Did we like it?
Despite all the anaesthetising, cosmetic embellishments it still isn’t preferable to euthanasia.
What was good about it?
• Fearne Cotton is a far better presenter than Kelly Brook and has an admirable sense of self-awareness that she is hosting something utterly worthless, occasionally looking accordingly embarrassed. But she does have a horrid habit of misusing the hip young vernacular of ‘the street’ no matter how nonsensical it sounds. “It’s totally raining” and “v. true” were this programme’s faux pas.
• The game where the 11 nobodies had to locate countries of the globe was hilarious. Victoria Hervey stuck a pin on the map into what she thought was the USA, it wasn’t it was Canada all of which was made worse by the fact that she lives in California. Kelle Bryan was asked to find Spain – she stuck a pin in France. Alicia Douvall thought Portugal was just across the channel in Belgium, while Colleen inexplicably located South Africa in Thailand. Chris Brosnan was no better, he believed that they were all sunning themselves in New Zealand not Fiji, and Brendan Cole thought Chile was off the coast of Mexico.
• Brendan Cole, Leo “the Lion” and Kelle Bryan who we haven’t seen in reality TV shows before. (Brendan Cole was in Strictly Come Dancing, but as it was something he was good at it doesn’t count.)
• Brendan Cole was the first to select one of the girls to pair off with, and he surveyed them with all the clinical inhumanity of a farmer choosing which pigs to send to the abattoir.
• Brendan also commented about the coupled-up people sharing beds: “Half panicked; half said ‘OK, well’; and half secretly enjoyed it.”
What was bad about it?
• Alicia Douvall whose eyes have the purity of two deep lakes, which would be lovely if they weren’t set in the churning industrial estate of the rest of her face that looks like it has been rebuilt after heavy cluster bombing. Alicia’s list of ex-boyfriends includes Mick Hucknall, P. Diddy and Dean Gaffney, which is akin to boasting that you’ve suffered from leprosy, piles and gonorrhoea.
• Sophie Anderton’s complaints after she was the only one left without a partner, during which she said far too often that she was “fine”, before curling into a ball of self-pity like a spider hit with a rolled-up tabloid newspaper that probably featured a topless picture of Sophie trying to cash in on the World Cup.
• While Celebrity was removed from the title, the credibility of the show was dashed on the rocks when Patrick Kielty referred to the non-entities as “11 single celebrities” and later during the geography challenge it stated that they were “all celebrities”.
• The fish stocks in the North Sea are currently running dangerously low, but the situation is far worse in the Ocean of Oblivion where the once-famous, the semi-famous and the never-to-be-famous-but-who-would-kill-to-be-in-Heat reside. Was this bunch really the best they could haul out of the ocean? Bianca Gascoigne, daughter of Paul, and Chris Brosnan have no claims to be anything other than a nobody; Alicia Douvall and Colleen Shannon are models of no-repute; Shane Lynch has once more been dragged from Davy Jones’ Boyband Locker as the blue-lipped cadaver of Mikey Graham eyes him enviously; Sophie Anderton has actually suffered the indignity of being relegated from I’m A Celebrity to the deepest depths of desperation; and Lee Otway provides the obligatory Hollyoaks presence, a programme that, like the Cyber factories in Dr Who, is responsible for plucking young people off the streets, stripping them of the last vestiges of their decency before expelling them back into society as fleshy fuel for reality TV shows.
• The worst, however, is ‘Lady’ Victoria Hervey, who embodies within every atom damned to fuel her life on this planet the nadir of ‘celebrity’.
• Sophie Anderton’s admiration for Brendan Cole because he didn’t sell his story of the alleged dalliance with Natasha Kaplinsky to the papers; as though the desire to shed all sense of dignity to appear in the tabloids to inject the elixir of publicity in to a sorry career is, in her eyes, the epitome of public decency.
• Kelle Bryan’s insistence that she does her “best to lead a Christian lifestyle” as she appears on the nearest thing TV has ever come to a brothel.
• Sophie Anderton: “I can’t bear people who do kiss and tell stories.” Neither can we, they’re just as bad as people who clog up TVs in their bid to become famous for fame’s sake.
• Colleen Shannon’s voice undulates like a scalpel roughly cutting through a gristly tumour in a wild boar’s corpse. She also reckons she’s a “spiritual person”, which defines her as superfluous and superficial in much the same way as the chronically moronic claim membership of MENSA or A-Level results to validate their intellect.
• Brendan Cole: “I speak my mind!” This is the common euphemism for idiots who are always wrong about everything and who need to cling to a sliver of self-esteem.
• The girls made a pact on the way to the island. “There’s no falling out over any guy!” In a few days, that pact will be as worthless as Neville Chamberlain’s Peace In Our Time ‘triumph’.
• Lee Otway acts like a 13-year-old boy who has grown his bum fluff in order to hire out 15-rated DVDs so he can have a wank.
• Streets singer Leo remarked on first meeting the girls, “I’m not going to be able to remember everybody’s name.” So much for them all being celebrities.
• When Patrick ended a sentence “11 celebrities all washed up…” Fearne interjected: “Paddy!” Before he continued: “Washed up on a beach.” Some of these ‘celebrities’ can have no concept of being washed up as they have never been afloat in the first place.