What to say if you liked it
Breeding programme for 12 “celebs” in the hope of creating a new generation of people to appear in Heat, on reality TV and at Stringfellows.
What to say of you didn’t like it
A mass grave of iniquity, amorality and bestiality that’s so putrid the palm trees, golden beaches and emerald seas of Fiji are making plans to leave the ruined island for a more habitable and less toxic environment.
What was good about it?
• The vicarious sadism of seeing Paul Danan consigned to the Love Shack with “Lady” Victoria Hervey – as pleasant as being trapped in an air tight cell with a lethal dose of nerve gas. Paul is delighted, though: We’re quite similar. We’re clumsy and don’t like reading.”
• Michael Greco lying flat on his back with a blindfold on and looking as though he’d just been executed by firing squad.
What was bad about it?
• The impression that the hook is some of the 12 people will have sex. There’s no pretence of games, tasks and bonding as in other reality shows – it’s about screwing and nothing else.
• Kelly Brook (nice dress) accentuating the word “celebrities” in her script as if trying to hypnotise the viewer that the human flotsam and jetsam on screen really are famous and noteworthy.
• The “celebrities” are largely anything but famous, not as bad as The Farm but their sum cultural contribution to Great Britain is Lee Sharpe’s left foot. While Jayne Middlemiss, Liz McClarnon and Judi Shekoni all seem personable enough, Rebecca Loos and Abi Titmuss seem like prototype people rejected by God for being too vulgar. And “Lady” Isabella Hervey has the same right to fame as a rejected Pop Idol contestant.
• But the most odious characters on the island are Fran Cosgrave and Calum Best who patrol the resort like the sort of school bullies whom you prayed would get expelled from school each morning in registration.
• The catchphrase: “Who gets hitched and who gets ditched?”
• The initial posturing from the “celebrities” as they jostle for camera time with ever more exaggerated elements of their personality such as Du’aine Ladejo softly gripping his glass to show off his muscles and Michael Greco and Jayne Middlemiss competing to see who can perform the weirdest yoga routine on a pedestal next to the pool.
• The clouds in the azure Fijian skies have more substance and are more memorable than Rebecca Loos and Abi Titmuss.
• That the conversations between the “celebrities” about their mutual “celebrity” acquaintances will inundate the ravenous tabloid gossip columns for the next two weeks. Last night’s highlight was the joust between “Lady” Isabella and Fran Cosgrave over his relationship with professional sewage Jodie Marsh.
• Patrick Kielty and Kelly Brook host the links as though they had both recently drowned in a tragic boating accident and are being voiced by drab monotone rehearsal tapes recorded by them in the event of such a fortuitous happenstance.
• The licentious camerawork that lingers over the disrobed bodies of the “celebrities” like a London pimp ogling his new batch of terrified Eastern European prostitutes.
• The subliminal mobile phone tones that go off when the numbers to vote a “celebrity” into the love shack were being listed.
• Paul Danan’s rant about how the government should introduce a law to prevent “the press” printing offensive stories about “celebrities”. We suggest the government actually introduce this law: no parasitical nobodies to soil our television screens ever again. Danan also uttered: “We are so lucky to be here. This is the most amazing gift from God.” True, but only if God is the sucker at ITV willing to cough up 15K to send him there (a cool 85K less than Abi is earning)
• Ancient Egyptian slaves who had their tongues cut out had more stimulating conversations that Abi Titmuss and Calum Best.