Thursday 17 November 2005
• The naked catfight at the Hillrange Health Spa between Bubbles DeVere and her ex-husband’s new bride Desiree after Bubbles, with her tray of Special K, told Desiree: “You don’t want to have that Monster Munch raspberry yoghurt. You already look like a hippo, darling.”
• Vicky Pollard (“V to tha P to tha Icky to tha Ollard”) getting annoyed when a new gang of girls invade the council estate playground. “Who the Hollyoaks omnibus is that? They are all gonna get beaten.” But instead of a fight, there’s a West Side Story-style dance-off. Vicky tries her best but has to resort to a nipple tweak in the end to see of her rather nimbler rival.
• Daffyd’s attempt to find work as a rent boy Scott. “I’ve got the looks. I’ve got the body. The vicar has very kindly said he’ll put a notice in the parish news.” The advert claims he looks like Dermot O’Leary – he doesn’t.
• Matt Lucas’s portrayal of Thai bride Ting-Tong Macadangdang who foisted herself on Dudley (a little too close to Lou the carer in mannerisms; and far too close to John McCririck in appearance) in his flat on the Mike McShane Estate – although the actual sketch was predictable and not especially funny.
• Tom Baker’s narration. “Britain, Britain, Britain – “A bloody lovely place to live. Discovered in 1972, lost in 1974, then found again a few years later hiding under Belgium.” Plus his attempts at once-hip phrases such as “Push it, Push it good, Push it real good.”
• The monosyllabic Carol is now working in a travel agency but still saying “Computer says no.” She is trying to ‘help’ a vegetarian customer. “I’ve go a nut rissole on a flight to Beijing that leaves in 10 minutes.”
• The Prime Minister wants to show Sebastian “something private, something sensitive and potentially quite explosive.” Sebastian gets his hopes up but it’s only a file revealing the PM sold arms to Iran. But Sebastian does manage to force his boss to dust his office in a leather thong in return for destroying the file.
• Sir Norman Fry, the Tory MP for Buxom who assembled his family at the front gate of his lavish home to explain away an unfortunate incident to the press. “I decided to go for a relaxing drive through the Kings Cross area,” he told them. “Whilst there, I saw a young Rastafarian gentlemen. During the journey, I pulled over into a nearby alleyway so I could safely reach into the glove compartment for a Murray Mint.”
• Andy and Lou at the aquarium (Andy goes swimming with the fishes while Lou isn’t sure about the plural of octopus – “I always get my pusses and pies mixed up”) and an air show (Andy descends into his wheelchair by parachute).
• Rob Brydon as an unconvincing Cockney geezer Roman DeVere
• Mrs Emery (“she is what we in Britain call an OAP, which stands for Old And Putrid,” boomed Baker) wetting herself in the supermarket
• Emily Howard and lady friend Florence requesting help for their facial hair problem at the chemist’s
• Mental institution patient Anne appears on Stars in Their Eyes as Celine Dion, squeaking her way through My Heart Will Go On
• University student Robin Dashwood is insulted for being bald by secretary Linda
• Marjorie Daws arrives at Fatfighters with a harsh tan (Hawaiian Sunset) and the group takes the mickey out of her.
Little Britain, BBC1, Thursday 24 November 2005
• Asbo enthusiast Vicky Pollard finds a new job. She leaves half of her children (six) outside in their pushchairs and gets down to work as sexline worker Sapphire. “I’m wearing really sexy knickers from George at Asda,” she tells a caller, who turns out to be her uncle. She also claims she’s with three models (from the Freemans catalogue) called Ferrero, Rocher and Twix. “I’m well lezzing it up.”
• After a “very pleasant” night’s sex, Dudley discovers Thai bride Ting Tong is a ladyboy.
• Tom Baker’s narration including “Put a first-class stamp on an envelope and it’s guaranteed to possibly arrive at some point, somewhere if you’re lucky”; and “the Thames was modelled on the opening credits of EastEnders”.
* Marjorie Dawes brings her new boyfriend Derek to the Fatfighters meeting for some keep fit routines and brags to the class that’s he’s already stretched her. “Once you’ve had black, you ain’t going back.”
• Andy appears on Richard & Judy’s You Say, We Pay but messes up – and he goes waterskiing while on a River Thames boat trip with Lou
• Mr Mann wants to buy a picture of a disappointed horse but makes do with a displeased owl
• When the leader of the opposition (Nigel Havers) claims the PM is looking old, Sebastian bursts into the chamber to reassure him by singing Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful
• Maggie Blackamoor vomits all over the hospital ward when she’s told the new kidney she’s received came from a Mrs Banarjee
• An old people’s home worker gets Mrs Carpenter to her feet – and then nicks her seat
• Daffyd has a girlfriend. “I’m going to be living a lie. My bottom, for now, remains sealed.”
• Bubbles and Desiree squabble in the steam room
• At Dane Bowersville University, Linda humiliates a female student with a body hair problem
• Mrs Nimmo wets herself at the post office
• At an Indian restaurant, Don opts for a vindaloo, which is so hot is makes him spurt out TV catchphrases and snatches of songs
Little Britain, BBC1, Thursday 1 December
• EastEnders actor Derek ‘Charlie Slater’ Martin attends a meeting of FatFighters and Marjorie Dawes tells everyone not to make a fuss. “He’s not even one of the main ones.” But she’s totally starstruck. “I never watch it myself but what’s going to happen between Kat and Alfie,” she asks. She also gets overexcited about Nigel Harman and demands to know what happens to all the characters “in the end”.
• Vicky Pollard tries to sell a story to PR agent Cliff about the night she was roasted by footballers in a luxury hotel called the Travelodge after meeting them at Chinese Whites, populated by Dean Gaffney, Jodie Marsh and the cast of Coronation Street (“Even that little Chesney was trying to get his tongue down my throat”). When the agent demands evidence, she produces a drawing of her in bed with Bobby Charlton, Sven Goran Eriksson, Thierry Henry, David Beckham and Wayne Rooney. “They all had well tiny knobs.” Cliff isn’t convinced so she tries again. “I was in a gangbang with G4.”
• Lettie, whose home is full of frog ornaments and pictures, reacts badly when her friends give her a real frog as a birthday present. She’s so scared she batters the creature to death with a rolling pin and throws him out the window – but the window is closed and the gooey corpse sticks to the pane.
• Tom Baker’s narration. “Britain, Britain, Britain. There’s so much to see and do here. Why not get stuck in the one-way system in Birmingham or caught up in a fight in a car park in Swansea or get food poisoning from a motorway services café just outside Stoke?”
• Dudley discovers Thai bride Ting Tong’s from Tooting after she displays a great knowledge of Britain during a game of Trivial Pursuit. But to avoid being thrown out, she dresses as keep fit guru Green Goddess, who Dudley has a thing about.
• Sir Norman Fry makes a statement to the press about an incident in the toilets on Hampstead Heath. “I met two men, Carlos and Eduardo, who invited me into their cubicle to talk about government policy. Unfortunately I slipped on the wet floor and became sandwiched between the two men.” He also lost a watch inside one of them.
• Orville is out shopping without Keith Harris when he’s accosted by a fan. He reveals they don’t always work together. Indeed, Orville’s going up for a part in The Bill as a racist officer.
• Andy has breasts implanted – but then wants them taken out.
• Anne plays piano at a posh restaurant, squeaking and bashing the keys
• Monosyllabic travel agent Carol can’t help a couple who want a 50th anniversary cruise, offering P&O from Dover to Calais or a trip on a nuclear waste vessel instead.
• Bubbles rapes Roman while he’s having a facial.
• At an Indian restaurant, Don opts for a spicy jalfrezi which is so hot is makes him spurt out TV catchphrases and snatches of songs
Little Britain, BBC1, Thursday 8 December 2005
• On the eve of her wedding, Emily takes Florence out on the pull on a hen night. “If any man should wish to take advantage of me on my final night of freedom, they should speak up now,” she announced to the pub. There’s no interest. Indeed, one customer lets a pin drop. But Emily and Florence are in luck when a drunken stag party turns up. “They’re so drunk, they don’t know what they’re doing.” Fast forward to the morning after when two cute lads hold that “don’t think much of yours” conversation while the “ladies” are in their beds.
• Lou and Andy are playing frisbee when Andy throws it so far it gets caught on an electricity pylon. While Lou seeks help, Andy races up the pylon, gets electrocuted and returns, a bit burnt, to his wheelchair. “There’s a strong smell of burning fat,” says Lou as they depart.
• Dudley steals flowers from a roadside shrine for Ting-Tong, but gets angry when he finds her mother has moved in. Until the pair of them get down on their knees and plead, nestling his groin as they do so.
• Tom Baker’s narration. “Mahatma Ghandi, Leonardo da Vinci, Ludwig van Beethoven – all British. Even Jesus Christ was from Woking in Surrey.”
• An old man at St Shaznay’s Hospital prolongs the death bed scene with his grieving family. “I must just use the loo before I die.”
• Travel agent Carol can’t help a priest with a trip to Lourdes (“Fly-drive to Mecca?”) or a woman who want’s to go to Kefalonia, the location of Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. (“I’ve got some rooms in the Towering Inferno.”)
• Marjorie Dawes refuses to be pleased when two of her Fat Fighters announce they’re expecting a baby. “That baby’s gonna be born a cake addict. He’ll come out and have to go into cold chicken.” She suggests they call him Jabba.
• Daffyd is standing in a by-election for the Gay Rights For Gays Party. His policies include creating a 24-hour cruising area in the park, turning the old folks home into a sauna and the erection of statues of Colin and Justin on the village green. He’s not expecting any votes but an elderly woman assures him: “Lots of folk round here drop anchor in poo bay.”
• Mr Mann at the newsagent. He wants Bad Feet Monthly or Athletes Foot Times or Verucca Today or What Bunion or Ingrowing Toenail Weekly – indeed, any magazine devoted to problem feet. He’s already got Celebrity Callous Monthly and isn’t impressed by Foot & Ankle Pain Bonanza, even though the newsagent goes to a lot of trouble to dig it out among other publications such as the Molesters’ Review and Out Of Date Crisps Periodical.
• Sebastian turns against the Prime Minister because he’s grown a moustache while on holiday.
• Racist Tory Margaret Blackamoor’s racist dog vomits over a Chinese shitzu.
• Mrs Emery urinating in the library
• Bubbles (“one-time body double for Joan Collins”) heads to the supermarket when ex-husband Roman tells her he preferred her before she lost weight.
• Sid Pegg’s Neighbour Watch emergency meeting to deal with the threat from gypsies, gippoes, gippolatas.
• Linda at the university
Little Britain, BBC1, Thursday 15 December 2005
• Tom Baker’s narration, including: “We have exported so many great things around the world – slavery, hooliganism and Starlight Express.” “Computers date back to the reign of Henry VIII. Back then, you could only get Pacman and Snoopy Tennis.” “Fancy dress parties were invented in 1971 by Professor Ian Fancy Dress Party.”
• Vicky Pollard is babysitting little Archie. She turns up late (her excuses involve a boy with two stars at McDonald’s for slicing gherkins and cleaning up piss), demands “Got any Pernod?” and brags “I’m like well good with kids. I’ve shat out six myself.” When the parents get home, there’s a rave at the nearly-wrecked house and little Archie has been sent up the offy for more fags.
• MP Sir Norman Fry makes a statement to the press: “I accidentally took a picture of myself naked. That found its way on to Gaydar, a dating site for sodomites.” He explained he was invited to a party in Brighton which he accepted so he could go an explain government policy. “My clothes accidentally fell off. I slipped on a glacé cherry and landed inside one of the men. As far as we’re concerned, that’s the end of the matter.”
• Daffyd, who’s busy updating his Will Young scrapbook (“he’s been an inspiration to me”), refuses to help his mother, get a job or find a flat because he’s gay. “There’s several jobs I’m interested in – hairdresser, airline steward, children’s TV presenter – they simply don’t employ the gays.” Mum (Ruth Madoc) gets annoyed. “My own mum rejecting me simply for wanting men’s todgers in my bum-bum.”
• Sid Pegg’s Neighbour Watch meeting. He’s outraged that an empty can of Lilt was kicked down the close by a gang and a street-sign was defaced. And he recommends sleeping with a weapon under the pillow. In his case, the weapon is another pillow.
• Sebastian pushed the PM’s wife out the way so he can be photographed hugging his boss on the steps of 10 Downing Street. Then he gets jealous of foreign policy expert Gregory who is joining the PM to the Middle East peace talks. Sebastian tries to outshine Gregory by recommending his own solutions: “How about one side have it Monday to Friday; the other lot have it weekends. Trisha? Musical Chairs?” He then warns Gregory: “He doesn’t love you. He’s just using you for sex.” After Sebastian departs, the PM tells Gregory: “I do love you” and the couple kiss.
• Marjorie Dawes ranting about cake and being caught eating a string of sausages and a fish
• Emily Howard pushes Florence round in a pram, pretending he’s her baby. “It’s not easy being a young mother.”
• Lou and Andy – rolling in cement and scoring a try at rugby
• Carol at SunSearchers fails to find a suitable travel insurance package for a couple
• Linda at the university insults Mary the Mole
• The horse expert in a computer shop
* Mr Mann enters a fancy dress shop and wants a costume of David Baddiel – Unplanned era not the Mary Whitehouse Experience
Little Britain, BBC1, Saturday 24 December 2005
Did we like it?
About 70 per cent was good which isn’t bad.
What was good about it?
• Tom Baker’s narration including “Britain, Britain, Britain – the land that gave the world so much: mad cow disease, happy slapping and Sky One’s Dream Team” and “If you’re the sort of person who wants to eat chilli con carne for three years and then spend the rest of your life in debt, why not go to university?” and “If you’re going to be ill in six weeks’ time, why not book an appointment with your doctor?”
• Vicky Pollard making her own winning lottery ticket and spinning a tale involving Colleen who has a nut allergy. “I gave her a peanut Revel but told her it was a coffee one, and she had to go to hospital. It’s not my fault you’re so gay you can’t even eat a peanut.”
• Bubbles, covered in acupuncture needles, rushing to see the departing Roman and Desiree
• Andy being left Lou-less when his carer had to take time off because his mother has died. Nasty Mrs Meade took Lou’s place, bashing Andy’s legs to ascertain he has no feeling, banning choc ices and TV, and singing Onward Christian Soldiers. The show ended with Andy pushing her off a cliff. Hooray.
• Emily is upset that Florence has reverted to being Fred but she tempts him back into the world of transvestitism by showing him a lovely silk frock
• Linda the university secretary receives a visit from all the students who she’s upset.
• Marjorie Dawes points out good foods (lettuce, Ryvita, dust) and bad foods (choglud [sic], crisps, cake) but then upsets Pat, leading to a walkout by the entire group
• Nurse nicking a resident’s food at the old people’s home
• Daffyd heads off to London. “With my physique, I’ll be able to get a job as a go-go dancer.” But then he gets cold feet.
• Dudley Pont’s flat is taken over by Ting Tong’s Thai restaurant while he nips down the offy
• The Prime Minister is resigning and Sebastian refuses to work with his successor. “I don’t like him. He’s all fat and Scottish.” After a tantrum, he gets a gift from the PM – a watch – and in return strips naked and rubs himself up against the love of his life
What was bad about it?
• The computer saying yes in the travel agency
• Mrs Emery urinating at the doctor’s.
• Psychiatric patient Anne decorates the dayroom with Merry Xmas in faeces and fish fingers on the tree. Then she pulls out the mistletoe and licks the face of Dr Beagrie.