LivingTV from 2004, BBC2 from Thursday 12 May 2005
Camp Australian sitcom about a suburban mother and daughter which evolved from a sketch on ABC’s Fast Forward/Full Frontal. Created and performed by Jane Turner and Gina Riley. Debuted on Australia’s ABC in May 2002
Jane Turner as Kath Day-Knight, a mother who is proud of her house in the suburb of Fountain Lakes. She keeps young and beautiful on her Ski-time buttock and thigh toner
Glenn Robbins as Kel Knight, Kath’s boyfriend/hunk o’ spunk (later he’s her husband), a butcher who has a keen eye on the latest fashions
Gina Riley as Kim Craig née Day, Kath’s self-obsessed, overweight daughter. She thinks she’s sexy and far too good for her husband.
Peter Rowsthorn as Brett Craig, Kim’s estranged, henpecked husband, who works in electronics store Computacity
Magda Szubanski as Sharon Strzelecki, Kim’s downtrodden friend, who is overweight but sporty, accident-prone but optimistic
Sex: Kath’s recently-married daughter Kim turns up and announces that her marriage to Brett is over. She thinks he’s having an affair and gets second best friend Sharon to stalk him. Back home, Kim is disgusted that her mother is dating butcher Kel Knight.
1 – Kath “Look at me, look at me” Day in heaven (and a garish leotard) working out on a convoluted exercise contraption (“Does it make me a crim to keep myself trim?” – but coming back down to earth when frumpy, grumpy daughter Kim turned up, having left husband Brett (“My marriage is over O-V-A-H.”).
2 – Hunk of spunk Kel Knight turning up with his greased down fringe, loud shirt and leather jacket. He didn’t hit it off well with the non-pregnant Kim by asking: “When’s the baby due?”. But then he got offended when Kath introduced him as a butcher. “Purveyor of fine meats actually, Kath.”
3 – Kim’s second best friend Sharon turning up with an eye injury and a netball kit and heading straight for the fridge. “The sooner you realise men are bastards and develop an interest in sport, the better you’ll be,” she advises before being assigned to spy on Brett and reporting back that he’s seeing a woman similar to Kim (actually it was his new dog)..
4 – Kel’s proposal to Kath via a bank of TVs in a hifi shop – and her excited acceptance. “Me and Kel have decided to make a beautiful, sensual relationship into a mere formality.”
5 – Other lines including:
Kim – “Pilates! Purleeeez!”
Kath – “Down at Fountain Gate at the moment they’ve got a really good offer on big-screen TVs. You buy an 80-inch telly and they throw in for nothing a Bodyguard video.”
Sharon – “Talk to the ears because the hand ain’t listening.”
Gay: Kim takes up golf with Sharon – leading to Kath suspecting her daughter may be a lesbian and that’s why she left Brett. When she voices her theory to Kel, he admits he went through a gay phase in the Navy. Meanwhile, Kim decides to go speed dating with Sharon, who meets fiddler Mark.
1 – Kath thinking that Kim and Sharon are indulging in lesbian sex (and are “friends of Gertrude”), even though they’re just practising golf swings or straining to get at the hidden Dippetybix or trying on shoes (“can you strap this on?”). After reading every book available about homosexuality, including one on artist Van Dyke, Kath becomes more accepting, and is even disappointed when Kim tells her she’s not gay. “Oh, I was rather looking forward to being on the supportive parents’ float at Mardi Gras. Looks like fun.”
2 – Kath gets upset when talking about gay sex with fiancé Kel. “Been there, done that. I was in the Navy for six years,” he revealed. Kath is staggered, but Kel promises: “Let me prove to you I’m a real man right here, right now on the shag. But first I need to put these flowers in some water. They’re thirsty.” To further convince Kath, he perms his hair, wears leather pants, gets a gold medallion and brings a Barbra Streisand LP for them to listen to.
3 – Kath picking out a Little Bo Peep bridal gown. “I think Kel’s gonna cream his jeans when he sees me in this.” Kim suggests they get lambs to act as bridesmaids. “Later at the reception, we can put them on the spit roast. That can be the theme of the wedding – mutton dressed as lamb.”
4 – Sharon is a big hit at the speed dating thanks to her love of cricket and her revelation that he’s fractured her fibia five times. She gets asked out on a date by Mark. “I’ll have to check my netball fixtures.” But Kim gets in the way of Sharon’s chances of love when she gets her to babysit Brett’s dog Kujo so the reunited spouses can go to the Hair Eisteddfod.
5 – Brett wants Kim to come home because he doesn’t know how to use the washing machine. “I don’t know how to use the washing machine, either,” she admits.
6 – Kath: “Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. I’ve got one word to say to you, Kim. Go back to Brett toute suite. Get real. You’ll never do any better.”
7 – Kath: “Affirmative to toot paper, Kel.”
8 – The woman in charge of the speed dating event. “A bit of shush, please. A bit of shush, please.”
9 – Brett: “I’ve seen a side of you today, Kim, that I’ve never seen before. Mean and selfish. That’s not the Kim I know.”
10 – Sharon’s pash rash.
Sport: Kim joins Sharon’s netball team so she can rough up the Bolton twins, who seduced Brett when he was drunk. Meanwhile, Kel is obsessed with making the perfect gourmet sausage.
1 – After distancing herself from husband Brett, Kim became a resident fixture on Kath’s sofa, looking like “a stunned mullet” and eating her out of house and home.
2 – This situation was made worse when Brett admitted he had woken up naked in bed with the dreaded Bolton sisters – Kylie and Dannii. “It doesn’t mean anything happened”, he protested. They did their best to make Kim think otherwise however, informing her he’d been showing off “his hard drive”.
3 – Kim being sacked from her call centre job, despite her “people skills”. Kath did her best to motivate her daughter with course brochures (“look there’s witchcraft and sorcery”) but Kim wasn’t interested.
4 – Sharon lost a player on her netball team (“I’d rather give birth to a chair” was her reason for pulling out) and Kim stepped in to play. The real reason for her doing so though was to have some “contact sport” with the Boltons (after failing to hit them when she chucked potato wedges at their flash sportscar).
5 – Kel’s quest to create the perfect sausage, in honour of his future “connubials”. Fillings such as chourizo and mint or meat and cous-cous failed to hit the spot but he finally found inspiration while watching a foul in the netball match – “Mmmmm….fowl!”
6 – “You’re really getting up my goat”
Fat: There’s no way Kim can fit in the bridesmaid’s dress after her rapid weight gain (she quit smoking) so she tries out the Celine Cuisine diet (before resorting to laxatives and cigarettes). Sharon becomes a marriage guidance counsellor, and Kath and Kel fall out over their vows when they meet Marion the marriage celebrant.
• Kath and Kel prepare for their wedding by ensuring their wedding vows are “peculiar to us.” Kath comes up with: “I am your nubile nympho, Kel Knight, you are my hairy stag, Like two young saplings that grow together, may you find solace in my leafy nook.”
• Kath and Kel’s visit to marriage celebrant Marian – “how are we faring, vow-wise?”, who asks them to come up with three words to describe themselves. Marian’s example is “Single, plays the organ, one cat.” Kel comes up with: “Fit, virile, in love” and Kath suggests “Caring, foxy and ditto, in love.” But there’s a snag: Kel doesn’t want Kath to say she’ll obey him. But she insists: “If I want to obey you, I will. I don’t have to do what you say. I wish you were more caveman and less quiche man.”
• Sharon’s latest mishap. “I walked across hot coals. Bottom of my trackies caught fire but it’s only third-degree burns.”
• The wedding outfits. “Kim is very late back with those bridesmaids dresses. I hope she hasn’t pranged the Marina,” said a worried Kath before Kim returned. But Kim couldn’t get into her dress without exposing her “welcome mat” (the hairy bit in the small of her back) and Sharon’s dress exposed her hives (“They’re not hives. They’re welts from my carbuncles.”)
• Kath doesn’t approve of Kim’s decision to quit smoking. “What’s the point of living a long life if you’re the size of a house and a pain in the proverbials.”
• But Kath does want Kim to lose weight – “your spare tyre is not going to derail Kel and me’s wedding”. She recommends exercise – “a little bit of huffy puffy three times a week wouldn’t go astray” – and the Ozone diet. “You just eat air for two weeks, then red meat for two weeks.” She tells her daughter that it has already been tried by Madonna Penn Richie, Jennifer Pitt Aniston and Courtney Loves Cox. Kim eventually settles on a way to fit into her dress. “I decided to lose the weight the sensible, old fashioned way – laxatives and smokes.”
• Sharon takes up marriage guidance, practising on dolls of Nicole and Tom. “If you would only own your problem in your ring of concern,” she advises after digesting some self-help books.
• Other great lines:
“Stuff yous all, then.”
“My wedding to her father was a shocker from go to woe.”
“It was a shotgun wedding?” “No, it was a sit-down for 40 people.”
Old: Kim makes Kath feel self conscious about her age so she invests in the new homeboy fashion range. Kath is also frustrated that Kel keeps letting her down (he’s secretly learning how to waltz). Meanwhile, Kim maintains her treat-him-mean campaign with Brett.
• Tensions arose as Kath looked at venues for her upcoming connubials. King Henry VIII’s Ye Olde Medieval Taverne looked promising, with a floorshow beheading the bride and groom between courses and unique toilet doors (“It’s Knights for the guys and Whores for the girls”); ultimately Kath had too many options available, including the appealing Big Jugs, to make a decision.
• Kim joked that the stress of the wedding was ageing her mum (“Bekerk! You’re chooky”). Unfortunately Kath’s fears about her looks weren’t helped when Kel turned up and announced that she was a “top bird”.
• Kim continued to play the ice maiden with Brett (“He loves me being a bitch to him and so do I”), although it wasn’t always successful. Her satisfaction at him leaving a desperate voicemail message asking her to ring him was ruined when it turned out he only needed to know when rubbish day was.
• Brett nevertheless tried to woo Kim back with flowers and a blank verse poem: “You’re a hornbag and I’m a fool / “If you come back I’ll put in a heated spa”.
• “Give it a bone pur-lease!”
• Kel behaved suspiciously, abstaining from nookie with Kath and cancelling dates frequently. Just when Kath was ready to throw in the towel because of his “horizontal folk-dancing” with a mysterious woman, it was revealed that Kel was only learning the wedding waltz for their big day.
• Kath’s “I’m Horny” ringtone.
• “You’re a middle-aged MoFo Kel!”
Money: Kath is desperate to raise the money so she can hire a carriage for the wedding from Brian at Silver Lady Coaches. When all else fails, she holds a lingerie party, with Kim and Sharon as models. Kel asks Brett to be his best man, while Kim becomes obsessed with the internet, indulging in home shopping and chatroom dating.
• Kath fretted over the wedding budget spiralling out of control, placing the big day in jeopardy. The rising costs were mainly due to the fairytale pumpkin-style coach but Kath remained committed to the idea: “Cinderella had a pumpkin coach and she lived happily ever after – oh read your history books, Kim!”
• Kim was glued to the internet after reading a Computers For Cretins handbook and stole her mum’s credit card to fund her new computer shopping habit (“I’ve finally found something I’m good at”).
• On entering a chatroom, Kim made sure she used a subdued username (“Hornbag”) but didn’t hold back in describing herself to a mystery man – “I love Pina Colada and rain makes me go off”. This mystery man turned out to be Brett who revelled in how liberal his wife was in her physical descriptions (“Size 10! I wasn’t asking about your feet”).
• “I am so there Jackie O!”
• To raise money for the wedding, Kath brought home a Pyramid Scheme manual. Kim disapproved (“Who’s going to want to buy pyramids?”).
• Kel was cruelly reminded of being jilted at the altar four times before when he went to try on his new wedding suit. The camp clothes assistant recognised him instantly (as did the manager of the photo store) and informed him “We don’t have a returns policy”.
• “What’s up yours?!”
• A lingerie party was held to rescue the wedding and fund the coach deposit. Kim wore the Sharon Stone set (comes without pants); Sharon the Monica Lewinsky (comes with optional knee-pads).
Party: Kim organises Kath’s hens night after rejecting Sharon’s idea – a marathon session of Rocky and Mighty Ducks videos. Meanwhile, Kel and Brett’s Buck’s turn ends up with them being robbed and chained up in just their underwear.
• Sharon’s neckbrace
• Sharon’s reaction to the clockwork penis displayed in the novelty goods shop. “What is it?”
• Kath’s placemente (pronounced in a sort of French accent) for the wedding reception
• Kath wanting Annie Norman to sing Voulez Vous at her wedding service even though she did a poor job of I Will Always Love You at Kim’s wedding (but a decent version of I’m Too Sexy)
• Kath’s close-to-cremation “beautiful lasagne”
• Sharon’s plans for Kath’s hen’s night: a Mighty Ducks 1 & 2/Rocky 3 & 4 video evening.
• Kath’s hen’s night outfit. “It’s one sleeve so I’ll only have to fake tan one arm. That’ll save a bit.” But then she fake tanned the wrong arm.
• “Come on, lighten up and have a flute of bubbly.”
• Kim becoming uncharacteristically nice after knocking back spiked $100 cocktails – but then becoming so hysterical she had to be slapped by Sharon when she thought her hands had turned hairy (she’d put on her mother’s tiger paw oven gloves)
• Kath dancing dementedly to “townhouse” music and ending up with a lollipop stuck in her frizzy hair
The Wedding: The big day is beset by hitches – Kath suffers a horse hair allergy and from slippery shoes, Kim forgets to clean the bin before filling it with punch, Kel indulges in too much Dutch courage, and the horse used to pull the carriage goes on the rampage.
• The fateful trip to Fountain Gate, introducing us to the brilliant Prue and Trude and their “bloody expensive” shop. The gruesome twosome greeted our heroes with typically noble enunciation. Highlights included “Har! Haor yur?”, “I hope he’s sobar…I’ve got stacks of hohoba left urva from Octurba”, “A threw for yur carch” and “Would you like something in yur Bodum?”
• Kim made the catastrophic mistake of buying a hair switch to enhance her wedding look, not realising it was made of horse – not human – hair.
• Kim’s pre-wedding speech to the happy couple (“It’s mum and Kel’s big night tonight but I’d like to talk about me for a minute”), which revealed she was moving back in with Brett. “The most beautiful wedding present” was Kath’s reply.
• The wedding punch served from dustbins (complete with used tea-bags).
• Kim’s misunderstanding of Kath’s request to obtain a statue of Baby Jesus – instead she brought along a figurine of Baby Cheeses.
• The wedding was preceded by a series of mini-crises: Kath was forced to add Velcro to her slippery shoes, Kel downed the booze to get through pre-wedding panic attacks and Sharon’s perm was blown out by driving in an open-top car.
• Kim enjoyed throwing the traditional rice after the ceremony but it stuck to Kath’s face (“You didn’t have to cook it!”)
• The big day came to an abrupt end when Kim’s hair switch became attached to her behind, arousing the pumpkin coach’s stallion and exciting him into mounting unsuspecting guests.
The Announcement: Brett has changed the locks to keep Kim out of the marital home, but she then discovers he’s made her pregnant. Meanwhile, Kath and Kel need sexual advice.
• The celebration of New Year’s Eve/Kath and Kel’s one-month anniversary with a meal out. It’s at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, but there’s still not enough food for Kim, who tries to steal the sticky date pudding off Kel and Sharon.
• “Don’t pfffuff me, please.”
• The toast to the return of Kath’s sexual urges
• The waiter’s desperate bid for freedom when he’s pressed up against the wall and snogged by Kim
• Kel loads the dishwasher. “It’s the thinking man’s foreplay.”
• “A film buffs’ party. That sounds eyebrow.”
• Sharon reveals she has to dress up as a character from a film. “My favourite film is Dude, Where’s My Car so I thought I’d go dressed as a dude.” Kim – “You’d be better off going as a car. Less make-up.”
• “I think I’m barren, Sharon. I’m going to have a yoghurt.”
• Kath’s woolly jumper featuring a cat in a hat and raised wattle on the shoulders.
• Marian the marriage celebrant strips off to give Kath and Kel some sexual advice. It works. They shag in the carpark, despite Kel’s pain from his knobbly car seat cover. “I think we need some sheepskin car seat covers.”
• Kim on her biological clock. “It doesn’t tick, Brett. It’s digital.”
• Brett struggles to look away from Kath when she’s naked
• Brett and Kim are horrified when a naked Kel bends right over to get the onions in the fridge
• Kath explains the rules of her staying-naked therapy. “I’m not allowed to shut my body up in tops and slacks but I have got special dispensation to wear my gum nut earrings and bumbag when shopping.”
• Sharon makes a fool of herself in front of Mark. “There are some things a first date can survive, Mrs D, but falling over awkwardly in the nuddy is not one of them.”
• The hysteria when Kim finds out she’s pregnant.
• Kath’s warning when Kim finds out she’s pregnant – “Morning sickness, unbearable agony, stitches and, after that. shocking incontinence.”
• “You look like Lady Cadaver.”
Inside Out: Kel and Kath are still having marital difficulties, while Brett and Kim decide to renovate their home and Sharon plays war games.
• Kath screams encouragement when she watches the Tigers on TV – but they lose. . “Hopeless bums.”
• Sharon licking the cereal bowl
• Kim is excited about the R word – renovation. She has to decide on the style – Santa Fé or period. “I’m thinking period because it’s an old unit. Built last century. 1998.”
• Kim to Sharon – “Because you’re my second-best friend, you can come and do the heavy lifting for me.”
• Brett suggests the bathroom is redecorated in shabby chic style. Kim – “No, Brett. It’s going to be in keeping. There’s aluminium windows there. It’s got to be Victorian.”
” Kim – “I just want egg plant in the vestibule. Is that too much to ask? And the hot pink pouffes as well.”
• Kel takes over all the household duties to leave Kath bored. He even vac-packs Kath’s clothes and arranges the cooking utensils in alphabetical order. The only jobs left for her are to remove the stickers off the apples and decant the dipping sauce.
• Tru and Pru, the posh sales assistants at the gift shop who are horrified by Kel – “a vision in vinyl.”
• Kath’s cry of horror. “I’ve been walking around all day and my seam’s not straight.”
• Kim – “Brett and I have decided we want solid monogamy. I want to go to Knobs & Knockers.”
• Sharon squeezed into army fatigues for her war game.
• Kath whispering to everyone that Kel’s special fish dish isn’t very nice.
• Kel agrees to come to watch the football with Kath – but she is horrified to discover he’s a Swans fan.
The Moon: Kim goes to her high school reunion, Sharon has a new best pal, and Kath is preparing for the honeymoon.
• Kim taking advantage of Sharon during her pregnancy, even getting her to fetch her Tiny Teddy sweets. “I can’t do any heavy lifting.”
• Kim – “Sharon, you need to get me some hair twistees. Don’t go to the salon on the mezzanine. Go downstairs to Hairlarious and haggle. You can curl my hair Beyoncé style.”
• Kim refuses to go to the school reunion because she was humiliated last time by being the only one to turn up in fancy dress. Sharon tries to reassure her. “They were laughing at you not with you.”
• “Get off the gradenza.”
* “There’s nothing more flattering than a puffy sleeve on a big lass.”
• “No mum, I was thick as a thief.”
• “I just had the new fantasy spray-on tan.”
• “I am coming to the reunion and this time I am going to wipe the floor with what I’m wearing.”
• Kim chooses a peasant look outfit. “I look like Rachel Hunter,” she says. “You look like some sort of hunter,” her mother says. In fact, she looks like a pirate and is subjected to “ahoy, ahoy” taunts from her former schoolmates, especially as she’s wearing Sharon’s eye patch after an accident with Kel’s fishing rod.
• Kath gets excited about her once-in-a-lifetime eco-tour honeymoon, especially the river cruise including “coffee slash tea and biscuits.”
• Kath is devastated when Kel reveals they can’t afford the honeymoon. But then they get free tickets and the trip’s back on. But then the airlines go on strike. But then Kath and Kel have a wonderful time at the airport instead, enjoying the shops, buying matching jumpers and sneaking into the first-class lounge to over-indulge on the free buffet
• Kim and Sharon’s row. “Gravel, gravel.” “Frida, Frida.” “Some second best friend you turned out to be.”
Obsession: Kath and Kel are exhausted by their all their boxercising, Sharon is out of luck with Mark, and Brett is keen to win promotion, with help from Kim.
• Kel moaning in ecstasy below the flowery duvet, but he is only stretching and not doing what we were supposed to think he was doing.
• Kath and Kel’s fitness regime that included drinking a vitamin-packed smoothie (“Yuk! No pain, no gain”); boxercising to disco music; adhering to the Dr Kibbotz No-Carbohydrate Diet; drinking prostate smoothies; power walking and a herbal facelift.
• Kim’s reaction to her mother’s health kick. “It’ll take more than not eating bread to get rid of your crapey neck and turkey gobbler.”
• “I’m not exactly calm and sutra myself tonight.”
• “I might as well just set up the fold-out in the best room.”
• Sharon – “I’ve been at Mark’s all night.” Kim – “What did you do?” Sharon – “Oh, the usual. Waited outside in my car all night and then went through his rubbish.”
• Kim sucks on a Billabong lolly and reads a magazine, ignoring Sharon’s tearful breakdown.
• Kim’s very low-slung jeans.
• Kim decides to be a corporate wife to help Brett’s promotion bid. Kath is unconvinced – “I admire your chutzpah, Kim, but have you got the whywithall to keep it up.” And, sure enough, Kim ruins his chances. She asks his boss: “So Kelly, who does my husband have to root to get a promotion round here? Not you I hope.” Then she gets into a row over how to pronounce Chardonnay and smashes up a plasma TV.
• Kim drops the corporate wife idea. “Like Rachel Hunter, I’m a foxy moron. I’m going to concentrate on my own career as a trophy wife. Doing nothing. That’s my specific skills base. They just sit around, looking beautiful.”
• Sharon enters a riverdancing contest to win back Mark from the lovely, leggy Moya.
• Kath and Kel have a bash at riverdancing, too, but get disqualified for doing it horizontally.
My Boyfriend: Sharon gets boyfriend Mark to play netball, Kim has doubts about Brett’s manliness and Kath makes a hat for her floral design course.
• Kath’s attempt to make a hat “like what Catherine Zeta wore when she married Michael Douglas.” It’s for her taste course in floral design, “the most penultimate course you can do in the country.”
She hits a snag when she can’t obtain any baby’s breath – but luck is on her side. “Apricot Flowers have scored some baby’s breath from the Gold Coast. They’re going to cryogenically freeze it for me and get it on a plane asap today.”
By taking too many chill pills and having to wait in for the telephone repair man, Kath almost misses her chance to enter the competition – but all comes good and she wins first prize for her absurdist piece Waiting For Telstra, a hat that combines flowers with a pineapple, chopsticks and fluff from the shower fan.
• Brett getting separated from Kim at Ikea (the biggest shop in the southern hemisphere) after being made to follow the arrows by fellow shoppers while Kim was having a wee in a bathroom display.
• Sharon, with a kissing rash, dropping “my boyfriend” into every sentence but dumping Mark when he didn’t take netball seriously enough
• Kel refereeing the netball game in a very tight shirt and shorts
• Kim – “I’d like to propose a toast to someone who is not only a huge spunk rat but is also the biggest hottie in Fountain Lake. Me.”
Another Announcement: Finding a name for Kim’s baby is proving to be a problem, Brett refuses to go to the birth classes, Sharon is keen to become a Commonwealth Games volunteer and Kath gets broody.
• While shopping for a baby, Kath and Kim get excited about the nautical look (“that’s different”) and Bob The Builder Nipple Guards.
• Kath – “Cottage cheese is nice, love, but not on your legs.”
• Kim – “Why don’t you just compromise for once, Brett, and do what I say?”
• The suggested names for the baby: Murray, Tiramasu, Lourdes, Rocco, paris, prince, Blanket, Winona, Paloma, Papaloma, Myfanwy Kathleen Darlene Craig, Tailuh, Typhphaanniii, Epponn’knee Rae, Glenn, Aussie, Enema, IV, Catheter, Neil By Mouth, Cardio
• Sharon is assigned a task as a Commonwealth games volunteer. “Given my sporting prowess – you know, like in netball and indoor cricket – I’ll be stood outside the Portaloos motivating people to hurry up with the war-cry Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi!”
• Sharon singing Advance Australia Fair quite well.
• Kath – “Kel, dear, I was wondering if we could factor in some one-on-one face time tonight.”
• Kath’s sailboat earrings
• After Kel reveals he has donated to the sperm bank, Kath sees lots of kids who look like him with his trademark slicked-down fringe
• Kim using Sharon as her beanbag at the birth class
• Kath becoming the short-term owner of a multidoodle dog and naming it Epponn’knee Rae
The Shower: Kim’s best friend Tina can’t come to the baby shower, and Sharon takes a shine to Kel’s best friend Sandy Freckle.
• Kim’s best friend Tina can’t come to the baby shower. “I don’t care as long as she drops off a present,” shrugged Kim. Also unavailable were Danelle, Rachel, Rochelle and Michelle.
• Kath getting flustered by wannabe Casanova Sandy Freckle – and Sharon hoping she’s got a chance with Kel’s chisel-featured friend
• Kim on men – “The more they ignore you, the more they like you.” Sharon – “Gee, you must have heaps of guys who like you.”
• Brett queuing overnight at the Festival Hall to get tickets for the WWE wrestling, sharing a man’s headphones to listen to Dire Straits’ Sultans Of Swing but then oversleeping and being overtaken by everyone else.
• Kath – “Festival Hall. That takes me back. 1977 Leo Sayer concert. It changed my hair”
• Kath – “Now what have I got crackerwise? I’ve got your Jats, your Ritz, your Clix.”
• Kim’s hideous baby shower outfit
• Sharon reading Shane Warne’s autobiography and going “Oh Warnie” during a passage about one of his misdeeds.
• Kath, Kim and Sharon indulging in helium and then screeching when Kim’s waters break. The ambulance comes and Kim is panicking, but Kath asks the driver to take the scenic route to hospital.
The Hideous Truth: When Kim goes into labour, Kath reminisces about the ordeal she went through giving birth to Kim with little help from the father, Gary – and Kim recalls her first meeting with Brett, when he had bad hair and was dating Sharon.
• Kim – “Brett bought me a ring.” Kath – “Aww, that’s beautiful. Was it from the Diamond City?” Kim – “No a rubber ring for after the birth. For my business end.” Kath – “If your birth is anything like the one I had with you, your business end will be closed for renovations for quite some time.”
• The flashback to when a pregnant Kath was married to tacky Gary Poole of Gary’s Pools and she smoked cheroots. “The more I smoke, the smaller the baby will be and I’ll get my figure back quicker.”
• Kim claims she’s like her father. “Oh no you’re not,” said Kath. “Gary was a fat, lazy whinger who was terribly rude.”
• Sharon’s flashback to the 1980s when she was working “at a new takeaway franchise called McDonald’s”, had a ginger mullet and had Brett stolen from her at the Necrophiliacs nightclub by Kim who made a grand entrance to Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Kim – “I can’t help it if Brett is captivated by my unnatural beauty.”
• Kel’s flashback to the four occasions when he was jilted. Bob Downe popped up in one as a clothes shop assistant. “Did the Japanese girl not like the powder blue?”
• Kim cares more about the bubbly than the baby after giving birth to Epponnee Raelene Sharlene Kathleen Darleen Craig
• When Kim gets to hold the baby, she moans: “She’s heavy. Do they do Infant Light’n’Easy?”
• Kath’s toast to the baby. “May you have a long and preposterous life.”
• Sharon burping, snivelling and screaming while everyone else remains relaxed
• Kath fainting when Gary turns up and reveals he never signed the divorce papers.
Cactus Hour: Kath’s first husband Gary Poole (Mick Molloy) re-enters her life claiming they are still married, while Kim and Brett are struggling with baby Epponnee.
• Kim – “It’s really hard being a hornbag when you’ve got a baby. Now I know why Posh Spice looks like she does.”
• Kel gets fed up with Kath’s ex-husband Gary Poole. “Our hot water service ain’t big enough got the three of us.”
• Kim – “It was a shotgun wedding wasn’t it?” Kath – “No, it was a sitdown for 40 people.”
• Kim’s obscene miniskirt and her handbag with her face on it; Kath’s kimono and her arrowed wooly jumper
• Sharon getting overexcited about Warnie scoring a century. Heaven knows she’ll be miserable now.
• Sharon’s birthday present to 25-year-old Kim: cricketer Don Bradman’s baggy green hat
• Cujo the dog chews up two of Kel’s manbags: the distrssed maroon leatherette and the denim patchwork
• When Kim throws Cujo’s droppings over the neighbours fence, Kath says: “Don’t worry. They’re giving me the pip at the moment.”
The Mango Espadrille: Kath and Kim go to the races where they mingle with celebrities (including Six Feet Under’s Rachel Griffiths), leaving Brett to struggle babysitting Epponnee. Meanwhile, Kel is busy with lamb flaps and honey soy drumettes.
• A loved-up Kath returning from her honeymoon with Kel with new tacky earrings, a horrible woolen jumper, loads of lousy photographs and tales of sex in the hot tub
• Kath and Kim getting legless at the race meeting, with Kim vomiting in a Portaloo, while Sharon pulled squeaky-voiced jockey Damien and ended up with another pash rash.
• Kath tries to cheer up her husband. “Kel is so stressed out at work that I figure if he sees me at lunch in my mango espadrilles it might just be the boost he needs to see him through the rest of the day.”
• Kath ends up working with Kel. “She saved my bacon today, Kel told a customer. “Literally. She wrapped it in clingfilm and popped it away.”
• But the loved-up pair got so hot they have sex in the freezer – and get locked in
• Kim getting into a fight with a rival pushy parent at the Fountain Gate mall’s Bubs Idol contest.
Sitting On A Pile: Brett and baby Epponnee head to the Gold Coast to see his mother while Kath tries to make new friends. Guest stars Geoffrey Rush.
Kicking Up A Stink: Sharon becomes a fascist as she helps Kim to lose weight while Kel and Kath star in The Hours – The Musical.
• “That baby bulge is a bugger to budge.”
• “I’m sick of you rubbing my fat in my face.”
• The book of the week at the book club Kath attends – the Anti-Candida Diet
• Kim living on cabbage, being very flatulent as a result, and donning a skin-tight Cathy Freeman-style tracksuit to go running
• Kel wins the adoration of hard-nosed Robyn, the producer of the Fountain Gate Players’ production of The Hours – The Musical
• Kel scans the review of the production in the Fountain Gate Progress Press. “Is execrable good?”
Hello Nails!: Kim gives Sharon a makeover when she gets a date. Kath want a new home theatre system but Brett annoys Kel by getting involved.
• Sharon falling in love with Alan, a theatre sister, and undergoing a radical makeover to make herself more alluring (featuring lots of shots of Sharon squeezed into inappropriate outfits). Kath got involved, giving Sharon a frizzy perm and massive earrings, while Kim prepared to supervise the makeover by watching videos of What Not To Wear and Nip/Tuck. Kim came up trumps with the outfit and hairstyle but also coached Sharon in her hard-to-get routine, almost resulting in the nascent romance being wrecked (the pair eventually bonded over cricket).
• Kath becoming a TV addict, consuming programmes around the clock, with her favourites including Dalziel & Pascoe, Farrah Fawcett Majors, Crossing Over With John Edwards and Dukes Of Hazzard.
• Kath – “My hair is my clowning glory.”
• Kath’s self portrait – Girl With The Parrot Earring
High And Dry: Kim and Brett plan to move, and Kath has a new career.
Foxy On The Run: Kath plans a 50th birthday bash for Kel, Sharon still hasn’t secured the role of Epponnee’s godmother, and Brett has fun on a Buckin’ Bronco.
• Kath arranging a drinks and nibbles country and western do with “all our myriad of special acquaintances” to celebrate Kel’s 50th birthday. The nibbles included semi-sundried tomatoes, “very good” cheese and beef jerky. “I’m really up against it re the nibbles for this afternoon. I’ve still got to roll our the sushi and decant the dipping sauce.”
• Kim praying for a miracle so she can get into size 10 bumster jeans. “The spirit is willing but the flesh is huge,” she whined.
• Kim – “Jesus was so buff – a spunk.”
• Kel trying to fight off the aging process by getting a bandana, braids and a tattoo (“it looks a bit Robbie Williams.”)
• Sharon’s fight with the runaway pram on the Fountain Gate shopping mall’s travelator
• Sharon collapsing with exhaustion on the netball court after being forced to look after Epponee in order to prove her credentials as a possible godmother
• The dreadful karaoke performances at the party, featuring He Knows How To Love Me from Jesus Christ Superstar (Kim), The Sweet’s Fox On The Run (Kath and Kel), Cold As Ice (Brett), a room-emptying What About Me (Sharon) and a line dancing version of The Lord’s Prayer (Kath).
• Kim’s baptism in the swimming pool, conducted by struck-off wedding celebrant Marian
• The cameo appearance by Kylie, explaining how to pronounce Chardonnay
99% Fat Free: Kylie Minogue guests as the adult version of Epponnee Raelene Sharlene Kathleen Darleen Craig as Kim and Brett clash over plans for their baby’s future. Kath and Kel are instructed by Dr Ng to adopt a fat free diet.
• Kath and Kel’s spray-on tans
• When Kath reckons baby Epponee could be prime minister, Kim replies: “I’m thinking bigger than that. She could be in Neighbours.” But the audition goes horrible wrong when Epponee is sick on Harold.
• Kath – “I don’t want you pushing up the daisies just when I’m smelling of roses.”
• Kath – “What’s the matter, Sharon? Why the round face?”
• Sharon getting broody and having a crush on Brett
• The fantasy set 20 years in the future when cigarettes are illegal, Kel is obese, Jamie Oliver is a Sir Rachel Hunter is a dame, Sharon is married to Brett and the mother of triplets, snooty shop assistants Pru and Trude are reduced to washing car windscreen…
• … and Kylie is Epponee, being as rude as her mother on her wedding day. “I pacifically said I didn’t want you in leg of mutton sleeves.” “My marriage is over, O-V-A-H.”