The Comic Side of Seven Days, BBC3

by | Sep 27, 2005 | All, Reviews

The Top 7 highlights of The Comic Side Of 7 Days

1 – Seven Ways To Leave Your Iraqi (inspired by Paul Simon’s 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover)

Put his head in a sack, Jack

Tie him to a pole, Joel

Make him simulate sex, Rex

Pretend to urinate on him, Jim

Take a photo of his humiliation that might be used to incriminate us, Gus

Tell him he’s fat, Pat

Jump on his face, Alan

2 – A posh, toothy comic whose name wasn’t given commenting on Celebrity Big Brother: “I’m enjoying Celebrity Big Brother but it would be a really good idea if they did a celebrity version of it.” Also: “I’m waiting for someone who appeared on Big Brother to appear on Celebrity Big Brother which would actually break some fundamental law of physics and open a portal into Hell.”

3 – Mark Thomas on 24-hour drinking: “It won’t mean less fights. Just poorer quality fights.”

4 – Rich Hall on the photos of British soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners: “If you were seven years old, getting a lift on a forklift would be the dream of your life.”

5 – Mark Thomas on that big new Airbus plane : “Beauty salon plus turbulence equals Jackie Stallone.”

6 – Mark Thomas’s sarcasm about the Prince Harry Nazi fancy dress scandal: “Member of the Royal Family dressed as a man who believed he was ideologically and genetically superior to the rest of the world. Shock!”

7 – Mark Steel on prisoner torturer Charles Grainer’s claim that the pile of bodies he assembled was like a cheerleading team: “Who’s the boys who torture best? M-A-R-I-N-E-S.”

The Top 7 highlights of The Comic Side Of 7 Days, BBC3, Thursday

1 – Mark Steel on the Tory hysteria over immigration – “I was brought up in Kent and then I moved to south London. So the common sense argument is that people in my street should have gone ‘You’re not coming in here, stinking of hops and your cricket. Get out. I bet you’ve never even stabbed anyone. Out’.”

2 – Will Smith on the Iraqi election – “Full marks to Bush and Blair saying that the election will happen, come what may. It’s very like looking at the smoking remains of your house and saying ‘We’re still going to have that dinner party’. With the added irony that you started the fire and only invited people who hate dinner and parties.”

3 – Seven problem pubs named and shamed: The Rat & Chav, The Broken Arms, The Slutty Duck, The Stabbed Goose, The Dogging and Piking, The Slag & Lettuce, The Go On Kick Him Kick Him & Leave It Leave It.

4 – Rich Hall on the aborted Aurora cruise – “Most of the people on a cruise are so senile you don’t need to take them anywhere. Take them to the Isle of Wight and tell them they’re in Panama. Stick a sombrero on some locals.”

5 – Seven Ways To Leave Your Lover:

Just skip out the back, Jack

Stop him from getting a visa, Lisa

Hit him with a spanner, hannah

Fake your own death, Seth

Put him in a blender, Brenda

Feed him to a zebra, Debra

Jump on her face, Alan

6 – The hatred directed at Ciara’s dreadful number one single

7 – Rich Hall on the hunting debate – “Foxes are rats in expensive coats. What are foxes associated with? Evil, wily, conniving, duplicitous, Fox News – worst news service on the planet and the evilest.”

Top 7 highlights of The Comic Side Of 7 Days, BBC3, Thursday

1 – Mark Steel on cannabis – “Most dope smokers don’t want dope legalised. You don’t want to go to Tesco and have Tesco own-brand things and see Prunella Scales on adverts going ‘Every time you get an ounce of Lebanese you get a free box of Sugar Puffs.”

2 – Marcus Brigstocke on Michael Jackson – “Other paedophiles bear where Michael Jackson lives must be pretty upset. ‘Do you want to see my puppies?’ ‘Nah, Michael Jackson’s got a rollercoaster’.”

3 – Narrator Robert Webb – “Journalists asked whether Jacko realised he could get 10 years and he says he would be happy with any from seven to 12.”

4 – Seven Proposals to Come out of the Davos Economic Forum:

1. Give the poor malaria nets.

2. Give the poor malaria.

3. Give the poor to Bono.

4. Give the poor a purpose.

5. Give the poor a porpoise.

6. Create the fourth world so the third world feels better off

7. Shag Sharon Stone

5 – Jo Caulfield on George Bush – “He is spreading democracy a little bit like they do on The Sopranos. ‘Hello, Iran. Yeah, you’ll be getting your democracy from us. No. You’ll be getting your democracy from us’.”

6 – Finding anti-Semitic messages in Labour’s ante-Tory poster featuring Michael Howerd and Oliver Letwin holding a blackboard saying 2+2=5. Margus Brigstocke reckons the hidden message is: “Jew plus Jew equals hives.”

7 – Seven Emotions That Haven’t Been Named Yet: burziness, franger, gitolence, blunketty, pfaflessness, pisio, sheer unadulterated woy.

Top 7 Highlights of The Comic Side Of 7 Days, BBC3

1 – Narrator Robert Webb on the stampede at Ikea in Edmonton – “North London’s underclass descends on the Nordic plywood pimp like it’s a Burberry and pitbull convention. The flashpoint is a leather sofa on offer for 45 quid. Customers fight like pigeons over a chip.”

2 – John Oliver on the stampede at Ikea in Edmonton – “We now know the price of dignity. It’s £45.”

3 – Seven facts about gay penguins (the love that dare not squawk its name): the phrase Pick Up A Penguin means something different to them; they’re out, they’re loud, they’re p-p-proud”; they want to be treated like any other penguin; they have a higher household income than the average penguin; they are twice as likely to hold management positions; they’ll burn in hell; sometimes they become really famous.

4 – John Oliver on the Charles-Camilla wedding – “It’s the old, old romantic story of love at first sight. Followed by marrying other people. Followed by love at second sight. Followed by an extramarital affair, two divorces and a dead wife. Followed by love at third sight. Love at third sight. It makes you want to hug both of them.”

5 – Lucy Porter on the Charles-Camilla wedding – “At least they’re too old to breed.”

6 – Will Smith on the Charles-Camilla wedding – “Will Camilla eat her bouquet?”

7 – Seven Ways to Practice Safe Sex: just slip out the back, Jack; make friends with your hand, Stan; be unapproachably coy, Roy; try early withdrawal, Paul; just use your tongue, Kim Lee Chung; have sex on the net, Brett; kick her out of bed, Alan.

Top 5 highlights of The Comic Side Of Seven Days, BBC3

1 – Seven Things Pete Doherty Saw In Court: the courtroom sketch artist, the entire staff of NME, his heroin dealer, the inside of his own head, the judge turning justice up to 11, a big musical number and dock diving.

2 – Jo Caulfield on Ellen McArthur’s round-the-world record – “It’s her neighbours I feel sorry for: ‘Well, she came round with the sponsorship form so we thought we’d be neighbourly. Pound a mile. That’s our life savings gone now.”

3 – Marcus Brigstocke on speeding – “What they should do instead of speed cameras is install a Dido CD in every car and if you exceed the speed limit, Dido kicks in and you have to pull over into a lay-by for a bit of a liedown and a cry.”

4 – Seven Ways To Stop Speeding: take away their licences, take away their legseses, take away their tyreseses, increase the speed limit to a 100, increase the speed limit to a million, increase the speed limit to a gillion, Tanks!

5 – Danny Bhoy on the Brits – “One guy whose been doing very well in the charts recently is Elvis Presley so I’d imagine he’d be up for best newcomer at least.”

Top 7 highlights of The Comic Side Of 7 Days, BBC3

1 – Seven of the Queen’s favourite Cockney rhyming slangs: Dog & Bone = throne; Apples & Pears = heirs; Andrew & Fergie = lurgy; Dice & Yahtzee = Harry; Scratch & Itch = Camilla; My Brad Pitt of a Currant Bun = Charles; I Hate My Family = I Hate My Family

2 – The verdict on J-Lo’s number one hit – “I’ve heard pigs giving birth to car alarms that sound better.”

3 – Jo Caulfield on the Sudan 1 food scare – “It was found in barbecue chicken lasagna. None of those words should ever be next to each other. It’s like saying ‘steak and kidney fish’.”

4 – Lucy Porter on the dirty hospital scandal – “Maybe they should admit more people into hospital with obsessive compulsive disorder because they love cleaning.”

5 – Seven Names For Fox Hunting Now That It’s Obviously Not Like Fox Hunting: hox funting, hox tunfing, tox funting, for huxing, fot xunting, Phox hunting, fox hunting but without the being mauled by dogs bit at the end.

6 – The repeated showings of George Bush Senior banging his head

7 – Dan Glaister on the Charles-Camilla wedding – “Jade Goody had a classier wedding than this.”

The Comic Side Of 7 Days, BBC3, Friday 23 September 2005


• Simon Evans on Tony Blair’s condemnation of the BBC’s Hurricane Katrina coverage: “I wouldn’t say it was anti-American; more pro-hurricane.”

• Seven reviews of the new-sized Guardian: “Too big,” – The Times; “Too small,” – Daily Telegraph; “Too papery,” – The Economist; “Too cornery,” – The Independent; “Too gay,” – The Daily Mail; “Not gay enough,” – The Gay Daily Mail; “Newspaper of the year,” – The Guardian

• Reactions to the German election. “The result is chaos handled with ruthless German efficiency.” “It’s good news for the German graph and pie chart industry.”

• Seven aftershaves Pete Doherty should promote: Dumped by Kate Moss, Crackhead, Junkieshambles, Haemorrhage, I’ve Thrown Up My Spleen, Hepatitis C, Rehab

The Comic Side Of Seven Days, BBC3, Friday 27 September 2005


• Kevin Day recommends a change to the ball may help arrest football’s decline. “Let’s make it smaller, redder and give the players bats.”

• Kevin Day on Kenneth Clarke: “Cuddly old Kenneth Clarke is vice chairman of BAT. Not one of those quirky, everyday, family-run cigarette companies that don’t give Vietnamese kids cancer by giving them free cigarettes. In my book, giving kids cancer cancels out the suede shoes and the jazz.”

• Seven things the public thinks the IRA should do now: take on Al Qaeda; become good guy mercenaries like the A Team; after-dinner speaking; hold a massive second-hand balaclava sale; have a nice lie-in; open a pub; set up a Full Monty-style dance troupe.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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