1. Keith: “Lance, you once worked for Fergie.” Lance: “Yes, the Duchess of York.” Keith: “Well, of course. Who’d want to hang out with a football manager? (Looks aghast at Ulrika). I’m sorry, I’ve done it again.”

2. Keith: “I usually ask my guests where they met, but we all know you two met on TV. Lance, what was your gladiator name?”

3. On the subject of Santa Claus, Keith said: “I went into my little smashers’ bedroom at Christmas and on the pillow was a lovely note that said: ‘My brother doesn’t believe in you, but I still do’. I turned it over and it was addressed to me.”

4. Keith: “Ulrika, this could be the first show where you don’t marry someone.”

5. After Keith’s eulogy to Ulrika’s beauty had drawn muted audience applause: “Don’t worry we can dub something on it. We’ll go down to the archives and pull out ‘Wembley Crowd’.”