What to say if you liked it
Enlighten yourself and learn to act with the grace and decorum of those better than you by right of birth.
What to say if you didn’t like it
Eleven human bullets fired into an empty skull of mindless etiquette under the control of Kathy Hilton, mother of that puerile Paris child.
What was good about it?
• Ann: imagine if a pebble on a beach had aspirations of being a star hanging in the celestial heavens, and you have a notion of the copious delusions of the former Miss Tampa. But through her worrying fantasies, she did provide some moments of utter hilarity.
• The best being just as Kathy was talking to members of the losing “Madison” team (of whom Ann was one), and was delivering her verdict on the behaviour of Yvette, when Ann burst into a version of Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On. Her team “mate” Latricia was perceptive enough to note that “she (Ann) hopes someone is listening to give her a record deal”. And when she was voted out by her the rest of her team, except her cohort Yvette, she moaned that “they ganged up on her”, infuriatingly oblivious that just before the vote the pair had colluded to both vote for Jackaay.
• The few scraps of decency among the contestants – Jabe and Latricia.
What was bad about it?
• Imagine if The Apprentice was an appetising meal that you’d just wolfed down because it was so mentally nutritious. Well, Make Me A Hilton is what you’d vomit back up – half-formed ideas, nebulous dumplings of inspiration that have been chewed clean of their flavour, and a chorus of desperate voices screaming: “I want to be famous.”
• The “task” each team was set didn’t really exemplify any aspect of high-society life, but the scavenger hunt for arts treasures simply tested the applicants’ ability to walk in a straight line, read a map and use a phone, as well as an iota of mental acuity to decipher some Christmas cracker riddles.
• The bewildering desires of the contestants who are enduring these “challenges” to join the elite. Each of the alleged attractions of ascending to that rancid, esoteric stratum of society is false. Champagne tastes like fermented urine; opera is a visual anaesthetic; and fashion is football for those as superficial and disposable as a used tissue – each of these disciplines, rather than being the epitome of high culture, are penances tolerated merely to unlock the gates to the upper classes. It’s only once these trials have been endured that the individual can adopt the only possible incentive – to look into the eyes of other people and sneer: “I’m better than you.”
• Yvette: The Americans may have admirably sent Robbie Williams back in a coffin of his own ambition draped with the flag of the terminally useless, but Yvette slipped in. This Las Vegas showgirl was a ditzy whirlwind of mendacity. She sent Jabe and Latrica on a “wild goose chase” after she incorrectly translated a riddle written in French, and then had the audacity to claim that she should have been on the case for that clue – but it was her mistranslation which wrongly placed it in Jabe and Latricia’s area in the first place.
• And when she vainly tried to justify why it wasn’t hers and Ann’s fault that her team lost the challenge when they were 45 minutes late, meaning an automatic disqualification. Jabe had told Yvette there was no point them rushing back for they’d missed the 4pm deadline, but she lied that the phone call took place well before the cut off point.
• After Ann was voted out, Yvette tried to reconcile with the other members of her team, “Do lawyers always tell the truth?” But it made little difference as Kathy Hilton made an incongruent moral choice and didn’t put “her name on the list” to join the surviving contestants in the smart dining room. As she left bitterly, Yvette reflected with that stupid observation unique to women on reality shows: “The others thought I was a threat” No, they didn’t; they thought you a lying, backstabbing little witch who if dunked in the lake for two hours would emerge smiling insincerely before performing a cumbersome ballet dance.