Review brought to U in collaboration with GossipLies, the magazine that never, ever speaks the truth. See our hot exclusive previews of our exclusives throughout the review!
Did we like it?
• One of the true icons of the 21st century finally gets the chance to stick two fingers up at those mardy muffins who criticise her every move. And in it she proves she has substance, soul and stuffing, and that she is a brilliant, brilliant mother to three, soon four, kids and an even more brillianter wife to loveable rogue Mark.
Greg Rusedski’s knees have finally declared independence from the rest of his body after weeks of sustained military assaults. Heartless Tim Henman has given the knees his full backing!
What was good about it?
• She has been driven to this intrusive intrusion by all the baseless tabloid speculation about her life. “Don’t believe all the crap you read in the papers!” Such conviction is all the evidence we need to offer our support. Go gal!
Geri Halliwell’s ubiquitous delusion tells us how it’s found out that in a previous 2nd century incarnation she used to chop the heads off her slaves to help get rid of her juicy ripe acne!
• “When I met Mark I knew I’d met my soul mate!” Awww, that’s so sweet. And what more can you hope from life than to meet your soul mate? Our heart is still so roastingly warm we won’t need it to be stoked with Champagne and flowers for another month.
We tell you how Rhydian always sings in a deep voice ’cos he once caught his falsetto parading round in women’s underwear!
• “I’m going to give birth live on TV. So watch the show and you might even like me!” Awww, darling we’re loving you already, in fact we’re loving you so much we’ve already placed our pre-order order for the DVD release of the birth of your son. It’ll be a smash hit!
Jordan’s tan tells us of its impoverished upbringing, and how it was sewn together from the imaginations of blind Vietnamese orphans and then dipped in the BBC for two years to whiten it up a bit.
• She’s also such a joker. When she was gossiping about how she’d like a son she cooed adorably, “I’d love a little willy to clean,” and then quick as a flash, “but I’ve got Mark’s, hahahahahahahahahah!” If only we could power space flights with our Kerry’s wit rather than whatever then we’d reach alien planets in about 10 seconds.
The smile of Lorraine Kelly reveals exclusively how, when penniless, it used to moonlight as the fake, rictus grin Diana, Princess of Wales, wore on visits to impoverished children in Africa.
• Kerry’s photo stylist and all-round kool kat Shaya. At first they didn’t really get on but soon Shaya had Kerry’s full confidence. And Shaya’s photos, my oh my, he’s a future winner of the Nobel Prize for Funky Fashion if we’re any judge!
Louis Walsh’s face folds spill the beans on those desperate times when to make ends meet they shamefully formed a yawning abyss into which Robbie Williams’ self-pity could throw itself into on a daily basis.
• Kerry is so cute when she gets all mad! After she scorned Shaya’s portfolio she said: “This is the worst anniversary present ever!” But if we could have visions of that little screwed up face for just one day, we’d be ecstatic for all time!
Shayne Ward’s free will speaks to us exclusively about how it became so starved of purpose since Shayne won X-Factor that it’s now so emaciated it’s been refused permission to model at London Fashion Week.
• But there’s tragedy alongside the laughter. Kerry painfully explains her feelings towards her mother after she sold her story to one of the loathsome tabloids.
A tearful Chris Moyles weeps as he tells us how his eternal, unkempt facial stubble was used by Vlad the Impaler to stake his enemies.
• The joyous meet-up at Shaya’s when Kerry greets him generously with: “I have to say, and I’ll be honest and hold my hands up, I thought you were going to be a bitch. But you’re lovely and funny!”
Kelly Osbourne’s soul gives exclusive behind-the-scenes access to her efforts to evict Satan from her body where he’s been squatting for the past seven years, including an exorcism conducted by Joe Pasquale.
• Kerry’s happiness when the makeover makes her, in Shaya’s words, “even more stunning”. “Ooh, wow, I look ace!” she cries.
Kerry Katona opens her heart to us about her painful divorce from the word ‘Troubled’, which shamelessly cheated on her by shacking up with both Britney Spears AND Amy Winehouse.
• Even though she’s a revered reality show star, Kerry is always thinking about her millions of fans. Even though she’s pregnant, she obviously doesn’t want to encourage procreation in those who aren’t multi-millionaire celebrities, and so the ads in the first ad break responsibly focused on pregnancy test kits (so there’s enough time for an abortion) alcoholic drinks (Southern Comfort) so fans are too drunk for casual sex, and inherent sterility (an ad for The Feeling’s new album). It’s no good being a cultural celebrity if you don’t think of your fans.
Peter Andre’s head weeps as it tells us how as an innocent, infant boulder it was kidnapped from a Surrey quarry and sold to heartless record company head honcho Simon Frankenstein.
• Kerry also found time to show off her compassionate side, eloquently stating: “I’ve not got a problem with gays; I’ve gays in the family!”
From a secret location, Daniel Radcliffe’s penis gives us the exclusive lowdown on how it evaded being photographed and appearing on the internet.
• It’s a scandal that she’s accused of being a bad mother. Listen very closely to this, “I hate being pregnant, but I love giving birth.” That’s right “giving birth” the part most mothers hate, this little flower of floritude “loves”. Stick that up your arse News of the World!
Michael Underwood’s surviving tears reveal all about how they were dragged from their beds at dawn and forced at gunpoint to leap to their doom from his eyes one by one to award authenticity to a tawdry reality show about ice skating.
• The happiness of Mark and Kerry when it’s revealed that their unborn child is a boy. It was a double-whammy for Mark as Kerry bought him a spanking new Ferrari as a thank-you for giving her a son.
In an exclusive chat, we’ll be chatting with Girls Aloud’s corporate marketing about claims that it has slept with at least 300 broadsheet journalists, charging only their microscopic souls as a fee!
• Kerry finally lays to wrest those unpleasant rumours about her alleged drug habits. She fesses that she took cocaine, but that was four years ago. “I want people to forget about the cocaine and remember Kerry who won the Jungle ’cos that’s me at the end of the day!”
We’ll have all the latest on the scandalous scandal of how millions of pounds of National Lottery money has been scandalously squandered on an archaeological dig in Hampshire that scandalously claims to be searching for the mythological lost city of Craig David’s sense of humour.
• Kerry and Mark also have a very strong bond. “What will you do if Jonathan Ross asks you about your smoking?” “I’ll tell him the truth!” “The real truth?” “The real truth.” It’s a rare thing amongst loving couples to have a separate level of truth that only they are privy to.
Jodie Marsh invites us in to see her new en suite bathroom that she’s had installed under her ribcage, which is in walking distance of the stables that were built in her buttocks in 2005.
What was bad about it?
• The shifty stylist Lorraine.
Lee Sharpe’s dignity gives us the lowdown from a Dignity Refuge, to where it fled with just the clothes on its back after being forced to tolerate six years’ of relentless abuse.
• The film crew were sometimes a little bit too nosy. Look, it’s not as if this genuine superstar icon needs the intrusion of a poxy reality show to promote her stellar talent; her talent alone does this.
A special 12-page pull-out on Westlife’s tireless charity work in the field of clinical anaesthesia, which has enabled many unwanted teenagers to be painlessly put down.
• That’s why we winced when Kerry broke down as she bemoaned her public image and snapped, “Stop filmin’!” It should never have got to that stage; the cameraman should have realised she was distressed and lain down his camera long before it reached that stage.
We chat with Mark Frith about Heat’s Grand Festival of Lies that features as headliners: ‘Pete Doherty’s teeth, veins and fingers have just taken out separate life insurance policies’ on Friday. Topping the bill on Saturday is: ‘Jude Law and his right hand have renewed their wedding vows’. And bringing things to a grandstand finish is: ‘Michael Jackson’s children are made from unsold copies of Invincible’.