How many sketches were witty vote winners, and how many were pathetic poll platitudes?
• A film depicting why John Kerry should be president. (“John has a CD collection of inspiring Aaron Copland music.”) Poll platitude.
• Fox News (“Keeping America scared since 1996”) where one banner headline revealed a link “between voting Democrat and cancer”. Vote winner.
• A spoof of Misery called Hillary where Hillary Clinton has her philandering husband tied to the bed for supporting Kerry, thus damaging her chances of being president next time. Vote winner.
• A character assassination of Michael Moore – “the social conscience of America” – called Taking The Michael, produced, directed etc by Michael Moore. Vote
• Fox News – “Dick Cheney announced the terrorist threat to America is so great there aren’t enough colours for all the necessary colours of alert”. Vote winner.
• A Republican anti-Kerry film. “We’re not saying he’d use his sharp chin to stab children. Just imagine if he did.” Vote winner.
• David Dimbleby is in Washington on the BBC junket where he and Peter Snow compare their hotel room whirlpools. Vote winner.
• George Bush carries out an impromptu speech in Leicester Square. Poll platitude.
• Fox News, where viewers are asked who is to blame for the recent bad weather – John Kerry or running mate John Edwards. Vote winner.
• A spoof of the West Wing. Poll platitude.
• ABC News bulletin in which Arnold Schwarzenegger gets increasingly desperate for Republican celebrity backers. Poll platitude.
• Another Republican anti-Kerry advert revealing he encouraged the reading of books while governor of Massachusetts. Vote winner.
• George Bush outlines his manifesto through the medium of hip hop. Poll platitude.
An address from Osama Bin Laden where he states that Bush should be voted out, that cuts to Donald Rumsfeld handing him a cheque. Vote winner.
• Channel 4 boasting about the Simpsons. Poll platitude.
• ABC News reporting that apathetic citizens are to vote for Bush just to see if Kerry’s face could get any longer. Poll platitude.
• Michael Moore continues his own masochistic film about his failings. Poll platitude.
• ABC News says the CIA, after studying Osama Bin Laden, has concluded he is “paranoid, delusional and a Capricorn with a good sense of humour.” Poll platitude.
• The Apocalypse Now spoof where Kerry journeys into “the heart of darkness” to seek Bill Clinton’s endorsement. Vote winner.
• Bush denies he was receiving guidance during the TV debates. Poll platitude.
• Another Republican anti-Kerry advert that blames him for the increase of “monsters in your cupboard”; a menace for which Bush has pledged three billion dollars to combat. Vote winner.
• David Dimbleby interviews a police officer from the town of Small Minded Florida, who is one of the Ku Klux Klan who states his intent to intimidate black residents into voting for Bush. Vote winner.
• ABC News report on a poll in Britain that saw Homer Simpson voted the fictional character most Britons would like to be president of the US. Frasier Crane was second and George Bush third. Vote winner.
Totals Witty vote winners: 13; Pathetic poll platitudes: 10.