1 – G4’s “unique” version of ‘Crazy For You’ sounded more like one of Westlife’s songs. Sitting through their performance was about as enjoyable and sensible as drinking a pint of someone else’s vomit, then puking it back up and drinking it again.
2 – Sammy Winward’s terrible, out-of-tune performance of Material Girl. How she managed to sound so bad when she was miming is anyone’s guess. But the worst part was that her comments suggested that the fun, tongue-in-cheek nature of the song had passed her by and she seemed to take the song’s celebration of shallowness deadly seriously rather than ironically.
3 – The performers’ comments about Madonna were stock comments that have already been made over 70 billion times about her. They were basically repeated variations of “she’s controversial”, “she’s sexy” “she’s like a chameleon, she always changes her image”, “she’s stood the test of time” etc, etc etc. They also regurgitated Madonna’s accolades, such as constantly reminding everyone that she’s the most successful female artist of all time. As if anyone who tuned into to watch it didn’t know who Madonna was.
4 – Smarmy, boring Ian Wright as host. He was straining to be enthusiastic, bellowing out his clichéd script and such awful cheesy puns as “Your Madge”..
5 – The weird plastic, expressionless cyborg shop window-dummy creatures who danced in the background of every performance. The male of the species dress in sleeveless tops and leather trousers, which, thankfully, suggests that pro-creation will be out of the question and they’ll go extinct.
6 – Debra Stevenson dressed like a toilet roll cover and dancing like someone’s auntie, while an earache/migraine-inducing cheap tinny backing track annoyed us during her performance of Music, one of Madonna’s worst songs.
7 – Nikki Sanderson (aka Candice from Corrie, aka The Street’s deputy answer to Vicky Pollard if Sarah Platt isn’t there), warbling through gym-slip mum anthem Papa Don’t Preach. Her performance was even less convincing than her acting, but not as unconvincing as afterwards when she said “I absolutely loved it, I hope I did it justice, I really enjoyed it” as if reciting cooking instructions.
8 – Someone called Katherine Jenkins said she’d never wear the sort of clothes Madonna has worn; then she came out in a black BDSM dress that looked like it was made out of lace doilies and gaffer tape. Then she wailed a pop-opera version of Frozen.
9 – Javine looking half asleep and bored of her own bland performance of Vogue.
10 – Liberty X’s dull note-for-note cover of Mad’House’s godawful Eurocheese cover of Madonna’s classic Like A Prayer.