An apology: In our review of the introductory programme for the ‘Celebrity World Cup Soccer Six’ we stated that “The football on Sunday will be better”. Having seen some of the football, along with the overall presentation, we now accept that this claim was false and had absolutely no foundation in truth.
• Accordingly, we have offered our sincerest regret to anyone who read the review and sat down on Sunday to watch the Celebrity World Cup Soccer Six. We have agreed to be bound by law never again to recommend a programme that contains the following:
• References to bit-part actors who are known only for a role in a now defunct soap as ‘celebrities’. Example, Philip Olivier.
• Games of random lengths in order to fit around advertising breaks such as the England v Scotland game where the first half lasted eight-and-a-half minutes while the Iran v Ireland game was cut off at six-and-a-half-minutes.
• Notorious 3AM ‘girl’ Jessica Callan
• More than five discarded soap stars or 10 current soap stars. If the figure is exceeded, then our lawyers have made an arrangement with the Government that every soap star within the immediate vicinity be summarily culled to prevent such a virulent infestation from spreading and giving fatal delusions of grandeur to any two-bit actor who gets a job because he might be a bit ‘fit’ and upon leaving the soap (though it’s probably Hollyoaks) he returns periodically as though on an elastic leash as he can’t get work elsewhere.
• Mike McLean of ‘the Big Breakfast’.
• Big Brother winners.
A final note: If you don’t believe us how bad this programme is (and take it from us, it’s an object lesson as to why satellite TV has made TV go into an irreversible decline), then imagine Fatboy Slim’s video for Right Here, Right Now where a single-celled organism inexorably, wonderfully and proudly evolves into lizards, birds and apes before it plummets to a nadir with the obese kid with the T-shirt and sunglasses. Now take that philosophy and apply it to TV; the great evolutionary leaps from the BBC’s first broadcast, through the live play of 1984 with Peter Cushing, Cathy Come Home, I Claudius, Life On Earth, Edge of Darkness, Father Ted, Our Friends In The North, Queer As Folk and The Office. ‘Celebrity World Cup Soccer Six’ is the obese kid in the T-shirt and sunglasses.