1 The humiliation of medium Derek Acorah who threw out his usual mix of names with almost no response not even from a toothless old man who seemed to have only come into the studio for a bit of warmth or from the woman who performed The Laughing Policeman on Cilla’s 1970s BBC1 show and was given a second chance to humiliate herself. “We’re all big fans of yours,” Cilla told Derek as the camera cut away to three people in the audience who clearly didn’t have a clue who he was. “Isn’t he good?” cried Cilla, which was met by something that was miles away from even being awarded smattering of applause status.
2 The “Will & Grace of Doncaster” taking part in a gay Blind Date (something ITV was always too afraid of) so that the “Will” (without the wit, looks or confidence of his New York counterpart) could find a man. Mr Gay UK looked soooo delighted when he was chosen. We suspect that no digging into the pockets for change for the condom machine was required that night.
3 Cilla didn’t sing, but the equally foghornalike Heather Small did, unfortunately
4 The hilarity of Cilla’s claim that the best ever Radio 1 show is the one presented by Scott Mills (John Peel and Kenny Everett span in their grave at that point). Scott got to man Cilla’s Search Centre, reading out emails and pretending it was all so exciting.
5 Darius disguising himself as a nerd so he could surprise a fan – who turned out to be one of many tongue-tied members of the public unable to contribute more than a bit of monosyllabic muttering.
1 Cilla taking the mickey out of the accent of a woman from Dudley yet persisting with her ridiculously over-the-top Scouse (“please don’t swurr yurr on the urr”)
2 Cilla’s delivery of ‘jokes’ such as “It’s Cilla Live, not still alive. Black is back.”
3 The total lack of surprise when the mystery celebrity who had a Cillacam installed in their dressing room turned out to be Lily Savage
4 Simon Cowell’s puppets Il Divo (a slightly less freakish version of G4) singing My Way
5 The nerdy Mark’s first meeting with his internet love Candace. It was so obvious she’d be there, but he didn’t seem to realise.