The Kumars At No 42, BBC2

by | Dec 26, 2004 | All, Reviews

The Kumars At No 42: Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield and Jennifer Saunders

1. Mum, to Fern and Phillip: “I think you’re wonderful, but some people don’t like daytime TV. What do you say to scum like that?”

2. Gran, to Phillip Schofield about his stint in Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat: “What was it like filling Jason Donovan’s loin cloth?”

3. Dad, to Jennifer Saunders: “You were born in Lincolnshire, where the sausages come from. Do you enjoy sausages?”

The Kumars At No 42: Gaby Roslin and Charles Dance

1. Mum: “Mr Dance, when you were working on Jewel In The Crown you got herpes didn’t you?”

2. Dad to Gaby: “If your new show was a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would it be? A fancy biscuit like a custard cream or a Viennese whirl, or a plain biscuit? Or not a biscuit at all?”

3. Gran to Charles Dance: “You’ve been in Alien 3 and Space Truckers. Would you ever do a film just for the money?

4. Gran: “Charles, your fans are known as Charlie’s Angels. Is this because there are only three of them?”

5. Dad: “Mr Dance, you produced, wrote and directed your new film. Is this so you could get paid three times?”

The Kumars At No 42: Jools Holland and Tom Jones

1. Dad: “Mr Holland, your current band is a rhythm and blues orchestra, how many are in it? Because isn’t it true if you employ more than five people you are obliged to offer pension plans? Have you thought about forming smaller orchestras to get around the law.”

2. Granny: “Tom, had you heard of Jools.”

3. Dad: “Michael Jackson blamed it on the boogie – is that fair, Mr Holland?

4. Mum, to former Hoover salesman Tom Jones: “Our Hoover isn’t picking up. Could you have a look at it, Mr Jones.”

5: Dad: “Mr Holland, could you explain why ‘it’s cool for cats’ – cats do their business in a litter tray.”

The Kumars At No 42: Donny Osmond, David Baddiel and Kelly Holmes

1. Dad: “Mr Baddiel, I’ve got all of your novels. I ticked the wrong box on my book club form. Should I read them?”

2. Gran on Baddiel’s “soft, elegant hands”: “It’s almost as if you haven’t done a decent day’s work in your life.”

3. Sanjeev after Kelly Holmes had explained Seb Coe regretted not racing like she did and winning two golds at one Olympics: “So, he basically wished that he ran like a girl.”

4. Mum: “David, you shared a flat with Frank Skinner for many years. When did you realise you weren’t gay?”

5. Gran innocently to Donny Osmond sitting on the floor: “Are you dirty?” Donny: “No.” Gran lasciviously: “Would you like to be?”

6. Dad: “Are you a modern father, Mr Baddiel? Do you change nappies and smile at your child?”

The Kumars At No 42: Boxing Day

1. Dad to Anne Robinson about when he sold some contaminated bush meat and was concerned about Anne and Watchdog: “I was worried you would come after me. I’ve never felt more alive!”

2. Gran on Phil Collins’ Oscar win: “When they read your name out, were you as surprised as everyone else?”

3. Dad, after learning Anne had attended a Beatles concert in the Cavern Club: “Do you remember a small Indian man being ejected after jumping on stage and handing Ringo Starr a business card?”

4. Granny: “I have a traditional Christmas dinner – turkey, roast potatoes, stuffing – then it all gets liquidized and I drink it through a straw.”

5. Granny, on Anne’s trademark winks: “In my village everybody used to wink, but that was because their nervous systems were shot to bits by the mercury in the water. Is that why you wink?”

6. Dad, on the 40 foot high posters of Anne in New York’s Time Square to advertise Weakest Link: “I saw the posters, Miss Robinson. Brooding and powerful, like a jungle cat about to pounce.”

7. Dad: “Mr Collins, I once heard a story at my rotary club that you paid a man £8,000 who you’d never met before. For my peace of mind, please tell me it wasn’t true.”

8. As Mum fretted in the kitchen, Dad remarked to Phil: “Maudhri’s a bit starstruck, she’s just met Anne Robinson.”

9 & 10. Mum to Anne: “You’ve had lots of cosmetic surgery, haven’t you?” Dad: “That’s no way to talk to an attractive woman. But you have haven’t you?”

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

26/12/2004

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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