Now the dust has settled after the conflicts and conflagrations on that idyllic paradise populated by precociously cantankerous parasites, we are able to provide a casualty list:
Chris Brosnan: The owner of the most improbably-broad shoulders in pseudo-showbiz that seem good for nothing other than acting as an impromptu bridge. He did little other than flash his teeth that were so white and glaring had France used them instead of the Maginot Line in World War Two then the inexorable onrush of Nazi Germany could have been stopped dead in its tracks.
Kelle Bryan: ITV1, quickly drain her of her copious pints of self-delusion (“I’m very happy to be the singleton!”) and transfer them in the whale shark jowls of Kate Thornton to the X-Factor set where it can be injected in to the Boot Camp singers in order to make their rejections even more hilarious as they are told by an Irishman with a volcanic paunch that they are crap.
Bianca Gascoigne: Forever puking up words so lifeless they could get work as extras on Emmerdale, the step-daughter of Gazza eventually resorted to a Beau Geste-style ruse whereby she’d carefully position each dead word on the battlements of her sentences to give the illusion of furious cranial activity.
Sophie Anderton: If Robert the Bruce had taken refuge from Edward I in the 21st century and witnessed Sophie Anderton’s persistent and utterly futile attempts to become famous rather than seeking sanctuary in a dark cave and being inspired by a determined spider making her web, then Scottish history could have been very different.
Brendan Cole: After a week or so, it became apparent that the New Zealander was utterly out of place as a living autopsy revealed that he had within him a shred of decency. Next time ITV1, if indeed there is a next time, can’t you just navigate your celebrity tripe trawlers to cast their nets in Chester to entrap some more ‘stars’ of Hollyoaks. Speaking of whom…
Lee Otway: Achieved the unique distinction of being the first man in history to shave his head and manage to appear more effeminate. He will also probably be expelled from the Testosterone Club after he was bested in a fight by a dancer.
Victoria Hervey: In the immediate aftermath of a nuclear explosion, the shockwave speeds out from the detonation flattening everything in its path. This is the effect this peroxide belch has on the quality of TV shows, only redeemed by the potential spectacle of seeing Patrick Kielty melt away in a radioactive goo.
Calum Best: It’s like a man-sized shape has been cut out of the universe and been replaced by a silhouette of absolute nothingness.
Paul Danan: If Mr Danan is ever unfortunate enough to face a firing squad, then the marksmen should be warned to aim for the testicles as they are the only organ in his body that show any sign of life.
Steve-O: A man who makes the world nostalgic for small pox.
Ever seen those huge rubbish tips that sprawl out over vast swathes of land and are pock-marked with washing machines, PCs and magazines that even doctors’ waiting rooms refuse to accept, while sea gulls scavenge for scraps of roast chicken sandwiches and men in baseball caps scavenge for personal details on hard drives? Well, that’s the rest of the Love Island contestants except for presence of the men in baseball caps and seagulls as even they realise there’s nothing of value there.