The 11 celebrities in order of how useful they would be to Satan in his quest to usurp God.
1. Piers Morgan. We rarely pre-judge TV shows, but in this case Piers had bagged the number one spot as soon as we heard he was appearing. And there is nothing he could have done to stop it; he could have found a cure for cancer, he could have licked clean the world’s oceans of all pollution or rescued distressed children from dangerous wells.
Even if Tomas de Torquemada had taken a fag break from burning heretics at the stake to take part or if Genghis Khan had stopped pillaging long enough to bring the spoils of Kiev to donate to Red Nose Day, Piers Morgan (aka Piers Moron) would still be number one.
His nastiness is as fixed and consistent as the morning sun; the worst part is that he plays up to his loathsome image. In the boardroom, he chirruped as Sir Alan dawdled on his ludicrous boardroom throne: “Can we get on with it? Some of us are busy people.” “Shut up, Morgan!” Sir Alan snapped. “You’ve never sold anything in your life!” “I’ve sold seven and half million newspapers!” “You’ve sold lies!” We would have cheered if we thought this exchange hadn’t been arranged beforehand.
2. Alastair Campbell. Some colonies of ants enslave other colonies, and they eventually become so reliant on their thralls that they can’t even manage the most basic tasks, such as feeding, on their own. Years at the zenith of British politics seem to have eroded Alastair’s elementary skills as he needed Tim to replace some staples in his stapler.
It’s not long now before Jeffrey’s Law is scribed on to the statute books; a law that enables despised, ignored, irrelevant and/or disgraced public figures to slither into the public’s affections through a succession of appearances on soft-light reality shows to absolve their previous ‘crimes’ – and one of the prime beneficiaries will be Alastair.
He was the losing project manager but, to be fair, the task had as little to do with business acumen as military tactics were concerned with the Battle of the Somme; although had TV been invented a century earlier, Field Marshal Haig would have been given the chance of public forgiveness by donating a shilling for each soldier killed during the offensive as would have “all been for charity.”
3. Trinny Woodhall. The screeching irrelevance was at the centre of the most captivating scene when she stomped down to the ‘boys’’ hotel room to reclaim their chef who had been duped by Morgan into thinking he was working for them. As she tried to drag the bewildered Daniel from his clutches they became involved in a melee that resembled La Comtesse De Sang, Count Dracula and Joseph Goebbels in a triple-threat match at Wrestlemania. We might even have felt some sympathy for her but for her threat to the cowering Daniel that if he didn’t come with her that very moment he “would lose his job”. Which, of course, would have been morally OK as it is “all for charity”.
After she returned to the ‘girls’’ hotel room she wept, serving up the reality TV Holy Grail of the “Tear Shot”; you could almost hear the producers ‘whooping’ and giving out ‘hi-5s’ in celebration. Also, her overuse of the word ‘fabulous’ has led to the Oxford English Dictionary this morning ex-communicating ‘fabulous’ from the English language and exiling it to St Helena to rest alongside Napoleon’s grave.
4. Rupert Everett. Quit after a day when he realised that agreeing to take part in a television programme would mean being filmed by television cameras so that the programme could be broadcast on televisions. Before that he had pouted at everyone like Mount Everest peering down at the brave climbers about to try scaling his gargantuan ego.
As he sat nervously in the ‘boys’’ hotel operations room he claimed: “I’m frozen in front of a camera.” “But you’re an actor!” Alastair said. “But you need dialogue to be an actor,” came the precious reply. If he had stayed, he would soon have been decapitated by Morgan and his head stuck on a pike so the ex-tabloid editor could run around the fun fair with the promise of a prize of talking to one of Everett’s ‘A-list’ friends “for 10 seconds”.
5. Cheryl Cole. Seemed to be on a personal mission to prove how down to earth she is. On a visit to some rich woman’s palatial London home she was ostensibly flabbergasted when the women agreed to pay £150,000 for a ticket. “You could buy a house for that,” exclaimed Cheryl. Her shock would have been more credible if her husband Ashley hadn’t scorned a £55,000 a week contract with Arsenal and now earns anything between £75,000 and £90,000 a week at Chelsea. This also made his donation of £25,000 for a ticket to the funfair seem stingy, even if his wages are partly paid from funds allegedly snatched from the frostbitten hands of the Russian proletariat in the glorious capitalist free-for-all of Glasnost.
Cheryl also seems to have failed to grasp the rudiments of cookery and food preparation. Of fish she squealed: “I can’t believe anyone could eat anything that smells so vile.” Well, we can’t believe anyone would listen to something as vile as Walk This Way, an atrocity she contributed to. But, hey, that doesn’t matter as “it’s all for charity.”
6. Karren Brady. Led the ‘girls’ to victory by raising almost £775,000 “all for charity”. Sir Alan congratulated her on preserving her reputation, but it was a hollow triumph. The ‘girls’ effort had zero creativity and imagination and they won simply because they had richer friends. At the funfair even the promise of McFly couldn’t tempt anyone to go on the carousel, while their bar takings were only boosted when some over-rich fools started paying £20,000 for a glass of wine.
It was just people such as Simon Cowell who enabled them to raise so much money as he donated £25,000 for a ticket. Although he might be so contented by his ‘generosity’ he may need Anne Robinson (if she isn’t busy being pelted with wet sponges by the England football captain) to breathe on his heart to restore it to its regular temperature of -273.4 Celsius. But given that Cowell has recently said that he deserved a £250m contract, £25,000 is akin to you or I (assuming you aren’t either Cowell or a Goldman Sachs banker) flipping tuppence to a street beggar before gobbing in his cup of tea and setting fire to his blanket.
7. Ross Kemp. Was marginalised to the point of indifference. His only consolation was that he was comfortably the ‘hardest’ man on show at the funfair. His main competition came from Peter Stringfellow’s boa constrictor hair and Sir Alan, who showed up at 8pm and strode through the busy throng dressed in a black leather jacket resembling a Lilliputian bouncer.
8. Maureen Lipman. She delivered the best line of the show after she snapped as Trinny badgered her about how many funfair tickets she had ordered from the comfort of the hotel room while Maureen was toiling away in the kitchen. “I know you need to be organised,” she seethed, “but I’m here splitting f**king chicken.”
9. Tim Campbell. The Apprentice series one winner replaced the prissy Everett and became the ‘boys’’ dogsbody on account of the fact he wasn’t as famous and actually has done some hard work in the past decade.
10. Jo Brand. Another one who was marginalised, probably for being charismatic and amusing. She only really appeared dressed as a clown forlornly trying to attract customers to the ‘girls’’ food stall, but her role overall was as peripheral in a wedding as a fluttering balloon tied on to the back of the happy couple’s car as they speed off on honeymoon which is then popped and wrenched off at the first service station stop.
11. Danny Baker. Deserved to be on the winning side because he was both funny and likeable, and actually displayed some creativity and imagination absent elsewhere. It was his idea to get the coconuts on the shy painted by Tracey Emin to bump up their value.