What to say if you liked it
Eight dukes of the celebrity monarchy investigate haunted Dover Castle and discover firm evidence of spooks.
What to say if you didn’t like it
Eight scraps of humanity are tossed on to the flickering embers of reality TV in the form bogus ghost busters.
What was good about it?
• Ricardo (from The Salon) looks far scarier than any ghost, appearing as an emaciated, putrefying mini-me of Marilyn Manson.
• When presenter Keith Chegwin condemned Richard Blackwood’s already plummeting star to the sea of oblivion when he asked: “Richard, where are you?” despite the fact he was sitting about two feet away in a group of seven, three of whom were dumb blondes.
• Ricardo weeping in terror after passing through a dark passage. “I didn’t know I was sensitive like that!” he wailed.
• Ricardo becoming very precious when the other “celebrities” later revealed they thought he was being over-dramatic in the tunnel. “I’m not naming names,” he pontificated, “but…”
• When Faith Brown fell screaming to the floor as medium Ian Norman asked them to picture hundreds of “Napoleonic soldiers” rushing past them. “Oh, God! Oh, God! No!” she cried.
• When Ricardo said: “I’ve been holding my thing for a while.”
• When Cheggers asked Jo Guest: “What was going through your mind?” Whatever it was, it was travelling very slowly.
• During the séance when medium Ian Norman ascertained the spirits were speaking quickly and getting frustrated as they were aware there was an imminent ad break.
What was bad about it?
• Cheggers falling apart when he had to wrap up the show with a précis of the night’s events.
• While some of the celebrities were frightened some were most definitely not famous. What has Nancy Sorrell ever done other than dance about at the end of Shooting Stars? (see below) While Ricardo is still leeching off The Salon, and Tamara Beckwith is renowned simply for being posh.
• The way any unusual occurrence or feeling was immediately attributed to ghosts, as if standing still with your eyes closed in the freezing cold wouldn’t naturally cause dizziness and nausea.
• Also, the implication for any suggestion of fear or apprehension was because of ghosts, such as when it was claimed staff wouldn’t go into a room as they had a “funny feeling about it”.
• The frequency with which Cheggers proclaimed the show was exclusively on Living TV as though the bosses of the major channels were beating on the portcullis of
Dover Castle in frustration that they weren’t broadcasting it.
• When Faith Brown cluelessly exclaimed: “There are so many vibes up there.” The word “vibes” is the major verb, noun and adjective in the lexicon of the illiterate DJ.
• When medium Ian Norman dubiously claimed he could see “men hanging on the walls” and sense “a smell like rotting flesh”.
• Ian Norman appropriating the emotions of others to add credibility to his spiritual dogma: “When Ricardo feels…”
• Cheggers not letting Faith’s trauma get in the way of his chirpiness by saying: “She’s with a counsellor,” he disclosed, as though this made it fine for him to resume his cheery style.
• The bits where either Roy Walker or Richard Blackwood was isolated in the room the staff refused to enter and absolutely nothing happened for about 20 minutes other than Roy pleading for any spirits not to harm him. And when Jo Guest, Nancy Sorrell and Tamara Beckwith stared into a mirror when trying to invoke “The Red Lady” and burst into tears whenever they spotted something unusual.
• The séance was an abomination.
NB Nancy Sorrell has, in fact, been modelling for 13 years and has had lots of TV roles. She also went on tour with Jeff Beck, and sang a solo Cry Me A River by Julie London on each tour date. We apologise for overlooking these achievements.