Highlights

1 Countdown’s 2004 Christmas special, recorded in the mid-80s, with Richard giving Carol a massive mobile phone and Carol giving Richard Michael Jackson’s Thriller. “Such a clean-cut lad and never in any trouble.” The contestants are Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana.

2 David Blunkett arrives in Albert Square. “I’m ideal for EastEnders. I’m tough, I speak in clichés and I have an incredibly complicated personal life.”

3 The ad for Panto Direct, the insurance company dealing with pantomime-related injuries. Featured a testimonial from Su “Goldilocks” Pollard: “I took the furry scum for every bowl of porridge they had.”

4 Ozzy Osbourne performing at Proms At The Park, thinking it’s Glastonbury

5 The Queen’s Message available on DVD “packed with bonus features” including outtakes, on-set capers and the Japanese version. The message ends with: “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.”

6 Tanya from Little Angels tackles Regan. “A child possessed by Satan. We’ve all been there.”

7 After They Were Famous: Gandalf. “I never imagined I’d be typecast as a wizard. Same thing happened to Catweazle. Poor bastard ended up working in Threshers.” He auditions to be Santa Claus, but loses out to Brian Blessed whose booming voice startles a boy

8 Lesley Garrett Sings All Your Favourite Christmas Rows

9 Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie camouflaging himself as a small boy in order to spot Father Christmas

10 Norah Jones is ignored by dinner party guests

Lowlights

1 Crimewatch on the scourge of drunk shopping

2 George Bush on the Iraq election

3 Star Wars featuring the Auf Weidersehen, Pet gang

4 Tony Blair introduces a sliding scale of fines for drunks

5 The Time Team archaeologists rob a bank