The final Celebrity Big Brother chart in association with Next Stop Hell, a charitable organisation that employs divine intervention to calculate what charity penance each sinning celebrity must make to be washed clean of all sin.
1. Shilpa. Someone must have been telling lies about Shilpa Shetty, for without having done anything wrong she was mercilessly jeered one fine evening. Once more the “panto rabble” that Channel 4 have cultivated with parental devotion since the first BB series (and were forbidden entry for Jade’s eviction), smothered themselves in a creamy lather of shame as they booed her with all the mental acuity of a mindless automaton bayoneting a straw effigy.
2. Jermaine. With his sunglasses obscuring his eyes and his mouth only used to mumble some clichéd aphorism or the other (“kindness is a strength”), Jermaine could ramble about the rural towns of the United Kingdom peddling his dubious wisdom to impressionable, bored housewives who are enduring the cold turkey of their addiction to women’s magazines.
3. Dirk. Complimented Shilpa for her “innate elegance” and revelled in the crowd’s droning rendition of the A-Team theme tune, but looked utterly worn out as though he were made of carbon and had been rubbing his whole body on a giant eraser that had settled down next to him to share his whisky.
4. (Ian Watkins). A shrug of the shoulders made flesh. Yes, he is “nice”, yet if he were born a tree instead of a man he would eventually find his way to his natural role of a bookmark. As he left he hugged Jermaine so tightly it was as though he wanted to crawl into his skull through his eyes and live out his life as a voyeur inside his brain, seeing the world as a Jackson sees it. He also has the perhaps the most skewed sense of perception since Dr Timothy Leary last raided the drugs cabinet firstly by assuring Danielle that “everybody is going to love you” and that he believed “Jack or Danielle would be the winner”.
5. Danielle. Explained her abhorrent behaviour by drawing random excuses from the top hat of stupidity claiming that she thought it was simply a case of “just girls being girls”, and that “people can sort of tell me what to do”. Similar excuses were used 60 years ago, and that often didn’t stop them being shot. She has such a simpering, plastic expression of which moulds could be taken of it and used to smother bomb explosions.
6. Jack Tweed. If spiders spun from their abdomens essence of Jack instead of silk, and were left to trap prey with webs made out of a milky, mongrel mix of stupidity and ignorance, then soon the world’s surface would be engulfed in a writhing mass of insects. He also has the worst tattoo in the world, looking like an old crone with bad teeth has bitten into his arm some rancid meat that’s been stuck in her molars since 1905.