The Match, Sky One

by | Oct 7, 2006 | All, Reviews

The player ratings:

The Celebrities:

Mark Bosnich: This once-lithe former Man Utd goalkeeper is now so enormous that if you chained him to the floor of the Atlantic Ocean and set off a volcanic reaction in his belly, it would comfortably have the capacity to expand to such a degree that you could celebrate the rebirth of Atlantis. 5

Young Danny Young: Performed capably at right-back in the same way as a tuna performs capably when its lifeless corpse is tossed into a tray by fishermen on a two-week trawl on the North Sea. 5

Ralf Little: All week Ralf’s injury was the big story – think the Wayne Rooney saga without the stellar talent – but he did play. For the second goal he was a child dumped on a roundabout which was then spun like an irate washing machine as Chris Waddle cut inside him to score. 4

Tommy Craig: Plays football in the same way as Napoleon’s artillery shelled British infantry in the 19th century, by booting the ball as hard and as far as he could. 4

Alec Stewart: Curiously older than many of the Legends team, Alec was made to look like a disused road that has been usurped by a cleaner flatter bypass nearby and as a result looked muddied, full of potholes and good only for ushering sheep or cattle along as they mindlessly trot to the slaughterhouse. 4

Jeff Brazier: Jeff’s feet seemed to have been possessed by the souls of a couple of callously drowned puppies that were so inquisitive they pulled his boots in all different directions. 2

Chris Hollins: The son of former player John and the bloke who does the sport on the BBC’s Breakfast should have been sent off twice. Once for, accidentally, going over the top on Des Walker and secondly for pushing the referee after he sent off MC Harvey for being a twat. For the rest of the time he played like a shark’s jaws forlornly snapping at juicy seal meat held just out of reach by a manipulative ringmaster. 3

MC Harvey: Aimless, pointless, humourless, worthless, talentless. The ex-So Solid Crew rapper turned reality TV parasite ran about the pitch like a pair of hands who scraped their elongated, untrimmed fingernails pitifully down the locked door marked ‘Celebrity’. Was sent off towards the end after he spent the whole of the second half trying to kick Denis Irwin. 1

ANTony Hutton: With fame leaving his body like the urban exodus in the four-minute warning before a nuclear strike by some rogue East Asian dictator, the ex-Big Brother winner jerked about the pitch as though he was taking an amorous hippopotamus for a country walk while wearing just a pair of Davina McCall-branded slippers. Hit the post early on with a free kick. 6

Darren Campbell: After running at a predictably high velocity but with as much purpose as rain falling from a cloud, the sprinter was forced off with injury. 4

Sam Robertson: Had a chance to score early on but fluffed it by taking the Steve Davis approach to football by lining up his shot with such excessive deliberation that Des Walker and Colin Hendry not only had time to dispossess him but also to plan and construct a border checkpoint on the edge of the 18-yard box and then to refuse him entry on the grounds that he was (a) Crap; and (b) Neither celebrity or legend, and only on the pitch to enrapture the hormones of the thousands of teenage girls in the crowd. 3The

Legends:

Andy Goram: Looked and played like a boulder that has been breathlessly rolled up to the top of a hill where it will be carved into some fanciful, ostentatious religious monument. Went off injured after 18 minutes when the effort of contorting his granite visage into a smile proved too much. 5

Denis Irwin: Was lucky in that he was up against the irascible MC Harvey and injured Ralf Little, which was the equivalent of being an ambulance blaring its siren ensuring a clear run. Hit the bar. 8

Nigel Winterburn: Owner of the most poutish sneer in the history of British football, the ex-Arsenal left-back glided about the pitch like a yacht stolen by teenagers to sail recklessly about a lake before sinking and drowning the lot of them. 6

Colin Hendry: Defended so comfortably until going off with cramp that he could have earned a few extra quid by hiring out his craggy face as a testing rock climb for bored children in the crowd. 8

Des Walker: Was once heralded to the cries of “You’ll never beat Des Walker”, which was true until his transfer to Sampdoria. There he was outpaced for the first time in his life by Faustino Asprilla, rather like Richard Littlejohn’s shock at being out-bigoted by Prince Philip. From then on he was only good enough to play for Sheffield Wednesday, and now Legends teams who come up against feeble Celebrity sides. 7

David Batty: In olden days, a victorious army used to send one man around a battlefield to finish off any of the foes who were wounded rather than dead. This was David Batty’s role and he succeeded in winding up Sam Robertson to such a level that the Coronation Street token pin up hacked at him. 7

Paul Merson: Commentator Ian Darke claimed that Merson was “the man they used to all ‘the magic man’”. No they didn’t. So bloated he appears to have swallowed all the gases swirling about Saturn. 4

Chrissy Waddle: Dropped his shoulder before dancing past whoever tried to tackle him and scored the second goal with a great run and low shot. Still looks utterly exhausted as though he is a prisoner suffering from sleep-deprivation as part of a strategy by government henchmen to make him confess to imaginary crimes. 8

Peter Beardsley: Beardo still owns the most banal nickname of any footballer, or at least jointly with John ‘O’Sheasy’ O’Shea, his performance showed he had lost little of his trickery in the same way that coughing up blood is a symptom of tuberculosis. 7

Gary McAllister: Sprayed the ball around the pitch like a possessed child projectile vomiting. 8

Ian Rush: Once the best centre-forward in the world, now, at 45, the best ex-pro-celebrity centre-forward in the world, evidenced by stabbing home a free kick. 8

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

07/10/2006

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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