The Field Marshall Haig Award for celebrity cannon fodder:
Toby Anstis, whose ghostly presence on the show can only have been an act of self-sacrifice to be the first voted out so as not to offend the slightly more famous people with far more fragile egos.
Yet, in the final show, Toby made sure he sat beside finalists Myleene – hugging himself into camera shot – and Matt, patting him rather too loudly. When Matt had been crowned king of the jungle, Toby rushed from the group to hug him first and then loitered around, hoping for another hug.
The Ant and Dec “The celebrities at the top/bottom have switched places 74 times in the past hour!” Award for shamelessly extorting cash with the same heinous amorality of a Romanian body snatcher stripping a fresh corpse of all its vital organs to service rotund, red-faced American businessmen in need of a new liver:
First place: Ant and Dec, who the previous night had claimed that top place had been held by three different celebrities.
Second: Ant and Dec, who championed the need for you, the British public, to phone or text a vote with “your votes have never been more important than they are tonight”.
Third: Dec: “We’re now going to get you (Myleene and Matt) to make your final pleas to the public at home.” Commercial TV slang for: “Right you two, we want some more cash from the idiots watching this so do your best bleeding heart and get them to bump up our profits.”
Dishonourable mention: Kate Thornton. No, she didn’t appear on I’m A Celeb but will no doubt be endlessly peddling some such similar line during the X-Factor final.
The Saint “No, it’s my line” Bono Award for conveying the phrase “thank God it’s them instead of you” with almost-convincing authenticity:
Myleene for her scarcely disguised delight at David Gest being booted out instead of her, completely over-exaggerating her surprise. “When David went I was really, really shocked,” she simpered, “I can’t believe he’s gone!”
The Peter & Jordan Award for the Most Disgusting Thing on TV:
When Matt valiantly bit into the witchetty grub in the trial and the thick trail of its black blood slowly trickled down his chin.
The Creationists’ Award for biological ignorance:
Matt for his disgust at having to eat a kangaroo’s anus and crocodile’s penis. If he ever had sausages for his school dinners, he will already have consumed much, much worse.
The Paris Hilton Award for least convincing sex scene:
During Jason Donovan’s trial in which bugs, snakes and spiders were tipped into his deep sea diveresque helmet, he made grunts of dubious pleasure and them followed with high-pitched climactic porcine squeals.
The Sky Sports Award for brazenly re-writing history to fit in with current circumstances:
ITV should be so encouraged by the cultural rehabilitation of their finalists that next year they could broadcast I’m A Fascist Dictator… Get Me Out of Here! set in a disused Soviet gulag with ‘Nuremburg Trials’ in which the deposed despots must perform degrading tasks to win food swastikas such as Idi’s Fridge (“Right Saddam, next up for you to eat is the ex-foreign secretary’s eyeballs”) or Pol Pot’s Parlour where the tyrants must scrabble around in skeletal remains for food swastikas in a burning charnel house plagued only by a sense of nagging guilt.
The Peter & Jordan Award for the Most Offensive Thing on TV:
Runner-up: Myleene’s singing that wandered far and wide in the hills of cacophony as she was showered with bugs in Scary-Oke.
Winner: Dec’s dancing to the same songs, martyrs nailed on to a cross have moved with more rhythm and grace.
The Dirty Old Man “If you’d just slip your top off, love” Award for manipulative pornography:
Myleene’s challenge involved her getting smothered slime and then feathers thus making her all grimy. Dec was almost slavering as he called after her: “Get yourself back to camp and washed down, Myleene.” Back at camp, aided by the “gallant” Jason, she lifted up her top just as the camera zoomed in on her chest.
The Money Shot Award for cynical emotional entrapment:
The ‘Letters from Home’ section. The idea is that the celebs weep with joy and the camera zooms in. But, alas for the producers, not one single tear trickled down.
The Huntingdon Life Sciences “Animals aren’t people, they are merely rocks with legs” Award:
Jason’s reflection that: “No-one’s going to die here!” – an observation that came after he had stamped on hundreds of cockroaches and other jungle fauna during his final trial.
The Alexander Litvinenko “you really don’t look well” Award:
Matt, who has the deathly pallor of someone who has spent the last two weeks on a mortuary slab undergoing a protracted autopsy.
The Peter & Jordan Award for the Most Insincere Thing on TV:
The swarm of gushing platitudes from each and every one of the celebrities about how they have made a “friend for life” or a “new best friend”. Two weeks out of the jungle, every last atom of common ground they shared will have been annihilated and they will only meet up again for appearances on LK Today or a dire new ITV chat show that needs propping up.
I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! ITV1, all week
Jason Donovan Subjected to the torture of having Any Dream Will Do at him by his campmates, despite being the camp’s level-headed good guy. We’re hoping he gets a bit tipsy, lets down his guard and treats us to an a capella Too Many Broken Hearts.
David Gest Subjected himself to the torture of listening to Jan Leeming “sing” and Toby Anstis compose a “song”. Has surprised us by being affable, witty and co-operative, rather than that face-sucking freak who married that crazy woman with a famous mother. Love those eyebrows, too.
Matt Willis The producers have turned Busted’n’beer boy into the camp’s commentator. He’s never out of the diary room giving his Motsonian take on bowel movements (Lauren may behave like she’s constipated but she’s not, we hear), creepy crawlie sightings, those “it’s-all-going-off” moments etc. Has done nothing to put us off him.
Lauren Booth who’s like Caroliine Tate’s Lauren all grown up, still pretending she’s down in de ghetto (the way she twitches from side to side is straight out of any back seat on the schoolbus home). She loves reggae and has the figure of a weeble that wobbles but won’t fall down.
Scott Henshall Irritating little specimen chosen to represent gays but only really representing a very small minority of gays who mince about and spit out nasty little comments, pretending they’re being hil-ar-ious.
Jan Leeming When we’re 64, we hope we have some self-awareness. She has none. Her screechy rendition of Summertime addressed to a rock, yes a bloody rock, provided the sort of TV moment which is why we watch crap shows like this.
Phina Oruche We hated her in Footballers’ Wives as bisexual model Liberty and she’s done nothing to convince us she’s any better in real life. Every sentence she utters features a bizarre combination of Scouse and mid-Atlantic pronunciations. Every sentence she utters features a bizarre combination of menace and sweetness. Shut the f**k up!
We’re ambivalent about…
Myleene Klass Comes complete with a state-of-the-art computer program (Winsome 2006, it’s called) that ensures she never offends and never says anything interesting, and merely smiles and pouts.
Toby Anstis. Comes complete with the beta version of the computer program used by Myleene class. Described as “macho” by Jan Leeming. Per-lease!
Faith Brown Not quite the show-off the producers hoped for and thus has had very little screentime. Subject of a schoolboy “large chest” joke from Ant and Dec. You couldn’t let it lie, could you, lads?
Dean Gaffney Not quite the prat we’d hoped for. Yet. His panic attack disguised as a Bushtucker Trial was priceless. For those with black and white tellies, Dean comes in a Dale Winton shade of orange.
I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!, ITV1, Monday 13 November 2006
Did we like it?
While lacking the enjoyable spontaneity and unruliness of fellow reality TV monster Big Brother, this return of the ultimate celebrity humiliation show was as entertaining, accessible and cringeworthy as previous series. Struggling ITV must be so relieved this guaranteed ratings winner is back on their schedules – minus points however are awarded for the frankly disturbing Iceland sponsorship ads starring previous winner Kerry Katona and a man dressed as a kangaroo who for some reason is looking after her children.
Matt Willis AKA The Cheeky Chappie Proved to be extremely down-to-earth which will only aid him in attracting support from the public. We couldn’t help but feel for him as he unashamedly pooed his pants while bungeeing from a helicopter. Warm, honest and rather gorgeous to boot, our money is on him walking away with the prize and a rejuvenated career after the show ends.
Faith Brown AKA The Chest Good value for viewers due to the comedienne resembling a downtrodden Dolly Parton with XXL-supersized breasts. In all honesty, we thought ITV were going to have to ask viewers to wear protective goggles whenever she appeared on screen, so large are her bosoms. Not likely to last the full length of the series but she has already proved to be a shoulder to cry on for the team, including the increasingly unstable Jan Leeming.
Myleene Klass AKA The Classical Girl Came across fairly well although we wouldn’t mind seeing a naughtier and nastier side to her at some point. Obviously the ‘totty’ of this series, we wouldn’t be surprised if she captures the wandering eye of some of the male celebs soon (let’s hope it’s not David Gest). Was interviewed with a grand piano behind her in case we forgot that MYLEENE IS A CLASSICAL ARTIST. Strange then that the first thing we think of when we see her is that awful Hear’Say video set in a log cabin.
Jason Donavan AKA The How Has It Come To This? Guy Maintained a fairly distanced stance to the events going on around him. It wouldn’t be unfair to say that age hasn’t been kind to the former 1980s pop heartthrob but we liked how he was transparent with his vertigo fears and has started to look like his dad (Neighbours’ Doug Willis). Unfortunately the unsettling realisation that fellow Neighbours star Kylie Minogue was performing a sell-out concert to thousands of people in the same country must not have been far from his mind.
David Gest AKA The Freak While beginning the show as this series’ out-and-out freakshow (complete with false-looking eyebrows and a hairline with a deranged mind of its own), we ended up warming to him as events proceeded. His snoring annoyed the whole group on Day One and Jan already dislikes him – we’re glad he’s there to upset any bonding or functionality that could occur.
Jan Leeming AKA The Lady Audrey Hepburn-in-her-later-years lookalike and Daily Mail pin-up, Ms. Leeming bravely tackled the first bushtucker trial of the series but only ended up collecting a measly two dinners for the group. Despite showing courage in the face of poisonous toads and biting ants, she has already cried twice which doesn’t bode well for the next three weeks. We did love her first reaction on meeting Jason though – “Oh I loved you in Joseph!”.
Phina Oruche AKA Who? Despite apparently appearing in trash favourite Footballers’ Wives, we really struggled in reminding ourselves why this contestant deserved to be on the show or how she can call herself a Z-list celebrity at all. Has already got a few backs up in the group by looking after No.1.
Scott Hensall AKA The Bitch “I hope there’s no fat people on this show”, was this fashion designer’s first quote of the night. Resembled the abominable hairdresser Craig from Big Brother 5 in both facial expressions and worldview. It would be completely presumptuous of us to be so derogatory to this contestant after watching just one episode but, what the hell; he’s vile, self-centered and wholly nauseating.
Lauren Booth AKA The Ostrich Half-sister of Cherie Blair and reactionary, ill-advised journalist, Lauren suitably resembles the oversized bird of Australia’s outback due to an extremely long neck. Suffered a tense exchange with David after the latter confronted her about a slanderous article she’d written about him. We’re already salivating at the thought of her being plunged into a swamp full of crocodiles.
Toby Anstis AKA The Tobester Screamed “camp’s here!” on arrival and how right he was. Mincing, faux-flirting with Jan and showing off a pair of shaved armpits, Toby will certainly fill previous contestant Paul Burrell’s campy shoes. However, we’re surprised to admit that after wanting to dislike the Heart FM DJ, we found him to be rather affable and friendly. This series’ dark horse.