What to say if you liked it
Eight big hearted celebrities put their pride and vanity on the line as an example to non-famous fatties in the long and testing road to a slim and healthy body.
What to say of you didn’t like it
Eight big arsed celebrities put their careers and credibility on the line as an example to similarly talentless ciphers of the degrading and abasing road to micro-fame.
What was good about it?
• It’s nice to see that Julie Goodyear is still alive, all the more remarkable when you consider she now looks like a human-sized trough filled with sodden white bandages.
• Dale’s self-consciously amusing catchphrase: “You can always eat, but please, don’t cheat.”
• The fatties are guinea pigs testing out the capabilities of a new “£20 million” sports centre which is asking for trouble in the same way as getting elephants to march across the Millennium Bridge.
• Fitness instructor Harvey who, although overdoing his austere caricature as times, is still the acute mouthpiece of the viewer when telling the slobs to stop making excuses and slim.
• Darts player Andy Fordham, the biggest celebrity in both senses of the word. The 30 stone behemoth is the most likeable of the mob largely because of his small ego, and he also offers a focus for viewers to cheer on.
• Dale Winton’s delightfully sycophantic presentation. “Panel, it’s so good to see you.” To Andy who wheezes while walking 300 metres: “I think you’re going to run through this.” “Kym, I predict you are going to be one of the biggest winners.”
What was bad about it?
• Again the appellation of “Celebrity” is a misnomer.
• Apparently Aldo Zilli qualifies because Leonardo Di Caprio has eaten in his restaurant. Presumably this means that the next series will feature a fatty who lives next door to Simon Cowell and occasionally lends him a bowl of sugar.
• Ditto Julie Goodyear. She has now been a nobody for so long stars have been extinguished in the heavens, and her nomination as team captain is akin to Queen being fronted by the skeletal remains of Freddie Mercury on their comeback tour.
• And Kym Mazelle who fills the Celebrity Fit Club Titanic-sized berth of the token anonymous American, which was filled last time by stroppy Amy Lamé.
• The dreary medical expert trying to brand the show with a solemn health message. (“Lives are at stake.”) People aren’t watching to see celebrities triumph over their obesity, they’re tuning in to watch fat people fall over in as many comical ways as possible.
• Harvey visiting the absent Ken Morley in Blackpool by helicopter.
• The fatties refusing to take responsibility for their flab. Julie Goodyear: “My metabolism has changed.” Paul Ross: “All journalists are scavenging bastards” Aldo Zilli: “Binge drinking and then a week of doing nothing.” Kym Mazelle: “I’ve got a bit of asthma.”
• Dale’s sycophancy straying into the ludicrous when he called the odious troll Lizzie Bardsley “a gorgeous girl”.
• The way in which “shit” (also heard on Dragon’s Den on BBC2), “piss” and “bastard” have suddenly become profanities acceptable before 9pm.
• Lizzie Bardsley from Wife Swap. Sometimes rebels can be hilarious and endearing, while others like Lizzie and Kitten from BB are simply annoying. Lizzie also seems to be a disciple of the Stan Collymore Church of Diminished Responsibility by excusing her obesity through ludicrous, impersonal analogies (“I’m Not Twiggy!”).