Desperate Housewives Series 2, Channel 4

by | Apr 12, 2006 | All, Reviews

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, Wednesday 18 January 2006

Top 10 highlights

1 – The bitchy fighting between icy-calm widow Bree Van De Kamp and Rex’s overbearing, overwrought mother Phyllis, culminating at the funeral when Bree replaced the orange school tie Phyllis had put on his corpse with more sober attire taken from Lynette’s husband Tom.

2 – Andy Van De Kamp on Bree’s decision to ban Phyllis from the funeral – “I’m sure she was a real bitch. But she’s family; that makes her our bitch.”

3 – The embarrassment faced by the priest as Bree and Phyllis bickered over the funeral arrangements

4 – Lynette Scavo being hired by an ad agency despite the reluctance of Nasty Nina Fletcher. “I chose not to have a family,” she told Lynette at the interview. “I didn’t want to be one of those women, sloughing things off on to co-workers because of a paediatric appointment or dance recital. I get really neurotic about putting people out.”

5 – Another appearance for one of Bree’s welcoming cookie baskets as she introduced herself to new neighbours the Applewhites (the pianist mum and gorgeous son whose secret is a prisoner in their cellar)

6 – The struggle between Susan, Mike and an armed Zach, resulting in a shot being fired, with the stray bullet smashing the whisky bottle held by alcoholic Ida Greenwood as she tottered along the street, looking for a sign from God to tell her to give up the booze.

7 – Susan’s slapstick scene in the hospital with her mouth stuffed with cotton wool

8 – Gabrielle’s shock resistance of hunk John, even though he was just in blue boxers

9 – Gabrielle’s forging of the paternity-test result to fool jailed husband Carlos into believing he’s the father of the child she’s expecting his child

10 – Bree’s oh-so-wrong announcement that “No one really cares about what goes on behind closed doors.”

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, Wednesday 25 January 2006


• Susan’s angry strut down Wisteria Lane after finding out her ex spent the night with Edie Britt (“that peroxide vulture”) – and her perfect aim with the newspaper to bring down nasty newspaper boy Danny

• Phyliis pouring out her sorrows to the dry cleaner – and his other customers “We had no warning. I was doing dishes when I heard” – while Bree remains as buttoned up as ever.

• Bree lays into her sobbing mother-in-law: “For God’s sake, Phyliis, don’t you ever worry about dehydration. Even Italians take a break now and then.”

• Bree slapping Phyllis after another display of emotion in a restaurant

• Gabrielle – “Why are all rich men jerks?” Carlos – “Same reason as all beautiful women are bitches.”

• Betty Applewhite becoming increasingly weird about the prisoner in the cellar

• Lynette and Tom’s fight over the dirty bedsheets

• Edie Britt rollerskating and confessing to Susan: “I should have told you I was doing your ex. You know what I’m like when I drink Tequila. Couple of shooters and my bra unhooks itself.”

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, Wednesday 2 February 2006


• Bree recalling previous incidents when maddening mother-in-law Phyllis had suffered memory lapses, forgetting (“Did I not mention that?”) to warn Bree about pins left in dresses, chairs being painted and floors being waxed.

• Gabrielle lusting after a topless John and getting so upset when he shagged client Joan that she lopped off all the flowers in her love rival’s garden. “Someone had to tend to the garden.”

• Lynette using her firm’s video-conferencing technology so that she can “attend” Parker’s first day at school.

• Gabrielle taunting Carlos with the range of John’s love-making. “Gently, savagely, frequently, upside-down”

• Gabrielle’s decision to buy an Aston Martin

• The bloodshed at the Applewhite residence when the man in the cellar escaped

* Bree packing Phyllis’s many bags while the old bag was making her breakfast

• Bree’s lie detector revelation (to herself) that she loves the creepy George

• Lynette knocking the hot coffee mug into nasty Nina’s lap

• The hideous performance by Edie and Julie at the church’s family recital

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, Wednesday 8 February 2006


• Lynette’s battles with little Parker’s imaginary friend, a British nanny called Mrs Mulberry

• Bree’s horror when Andrew plans to go out in a scruffy T-shirt: “Every time you leave this house, you represent this family.”

• Bree’s horror when Andrew plans to avoid a dinner party she’s got planned: “You don’t know the lengths I’d go to for even seating.”

• Swimming trunk hunk Andrew getting the better of creepy George (so we therefore hated when creepy George got the better of swimming trunk hunk Andrew)

• Carlos’s swift undressing when Gabrielle turned up for a conjugal visit

• Susan’s slapstick moment when she chased Zach through the park while carrying two ice creams

Desperate Housewives, Wednesday 15 February 2006

• Lynnette finding a way of getting boss Nasty Nina to relax a bit: taking her to a singles bar and getting her laid.

• Lynnette trying to get out of being lumbered with taking Nasty Nina to a singles bar every night. She eventually came up with a winning idea: dancing raunchily on the bar to KC & The Sunshine Band to overshadow Nina so she’d no longer want her as a pulling partner

• Flesh being put on the bones of the Applewhites story: so it’s Betty’s “slow” son in the cellar, imprisoned there because he killed a girl back home

• Bree freaking out, for once, when she discovered Rex had written a letter that betrayed her. “For the love of God, I used to check his back for acne.”

Desperate Housewives, Wednesday 22 February 2006

• Ghastly George moment of the week (1): “That was my tongue. It extends longer than most people’s.”

• Ghastly George manipulating Bree into having sex

• Nasty Nina dissing Lynette’s attire. Lynette responded by splashing out $900 on a new suit and claiming it was one she’d found in the wardrobe – a lie exposed when she left the price tag on.

• The neighbourhood gathering hen Paul Young returned and Susan called the police

Desperate Housewives, Wednesday 1 March 2006

• Gabrielle’s desperation to impress Alison, Holly and Yasmin, her model friends from New York, by squeezing into a tight blue dress. “When they see this dress, they’ll crumple to the floor like the Botoxed hags they are,” her camp couturier told her. But Gabrielle had to give her gardener a raise to get him to force her into the dress so she didn’t look pregnant. “Oh my God, you’re pregnant,” screeched her friends the moment they saw her.

• The sequence showing how Lynette’s twin sons became personas non grata: they fooled one kid into believing he could fly, made another cycle blindfolded, and played Toss The Brick with another kid – but Lynette then found a mother with equally rowdy kids who could take her boys off her hands once in a while

• Lynette’s discomfit about finding a home-made porno tape starring her new friends

• Edie’s disappointment that Susan isn’t devastated about being bumped by Mike

• Susan’s big mistake: having sex with her ex

• Ghastly George moment of the week: He coerced Bree into accepting his wedding proposal (with his mother hanging around in the background with champagne at the ready) and his murder of the psychiatrist who put doubts in Bree’s mind about going ahead with the marriage

Desperate Housewives, Wednesday 8 March 2006

• Bree’s horror when she’s cutting out a coupon from the newspaper and spots a picture of her on the reverse because George has gone against her wishes and publicised their engagement.

• The poignant aftermath of Gabrielle’s miscarriage. While Carlos sobbed and turned to violence, she refused to be upset: “I go shopping; you rip toilets out of the wall.” But ex-con Ramos eventually made her confront her sadness by letting go of a balloon

• Nosey neighbour Mrs McClusky using a tazer-gun on Steve, Lynette’s office boy who she’d recruited to prove that her sons would eagerly jump in a stranger’s car if wooed with candy.

• Susan’s mother: “You’re ruining my wedding rehearsal.” Susan: “You’ve been married four times; I think you’ve got it down.”

• George’s downfall when Bree danced with ex-boyfriend Ty, sending the creepy pharmacist into a jealous rage

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, Wednesday 15 March 2006


• Bree’s accuracy with the shotgun when she blew up the amplifier lovesick/just sick George was using to sing Don’t Give Up On Us on her front lawn.

• Lynette standing up to nauseating Nina – and getting one-up on the bitchy boss when she caught her shagging cute-but-dim Stu

• Gabrielle gives a rave review following sex with the newly-released Carlos. “That thing you did at the end totally blew my mind,” she told him. “Please don’t tell me you learned that in prison.”

• Bree’s detective work in which she finally realised George threw Dr Goldfine off a bridge and killed husband Rex

• Susan’s latest slapstick moment: giving her birth father a heart attack.

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, Wednesday 29 March 2006


• Bree’s battle with son Andrew after seeing him kissing hunky boyf Justin (and snapping a champagne glass in her hand such was the shock). Andrew – “You look angry. One of your soufflés fall?” Bree – “What will the neighbours think?” Andrew – “I hope they think I’ve landed a hottie.”

• Andrew’s reaction when Bree threatens to tell the police. “If the cops come, my official position will be, ‘Oh my God! I’m being raised by a homicidal maniac’.”

• Glen Campbell’s Rhinestone Cowboy blaring from the car of the man who was staking out the Applewhite’s home but then died when he fell through the rickety stairs in the basement and whose body was then found in the boot of his car when Lynette crashed into it, swerving to avoid Susan who was distracted by the fight between Mike (hooray) and Paul (boo)

• Lots of kissing

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, Wednesday 5 April 2006


• Susan’s slapstick moment number one when she crashed heads with her awful date, a man who made a joke out of everything including telling her she didn’t look a day over 50.

• Susan getting all gooey with Dr Ron and even faking an illness to get his attention (only for a real illness to emerge when she went for an MRI)

• Susan’s slapstick moment number two when she struggled to put on the dust cover in the MRI room.

• Edie – “I don’t trust friendly women.” Lynette – “That’s alright. They don’t trust you either.”

• Julie to Susan – “Mum, you’re hot and funny and nice and clearly desperate and guys are into that. Play to your strengths.”

• Ralph the gardener chopping off the finger of colleague Luis when Gabrielle exposed herself on the verandah

• The new easygoing Carlos goes to get the webmaster to remove pictures of Gabrielle (“I was freakishly flexible when I was young”) from his porn site. But Carlos lost it when told the pictures weren’t popular. “When it comes to cyberloving, nobody’s gonna waste tissue on that,” he was told. Cut to the siteowner being thrown through a plate glass window to the amazement of Gabrielle who’s waiting outside. “That’s my guy,” she smiled.

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, Wednesday 12 April 2006


• Gabrielle seeing off “conniving little bitch” Sister Mary Bernard who’s been despatched to Alaska but not before a terrific catfight in the church in which Mary’s clothing caught alight and Gabrielle out out the flames with a ‘Jesus Saves’ banner

• Edie tempting Karl to the bedroom and tying him up, so that she could watch an old movie instead of the ballgame

• Bree – “Danielle! Question – Is there a black man hiding under your bed?”

• Gabrielle in the confession box – “I told a fib. How many Hail Marys is that gonna set me back?”

• Susan’s worried look when surgeon Dr Ron was unable to cut into the steak she’d cooked for him

• Gabrielle – “I’m not some uterus in high heels.”

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles


Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!


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