Fashion Victim Support, BBC3

by | May 2, 2007 | All, Reviews

Did we like it?

“You will be annihilated in the past as well as in the future. You will never have existed.” – O’Brien to Winston in 1984.

“Aisha is clearly warming to our way of thinking. But we’re insisting on new hair and make-up.” – Angela Buttolph, Grazia magazine.

What was good about it?

• The Prosecution, headed by Angela Buttolph and Stefan Lindemann, will enslave the vital songs of Thom Yorke to engender their own dogma with a false aura of imagination and individuality.

What was bad about it?

• The Prosecution will adopt a policy of cruel abasement to coerce those not thinking the correct way to think in the correct way. “In a world where it’s never been easier to look good, how can so many people get it wrong?”

• The Prosecution shall usurp the conventional meaning of words in the English language so that “Our methods are tough and unconventional” masks their true intentions of forcing everyone whom they experiment on to become the embodiment of sterile convention.

• The only testimony on the qualifications and validation of the Prosecution will be presented by the Prosecution themselves.

Stefan: “We’re two of the world’s leading fashion gurus.”

Angela: “Stefan only has to feature something on one of Grazia’s pages for it to sell out in literally minutes.”

Angela: “Stefan and I can stand in a room and tell where everyone gets their clothes from – and their jobs, too.”

• The fashion sensibilities of the Accused (Aisha) shall be ritually humiliated for the viewers in order to eliminate all of her credibility and to ensure a blind obedience to the diktat of the Prosecution. Angela: “Aisha… is completely clueless. I’m just amazed she hasn’t caused an accident dressed like that.”

• The Accused shall also be someone who shares the same arrogance of the Prosecution with regards to her personal style, but who to the viewer will lack the specious credibility of the Prosecution because of the earlier character assassination yet who retains a sense of individuality compared to the mass-market conformity of the Prosecution.

• The Prosecution will erode the self-confidence of the Accused away initially through a pseudo-friendly patronising attitude. Aisha: “I think I look quite cool, actually.” Stefan: “Aaah, bless you!”

• The Prosecution, despite ploughing a desperate furrow into middle-age, will employ the vernacular of youth to inhibit the perception of their cultural obsolescence. Angela: “It was so a mistake! Check it out!”

• People who are in fact cerebral clones of the Prosecution – “members of the public, fashion journalists and designers” – will be marched in to further humiliate the Accused. Cliché-obsessed anonymous fashion zombie number one: “It’s like car crash fashion.” Cliché-obsessed anonymous fashion zombie number two: “The only way to save that outfit is throwing it in the bin.”

• Any indication that the Accused is failing to be swayed to the edicts of the Prosecution shall be treated as if a crime against common sense. Angela: “Clearly, this girl is still in denial!”

• The Prosecution will ensure that their highest calling – extorting money from the public for clothes they evidently do not need – is not neglected. Angela: “Skinny jeans is so last season!” However, flared jeans are “on-trend” this season and the Prosecution needs to coerce as many of their disciples as possible to buy them now, in the full knowledge that next ‘season’ they too will be as outmoded as ‘skinny jeans’ are presently.

• The Accused shall be taught that any independent thought that they may ever have had has actually been planted in their mind by the Prosecution, who will seek to confuse the Accused further through the use of nonsensical verbiage. “Maybe you don’t realise that one of the reasons you like it is that it’s sort of in fashion at the moment; it is part of the Zeitgeist.”

• As the Accused starts to think as the Prosecution wants them to think, the Prosecution will take every chance to remind the Accused of how abhorrent they once were. Angela: “Aisha is moving from tramp to vamp!”

• In order to create an impression of horror to further cow the Accused, the Prosecution (Angela) and one of her acolytes (Lauren Murdoch-Smith) shall position their eyebrows on their forehead midway between their hairline and eyes as if mimicking Polynesian fishing vessels marooned in the mid-Pacific.

• After her will has been broken, the Accused will be sheltered in the Ministry of Grazia where she will be encouraged to make up her own outfit which can later be shaped into a noose through which she is able to slip her neck and execute any last vestige of individuality.

• Now fully enveloped into the Prosecution’s philosophy, the Accused must pass one last test. Failure to adhere to the teachings of the Prosecution will result in absolute humiliation in a den where everyone already thinks along the same lines as the Prosecution. Success will result in the absolute erasure of all traces of individuality.

Angela: “Me and Stefan are attending a really cool and exclusive fashion party. You can’t less us down or you won’t get past the door.”

• The Prosecution will arrange a false sense of peril for them to ensure that the now fully-brainwashed Accused adheres to their instructions.

Angela: “We’re going to be telling everyone she’s our little fashion protégé. And if she ends up looking rubbish that looks bad for us.”

• The Accused is then indoctrinated further into the ideology of the Prosecution through vacuous introductions to the high priests of the fashion industry. Angela: “Anyone who is anyone is here!”

• As a conclusion, the cliché-obsessed fashion zombies offer their refreshed opinions on their new disciple. Cliché-obsessed anonymous fashion zombie number three: “It’s so on-trend!” Cliché-obsessed anonymous fashion zombie number four: “She’s wearing the clothes – they’re not wearing her!”

• The cliché-obsessed anonymous fashion zombies, having served their purpose of indoctrinating Aisha to their dogma are led out to be melted down to a constituent plastic morass to be used in the manufacture of showroom dummies for the future glory of the fashion industry.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

02/05/2007

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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