Big Brother Panto, E4

by | Jan 5, 2005 | All, Reviews

What’s it all about?

Ten former housemates – Jade, Marco, Tim, Narinder, Mel, Spencer, Anoushka, Kitten, “Nasty” Nick and Victor – congregate to put on a performance of Cinderella.

What to say of you liked it

Ten television icons of the past decade engage in a show of stellar energy that would make our very own Sun blush at its relative dimness.

What to say of you didn’t like it

Ten globules of fat spat out of the frying pan of fame are scraped back off the tiled kitchen floor of obscurity and deposited back in the pan for a thankfully finite time.

What was good about it?

• The housemates selected are a potent menagerie of human toxins – Jade’s wilful stupidity, Tim’s classy odiousness, Nick’s privileged putrefaction, Spencer’s moronic laziness, Kitten’s counterfeit militancy and Mel’s delusional intellect.

• Victor is as loathsome as we remember. It’s like accidentally killing your favourite torture victim only for them to be resurrected so you can begin all over again. At the moment, he is acting like a free ire-o-meter that offers you the chance to build up the piquant sensation of rage from the comfort of your own home.

• Victor being taunted over his fragile masculinity for refusing to dress up as a woman, and responding with typical crassness. “I’m from a different culture. We like to see lesbians kissing.”

• They actually seemed to recognise each other, despite most of them being fainter than Pluto for much of the time since their inglorious exit from the BB house.

What was bad about it?

• When the housemates swept into the cottage on a sleigh, they didn’t continue straight into a deep furnace at the other end of the living room.

• Marco’s laugh, although thousands of coma victims have snapped out of their vegetative states since the broadcast at the behest of his shrieking caterwaul. But, alas half of them committed summary suicide as they thought they’d arrived in Hell.

• There were no subtitles for Jade even though it would have only required a maximum of 20 words to fully cover her stunted vocabulary.

• Mel trying to be liberal and cultured.

• Nick trying too hard to exhibit that he is still Nasty with forced and poorly observed criticism of fellow housemates.

• The phrase “very good” seems to have lost the meaning it has in the real world. Housemates used it to praise each other’s thespian abilities. “Abysmal” would have been a better adjective to describe the acting on show.

How old would the audience be if they were a giant face come to watch the performance of the Big Brother pantomime? About 14 and scarred with glowing human acne such as Jon Tickle, and host Jeff Brazier ran down the face like a bead of pus from a weeping sore.

The number of housemates who gave credible performances? Three – Marco, Tim and Spencer who all didn’t bother trying to act and were all the better for it.

How many fur coats could be made from Marco’s chest hair? 19.

The number of cellular fatalities if Marco and Jade’s brains collided. Zero, their brains sail through their dumb existences as lifeless as the Marie Celeste.

If the housemates were spokes in the wheel of a bicycle in the Tour De France, how many gruelling stages would they complete? Given their lack of determination they would drop out after the initial time trial.

If Narinder’s acting skills were made purely of dust, how many bin bags would the dustmen have to remove to the celebrity scrapheap? 129.

How many literary masterpieces did previous incarnations of Jade perhaps inspire? One, Heart of Darkness which details an allegorical journey into the depths of human stupidity.

If the sum of human knowledge was shone into Jade’s eyes how much would be reflected back? Enough to illuminate the wilfully darkened minds of those whom Jade has corrupted into believing that being an idiot is a virtue.

How many Posh Bombs could be injected with Tim’s snobbery so that they instinctively gain such distaste for the poor they only fall on salubrious districts, thus avoiding slums that can only possibly be home to innocent civilians? Six.

How much lifetime is robbed from people coerced into draining conversations with “Nasty” Nick? Eight minutes for each 10 seconds of conversation – you’d be better off chain smoking.

If Jade was leader of a pod of whales how successful would they be under her stewardship? An utter failure, as they would within days wash up on the beaches of the Island of the Terminally Untalented where the malicious cannibalistic inhabitants such as Abi Titmus and Dr Fox would devour the entire 10 tonne beast in the hope of consuming the milligram of talent inherent in Jade’s blubber.

How subtle are Victor’s sly looks? His pupils move across his sockets with all the cumbersome aggression of an imperialist army massing on its borders for an invasion of a peaceful neighbour.

How many pesky Trafalgar Square pigeons could Narinder stun with her hammy acting voice? To the point where a charge of genocide would be perfectly reasonable.

How far would Tarzan get across the jungle if his vines were made from the tolerance of the housemates? He’d break his neck after Victor’s vine disintegrated in his hand.

How safe would Derren Brown be if he loaded the housemates into a revolver for a Russian roulette trick? Completely safe, as none of them possess the corporeal substance to impact on a human being.

The number of rings the Dark Lord Sauron could forge from Spencer’s potent sloth to give to his enemies and keep them in a permanent state of laziness? 12.

If Mel was an Egyptian queen how many of her slaves could she convince to stay with her as she was entombed with her dead Pharaoh husband? None.

The number of joke farms that could make a sustainable living from Victor’s witticisms? None, they would all rapidly fall into a state of arid humourlessness (The Abbot Blight), and their jocular crops would fail year after year.

Such is Kitten’s talent for all living things to assume a natural aversion to her, how long would it take her to clear Antarctica of all indigenous species so an unscrupulous oil firm could despoil the natural habitat with huge oil wells? Six days, as despite Kitten’s ostensible militancy, her appearance in the News of the World illustrates her limited mercenary skills are open to the highest bidder.

If a building was made out of Marco, for how long would it stand? Not too long as it would persistently place enormous stress on its foundations when it felt compelled to transmute into the shape of a knife and stab rival edifices in the back.

If the words Narinder spoke and nobody listened to were carelessly flushed into the rivers how many tainted fish would crawl onto land and try to land a career as a television presenter? The queue of salmon at the BBC gates would stretch back to the River Severn.

If one of the Three Little Pigs built a house from Kitten’s argumentative justifications for her abhorrent behaviour, how long would it take the Big Bad Wolf to blow the house down? He could do it with a single, shallow breath.

If Kitten could be a star which would she be? An unstable Red Giant about to go supernova, so that when it becomes a black hole she can pettily suck in the attention from billions of miles around.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

05/01/2005

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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