Did we like it?
If you’re IQ is above 70 or your age is above seven, it is best that you avoid this half hour of childishness thrown together from polystyrene, water, lycra and sadly desperate “celebrities”.
What was good about it?
• We’re trying to think of a redeeming feature. Err. There must be a redeeming feature. Umm. There must be a redeeming feature. Err. Umm. [thecustard.tv shakes head from side to side with look of resignation on face] There is no redeeming feature.
What was bad about it?
• If you need a TV presenter to act like no grown man should, then Dale Winton is your man, but even he could not cast any kitsch magic on this monstrosity.
• Dale’s pallor. We’re used to seeing him orange but he was looking almost pale when, at the very least, he should have been red faced with shame.
• When Darren Gough and some dancer calling himself Anton Du Beke are the regular team captains, the level of guests to ensure they are not outshone has to be appallingly bad. And it was. The opener featured Sherrie Hewson, Andi Peters, David ‘Hairy Baker’ Myers and Zoe Salmon, all of whom earned their pay by overacting and getting terribly overexcited but earned not the merest fraction of a point for their credibility bank.
• This would have been a three-minute game in It’s A Knockout in the 1970s; in these more tawdry times, it’s the latest great hope of Saturday night light entertainment. With no risk of the participants receiving a serious injury, there was no point watching them contorting themselves into positions to avoid being dumped in a pool. Or, as Dale put it: “You’re going to see celebrities in tight lycra, bending their bodies into the most unusual shapes.”
• Darren Gough is not, as Dale claimed, “everyone’s favourite cricketer”. [thecustard.tv’s favourite, for example, is Asif Iqbal, who played for Kent in the 1970s].
• Jonathan Pearce’s noisy analysis during the pointless slow motion replays.
• The £10k for charity prize. Not impressed.
• The double-speed MEGA-Wall!!!!! Not impressed.
• Dale’s demand: “Join me next week, for more celebrities, and more holes!” We shan’t.