• Vicky Pollard smokes on the bus, where her credibility is ruined after her friend buys a ticket for her. Funny.
• Andy and Lou go to the ice rink. While Lou catches his breath on the edge of the rink, Andy skates past behind him eating a packet of crisps. Funny.
• Viv, the jewellery shop owner is the victim of an armed robbery where she took a shine to the handsome gunmen. “He was gorgeous, he was wearing these tight jeans..” Funny.
• A man who looks like Mr T works out in the gym and is surprised when compared to the A-Team muscle man, who he has never heard of. Not funny.
• While out for a stroll transvestites Emily and Flo encounter a group of lads playing football, where Emily is unable to overcome the urge to indulge in her former career. “You used to play football,.” remarks Flo, “you were left back for QPR..” Funny.
• Marjorie changes her racist attitude towards Meera after she wins on the National Lottery (“Not the jackpot, that went to a white man.”), but after Meera refuses to give Marjorie a share her old bigotry resurfaces: “What you have done, Meera, is theft!.” Funny.
• The PM’s former aide, and Sebastian’s predecessor (Jamie Theakston), arrives for a meeting. “Prime Minister, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t bring your exes round..” Funny.
• Hypnotist Kenny Craig (“Look into my eyes, not around the eyes…”) “convinces.” his mother to fetch the coffee and not turn the TV over for Songs of Praise. Not funny.
• Dr Beagrie shows Dr Gill how far the mentally disabled Anne has progressed as she throws food at the ducks and pisses into the lake. Funny.
• Mr Man searches for a birthday card. The intimidated shopkeeper claims he is on his lunh hour and so calls for his wife to serve him, but she refuses claiming she “has no arms or legs.”. The card is for a 65-year-old. Who hates dogs. And cats. And cartoon frogs. And who is called Mike Phillipides. Funny.
• PC’s Price and Rawlinson report the death of a man to his wife. But get the wrong address. Not funny.
• Jeremy Rent gets Dennis Waterman a guest slot on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, but the former Minder actor turns it down as he isn’t able to “write the theme tune, sing the theme tune.”. Funny.
• After finding the right house PCs Price and Rawlinson try to cheer up the bereaved widow by telling her about how they initially got the wrong house. Not funny.
• Dafydd is forlorn in the pub after failing his audition for Hamlet. “It’s very difficult for gay people to make it in the theatre..” Funny.
• In the supermarket car park, Lou is annoyed that his van has been boxed in and so wanders off to get help. While he is away, Andy turns the offending car over and out of the van’s way. Funny.
Totals – Funny. 11; Not funny: Four
• Transvestites Emily and Florence go shopping for bride’s and bridesmaid’s dresses. Funny.
• While the Prime Minister and the US President argue, Sebastian and his American counterpart squabble through abusive gestures. Not funny.
• Bubbles streaks through the health club to avoid her bill and takes refuge from the owner in a solarium bed, emerging three hours later burned to a crisp. Funny.
• At the pub Lou introduces Andy to his Polish girlfriend Anya. But a jealous Andy climbs out of his wheelchair and lies prone on the floor claiming Anya pushed him. Lou responds by calling Anya an “evil Pole”. Funny.
• Linda the student counsellor identifies the student visiting her to her department head as a “big, fat lesbian”. Not funny.
• Dr Lawrence demonstrates how the fake mentally disabled Anne is reintegrating into the community through her work at a bowling alley. Funny.
• As Marjorie Daws weighs her Fat Fighters, she takes the opportunity to insult Pat and Paul, who have recently begun a relationship. Funny.
• Dafydd stoutly stands behind his gay and lesbian store in the village fete and is surprised when the vicar doesn’t condemn his sexuality. And he is even more shocked when the vicar is revealed to be gay. And the verger, too. “Whatever happened to good old fashioned religious homophobia?” he cries while storming off. Funny.
• Linda the student counsellor helps Kenneth Lou get excuses and describes him to the department head over the phone in a racist manner. Not funny.
• Harvey Pinches and his parents meet his girlfriend Jane and her parents at a restaurant, where Harvey can’t wait for his food and ends up having his “bitty”
in his mother’s lap, suckling her breast to the horror of Jane’s parents. Funny.
• The Monotone Bank Clerk refuses to open a little boy’s first account because “the computer says no”. Not funny.
• Vicky Pollard goes rollerblading in the park where she tries to pull her mate’s boyfriend. Funny.
• Jeremy Rent secures a role for Dennis Waterman in the new Birdseye advert, but Dennis is disappointed when he discovers they don’t want him to “write the theme
tune, sing the theme tune”. Funny.
• Linda the student counsellor needs to describe Paul, a dwarf student, to clear confusion over his grant cheque. “That’s right, the Umpa-Lumpa.” Funny.
• Mr Man ventures into the video rental store to search for a film starring Chevy Chase and Rick Moranis as cops who go undercover as rappers to foil a drugs deal. Certificate 15. Shop owner: “I don’t think it’s been made.”; Mr Man: “It’s OK, I’ll wait until it’s been made.” Funny.
• Maggie and Judith welcome a Tory to the WI where Maggie samples a bon bon which she enjoys until she is informed the recipe “is one of Ainsley Harriott’s”. Cue a gush of vomit all over the Tory. Funny.
• While on a walk in the countryside, Lou and Andy get lost so Lou asks a passing rider for directions. As she directs him home, Andy steals the horse and gallops off into the sunset. Funny.
Totals Funny: 13; Not Funny: Four.
• Vicky Pollard gets caught shoplifting. (“I well hate this shop. Someone found a rat in the chocolate raisins. I swear on Duncan out of Blue’s life”) Funny
• Florence and Emily visit a restaurant, where Emily guides Florence in transvestite toilet etiquette. “Don’t forget to sit down when you piss!” Funny
• The grotesque, obese Bubbles seduces the manager of a health club in order to settle an outstanding bill. Funny, as Matt Lucas in a naked fat suit was even grosser than Val Denton during Nude Day in the League of Gentlemen.
• Andy watches himself on The Price Is Right, while Lou does the washing up and convinces himself that “Andy Pipkin! Come On Down!” couldn’t mean his Andy. Funny.
• Maggie, the bigoted old lady, judges the jam at a country fete for her friend Judy. Maggie appreciates the jam until Judy tells her it was made by “deviant” members of society, at which point she disgorges it like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. “No more lesbian jam, I can’t keep it down!” Funny.
• Dafydd, the only gay in the village, comes out to his ma’ and da’, who aren’t shocked or disapproving. “Haven’t you had any arse action at all?” – ma’ (Ruth Madoc). Funny.
• Marjorie Daws welcomes Vanessa Feltz to Fat Fighters and ends up spitting in her face. Funny.
• The monotone bank loan advisor. Customer: “Can I borrow £15000?”; MBLA: “Computer says ‘No’.”; Customer: “Can I see the manager?”; MBLA: “Computer says ‘No’.” Funny.
• The wealthy Harvey Pinches takes his girlfriend to meet his parents at their huge rural mansion. But Harvey gets impatient for his dinner, and then his “bitty”, that turns out to be his mother’s breast milk which he suckles in her lap. Funny.
• Mr Man looks for a date. Specifically any woman named Linda Williams. (“We’ve got a Linda Willis.”; “Would she be interested in changing her name?”) Between the ages of 38 and 39. With a glass eye. Pretty much the same formula as the Pirate Memory Game sketch from the first series, but still funny.
• Prime Minister’s aide Sebastian gets put out when Michael chooses his rival Gregory to attend a conference in Bruges with him, so as revenge he flirts with the visiting leader of the opposition (played by Nigel Havers). Funny, but the weakest sketch in the show.
• Having completed judging the jam, Maggie accepts a cake from the mayor and is enjoying it until she is told it was made by homeless people and vomits it into hear tea. Which she thin sips elegantly. Funny.
• Lou and Andy visit the park where Andy is mocked by a group of youths. As Lou feeds the ducks, Andy beats the crap out of the youths. Funny.
Total Funny: 13; Not Funny: Zero
• Lou takes Andy to the park for a date with Francesca, a woman in a wheelchair. But Andy is unimpressed (“I don’t want that one”) and pushes her down the sloping path past a startled Lou. Funny, if a little cruel.
• Vicky Pollard introduces her new black boyfriend Jermaine to her gang using Jamaican patois. But he speaks in a middle class accent. Funny.
• In a restaurant, a middle-aged woman tries to set her friend up on a date and passes her a picture of him naked. Funny.
• A reverend from New York takes a service by storm at a quiet English church. Not funny.
• At Fat Fighters, Pat and Paul are preparing a buffet for their engagement party but a jealous Marjorie berates them for the fatty food on offer which she disgustedly throws in her bag before storming off. Funny.
• Kenny Craig hypnotises his entire audience into believing they have witnessed a wonderful show so he can just sit down and read Bravo Two Zero. Funny.
• Dafydd goes to the pub after a rugby game against the gay Bangor rugby team – a game that resulted in a 96-0 defeat because he is “the only gay in the village”. But he is challenged by other villagers who also claim to be gay (“I’m a bit old for rugby, but I’m a fan of fisting.”) Funny.
• Kenny Craig awakens the audience from their trance. Not funny.
• In the restaurant, the middle-aged lady tries to set up her friend with another man, who is seen in a photograph with his penis sticking out of his flies. Funny.
• Harvey Pincher and Jane are getting married but, before he completes his vows, he demands his “bitty” from his mother before giving his new wife a kiss with a milky moustache. Funny.
• Jeremy Rent gets a job for Dennis Waterman in Star Wars, but Dennis insists that he must “write the feme tune, sing the feme tune”. Funny.
• Bubbles De Vere interrupts a meeting of the board of the health club clad only in cosmetic mud where she flirts grotesquely with the owner, bending over the impress him (“It’s winking”). Funny.
• Mr Mann goes into the shop looking for a record of “James Last playing the hits of Nelly Furtado. On a banjo.” Where the picture on the cover must be of “James Last holding out his hands to display stigmata”. Which the shopkeeper has in stock. Clutching the record under his arm, Mr Mann storms out of the shop in a temper. Funny.
• In the restaurant, the middle aged lady shows her single friend another naked picture of a potential date and his brother (“You can see the resemblance”). Funny.
• While WI stalwarts Judy and Maggie are at a fete, Maggie is offered gingerbread by her Brownie granddaughter. Maggie says the food is “delicious”, until she is told they were baked by Anisha at which point she sprays thick vomit all over her granddaughter. Funny.
• At a celebration of their election victory, Sebastian forces the Prime Minister to dance with him to Careless Whisper. When the song ends, the PM makes a hasty escape, only to be grabbed and snogged by his admirer. Funny.
• On the seafront, Andy demands to go swimming in the sea but Lou refuses. But as Lou pauses to buy a choc ice, Andy quickly strips and goes for a paddle. Afterwards, as the oblivious Lou pushes Andy, he asks: “Is there a reason why you’re naked?” Funny.
Totals Funny: 15, Not Funny: Two.
• Andy and Lou go ten-pin bowling. While Lou takes a phone call, Andy gets a ball and runs right up to the pins and smashes the pins down to get a strike. Funny.
• Vicky Pollard tries to get backstage at a Blazin’ Squad gig. Funny.
• Transvestites Emily and Flo play mixed doubles with two men, who remark later in the shower on how “weird the women were”, only to be upbraided by Emily who is washing in the adjacent cubicle. Funny.
• A psychiatrist tenderly listens to the troubles of a woman who had an affair with her brother-in-law. As soon as she is out the door, the psychiatrist is gossiping about her affair on the phone with a friend. Funny.
• At Fat Fighters, Marjorie vindictively coerces the month’s top slimmer Pat to take a test to see if she can guess reduced fat éclairs from real éclairs. Funny.
• Mrs B feeds the workmen renovating her home as though they were her dogs. Funny.
• Viv Tudor attends a police identity parade to pick out the man who robbed her jewellery store. Some are gorgeous. Not funny.
• Sebastian disrupts the Prime Minister’s appearance on Newsnight with Gavin Esler. Funny.
• The caring psychiatrist listens as a patient explains how he is addicted to sex with prostitutes. As soon as he has left he’s on the phone to a friend: “You were right – prozzies.” Funny.
• After spending the night with his girlfriend, Kenny Craig must hypnotise her to explain away why he has been stealing her underwear for his own debauched purposes. Funny.
• The Michael Winner look-a-like in the restaurant orders a meal with “beef campachio to start”, and “a Yorkie, buttered.” Not funny.
• A Glasgow drugs counsellor alternates between being hard on his group of addicts (“You’re an addict! You’re scum!”), and a softer approach (“We’re going to take care of you.”) Funny.
• Dr Lawrence shows Dr Beagrie how fake disabled patient Anne is progressing as she does drawings in a park. But when he picks up her pad, he observes she has depicted a flick-book of a penis becoming erect and then ejaculating. Funny.
• Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber (Jon Culshaw) visits agent Jeremy Rent because he wants Dennis Waterman to star as Jim Bergerac in Bergerac: The Musical. But things go awry when Dennis insists he must “write the feme tune, sing the feme tune.” Funny.
• The Monotone Mortgage Advisor has to ask the computer if she can attend a colleague’s leaving do, but “computer says no”. Not funny.
• Dafydd goes to the pub for a celebration but is outraged to find it is Myfanwy’s lesbian wedding. “If I get married it will be to a woman and lead to a life of misery and repression!” he trumpets. Very funny.
• While Andy enjoys his annual bath, he insists to Lou he doesn’t want to go to Chessington World of Adventures but Paris. As Lou pushes his wheelchair next to the Eiffel Tower, Andy pipes up: “I wanna go to Chessington.” Funny.
Totals Funny: 15, Not Funny: Two.
• Vicki is down the police station after being arrested for stealing a horse, where she spots a poster offering a £10,000 reward for information about an armed robbery which she tries to claim in vain. Funny.
• WI stalwarts Maggie and Judy attend a carol service where Maggie enjoys a mince pie until she is told it was made by the verger and his gay lover. Cue projectile vomiting. Funny.
• A Pakistani newsagent remarks on the shopping habits of a customer. After the customer picks up a can of pop he says: “Thirsty..” A chocolate bar: “Hungry..” A
newspaper: “Trying to catch up on the news..” And finally, an adult magazine: “Planning a wank..” Funny.
• A Michael Winner lookalike orders a lavish course in a restaurant. And then adds a side order – a Double Decker. Not funny.
• Transvestites Emily and Flo attend the ballet. “Two ladies’ tickets for the ballet, s’il vous plait..”; “They’re the same price, sir..” Funny.
• Much to Lou’s annoyance Andy insists on reading in church dressed as the Baby Jesus, which Lou accommodates by converting Andy’s wheelchair into a vertical crib. Funny.
• Dr Lawrence shows Dr Beagrie the progress of his (fake) mentally disabled patient Anne as she takes a starring role in a local theatre production where she tosses props over the audience and lifts her skirt up to a co-star. Funny.
• The Fat Fighters go out to a restaurant for their Christmas meal where domineering Marjorie orders salads or “dust.” for her class, and then slips surreptitiously below the table to gorge on her own fatty meal. Funny.
• Dafydd leads a one man protest in his local library for “gay books.” and lays out an array of his own literature to the shelves, including “I Tried It Once And I Didn’t Like It.” by Michael Portillo, only to be shocked when the librarian shows him they already have a thriving gay and lesbian section. Funny.
• The Michael Winner lookalike orders more posh food followed by “a Lion bar and a Pepperami.”. Not funny.
• Sebastian is incandescent with rage when the Prime Minister reveals that his wife is pregnant (“So it’s definitely his, is it.”). He is asked to compose a press release: “We regret to announce…” Funny.
• The monotone bank clerk sorts out a couple’s mortgage until “the computer says no.”. Not funny.
• Harvey Pinchers, his parents, grandmother and fiancée organise the catering for the wedding, only for Harvey to become impatient for his “bitty.”, which his mother accedes to but as she runs dry he transfers to his grandmother’s teat. Funny.
• Hypnotist Kenny Craig prangs a vehicle while manoeuvring out of a car park and has to hypnotise first the warden, then a witness then the vehicle’s owner to convince them he wasn’t responsible. Funny.
• The Michael Winner lookalike orders “wild truffle and roquefort salad.” followed by “a bag of Monster Munch.”. Not funny.
• Mr Mann goes into the shop for a book on “Mediaeval English music dated between 1356 and 1390.”, which the shopkeeper has. But Mr Mann’s disguised joy is tempered when the book has 312 pages, and he was looking for a tome of 306 pages. “Do you think the author would be interested in rewriting it? Maybe taking out all the ‘o’s..” Funny.
• Bubbles interrupts health club owner Mr Hutton’s meeting with the news that she finally has the cheque to pay her bills. But she tears it up insisting that Mr Hutton would rather bugger her. Funny.
• Lou returns from the ice cream van to find Andy in a tree. After the fire brigade get him down, Lou is thanking the fire chief while behind him Andy scales the tree once more to retrieve a football. Funny.
Totals – Funny: 14, Not funny: Four