Friday Night With Jonathan Ross, BBC1
1 Peter Kay A stunning performance full of cross looks, pitying looks and despairing looks aimed at Jonathan. His singalong with Four Poofs And A Piano (Starmaker and Amarillo) was “TV gold”. The only negative – all those shots of Fatboy Slim pissing himself with laughter in the green room. What was he on?
2 Pierce Brosnan. A bit too smooth for our tastes. But at least Jonathan Ross managed to get him to admit how sad he was about being bounced out of Bond – “I was gutted because I was set up to do a fifth. They invited me back, and they changed their minds half-way through negotiations.”
3 Gwen Stefani. Not quite as interesting as the sullen, silent Oriental girls who came with her
1 Barbara Windsor. Great fun, even when talking about her illness. She’s still a superstar so it’s a bit sad that she was on to plug an exercise video (in which she’s accompanied by a “lovely little hot black guy”)
2 Geri Halliwell. Not as shallow as you’d think (although her new single is). Looked good. Charming.
3 Sarah Michelle Gellar. We were fascinated by her odd-shaped nose but she was quite dull unless you’re interested in Japanese toilets
1 Ringo Starr. Was good to see someone who hasn’t done that chat show circuit hundreds of times before. Getting guests to chop at Jonathan’s hair should become a regular feature. And at last someone’s complained about having to swivel round to look at the screen.
2 Rob Brydon Good value as usual. Best anecdote was the tale of how he died on his arse on Parkinson.
3 Frankie Dettori. He seems to be adopted as a national treasure, but we just find him silly.
1 Graham Norton. A better chat show guest than host. Told amusing stories about Strictly Ballroom Fever (“I’ll do some handholding and mocking”), fashion (“I don’t think I’ve got bad taste, I’ve got no taste”), Raquel Welch (“She’s a bitch”), Lindsay Wagner (“Horrible old cow”), his book (“easy to wrap”) and his sex life (“I’m shagging out f my league.”)
2 Bjork. A looney tune (with bellringing and rapping), a crazy outfit and that endearing speaking voice (no-one else makes the phrase “700 metres of fabric” sound so exotic).
3 Duran Duran. Amused when they dressed Jonathan as one of the Wild Boyz. Good musical performance.
1 Lee Evans Loved his mimicking of Jonathan and his description of dancing with your Nan – “like shifting a wardrobe round a small bedroom.”
2 Minnie Driver Loved the tight jeans even if Jonathan thinks they’ll give her diseases only yoghurt can cure. She’s got quite a nice voice for those missing Everything But The Girl.
3 Stephen Fry Boy, he’s put on weight but he’s still as insufferable/loveable and he had some good stories about JK Rowling
1 Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman. The biker boys had entertaining tales to tell of their Long Way Round trip
2 Geoffrey Rush. So there is one unassuming Australian! Deeply pleasant but not much of a laugh
3 The Hives
4 Nancy Sinatra. The blonde version of Joan Collins was boring on the sofa and boring behind the mic.
1 Cybill Shepherd Such a mucky lady. A Mae West for the 21st century.
2 Paul Bettany He’s got the potential to become a precious little luvvie in years to come but we quite liked his dry wit (especially his likening of babies to drugs “You smell bad, you get no sleep and you spend all your money on them.”)
3 Robbie Williams. His new single Radio wouldn’t get within a million decibels of a playlist if it was by anyone other than him. But it was so so lovely to hear Angels yet again.
4 Trinny & Susannah. Not much fun despite the magic knicker removal and the breast fondling.
5 The plastic cup that Jonathan failed to flick into an upright position.
1 Kim and Aggie Jonathan’s forté is teasing guests in a surreal manner– and he went to town with the How Clean Is Your House? pair (“I bet under your bed its old bras and crusty knickers”). Comparing Kim to Herr Flick and Dumbledore was spot-on.
2 Ray Winstone What a geezer. Nice to know he’s comfortable being regarded as a “big gay bear”
3 Malucci the dead ferret
4 PJ Harvey. Although we’ve always preferred PJ & Duncan because we’re a bit frivolous
5 Gary Lineker An interview with 0-0 written all over it
1 Tim Robbins. Despite being the victim of poisoned Hollandaise sauce, he was intelligent and amusing while discussing his career highs (The Shawshank Redemption) and lows (Howard The Duck).
2 Noel Gallagher (“the new Damon Albarn”). Once he’d run out of childish arrogance, he became quite funny, especially explaining why he doesn’t have a driving licence.
3 Ian Brown. He’s still doing that bow-legged strut and his music hasn’t changed much, either. But that’s not a bad thing in his case.
4 Josh Hartnett. Charming but needs to brush up on his anecdote-telling skills. We did enjoy Jonathan’s fantasy about Josh’s phobias “Imagine if you were put in jail with a shark.”
1 Christian Slater Sparky and witty. Best bit was when the pair talked about their mutual love of Star Trek and Slater revealed he wore William Shatner’s hand-me-downs in the Star Trek 6 movie.
2 Jack Dee The usual narky banter between the pair. Highlight was Dee’s revelation of his sideburn bald spot and his impression of the Romanian film producer who needed to know his wasitline and if he would be eating normally.
3 The 5, 6, 7, 8s Three austere Japense women dressed in yellow, going woo hoo while bashing drums and guitars. Very sweet in a novelty act way.
4 Paul Newman Not quite as excrutiating as Meg Ryan v Parky – but it came close. Jonathan tried desperately to get blood out of the stone but Newman was reluctant to play. He even made a mess out of conjuring up a salad dressing. We were impressed, though, that Jonathan said he’d talk about Newman’s charitable works later and then never mentioned it again.
5 Paul Weller A musical giant reduced to Mick Hucknall mediocrity by covering a Rose Royce song badly.
1. Martin Scorsese. Jonathan’s natural enthusiasm for film ensured that he asked questions that were interesting and, as a result, received a succession of engaging answers.
2. Johnny Vegas. Far more subdued than his last appearance on the show when he wreaked havoc with Jim Carrey, the best bit was a petty argument with Jonathan over who was the best decorator.
3. Cilla Black. The usual banter between the pair resulted in a few amusing stories.
4. The Beautiful South. Almost 20 years down the line and they are still churning out MoR ditties for people who don’t like music.
1 Jonathan’s Irish accent – described as “a leprechaun in a 50s movie” by the wonderful Dara O’Briain.
2 Kim Cattrell being so beautiful and sweet. “Women in their 40s are the sexiest on the planet,” she insisted. “I’m looking forward to you proving it,” said Jonathan.
3 Jonathan slagging off Sarah Jessica Parker – “old horse face” – with Kim trying hard not to be too delighted
4 Jonathan’s Bruce Forsyth impersonation plus his singalong with the old pro and the rather sad moment when he got Brucie to confess that maybe he’d wasted a little too much time doing game shows
5 Kings Of Leon: no points for style, lots of points for substance
1 The shock confession by David Walliams that he has had the penis of Matt Lucas in his mouth. “His penis accidentally fell out of his boxers into my mouth,” David revealed (he was talking about a stage show that went a bit wrong.) Jonathan’s reply: “And 20 minutes later…”
2 Jonathan’s admission that he’d shag Little Britain glamour girl Bubbles DeVere
3 The shock confession by David Walliams that, after lunch, he and Matt have a toffee bonbon
4 Bono’s lame attempt to headbutt the camera during U2’s performance of Vertigo and the way he talks as if he’s some genius professor with great insights yet only really coming out with triteness
5 Jessica Stevenson being quite sweet about netball and The Goonies. The clips from her new sitcom According To Bex seemed pretty horrific, though.