How many items on Monkey Dust were funny?
• TV controller gets excited about the suggestion of Dead Celebrity Cam inside George Harrison’s coffin, presented by Trevor McDonald and Jade from Big Brother. Funny
• After seeing an alien invasion, a man forgets to complement his wife on her new hairdo. Funny
• Essex man v London man – which place would aliens prefer? Not funny.
• Granddad has nothing to wear to his daughter’s wedding – except his Nazi jacket. Funny
• Parents and daughter watch foxes shagging. Funny
• The Brummie terrorists postpone the Jihad because West Brom are playing “the infidel Grimsby” and Stars In Their Eyes is on. Funny
• Clive Pringle’s excuse to his wife for being late home is based on the plot of I Love Rock’n’Roll by Joan Jett. Funny.
• A girl chats up a bloke in a nightclub and imagines he probably dresses in women’s clothing. Not funny.
• An Indian illegal immigrant seeks a wife in a lapdancing bar. Not funny
• Essex man v London man – which place would asylum seekers prefer? Not funny.
• David Baddiel finds the devil who makes lift announcements. Not funny.
• Closeted Jeff goes cottaging at Mardi Gras in Rio but mistakes a real traffic cop for a costumed queen. Funny.
• Old holidaymakers brag about their wealth to their young rep. Funny
• Nazi granddad is in court. Not funny
• Jeff Swoon from Channel 4’s Beyond Reasonable Doubt tries to free an innocent man who is happy in jail. Not funny
• Nazi granddad scares the residents of a retirement home to death. Not funny.
Totals Funny – eight Not funny – eight
Monkey Dust, BBC2, Monday
Did the sketches on the animated comedy invoke a malevolent cackle or simply a shrug of indifference?
• The Controller of a TV station, whose office is a jungle, devises a new reality show – People on the Toilet. Malevolent cackle.
• The Paedofinder General persecutes the host of TV quiz Spell That Name with, “the powers invested in me by News International.” Malevolent cackle.
• As a girl chats up a bloke in a nightclub her fantasies stretch of their possible relationship stretch far into the future to a time when he cheats on her with her own mother. Shrug of indifference.
• Two shaven headed yobs debate where the sexiest girls come from. “Essex!” “Naah, Lunndaahn!” Shrug of indifference.
• The Paedofinder General executes Banjo the “paedo-dog” for licking his owner’s face. Malevolent cackle.
• A riot turns into a theatrical performance by the police. Shrug of indifference.
• TV executives propose a list of new hosts for the Six O’Clock News, but the Controller comes up with a better idea: Tara Palmer Tomkinson. Shrug of indifference.
• Jeff, a first time cottager, journeys to Exmoor to indulge his fantasies but is attacked by the Queer Wolf. Malevolent cackle.
• The Crusades, a blockbuster where all the heroic English knight roles are taken by boorish Americans, while their foe – the Saracen leader Saladin – is played by an Englishman. (“Dedicated to all the Americans who lost their lives in the Early-Middle
Ages”) Malevolent cackle, the best sketch of the show which had a neat subliminal advert thrown in, too.
• An Indian illegal immigrant writes to his parents in purple prose about the delights of Britain. Malevolent cackle.
• The Paedofinder General kills a lifeguard watching over bathing children. Malevolent cackle.
• A lonely man is overjoyed to spend a weekend with his son who lives with his estranged wife in Newcastle, Unfortunately, the boy has adopted the persona of a
Geordie yob to fit in and his distraught father kills himself. Shrug of indifference.
• Clive Pringle pretends he is Jack Bauer to explain to his wife why he is 24 hours late home, but was really buggering a dog. Shrug of indifference.
• An Arab terrorist instructs two idealistic, but Westernised, West Bromwich lads on how to become a suicide bomber. Shrug of indifference.
• An undercover police officer is unmasked and executed by a Essex gangsters after they discover in his possession a video of The Lavender Hill Mob rather than Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels. Shrug of indifference.
Totals Malevolent cackles: Seven; Shrugs of indifference: Eight.
What were the Top 5 highlights on Monkey Dust, BBC2, Monday?
1 A husband forgets to complement his wife’s new hairstyle because he’s in a state of shock after being given a message by the dying James Bond – “Your hair looks lovely” – to pass on to M
2 The middle class dinner party friends decide to forgo a French chalet and spend their money on staging a coup in East Africa but they make a bad choice when they pick mercenary Mad Mike to help them – even though “his son is in the same class as Jude.”
3 A scientist announces a cure for Alzheimer’s but the assembled hacks only care about his gay love life. (The Daily Mirror’s subsequent headline is Get Her! Cure For Alzheimer’s Found)
4 The Kill The Paedophiles mob struggle to find any to kill.
5 The REO Speedwagon-loving, Sylvester Stallone-loving slob meets his new Thai bride (“Man in tank top is both wise and attractive”) but he dumps her when she shows affection
What were the Top 10 items on Monkey Dust, BBC2?
1 A middle-class dinner party is dominated by talk of sanding floors but then an orgy is suggested. No-one’s keen, but one guest is permitted to masturbate while the conversation continues.
2 A teacher advises a pupil to forget about being a firefighter and get a career in reality TV instead, and then tells another pupil he can’t start a History Society because he’ll be too busy studying (A level in hip hip, AS level in flavas etc)
3 Clive’s explanation for his absence of many, many years is based on the plot of the 100 Years War. When his wife susses this, he confesses that he’s spent the time trying to fill a bath with cum.
4 A family are delighted to be ripped off at The Stone Of Wexford Theme Park
5 English yobs watch the History Channel on a pub’s big screen and celebrate riotously the victories over the Scots
6 A fat, wig-wearing, Andy McNab-reading slob gets a Thai bride
8 Pauline from People On The Toilet has eaten three-week old squid
9 A husband forgets to compliment his wife on her new pink hair because he’s been amazed by dancing sea creatures
10 All the employees of an airport turn out to be journalists trying to expose lapses in security
What were the Top 5 items on Monkey Dust, BBC2, Monday?
1 The ongoing satire about complementary magazines taking over the world such as The Mourner, Islamic Terrorist, Directions (all of them including contributions from Amanda Holden such as her pot pourri secrets or favourite salads)
2 The TV controller goes to a showbiz party where everyone (including Slobodan Milosovic) is talking about the hit show People On The Toilet
3 Closeted gay Jeff meets a colleague who is also furtively buying First Time Cottager from the local newsagent. But when Jeff finally gets some action, he complains: “Having a willy in my mouth is not very nice.”
4 Clive explains his 17-month absence by using the plot of Dune
5 Byron has writer’s block when he’s presented with a birthday card to sign
The Top 10 moments from Monkey Dust, BBC3
1 The Paedophile General invading the stage of Fiddler On the Roof – “By the powers invested in me by a text vote on Sky News, I find you guilty of paedophilia.”
2 The bride who buys horrible dresses for her bridesmaids. “Make them look dumpy and silly. Just make ’em wobble.”
3 The squelchy sex between her groom and the maid of honour in the toilet during the wedding reception.
4 Fran, the mother of missing 12-year-old Rebecca, cares mainly that the picture released to the press shows her in a good light. After discarding many, the news bulletin is forced to show a snap taken nine years earlier with mum in the foreground in a bikini and the girl a blur in the distance.
5 The Paedophile General performing Fire at a School Disco and setting light to all the paedophiles in attendance. “You’ve been molesting this little girl.” “She’s 43, she’s from accounts.” “She looks 12 and that’s what counts.”
6 Brad Pitt starring as the (wrongly convicted) Meat Safe Murderer Ivan Dobsky in Fight For Courage: The Patrick O’Drobsky Story, with Jennifer Anniston as Mr Drummond and Eddie Murphy as the wisecracking skateboard.
7 The fat chav women who harm their daughters so they can enter the Children Of Courage Awards.
8 Omar’s jihad on the Sandwell Metropolitan Borough Council because he got a parking ticket.
9 The road safety ad. Driving A Car = Murder
10 Simplex Biosolutions testing biogenetic weapons on an indestructible cartoon bunny called Noodles
The Top 10 highlights of Monkey Dust, BBC3, Tuesday
1 – Fran Chappell, the Missing Daughter Mum, wins a Mawky (an award for women of courage) despite being up against “women who have fought their way back from bone disease and fings like that.” A Phil Hunterish actor from The Bill picks her up and while they are having sex, little Rebecca returns home, only to be sent out into the rain again. “I’ve got a career now. I’m a tragic mum on TV,” she’s told.
2 – A father and his two sons watch a video message from their now dead wife/mum but soon get bored and decide to go to McDonald’s. However, there’s a James Bond film on TV and they’ve got no spare videos…
3 – Crusty, cricket-loving MI5 agents are eavesdropping on Omar and his teen wannabe terrorists as they discuss who to vote for on TV Moments. “Now is the time to be strong in our resolve. It must be Del Boy,” says Omar.
4 – The yuppies talk about Jacob being taught at home – and how he’s not missing out on social situations. “We pay for a bully to come over twice a week.”
5 – Hard times at St Stephen’s Hospital: the n is missing from the sign, a Spar trolley is used to transport patients, a germ is visibly spreading along the walls and floors, babies are given to the wrong mothers, pedal power keeps a life support machine going, surgeons play bridge as waiting lists mount, comic Mark Thomas is hired to entertain the kids but only makes them cry with his left-wing observations, and a mum wants to sew her kids together so they’re easier to handle. She decides to add the dog, too.
6 – A parody of Chocolat. The locals are excited when a mother and daughter arrives to refurbish an old bookies. When the wraps come off, the new shop is merely a pawn brokers offering cheap calls and cheque cashing.
7 – The Paedophile General descends on a family playing French cricket on the beach. “Did you not induce Mr Whippy to offer your daughter a 69?” the PG boomed. “No, a 99.” “Well, that’s like a 69 but 30 worse.” The parents are executed – and so are the kids because the abused generally grow up to become abusers.
8 – At the Slosh Bar, a girl can’t hear what men are saying to her on the dancefloor so she ushers them to the quiet of the bar, only to discover what she missed included “I said that top makes you look fat.” and “I said I want to give you some savage analingus.”
9 – A middle-aged couple hear disturbances outside. “It must be the kids from the flats.” It is. First, the kids are making Vin Diesel fight a bear. Then they’re enlarging the European Union.
10 – Tony Blair’s promises: “Great sex for everyone even if they’re married. One hundred police to solve every crime. Special robots to cure cancer, made out of gold.”
The Top 12 highlights from Monkey Dust, BBC3
1 Mr Scorpion of Allah comes to visit the wannabe terrorists of West Bromwich, where he’s made very welcome by Omar’s junkfood cooking mum. “I spurn the luxuries of the West,” he told her. “I’ll sleep on the roof on a bed of broken glass.” “OK, I’ll get the guest broken glass out,” she says. The boys are forced to tune into Al Jazeera (“People Say The Most Devout Things is on next”) but Mr Scorpion is persuaded to watch WBA in the Carling Cup against the infidel Gillingham.
2 The middle class couple who hear a disturbance outside. “I bet it’s the kids from the flats,” says the wife. The husband checks. Sure enough, it’s the kids. The first time, they’re doing handbrake turns on a giraffe stolen from the zoo; the second time they’ve disproved the theory of gravity. “Typical! Turn the telly up.”
3 Fran Chappell, mother of missing Rebecca, releases a single (Fran Versus MC Chaos) after singing it on Trevor McDonald’s programme. She then replaces the bedside picture of poor Rebecca with one showing her with Trevor.
4 Ivan Dobsky is caught digging his way back into prison. He then attends an all-star concert at Wembley in his honour. “Will Freddie Mercury be there with his string of girlfriends?” He discusses On The Buses with “feared terrorist” Nelson Mandela, watches as Bono donates a phial of his tears to the cause and ignores Jeremy Hardy, whose comedy routine sends the crowd fleeing towards the exits. Then Ivan blows the whole stadium sky high so he can be jailed again.
5 The middle-class dinner party guests all reveal they’ve had kids using IVF with the eggs and sperm of genius athletes – but the kids then descend from upstairs and blow their parents heads off using just the power of thought
6 A family of fat folk overindulge (the baby is fed with cooking oil, the cat ends up trapped in a burger) and then keel over with heart attacks.
7 Tony Blair’s latest promises: “Fluffy kittens for everyone. Everyone’s neighbours to be Tom and Barbara out of The Good Life. The lame to walk.”
8 The Paedofinder General executes two gay men he spots choosing fabrics. “All gays are paedophiles,” he declares. “It is written in stone. On the wall behind the bus station. Where I wrote it.”
9 A girl is told she’s not adopted. She cries at the though of inheriting her mother’s massive arse.
10 At Simplex Biosolutions, Noodles the cartoon rabbit is used to test whether silicon-based skin products cause brain tumours
11 A man can’t avoid being covered in birds**t, even in his own home
12 Wannabe mum Mandy at the dating agency. “What’s his sperm count?”
The Top 11 moments from Monkey Dust, BBC3
1 The Meat Safe Murderer Ivan Dobsky receives the presents his mother sent him in 1974: an Aztec Bar past its best-by date, Please Mr Postman by the Carpenters (“I bet Karen Carpenter’s old and fat now.”), a pocket calculator, a Brentford Nylon stapress suit (“When I folded it up, it knocked out the prison electricity for 24 hours”) and a spacehopper
2 Old-fashioned footballer Roy of the Roasters singlehandedly wins the FA Cup when all his teammates are arrested for sexual offences (“I bet you’re a dirty little bitch when you’re drunk”), more sexual offences (dogging in a layby when the team’s coach pulls in for a cuppa), GBH and drug possession.
3 Fran appears on a TV appeal, nine days after daughter Rebecca went missing. She’s dressed up to the nines (chav style) and tells the presenter: “It’s a pleasure to be here.” Afterwards her friends tell her: “You’re easily as good as the girl who does the weather.” Fran says: “They want me to do Crimewatch but I’m not sure it fits my profile.”
4 The Paedofinder General burning to death the teacher who inadvertantly included the words Townsend, Glitter and King when he rewrote the school’s Nativity Play (“I teach PE,” the teacher pleaded. “Dophilia,” the PG added.).
5 Omar and his pals plan their next assassination. Jack Straw is ruled out (due to the cost of rail travel and the fact that he’s not the one who was married to Kym Marsh). Suggested victims include David Dickinson, Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud and Alfie Moon, before they settle on West Brom defender Darren Moore. (As a bonus, this also featured the boys doing Ricky Gervais’s Office dance).
6 Mayhem involving English football hooligans in Holland. “We were just doing a bit of murdering and the police overreacted.”
7 The funeral where granddad’s face was painted like a tiger to amuse the kids. The funeral of an actress. “I’m not dead. I’ve just had too much Botox,” she says – to herself.
8 A woman is robbed for the fourth time but the coppers can do nothing, even though one of the burglars is still there, trembling behind a curtain. “I wish we could do more. You’ll be contacted in the morning by one of our 53 victim support councellors.”
9 Tony Blair’s new policies: “Misery to be phased out. Magic beans for every household. And education to be free again.” We saw the latter policy being put into action, with high street shops becoming universities and colleges including KFC Hons.
10 At Simplex Biosolutions, Noodles the cartoon rabbit is subjected to BSE doses
11 A dad reads his son a bedtime story about the Big Bad Wolf – and then creeps in wearing a wolf mask to scare the kid into wetting the bed. “You’re such a girl.”
Top 10 highlights of Monkey Dust, BBC3
1 – Fran Chappell has lost her celebrity mum status now that missing daughter Rebecca has reappeared – and become a star in her own right, co-hosting TV’s The Zone. Fran has been reduced to working naked on Granada Cars & Tarts. She eats insects in the hope she’ll be invited on to I’m A Celebrity. But she ends up naked outside ITV. “Gissa job. I’ll do anything. Lezza stuff. Barnyard sex. Anal. Ready Steady Cook. Anything.”
3 – A soldier does the rounds of all the widows of his fallen comrades – passing on messages of love, a dildo (“It’s so you won’t have to marry again”), a punch and a blowjob.
4 – Police raid the West Bromwich home of incarcerated “terrorists” Abdul and Shafiq. They find nothing but get well fed by Mrs Khan who serves up Mr Kipling’s Cherry Battenburg Fancies with Nestle’s Lion King Strawberry Desert and Walls Too Good To Be True Vanilla.
5 – The Paedofinder General executes a wedding party (but fails to spot the guilty looking choirmaster) “by the powers invested in me by mawkish ITV documentaries presented by Martin Bashir.” The Paedofinder General is also spotted looking at child porn sites on the net. “It’s for research.”
6 – At Simplex Biosolutions, Noodles the rabbit fights back in typical cartoon style by dropping an anvil on the head of the doctor who has been conducting nasty experiments on him
7 – An estate agent suggests a couple struggling to get on the property ladder fight a rottweiler to earn £5000.
8 – Tony Blair’s promises: “Eternal life as a right not a privilege. River water to be replaced by lager. Rain to be replaced by sweets.”
9 – The 100m at the Olympics is won by a scrawny Burmese runner when all his steroid-laden rivals explode
10 – The Hollywood blockbuster They All Came Home, showing how the meathead US military blows Freeville to smithereens just so they can save one pilot whose helicopter was downed by a flying champagne cork
Top 10 highlights of Monkey Dust, BBC3, Tuesday
1 – Omar sends Abdul and Shafiq to Iraq while he lives it up with cocktails down The Swan (“It proved impossible to change my dental appointment”). Jihad training is worse than PE, but the pair meet a fellow West Brom fan in the desert before being captured by Americans and left naked in chains. “This is the best holiday we’ve ever had.”
2 – The yuppies talk endlessly about their Aga and the things they’ve given up (TV replaced by a jester, bathroom replaced by crapping out the window, headache tablets replaced by a trapanning drill). After a meal of blackened seabream and charcoaled couscous, the house burns down but they manage to save the Aga. But not their daughter (“Mummy, my legs are hot.”)
3 – The decay continues at St Stephen’s Hospital: an ant invasion, hardcore porn for sperm donors, disgusting toilets (although the disabled loo is pristine), organ theft (a wig, glasses and teeth are all that’s left of a dead man), a man who contracts full-blown racism (“Where’s me Daily Express?”), the bereavement counsellor who is a jokey idiot and an ultrasound revealing a baby which is chain smoking and spraying graffiti.
4 – A man goes into a Soho “lesbian show” but instead of witnessing sex, he is hectored by a radical dyke. He still masturbates, though. (And later that night while reading The Female Eunuch).
5 – The Paedofinder-General is working at Snippy Snaps where he confronts the mother who comes to pick up photos of her naked baby. “You imprisoned a naked child in your stomach for your own sick pleasure,” she is told before being executed.
6 – A father talks about his teenage daughter with new boyfriend Earl, who claims: “She’s my best ho. She makes me 1500 bucks a night.”
7 – Airman Danny returns from the war, but his wife and mother have moved on and got replacements, thinking he was dead. “I saw it on TV’s Naughtiest Helicopter Crashes.”
8 – Tony Blair’s promises: All wars to end until we win. Teleporting devices in every house. Trains to actually turn up.”
9 – Celeb Mum Fran Chappell has a store cleared so she can shop without being pestered.
10 – A woman is told by a shop assistant that a perfume spray has not been tested on animals, so she gets a guinea pig out of her pocket and uses it on him.