So bad it’s – well, bad. I didn’t catch the first series (can’t imagine why), but couldn’t help catching the hype, as ITV milked the allegedly “shocking” storylines about coke-snorting adulterers, inflammable breasts and improbable sexual liaisons for all they were worth. This week’s series two opener made me wonder if I’d got the right channel, because instead of the promised feast of excess, it seemed to be a cross between a dull episode of Hollyoaks and the off-pitch bits of Sky’s Dream Team.
The show should really be called Footballers Houses, because the curiosity value of the Beckingham-Palace locations is about the only reason for spending an hour watching it rather than, say, cleaning out the fridge. The characters are neither believable nor bizarre enough to be interesting, with the three wives sufficiently unattractive to be Spice Girls but lacking the real Girls’ sparkling personalities, and their husbands looking and acting like the cardboard-cutout Dream Team cast-offs one of them actually is. The club manager, meanwhile, is a dour Scandinavian with glasses. How incredibly original.
With a line-up as unengaging as that it doesn’t matter how shocking the storylines are; they’re of no interest either. Not that they were shocking, anyway – this week’s were a mishmash of every hackneyed, overdone soap theme in the book, centering on the most overdone of all, the who’s-the-father, given-it-up-but-regretting-it, bringing-it-up-as-theirs baby routine. The producers obviously hoped that giving the baby two sets of genitals would somehow make the story fresh. It could have had ten, and this would still be a grindingly obvious, clapped-out plot.
This show would look bad alongside almost anything, but this week it was particularly unlucky. The most salacious moment of the evening had already happened, pre-watershed, when The Bill’s Dirty Sergeant Phil Hunter pimped his own wife to save his skin. And the supposedly hedonistic, glamour-obsessed wives were totally upstaged by the real-life Essex Wives who appeared after the news. That left Footballers Wives exposed for what it is – a third-rate ragbag of clichés that’s too scared to live up to its own publicity. Chardonnay? More like melon-flavoured Hooch.
Thursday 23 February/2 March 2006
Did we like it?
Without Tanya or Hazel, Footballers’ Wives is almost unwatchable. The likes of Bruno (unless he’s undressed and sweaty), Amber (even with crazy make-up) and nauseating newcomers Tre and Liberty (Puff Daddy and Naomi Campbell) don’t have the ability to carry the series – so until Tanya reappears in episode five, we’re not expecting to get more than just a mere flicker of enjoyment from this hitherto TV classic.
What was good about it?
• The opening two episodes did throw up a few good lines.
“He’s so full of s**t, you could fertilise the pitch with him,” – Bruno on Tre.
“You’re made of plastic, you are. Maybe Harley buggered off because he got fed up with shagging a lilo,” – Darius to Shannon.
“Conrad would want to help and, as his ambassador on Earth, I want to, too,” – Amber to Bruno
” “Well, s**t the bed!” – Callum’s mother when she met scantily clad Shannon
• Shannon is our current favourite character, showing lots of compassion and a fine figure when she stripped off to impress callow Callum ‘Gawd Blimey, Geezer’ Watson
• The suitably lacklustre ceremony to name the Conrad Gates Memorial Stand (surely it should be made entirely of wood to be a proper tribute)
• The Shannon-Amber catfight
What was bad about it?
• Bruno’s story-so-far monologue. “You know me, I play to win.” And Bruno’s sobbing. “I’m a walking disaster. Everything I touch turns to s**t.” Pathetic, man. Get a grip. You’re so soft you should be playing for Crystal Palace.
• Lucy’s outfits (especially the one when she looked like Madonna in the American Pie video)
• Amber’s tiresome devotion to mumbo jumbo, with her home-made shrine and adherence to the Derek Acorah school of nonsense: “Conrad’s spirit is not at rest, I can feel it. This poisonous energy’s dragging me down.”
• Dodgy acting by many in the cast, especially Laila Rouass as Amber
• New signing Tremaine Gidigbi: nice arse shame about the clothes, the bling, the shades, the chip on his shoulder, the chat-up lines (“Why you chasing vanilla when you can have chocolate chip?”)
• Tre’s girlfriend Liberty who is supposed to be a supermodel but looks like a sad dog which has just been run over by an ice cream van
• Garry Ryan is just loathsome – getting two heavies to snap Darius’s leg was just too callous. Love-to-hate villains only work if they unleash their cruelty on devils who deserve it. And Gerry singing Can’t Take My Eyes Off You wasn’t funny or entertaining.
• The ill-fated Pride & Prejudice Bruno/Lucy wedding was a poor imitation of the series’ previous dazzlingly tacky dos. The only good thing about it was Tre and Liberty’s scene-stealing appearance dressed as slaves to fit in with the 18th-century theme – ‘It ain’t about pride for us – it’s about prejudice.”
• Little Angelica is still in it; but Amber’s baby mysteriously isn’t
Footballers’ Wives, ITV1, Thursday 16 March 2006
• Tremaine’s reaction to the scandal when a tabloid splashed news of Liberty’s lesbian luvvin’ with PA Urzula (“You’ve got her tit in your mouth!”)
• Tremaine and Liberty pulling the wool over the eyes of Richard & Judy by pretending their relationship was still strong
• The conclusion of the Amber v Bruno storyline, with Amber donning more peculiar make-up and gunning for Bruno. Luckily Lucy stopped the mad-eyed psycho cow from succeeding in her mission to destroy.
• The trailer showing that TANYA’S COMING HOME
• Another stupid party hosted by Garry
• The Shannon-Callum love story. All very sweet
Footballers’ Wives, ITV1, Thursday 23 March 2006
• The return of thrice-widowed Tanya Turner with her diamonds, her fags and her cocaine habit. We loved the slutty move with her legs (and the drink chucked into the crutch) she made on the plane to attract the attentions of Paulo ‘Brazilian Golden Boy’ Bardosa and her battle with Paulo’s lover, bitchy old publisher Eva de Wolffe (Joan Collins). “Maybe he’s got a fetish for support tights,” she suggested before sabotaging Eva’s stiletoes, leading to a spectularly ambarrassing fall.
• The ostentatious wedding of Tremaine The Tight-arsed Hunk and Liberty The Lesbian, offset by rough old Trisha (“Bloody helll! Can’t shift Pernod and black for love or money.”).
• Callum’s taste in T-shirts
• Ghastly Garry wasn’t in it.
Footballers’ Wives, ITV1, Thursday 30 March 2006
• Tanya’s horror when she sees the photo of her stuffing her face in Ava’s Glam mag
• The Tanya v Ava battle. Examples: Tanya: “Thick skinned me.” Ava: “Maybe you should use a better moisturiser.”/Ava: “I was made for the opera.” Tanya: “Panto more like.”/Ava: “Don’t f**k with me, Tanya. If you do, you’ll lose every time.”/Ava: “What manners they taught you in slut school.”/Tanya: “Grandma, put your bifocals on.”
• Chavvy cancer faker Trish being invited on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. “I’m not fussed about the cricket to be honest.”
• Tanya getting a shag out of Paulo in a box at the “National Opera House”
• Ava going nuts, wacking Paulo with a rake and throttling Tanya
• Tre’s pink hat
Footballers’ Wives, ITV1, Thursday 6 April 2006
• Tanya’s smug look after getting her man – Brazilian soccerstud Paulo
• Tanya’s horrified look after realising her man was a Brazil nut (“I’m a man, not a dog. I deserve to be punished.”)
• Paulo’s torso but not his girlie hair or his horrible neckerchiefs
• Blind Roger Webb plunging to his death down a handy lift-shaft
• The exposure of chavvy cheating “cancer victim” Trisha after she claimed that a trip to Lourdes had cured her (“The virgin actually entered my body”) but couldn’t avoid arousing Shannon’s suspicions when she refused to see her consultant (“I thought you’d be desperate to find out if the Virgin Mary really did make off with your cancer”)
• Tanya to Garry – “I don’t do pensioners.”
• Tanya advises Lucy to have an abortion – “It’s no worse than a colonic if you get it early doors.”
• The new high/low in nonsense for the series when a drugged-up Jackie encountered psychedelic movies and donkey sex at Garry’s place
• Famous last words moment of the series. “Nobody ever has a bad time at one of Tanya Turner’s parties,” she bragged, just before everyone did, especially her
• Lucy the Fashion Designer’s terrible taste in clothes (Barbie circa 1972)
• Tre’s forgiveness of ugly cokehead Liberty
• The Lucy-Bruno arguments
Footballers’ Wives, ITV1, Thursday 13 April 2006
• Shannon getting punched and Liberty getting bottled at Callum’s nightmarish birthday party at Centurion
• Tanya to Garry – “You lardy old hasbeen. I’m through shagging old men for pocket money.”
• Tanya’s nightmare featuring glimpses of all the people she’s ever wronged
• Tanya swigging vodka straight from the bottle while looking like S Club’s Jo O’Meara
• Callum shagging a slutty groupie up against the empties outside Centurion
• Tanya falling for Garry’s suggestion to invest all her cash in a red-hot share tip (the company went bust, of course)
• Liberty wooing Shannon into snorting cocaine
* Coked-up Shannon writhing around Callum Best
• The clumsy attempts at humour when ugly old Liberty jetted off to Tokyo to make a stock cube commercial with a cannibal theme.
• The clumsy cliffhanger: will Garry Ryan get Tanya Turner to snort the poisoned cocaine? We’re not bothered, to be honest
Footballers’ Wives, ITV1, Thursday
Player ratings (episode one)
Tanya Stole the show from the moment she emerged in her sparkling stilettos, puffing away on the ever-present ciggie. Niggled away at Amber throughout the game, starting off by blowing smoke in her rival’s hair. But instead of swapping shirts after a bruising encounter, she swapped babies instead. She’s never one to over exert herself – she simply inspected her long, white nails while undergoing a Caesarian operation, then demanded a voddy and tonic moments afterwards, then insisted “I’m not having this baby hanging off my tit!” – so there’s always some energy left to pull off a decisive move late in the game.
Nurse Dunkley The Uriah Heep of necrophiliac nurses stepped off the substitute’s bench and scored several points for assists as she developed a fine understanding with Tanya to outwit the hapless Amber. Played a key role in the baby-switch manoeuvre which left Tanya with Amber and Conrad’s baby (named Troy), and Amber with Tanya and Frank’s offspring (named Pundarik aka Ricky aka, according to Tanya, Poppadom).
Amber More solid than last season, trying her best to stand up to opponent Tanya, but still being caught out of position time after time after time. Had one small triumph, retrieving the most valuable item from the pants of one of the black hunks Hazel had hired as living jewellery trays to put a smile on the wives’ faces.
Conrad Gave the sort of performance we’ve come to expect from probably the worst actor to ever appear in a primetime ITV drama. His horrible new bog brush hairstyle failed to excite us and he lost points for claiming rape victim Katie was “some bint trying to jump on last year’s bandwagon” (an allegation that can equally be levelled at the writers for concocting a plot mirroring last year’s Leicester City roasting scandal – which ended when rape charges were proved to be unfounded, yet still raised issues about footballers’ behaviour)
Hazel A great shock. Gone are those evil little touches she’s displayed in previous series. Instead, she’s been practicing morality, standing up for gay Noah (“You could be this year’s gay rights poster boy”) and laying into the Earl’s Park players after one of them raped Katie (“One of you is a sick bastard. I hope your balls shrivel up in shame and drop off.”) Even when she paid off rape victim Katie, she managed to make it look like she was doing the girl a favour – and that takes admirable flare and cunning. Her best contributions included wolf-whistling for a cab and getting the shamed players back in the tabloids’ good books by having them pose with disabled kiddies (“Sparks Have Hearts”).
Noah A great disappointment – apart from his funky new hairstyle. He could have been a trailblazer for all those gay players in the Premiership (we know who you are) but chose to turn his back on homosexuality by going to The Church Of The Found where he indulged in ceremony which seemed a bit like a wet T-shirt competition in front of the comedy vicar from Nighty, Night.
Darius Used to be known for his innocence and callowness, but he turned in a display of leering perviness before returning to type when he tackled Noah over his homosexuality.( “What do you do sexwise? I’m interested. They never taught that at school. Do you actually kiss like it’s a girl?”)
Roger Webb The manager is no Jose Mourinho or Sven Goran Eriksson. Lacks intelligence or maturity (“she’s a slag on the make” he said of the rape victim). Unlike Micky Adams who returned from Leicester City’s shameful trip and got his side to win a game, Roger’s line-up flopped 3-0 to “United”.
Jackie The veteran ratbag managed to achieve her goal – getting a chunky ring out of Rancid Roger – but was otherwise remarkably (and thankfully) quiet in this opening appearance of the season.
Harley Shone on the golf course as the players took a break in Spain, dazzled in his pink shorts and won over the crowd with those lovely little cute faces he pulls.
Shannon Still as useless as ever, modelling cherry-topped cakes with sweaty old bakers before trying to get back into Harley’s good books.
Bruno The new signing has all the boorish qualities one expects in a Premiership player these days – he’s cocky, stupid, sexist and has a terrible 1980s haircut. But he does pay great attention to detail – making wife Lucy log every mile of her motoring so there’s no chance of her ever getting one over on him. Not the sort of replacement for Kyle that we’d hoped for.
Lucy Yet another nice-face-shame-about-the-brains signing for the series. Prone to letting husband Bruno get away with murder. “Bruno did ‘is nut, bless ‘im.”
Krishna the Dog. Pulled off the decisive move of the game – smothering baby Pundarik in a last-minute death-by-pug shocker.
Player ratings (episode two)
Tanya and Amber The Keiron Dyer and Lee Bowyer of the line-up clashed yet again. Amber stood her ground (“I’m not going to be sitting in some s**tty little rented flat while you two play mummies and daddies”) allowing Tanya to lay some punches. Amber did manage one flailing attempt at retaliation (comparing Tanya’s breast milk to raw sewage) before the pair reached an uneasy truce that we know will not last.
Harley and Shannon The lightweight midfield duo caught the eye (thanks to heart-shaped, rose petal-festooned portraits of the pair), but Shannon was caught out when it came to cooking for Hazel’s birthday party and had to rely on a substitute, roly poly Anthony Worrall Thompson. Shannon also displayed woeful naivety when wine tasting (“What does it smell of?” “Wine”), while Harley worked hard on the wings, trying to give support to rape victim Katie.
Katie Jones The new signing was preferred to veteran Miss Rigsby, who hates smoking, and three young guns – the fat girl who loved the Sparks, the young girl who Conrad fancied and the young guy that Tanya fancied. Got caught out of position several times, leaving her exposed to a naked Conrad and then all the players displaying their pert, tattooed bottoms. Prone to faking injury. That fainting attempt was pure Jurgen Klinsmann. But also capable of biting tackles. That courgette cutting was of Razor Ruddock quality.
Conrad Was almost convincing early on as a grieving father, but as the game wore on his performance weakened, largely due to his total inability to deal with any emotions (a gently raised eyebrow does not count).
Hazel After dominating the first outing of the season, she put in a quiet display but organised a decent defensive wall when Bruno tried to infiltrate her women-only birthday party.
Noah A great disappointment again. He’s started to talk like Frank Spencer now he’s under the spell of the the comedy vicar from Nighty Night. He’s still good at keeping an eye on his fellow players, though, especially Conrad’s arse.
Darius Displayed more perviness that he’s obviously picked up during the close season when he suggested a trip to Stringfellows and leered at the lapdancers.
Roger and Jackie Caused one burst of excitement with their wedding, but were generally inconspicuous.
Bruno Should have been booked for that early foul (telling wife Lucy “you look like a gippo”) and definitely deserved a red card for reducing wife Lucy’s clothes to ashes.
Lucy Got badly burnt (at least her clothes did) after defying instructions from husband Bruno.
Krishna the Dog/Nurse Dunkley After putting baby Pundarik Apollo Gates out of the game (and into an ostentatious grave), Krishna is on the transfer list and Nurse Dunkley has been summarily dismissed (she’ll probably end up at Millwall, knowing her love of sickly, comatose bodies).
Player ratings (episode three)
Amber Had the crowd gasping when she very nearly scoring a winning goal (“that’s my baby” outburst at the Greek-themed christening of Troy) but Tanya pulled off a flukey save (“she’s got a screw loose”). But Amber’s bearing down on goal again and Tanya’s bound to get beaten this time.
Tanya She was at sixes and sevens tonight, almost being caught out by Amber and close to losing her grip on Conrad and Troy. Relegation beckons.
Harley Indulged in some Bowyer-Dyer “handbags” with Bruno, but otherwise continues to delight the crowd by being the nicest Premiership footballer ever
Katie and Shannon Formed a formidable understanding but still lack the killer touch to unlock the defences of the rape suspects
Conrad Rubbish as usual.
Bruno Still showing the sort of thuggish tendencies that should land him a deal at Newcastle if Hazel gets her way and sells him. Burned wife Lucy’s clothes yet again and came out with the sort of cliché that makes him future management material: “It was time for a wake-up call.” Reacted badly when he was branded a rapist by team-mate Harley
Hazel Made mincemeat of Bruno when he raced in with his threat-to-sue-Harley challenge (“If I was prosecuting counsel, I’d have your dick on a stick”) and when he tried to avoid a red card with his sob story (“Got an ‘ankie? I’m fillin’ up here.”)
Noah Seemed to be losing the upper hand to randy Bethany. Will almost certainly be exposed when he ends up in the sack.
Darius All at sea in his yacht Seaduction and tied up in knots by canny Katie.
Roger and Jackie Making up the numbers yet again.
Lucy An ostentatious display on Bond Street, replacing her ashen attire. Only to see it all go up in smoke yet again. After limping away from that tackle, Shannon slid in (“Eight years married and you’ve only got one kid!”) to leave Lucy writhing in agony again
Pundarik The death-by-pug baby almost made a return to the side when Amber scrabbled at his grave with the ice bucket.
Player ratings (episode four)
Amber Scored the goal she craved (thanks to a DNA test that proved Tanya had swapped the babies) to knock her bitter rival out of the competition. Celebrated by holding a rather nutty namkaran naming ceremony for her baby but refused to accept a celebratory hug from husband Conrad. Took his house instead.
Tanya She was over the moon for much of the match (engagement announced, flashy ring, front page of The Mirror), but ended up sick as a parrot when defeated by rival Amber. She attempted a fightback (threatening to reveal Amber’s drugs’n’orgies past) but it was nowhere near enough to clinch the desired result (Conrad) and she ended up being transferred to foreign soil. There she finds herself playing under the sort of obese, blinged-up manager we haven’t seen since Ron Atkinson retired.
Darius Katie kept him tied up in knots until he successfully pulled off a dummy (pretending he was dead) and escaped her attentions. But, in the style of Paul Scholes and Robbie Savage, she sought instant retribution, aiming a harpoon at his rear (the sort of foul we’ve yet to see in the Premiership but is probably prevalent in Scotland). Fortunately for Darius The Rapist, she missed the target but he’s been reduced to a jibbering wreck by his cleverer opponent. The only good thing to take from this performance was that his lovely white trousers amazingly escaped being stained when he wet himself. Maybe boss Roger should make him take an urine test.
Katie Spent the whole game putting intense pressure on opponent Darius The Rapist, especially after he claimed: “You were just lying on your back, handing out invites.” Her tactics certainly bamboozled the player whose lack of intelligence has always been his weak point. “If this is some sort of kink, it’s turning me right off,” he moaned when he was tied up and at her mercy. Katie ended up being transferred to Mother’s Home Athletic.
Conrad So wooden even the goalposts are warming up on the touchline in the hope of replacing him. Had a chance to score when he tried to strangle Tanya, but even the harshest of referees would have kept their yellow card in their pocket because it was such a poor effort.
Bruno Like David Beckham, concentrated on his off-field interests (nightspot Nabakov’s Cocoon). Successfully shrugged off the attentions of GMTV’s Richard Arnold.
Hazel Sporting a lovely purple and pink strip but, like Tanya, struggled against Amber, who forced her to participate in the namkaran and revealed she was now an Elm’s Park board member. It’s evens stevens for the pair at the moment, but Amber looks like she’s got into a position where she can take the upper hand.
Harley and Shannon Making more of an impression these days, but they seem to lack that telepathic understanding such midfield partnerships require (she wants to be a docusoap star; he doesn’t)
Seb (“I’m better than good”) Joined the team, not on the strength of his ability to juggle a ball for a few minutes in Manchester, but because his dad Roger is the Elm’s Park boss. Now the pressure’s on. Will he succeed like Nigel Clough did for dad Brian? Or will he flop like Darren Ferguson did playing for father Alex? The youngster seems to have plenty of arrogance (and moles on his face) but that may not be enough in the big league.
Noah He’s still playing hopelessly out of position. He’s stuck on the heterosexual wing (fighting off randy Bethany) when he really wants to be back on the homosexual wing (getting buggered by Conrad).
Baby Phoenix (previously known as Troy). Secured his place in the line-up, thanks to the shrewd defensive plans devised by mum Amber (CCTV, a security coded door, an egg-shaped cage-cum-crib).
Player ratings (episode five)
Amber Allowed effete agent Tristran to dribble past her with the sort of ease Cristiano Ronaldo reserves for clumsy defenders. “The music industry isn’t interested in you. You’re just not hip,” he told her.
Even Peter Andre outclassed her. “I could be your Mysterious Girl,” she purred, only to see him brush her aside.
Persistent Amber was still determined to score – and she was clear through on goal when she got to make a pop video for Bhangra Bootie – but she made a complete hash of the chance by failing to dance properly, failing to sync with the appalling lyrics (“Do you think lady rhymes with maybe?”) and coming up with the worst record since Status Quo sang on Man United’s behalf. Her worst performance of the season.
Conrad Remains as convincing as a Michael Ballack dive.
Harley Caught by the docusoap cameras as he dealt with a zit in the most embarrassing soccer moment involving a spot since David Beckham in Euro 2004.
Shannon The sort of player who revels in the spotlight. Dismissed the female fans who turned up at training (“Us wives are too busy to stand around looking desperate”) – the same sort of derision Premiership stars reserve for Division Two journeymen. Her moment of glory (an amateurish late-night cable channel airing for her docusoap) went unheralded – all her pals were in bed or maybe watching Dutch Soccer on Five instead.
Darius The Rapist’s season is in tatters. “Take your nappy off and put some effort in,” moaned manager Roger. “Limp dick bastard,” spat a girl he’d failed to get it up for. “I’ve got all these conversations in my head,” he complained (maybe he picks up Five Live via his funny ears). Ended up sobbing in the shower while still in his kit. A bad case of the Collymore Collywobbles.
Seb Scored within two and a half minutes of coming on yet no-one called it a fairytale debut or dubbed him a supersub. Have these scriptwriters never read a tabloid?
Bruno Got himself caught up in a feud with newboy Seb and allowed a bunch of illegal immigrants to breach his defences in a most embarrassing manner.
Roger Webb Tried to emulate Alex Ferguson’s attitude to the media by his crazed display of camera rage.
Hazel Tried to draw Amber and Lucy over to her side of the pitch by claiming it’s so much easier to play on the lesbian wing. “You don’t know what your missing, ladies,” she told them as they drifted back to the heterosexual wing.
Noah One minute he’s on the heterosexual wing, with Bethany all over him; next minute he’s back on the homosexual wing, lusting over Seb and masturbating to gay porn involving a plasterer in a messy shirt (that’s wasn’t plaster on his shirt, by the way). But Noah’s trying to be more disciplined and he took desperate measures to ensure he doesn’t stray again, stapling his arm in a clumsy attempt at aversion therapy.
Player ratings (episode six)
Conrad Like David Beckham, tattoos have become more important to him than tackles. After a scene where we were led to believe he was being buggered with a gag in his gob but without mercy, he emerged with a bloody back, containing the words AMBER (which we assume stands for Always Making Bisexual Exertions Randily) and PHOENIX (which we assume stands for If He Nicks Any More Of Becks’ Characteristics, It Might Not Just Be The Blabbing Nanny That Gets Sued).
Shannon The gloryseeker in the team was forced into the greatest act of charity since the Charlton defence conceded four to Manchester United when she adopted a nutty granny. Like a soccer starlet thrust in among grizzled veterans, she claimed: “I’m really down to earth just like them. Only younger and nicer.”
Harley This player needs to be much more amenable to the media (Alan Shearer’s available for lessons). “Not everyone wants to be on the telly,” he told wife Shannon. “Now you’re just being stupid,” she told him.
Amber Looks like scoring with Bhangra Bootie (“the sophistication of Western culture meets the spirituality of the East”), with help from Dr Fox (“I can imagine the kids shaking their booty around,” he said. Perve!)
Lucy Lost any shred of confidence she may have had when branded a “dumbass housewife” and “stupid bitch” by her husband Bruno
Bruno Allowed some Azerbaijanis to slip past his defences at Nabakov’s Cocktail, but still holding firm against wife Lucy – and anyone else who upsets the brainless moron.
Seb The Junkie Relegated to the bench. Tried to emulate Wayne Rooney by making a move on old slapper Jackie.
Hazel The chairwoman laid down the law to manager Roger: “I don’t just buy, I also sell and sack.” Unwilling to get excited by the internet stripping fireman – or stop smoking even during Lucy’s dinner party.
Noah and Darius Must be playing in the reserves as they weren’t fielded this week.
Player ratings (episode seven)
Sebbo “The next Wayne Rooney” aka “a flipping tadpole” impressed Jackie with his prowess up front and looks like he’ll be able to trick his way into her box before long
Webbo Roger ranted his way through the episode, taking on Hazel, Seb and Jackie, but losing out to them all
Lucy Looks like she’ll be transferring from Wife Beater Athletic to Dashing Doctor United. But maybe she should heed Amber’s warning that while her doctor lover may be a real gent, “so was Harold Shipman apparently.”
Harley Off form after a sleepless night caused by annoying Nan, but looked lovely in the bobblehat she knitted for him
Hazel More no-nonsense tactics from the lipstick lesbian. Promised to Roger: “I’ll come down on you like the big bastard brother of your worst enemy.”
Bruno Cost Earl’s Park a victory by giving away a penalty, costing him a chance at “the Holy Grail” aka that cup competition that no-one pays much attention to any more
Conrad Showed a bit of steel, standing up to Roger and getting a nasty little cut as a result as the mad manager threw a drinks container at him in a Fergie-like outburst.
Jackie The only player to win any silverware (a crappy necklace saying Amore). In addition, she has also won the heart of Seb but lost her patience with Roger after Seb’s pants-by-post trick.
Amber Pretty anonymous but looks like she’s cooking up trouble of Malcolm Glazer proportions for the club
Lionel Blair A late substitute called on to boost a flagging episode. Displayed the sort of fancy footwork that Cristiano Ronaldo would be proud of but was somewhat regretful when he killed off Nan.
Player profiles (episode eight)
Roger Shouted a lot to keep us awake during an episode that was about as exciting as a goalless draw in Division Two on a drizzly Monday evening and there’s no pies left
Lucy Involved in a tedious on-off transfer saga involving Giles (probably psychopath) and Bruno (definite psychopath).
Bruno Failed to mark wife Lucy adequately, allowing her to roam freely
Seb Flirted with Jackie like he’s Ashley Cole and she’s Chelsea. Got into her box and scored.
Jackie Was looking terribly glum after conceding from Seb’s set piece
Darius, Harley and Noah Were they playing? Made no impact.
Conrad Dispatched to Spain for being an “overpaid tosser” in his manager’s eyes. So we’ll see the back of the squeaky-voiced chap who is supposed to be a sex symbol but is lower on our must-shag list than Iain Dowie and that spotty guy who used to play for Manchester United
Hazel Did us all a favour by getting rid of Conrad. Produced the only decent quote of the night: “I swallow up middle aged men and then spit ’em out”.
Amber Reached sixth place in the table (with “East meets West hybrid” Bhangra Bootie)
Shannon Not in the side tonight. Not missed.
Player ratings (episode nine)
Lucy Made an ill-judged transfer from Bruno to Giles by clambering down a ladder made from sheets and had to return with her tail between her legs (much like Ian Rush when he went from Liverpool to Italy). Giles (a male version of Dickens’ Miss Haversham) locked Lucy in his semi, drugged her, forced her to indulge in TV’s weirdest wedding ceremony (with daughter Angelica tossing confetti like something out of a horror movie and the congregation and vicar on a pre-recorded video) and nearly gassed her in the garage.
Bruno Always tries to mark his opponents tight, but went too far when he attached a transmitter to Lucy’s necklace (“You need a shrink, you wacko,” she said when she found it). And Bruno showed Didier Drogba-like recklessness when he failed to line up his shot and blasted Conrad’s guts.
Hazel Her reign as chairwoman is sadly over but she went out with great performance. “I’ve got some serious PMT needs taking care of,” she announced before showing off her new girlfriend Jools, a tennis player disguised as a Wurzel (“You should see her forehand,” Hazel sniggered) and then screwed up Amber’s world domination plans by selling her shares (“Sorry to ruin your little coup d’etat. You’re a sneaky little bitch.”)
Seb Kitted out in a Sex Pistols shirt, Seb turned on his anarchist and antichrist traits by trying to have a repeat performance with his “favourite toy” Jackie and then turning the tabloids on to dad Roger when he got thrown out. “I’m the best thing that ever happened to Sparks,” he insisted before selling a story in which he claimed his father had willingly taken photos of Seb shagging his stepmother.
Shannon Ended the season sustaining a terrible injury. The recoil from the gun at Bruno’s shooting party wrecked her breast implants (“I’m gonna be a frigging 34A again.”)
Conrad His transfer to Real Madrid is off. Instead, he’s going to Heaven United after being shot dead by blundering Bruno. Shocked us when blood splattered the wall rather than the splinters we’d expected.
Amber Performed like AC Milan; scoring early on with her plans to undermine Hazel but ultimately losing out big time in the shoot-out.
Harley Contemplated a transfer from Harley to Katie before Shannon’s boob calamity forced a rethink.
Noah Completed a transfer back to Homosexuals United when he went to a sauna and bumped into his fiancée Bethany’s dad (except we didn’t get to see that bit – the scenes were removed because stupid ITV cut a 90-minute finale down to an hour to fit in more Celebrity Love Island)
Darius Barely registered. It’s hardly worth him turning up to play these days.
Highlights of Footballers’ Wives Extra Time, episode one
1 – Amber’s brilliant display of grief when the doctors told her Conrad had succumbed to his gunshot wounds. “He was only 27. Only people in Africa die at that age,” she wailed, before coming to her senses. “Can you make sure my hair and make-up artists get to the hospital,” she insisted before facing the cameras where she announced: “I have to get on with my music career, so if there are any record producers out there who want to help me…”.
2 – Bruno, fresh from killing teammate Conrad and getting Lucy to provide a false alibi, being confronted by the twin offspring he never knew existed. Thankfully, they’re nothing like the pony-loving ribbon-wearing brat Angelica; Yasmin and Rees are 16-year-olds from the hoodie-wearing, happy slapping generation.
3 – The gratuitous flesh shots. Bruno was needlessly topless in one scene while new character Ollie was shown naked, tied to a bed with his large member snaking over his thigh. He then had a vacuum cleaner attached to it and had to have ice thrown over him to get rid of his erection when it got stuck.
4 – The gratuitous bad language. “You bloody w**ker” and “You arsehole” cropped up early on as Lucy discovered Bruno had killed Conrad. And we also got: “S**t, this is f**king mega, man” from yobbo Rees when he arrived at the mansion of his estranged father.
5 – The death of dastardly doctor Giles and the arrival of Tanya Turner’s ice queen sister Anika Beevor and 1970s rock guitarist Garry Ryan (previously Garry Demon).
Highlights of Footballers’ Wives Extra Time, episode two
• Conrad’s Indian-flavoured funeral being treated as an exciting social occasion and a chance to exploit the media coverage by merry widow Amber, Bruno’s chav kids Rees and Yasmin, and a dressed-up-to-the-nines Annika.
• Amber getting angry with one of the monks when the funeral pyre refused to blaze (“You can’t even get a bonfire right, baldie”) so the guests had to resort to lobbing petrol bombs to cremate Conrad (a man who was so wooden, it’s a surprise he didn’t spontaneously combust)
• Amber collecting Conrad’s ashes – “I’m having him carbonised, turned into a diamond ring because that’s what he was, my rock.” But then a drunken Rees spilled champagne over the remains so Amber had to collect more ashes before she could have her ostentatious prize.
• Bruno exploiting his newly acquired kids – who he regarded as a pikey and happy hooker – to get some good PR. But he told wife Lucy “As soon as all the fuss has died down, it’s good riddance to the trailer trash.”
The conflict between rocker Garry and his cokehead son Ollie. “You greedy little prick. I’ve created a monster.”
• Shannon tells Harley she’s not keen on joining him now that he’s off to Madrid (it’s in the middle of Spain, by the way) – “I’d go mental lying on a beach all day. I had a paella once and brought the lot back up.”
• Amber trying to arouse a flicker of interest in Flame In The Darkness “my song for Conrad”.
• The Amber-Annika clash that was as vicious as those memorable Amber-Tanya tussles. “Tanya always managed to find an old sucker to bleed dry. “It certainly beats milking a corpse.”
Highlights of Footballers’ Wives Extra Time, episode three
• The playlist at Angelica’s sixth birthday party, featuring DJ Otzi, Aqua and S Club 7. Such taste for one so young.
• Angelica getting out of her nut on E.
• Seb dressed as a bear in his attempt to seduce chavvy Yasmin (“I’m good with my hands. I’ll show you if you like.”)
• Shallow Shannon’s sad little face when she found out about Heartthrob Harley (or Har to her, because two syllables would be far too much for her brain) and his plan to whiz off to Madrid with Katy.
• Druggie Ollie feeling up his father Garry when he climbed into his bed and didn’t realise his old man was asleep after shagging Anika.
Highlights of Footballers’ Wives episode four, ITV2
• The weekly debate over who is the most hateful character. Bruno, the chav twins and Anika were strong contenders but this week’s winner was six-year-old E-overdose survivor Angelica The Brat.
• Bruno’s skills as a father. “F**kers like you need locking up,” he told Rees, all because Angelica The Brat had nicked the lad’s E.
• Anika emulating her sister Tanya’s seduction of Frank Laslitt by wooing loaded, lardy Garry. “I will be screwing him, but not in the bedroom department.” Garry deserves to be robbed, simply for wearing a leather coat and leather trousers – clothing items that scream ‘loser’.
• Yasmin’s ultra-chavvy performance at the posh restaurant on her date with Seb. “Get off you perv,” she yelled when the waiter tried to help her out of her jacket. She then ordered “Chabliss”, put ketchup on her oysters and screamed: “S**t the bed” when she saw the size of the bill. To satisfy the little urchin, Seb had to take her down the chippie. “Better than that fancy foreign muck,” she announced while stuffing her face.
Highlights of Footballers’ Wives episode five, ITV2
• The reappearance of Yasmin and Rees’s foulmouthed mother Joly for whom everything was either bleedin’ or f**kin’.
• Anika’s taunting of Michelle, the receptionist at Rampant Sounds (“dreary dogsbody” according to Anika) who looks like a drag artist but was apparently Garry’s bit on the side in the past
• Ollie’s friend Ed’s idea of a good time – Scrabble, tea and cocaine.
• Anika’s sickened look when she had to succumb to Garry’s advances on the boot of the car he’d bought her
• The inclusion of Air’s Cherry Blossom Girl on the soundtrack
Highlights of Footballers’ Wives Extra Time episode six, ITV2
• Lucy is a little annoyed that Bruno has bought ex-wife Joly a ring – “How do you think I felt when that tart was flashing her rock in my face?”
• Seb and Yasmin are annointed by the tabloids as “football’s new glamour couple”.
• Oliver to Anika – “You created this f**ked-up fairytale, sweetheart. Have you lost your appetite for geriatric cock already?”
• EastEnders reject Marc Bannerman doing his best to emulate Gordon Ramsay as a raging chef. “If I tell you to shove a broom up your arse and sweep the floor with it, that is what you do,” he barked at reluctant new employee Rees.
• Seb’s stool rage when temporarily dumped by Yasmin – and his morose mood, accompanied by Badly Drawn Boy
• Bruno tracking his wife and daughter to Spain after deviously inserting a tracking device in little Angelica
• Ollie and his stupid posh mate deciding to call their party organising company Chukka Ent.
• Garry forcing Anika to take part in some dogging while wearing monster masks in an underground carpark.
Highlights of Footballers’ Wives Extra Time, episode seven
• Cash – yo thug boy!
• The claim by Garry Ryan, the man with a face like a pie crust, that “there’s a lot of Ryan fans out there” so he only wore a monster mask while dogging to keep the starf***ers at bay. Later, he’s caught being Botoxed. “I only have the odd jab.”
• “We really should get this place feng shuied.”
• Michelle the Rejected Receptionist versus Anika the Flavour of The Month. Come on, Michelle. You may be an old hag, but we’re on your side.
• Channelle, chav Yasmin’s best friend. When Yasmin wanted Channelle to give a lift to bloodied Seb, she shrieked: “That is well gonna dirty my seat.”
• Rees being beaten up, ticked off for spoiling the wontons and locked in the freezer. Oh, and flashing his hairy chest.
• The laughably uncool Chukka Ent club set up by Oliver (worst TV actor ever) and Ed (clichéd upper class twit).
Highlights of Footballers Wives’ Extra Time , episode nine
• The horror of seeing Oliver and Ed (how we hate that posh prick) lying naked on a table covered in seafood for a raunchy hen party. Ed didn’t mind too much. “Having sushi nibbled off your nads by a fine piece of arse like Zuki – there are worse ways to earn a living.”
• Seb dumping his latest girlfriend (ambition – to open a nailbar) to get back with chav Yasmin.
• Michelle’s face when the engagement ring she thought was getting was given to Anika.
• Michelle throwing her fish and chips at the TV as she played back Garry Demon’s sordid dogging videos
• Oliver to Anika – “You’re gonna f**k an old man for the rest of his life just as long as the cashpoint stays open.”
• Music by the Killers, Babybird, Stretch and Betty Wright
Highlights of Footballers’ Wives Extra Time, episode 10
• Garry Ryan can’t get it up because Anika wants a baby. “No point wasting it,” Anika consoles him. “I’m not at my moist fertile for six days yet.”
• The pensioners’ speed dating event – the least speedy speed dating ever
• The Anika v Michelle battle
• “Louis says he can get Ronan to sing at our engagement party.”
• Michelle’s shrine to Garry, the man she loved but left her when she turned into a drag act lookalike
Footballers’ Wives Extra Time, ITV2
• Mad Michelle destroying her shrine to Garry but then setting about killing Garry’s bird Anika by putting pills in her coffee (“I’m on detox,” Anika said as she handed it back) and then cutting the brakes in the car. Sadly for us Michelle fans, she was hoist by her own petard when the runaway car crashed into her.
• Anika survived the crash, but lover Garry discovered she was making a getaway from him – and he didn’t look happy.
• Rees looks petrified and feigns a headache when he gets the chance to shag Chanel, but when she realises he’s a virgin and promises to take it easy, he gets the hang of it quickly enough.
• Chanel’s verdict on her romp with Rees. “You got all the moves but you just need to put them together.”
• “Pete Flaherty has overdosed on heroin.” – Wonder who the scriptwriters had in mind.