baggy trousers. The youngest-ever BB contestant, joined the house on his 19th birthday. Could win if enough 12-year-old Vicky Pollards have got credit on their mobiles.

Top six housemates who did their careers some good in Celebrity Big Brother

1. Bez. More 4 E’s than E4 when he went in, a National Treasure when he came out, proving the British public’s endearing love of the underdog. Now a marketable commodity, where previously he’d have been lucky to get work on a market. Prospects: The new face of Tango, cut-price Co-op Riesling and government anti-drugs campaigns (“it could be you!”).

2. Kenzie. He may not have won, but he elevated his profile from anonymous teen rapper to the teen rapper everyone’s mum wants to cuddle. Prospects: Could become the next Gareth Gates. Or things could go OK for him. Either way, his role as the new face of the Egg Marketing Board is assured.

3. Brigitte Nielsen. Fooled C4 into thinking she’d do a strip-and-shag rerun of U.S. show Surreal Life, instead switched to thoughtful Surreal Auntie mode and convinced everyone that she’s just a bit more than a pallid Grace Jones impersonator. Her masterful handling of mother-in-law from the Hammer House Of Horrors Jackie clinched it. Prospects: The new face of Danish Bacon, Panama cigars and care homes for the difficult elderly.

4. Jackie Stallone. Now we know where Rambo gets it from. Came in as a freakishly plasticised, semi-cogent pensioner from hell, came out after five days, but not before delivering some of the best come-back lines since Groucho Marx (John McCririck: “I wasn’t warned you were coming”, Jackie: “If I’d known you were here I wouldn’t have shown up”). Prospects: The new face of Help The Aged, and a new face once her plastic-surgeon hubby gets back from Dubai.

5. Caprice. Proved that somewhere deep, deep inside the Californian supermodel shell there is actually a person, and not an entirely awful one at that. Her willingness to wade through compost and roll in treacle, and her failure to complain once about breaking a nail or splitting an end, made her (almost) endearing. Prospects: The new face of Blue Peter After Hours, a CBeebies spin-off show aimed at the 14-17 young male market.

6. Jeremy Edwards. Planted as the Cocky Git They Hoped Would Shag Caprice, turned out to be an amiable team player and just a bit lonely, the latter not too surprising as every red-blooded male in the country hates his guts for being such a totty-magnet. Heroically refused to talk about his broken engagement to arch-totty Rachel Stevens, even though Big Brother probably offered him two bottles of wine, an extra loo roll and Jackie’s instant removal if he would. Prospects: Could end up as the next Hugh Grant if he plays his cards right (or wrong, depending on your point of view).

Top three housemates who did their careers no good in Celebrity Big Brother.

1. John McCririck. Went in representing the racy, slightly dangerous world of on-course gambling, proved himself to be a bumbling, sulky incompetent who made his wife travel cattle-class and couldn’t even tip the winner of his own show (catch Celebrity Poker on Discovery H&L to see him doing a similarly disastrous job at the green baize). Prospects: The new face of a Viagra ad delivered by email to your inbox 30 times a week.

2. Lisa I’Anson. Nowhere near as bad as she looked set to be, but still (by her own admission) a bossy cow who couldn’t help telling everyone else what to do, even after they wrenched that crown out of her hands with the Big Brother Crowbar. Prospects: Face it, love, you need to forget about stardom, get behind the camera and become a producer, then you can tell everyone what to do all day.

3. Germaine Greer. Did quite well in the house, but reinforced (perhaps fatally) her reputation for not knowing what she’s talking about by complaining about psychological bullying and squalid living conditions, when even a passing familiarity with Big Brothers past would have told her that those were the staples of the show. Turned up at the last-night event claiming that her contract forced her to, although it looked suspiciously like a last-ditch attempt to grab some limelight. Prospects: Stick to the cosy academic life, Professor, where everyone’s too scared of you to point out your inconsistencies.

Another view of what the future holds for the Celebrity Big Brother Housemates

Kenzie. An “I’m too big for Blazin Squad” row. A solo career comprising a number three and a 27. He’ll then spend the rest of his days being led around Primrose Hill by boymate Jeremy.

John McCririck. Children’s entertainer in Butlins. Agony aunt in Loaded. Flood barrier in Carlisle.

Germaine Greer. Co-hosting ITV1’s People Fink The Most Philosophical Fings with Dr Neil Fox.

Caprice. Wizened witch sticking pins into her John McCririck doll when she’s not faxing her CV to all corners of the world.

Bez. A tour of every school in Britain as part of the government’s “Drugs Is Bad 4U” campaign.

Lisa I’Anson. Contestant in the World Patronising Championships. A late-night slot on Radio Blah in Hastings.

Brigitte Nielsen. A part in EastEnders as Pat’s long-lost sister. Within weeks, she has given birth to the babies of Dennis, Alfie and Ian.

Jeremy Edwards. Appearances in TV ads for banks and insurance companies, playing Reassuring Bland Expert or Bland Customers With Nice Hair. Caring for his new pet Kenzie.

Jackie Stallone. Playing Natasha Kaplinsky in BBC Breakfast – The Musical, with Shane Richie as Dermot Murnaghan, Kate O’Mara as the weatherwoman and Steven Gately as Rob Bonnet

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 1

1 Davina McCall dressed like a professional male as she introduced the most infamous house since 10 Rillington Place – the Big Brother house. The inhabitants came one-by-one in people carriers and were then thrusted into Voyeuristic Doom. But, they’re a game lot and soon personalities were unleashed.

2. Bez’s ears were of great concern to John as the Mad Happy Mondays singer ducked in the Jacuzzi; this then caused a flurry of concern regarding the state of his earlobes.

3. John’s dress sense, surely he’s been rummaging the leftovers from Trigger Happy TV.

4. Jeremy and Kenzie (drool) especially when Jeremy discovered his bed was a waterbed.

5. The conspiracy theories discussed around the Jacuzzi.

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 2

1. The women tearing into McCrririck over his sexist assumptions – and everyone’s disgust at his farting/bogies health tips.

2. Kenzie being the house puppy, and pronouncing ‘brother’ as ‘bwuvvure”

3. Bez the Thunderbirds puppet – those eyes of his tell the story, plus he rants and stays awake of a night. Move the knives, quickly!

4. Germaine “mother hen” Greer saying her people are less intelligent than those of New Zealand

5. Those fascinating hours spent playing that marbles game

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 3

1. Kenzie may be cute (and “a really bright, intelligent young man that the country should be proud of,” according to John) but the lad can’t hold an intelligent conversation without using erratic hand gestures (stop sniggering) and going “ya know?” It was fun hearing him trying to explain the underground garage scene to John.

2. Bez’s paranoia about being edited as a ‘knobhead.’ No editing required. He doesn’t even know what the word “disposition” means. Almost as dumb was Caprice who confuses “flagellate” with “flatulent”.

4. John being flagellated then ignored after stirring everyone up . He told Caprice she had it easy because of her looks and sniped at blonde bombshell Brigitte Neilsen: “Your hair is awful. You have boy’s hair. Cover that forehead up!”

3. Jeremy’s obvious discomfort at spin-the-bottle. As soon as ‘blowjob’ was mentioned, he was soon off.

5. The tension between Brigitte and the too-nice Lisa, which bordered on a verbal catfight once.

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 4

1. John being silent and ignored.

2. Bez and Jez (the noble footmen) presented their shield donned with presumably symbolic signs, although Bez’s efforts were blunt and incomprehensible.

3. Germaine Greer looked like a wench from Carry On Dick, yet her wisdom, sanity and motherliness has brought some much needed intellectual stimuli to the Big Brother format.

4. Lisa (so far) has taken a relaxed attitude to her newfound Majestydom (Elizabeth II take note).

5. Kenzie – wearing that green cape made him look like an extra from a CBeebies programme. He’s got Grange Hill written all over him.

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 5

1 Jackie Stallone entering the house. Big Brother is now the world’s wackiest pantomime. Her best moment came when she was told John hdsn’t spoken for two days: “Do you think he had a stroke?”

2 Kenzie’s face – it seems he’s having second thoughts about being there, although he did seem entranced by Jackie.

3 Germaine – she’s so centred that she can handle anything, even Crazy Jackie.

4 Brigette – she’s coping well with the presence of her ex mother-in-law, but something has to happen.

5 John – could a grown man be anymore pathetic, though it’s funny to watch.

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 6

1 Germaine sniping with Brigitte in the kitchen before she led a rebellion and then cleared out

2 Kenzie loves toad in the hole. So do we.

3 Jackie’s excitement about sitting on a stool for the first time. Lisa on Jackie – “First you gave us John, now it’s the Bride of Frankenstein.”

4 Kenzie being caught eavesdropping on Queen Lisa (bossy cow), Brigitte and Caprice as they discussed sexually exploitative punishments for him and Jeremy

5 The jousting game won by Bez – the least infantile game so far

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 7

1 Jackie Stallone: ” I married a man Sylvester’s age.” No, you married a man younger than your son. Your husband is 53 and your son is 58. But wait, your BB biography states you’re 71. So you gave birth at 13? Where are you from? Arkansas?

More from Jackie: “I don’t think I read the rules.” “Big Brother is a good excuse to stay drunk for a week. I really should take three bottles of vodka, but I’m afraid I’ll get an ulcer.”

2 John’s reaction to the prank when his Diet Coke (which he seems to value above champagne) was locked in the fridge by certain bad boys. “You’re thick and stupid all of you,” he ranted, while looking ridiculous with tissue covering shaving cuts beneath his nose.

3 Germaine’s comments on her ex-housemates. Caprice – “Nothing about her is spontaneous.” Kenzie – “He’s adorable. He’s intensely creative. He’s completely uncalculating. His band is too big to ever make a bob.” Bez – “A walking miracle. He’ll find happiness in a mote of dust.”

4 Jackie demanding Chardonnay and a harpist. “You can gag her. She won’t talk.”

5 Jackie looking truly horrific in nightvision (and dayvision, to be honest)

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 8

1 The nominations process –

Bez picked Jackie (“we don’t want Sylvester Stallone coming over the wall, setting traps for us to fall into”) and John (for not taking part in the pheasant plucking)

Brigitte picked John (for calling her gross) and Jackie (“so I can have a more serene time”)

Caprice picked John (for his snots, blisters and sexism) and Jackie (“she can’t hack it”)

Jackie picked Bez (“he might as well be speaking Chinese”) and Jeremy (“he’s like a Beverly Hills gigolo”)

Jeremy picked Jackie (“Like a space cadet and she ain’t even funny”) and Lisa (bossy, ratty, dismissive)

John picked Bez (“I’ve rarely met anyone with less intelligence”) and Caprice (“a cold, calculating cash register”)

Kenzie picked John (for putting his wife in economy while he travelled club) and Jackie (“I’ve not see her do anything”)

Lisa picked John (for his booming voice) and Jackie (“she’s obviously had plastic surgery”)

2 Jackie Stallone to Kenzie – “Do you like the way you look in these mirrors? I think they’ve made these mirrors so that when you look in them you look like a freak.” Jackie, it’s not the mirrors. But we love the pigtails. With the emphasis on pig.

3 Jackie (a former runner-up in Miss America, she reckons) complains that none of the housemates are as famous as her – “I thought there’d be people like Elton John here!”

4 Bez and Kenzie’s wobbly yoga

5 John and Jackie’s you’ve-done-nothing/nuthin’ row.

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 9

1 Jackie “I’ve never heard of this s**t show” Stallone’s eviction. Maybe Channel 4 can sign her up for 10 Years Younger now and try to make her look 70ish. “I go outta my way to look pretty,” she claimed. “You might not think so but I do.”

Gems from her post-eviction interview included her answer to Davina’s question: “What about Bez?” “First time I had a waterbed in my life.” Plus remarks on Caprice – “I call her an airhead.”; Jeremy – “A conceited ass. I wanted to hit him on the head with a pot.”; Kenzie – “He’s a darling.”

2 Brigitte and Jackie’s reconciliation. “That alone was worth a million dollars,” said Jackie. “I’m sorry she’s still not in the family.”

3 John getting upset with Kenzie for making Jackie’s toast. And Jackie’s reply: “Life’s tough enough in this place without being told off by a nobody.” And John’s diary room observation: “I’ve done my best to shame her into doing something.”

4 Kenzie and Jeremy laughing at Jackie’s precarious journey back to bed when she got up in the night to relive her bladder.

5 Kenzie cracking up when John put his protective suit on upside down.

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 10

1 Laughing at Lisa because she’s so certain John will be evicted before her – we pray he won’t be. How shamefaced will she be then? Lisa also had a pot-kettle-black moment when she called Jackie a “venomous little witch.” And how would one describe Lisa’s dancing when the housemates were “treated” to a selection of German pop songs on Saturday night? Five-year-old at a wedding reception.

2 Jackie eating a meal comprising 19 peas. (“Greedy cow,” says a Mrs Beckham from Spain)

3 Caprice’s steely face as she was forced to hear what other housemates had said about her.

4 Kenzie being rubbish at spreading his legs wide apart during Lisa’s yoga session.

5 The horror spreading through the bedroom when John claimed he was good at performing 69

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 10

1 Laughing at Lisa because she’s so certain John will be evicted before her – we pray he won’t be. How shamefaced will she be then? Lisa also had a pot-kettle-black moment when she called Jackie a “venomous little witch.” And how would one describe Lisa’s dancing when the housemates were “treated” to a selection of German pop songs on Saturday night? Five-year-old at a wedding reception.

2 Jackie eating a meal comprising 19 peas. (“Greedy cow,” says a Mrs Beckham from Spain)

3 Caprice’s steely face as she was forced to hear what other housemates had said about her.

4 Kenzie being rubbish at spreading his legs wide apart during Lisa’s yoga session.

5 The horror spreading through the bedroom when John claimed he was good at performing 69

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 11

1 The nominations:

Bez picked Brigitte (worried about what she’ll be like when she’s ciggieless) and Kenzie (he’s a favourite)

Brigitte picked John (for the insults) and Bez (he’s missing his weed)

Caprice picked Bez (he wants to go) and John (he’s a coward)

Jeremy picked Bez (“he’s going a bit loopy”) and Brigitte (“hell hath no fury like a smoker with no fags”)

John picked Bez (“wrapped up in himself”) and Jeremy (“My problem is the blandness. There’s nothing inside the man”)

Kenzie picked John (“he bought da vibe dahn a bit”) and Bez (“He defended jackie and I didn’t agree wid dat”)

Lisa picked John (Y-fronts, bogies) and Bez (“he’s slightly messy”)

2 John’s expert forecast that he and Bez would be up for eviction. We’re going to follow his racing tips now.

3 John’s breakdown when the ghost train gave up the ghost

4 Bez trying to get Prince Harry’s vote: “I hate the f**king Germans”) And his toad-in-the-hole cremation.

5 Brigitte in lederhosen and pop socks. And Brigitte topless.

The Top 5 gripes of Jackie Stallone on Richard & Judy, Channel 4, Monday

1 “Do you think I’d come 10,000 miles across the ocean to meet saps like that. They’re the sort of people you don’t want to know.”

2 “I’m just beginning to recover from the indigation. I’m humiliated.”

3 “I can’t stand the jerk [no prizes for guessing who she means]. I’d like to see him suffer.”

4 “Caprice couldn’t get a job in the States, that’s why she’s here. She’s still trying to get a job in the States but she’s got no chance.”

5 “Lisa and Caprice are airheads. They’re getting their 15 minutes of fame. Once they leave, that’s it.”

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 12

1 The Lisa-John explosion. “You grease up to everyone,” John told the pillow-chucking bossyboots. “F**k yourself, you nasty old man. You whinging w***er”

2 Bez’s outburst after hearing he’s been nominated. “You’re a bunch of tossers. I’m gonna start smacking people down. I’m not gonna see any of you on the outside. I feel like smashing the gaffe up. I’m sick of the bad company.” He then proceeded to strip off his hippy robe (“Pathetic,” said Lisa) and do freaky things in front of the cameras which scared us senseless.

3 John’s candour in the blue pod before his eviction (that’s a mistake). “I’m far too fat. Never employ a fat person. I’m eaten up by a desire for revenge. That’s why I’ve got no friends.”

4 Lisa’s funny posh voice when she wore the helmet of truth.

5 John’s post-eviction interview. “Be proud to be British.” And his rage at the Incredible Sulk montage. He shocked us though by favouring Loathsome Lisa. “The original Earth Mother. Jolly hockey sticks. She used the C word on me, good for her.” But he delighted us by roaring: “Don’t buy any Caprice products.”

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 13

1 The red sky over the house in the morning (yes, it was a rubbish edition with very few highlights)

2 Kenzie doing the Salutation Dance as if he was on CD:UK.

3 Laughing at the stupid way that “expert” Sandra Scott speaks, dishing out her dull money-for-old-rope “insights”

4 John’s ventriloquism act with his freaky Little Mars doll. A future as a children’s entertainer beckons.

5 John becoming an agony uncle on CBBLB, where he had to rub shoulders with Jonathan Wilkes and Myleene Klass. Hasn’t he had enough punishment?

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 14

1 Lisa pretending to be happy when she was evicted when we could tell she was devastated.

2 Caprice insisting that the crowd noise she heard when Lisa was evicted was a replay of the reaction to John because of all the boos. And the sinking feeling she kept bottled up when she realised she was wrong and Lisa is so unloved.

3 Kenzie as Humpty Dumpty

4 Jeremy “only just realising” his pants are see through. He knew all along. That’s why he was wearing them. But it still won’t win him the prize.

5 Jeremy realising how unfamous he is when Bez and Brigitte both revealed they didn’t have a clue that he’d been out with Rachel Stevens.

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 15

1 Kenzie’s horror when forced into the Humpty Dumpty outfit and his diary room plea to Big Bruvvvure: “This is national humiliation. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t show this.” They did, of course.

2 Caprice’s horror when told she snored

3 Caprice’s horror when she realised Lisa had gone

4 The fake nominations:

Bez picked Jeremy (public school/turned on Jackie) and Lisa (turned on Jackie)

Brigitte picked Bez and Caprice (superficial)

Caprice picked Bez and Brigitte (her nominations were not shown so we assume she said nothing interesting. As usual)

Jeremy picked Brigitte (eating everything) and Caprice (just don’t trust her/hasn’t got her knockers out)

Kenzie picked Bez and Brigitte (his nominations were not shown so we assume he said nothing interesting. As usual)

Lisa picked Bez and Kenzie (tactical vote)

5 Lisa dancing to 10 Green Bottles as if it was a new R Kelly tune

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 16

1 Laughing at Caprice and Jeremy when they pretended they were pleased to be evicted. With two days left? We don’t think so.

2 No more of Caprice’s whiney face.

3 No more of Jeremy’s middle-class suburban boy act

4 Brigitte smoking a cigar (it’s a phallic thing)

5 Kenzie’s paparazzi task flop

The Top 5 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 17

1 The smitten Kenzie holding back tears as Jeremy was evicted and he realised he’d have to spend two whole days without his “boymate”.

2 The breakfast-in-bed stunt in which the housemates had their meals splattered upon them from above. Only Brigitte, her cuddly toy and Bez escaped.

3 Brigitte and Bez singing Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves in the sauna and Kenzie dancing to I’ve Had The Time Of My Life.

4 Kenzie getting Caprice to fry his egg – the result looked like a soiled nappy

5 Jeremy smothering Kenzie in syrup as they prepared for the Sticky Money Task

The Top 11 Highlights of Celebrity Big Brother Day 18

1 It’s over. We can get back to living our own lives. We weren’t happy that Bez won – Kenzie should have taken the honours – but we’ll get over that. At least Kenzie has won the heart of Jeremy and that’s worth much more than 50 grand.

2 The chavs and kebabs party

3 Kenzie and Brigitte dancing to Step On

4 Kenzie giggling while being massaged by Brigitte

5 Jackie’s wonderful outfit

6 Kenzie’s rap, which flowed with as much fluidity as the blood passing through the veins of a man suffering a heart attack.

7 The absurdly menacing security guards who were watchful should an obsessed fan try to emulate Mark Chapman, when any assassination would be the sole reason the majority of the housemates would ever be remembered for.

8 Lisa so desperate to be popular and get a cheer that she shamelessly supported Kenzie to achieve vicarious appreciation from his screaming fans.

9 The photographers were taking such random pictures and screeching such clichéd requests at the exiting housemates some of them must have been plants to exaggerate the interest in the show in the world outside the pages of the Daily Star.

10 Kenzie and Bez calling Davina “man”.

11 Germaine Greer’s discomfort and Jackie Stallone looking as though she had just been removed from her cryogenic chamber prior to her arrival on the stage with Davina.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

23/01/2005

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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