You need not go to any great lengths to peer into the heart of human darkness any more. To experience heinous vulgar depravities all you need do is tune in to Love On A Saturday Night. Oddly the best feature of this programme is Davina McCall; this is not necessarily a compliment as it’s akin to saying the most appealing element of piles is the unbearable itching.
The studio audience seem to have been assembled as part of a breeding programme to ensure a steady flow of future contestants on Tricia. The females squawked excitedly when “special” guest Rebecca Loos – who now more resembles a disease than a person – picked out two firemen as her possible date, while the males grunted emptily like freshly neutered oxen when Davina introduced the “gorgeously sexy tabloid sensation and all-round superbabe” Jodie Marsh. She had appeared on the last show of the previous series and was filmed enjoying a date at a health spa with nonentity Paul. After the date was over, and she had banked the publicity, Marsh said she was “definitely going to see him again as a friend”. Meanwhile, used and abused Paul was more positive: “I fink vere’s zumfig between us bofe,” he struggled to say.
This just accentuated the abominable wretchedness of Pop Idol, where hopefuls don’t turn up at auditions to be a singer, but instead just want to be famous, while here aspiring suitors turn up to snatch at celebrity not love. This is why no sympathy should be afforded Paul as he grasped for the stars, yet ended up with gutter rat Marsh, and he couldn’t even charm her.
The only person to appear out of genuine need for love was poor Julian, who was socially inept jelly and had eyes that were so close together you could scoop them up in one hand. He had been selected as one of the potential suitors for Cheshire farmer Jacqueline along with handsome barman Sam. From the moment Julian’s profile film was shown, it was obvious Jacqueline would choose Sam as her date. It wouldn’t have been a surprise if the production team had already booked the prize of a visit to a health spa in their names already. Jacqueline didn’t really help matters by doubling up and placing her hands over her mouth in the fashion common to all young ladies when they discover someone they think is unattractive fancies them. But she did at least have the decency to claim it was “really difficult” decision before choosing Sam.
The last item featured superficial lawyer Mike who said he always selected women purely on looks and so had to go on three dates with masked women. Back at the studio, he rejected two of them before Davina asked him what he hoped winner “Miss Emerald” looked like. As he rather optimistically said “blonde hair and blue eyes”, “Miss Emerald” took off her mask to reveal a plain brunette. Mike, however, was unimpressed and stood stiffly with his date while Davina wrapped up this utterly appalling show.