MTV Europe Music Awards, MTV

by | Nov 18, 2004 | All, Reviews

• How many performers offered lame and highly insincere patronages of Rome’s beauty? 21.

• The number of awful comic skits, often involving the bumbling MTV France VJ: 10.

• Number of thugs chewing gum as they masqueraded as bodyguards: Eight.

• How many “artists” defined their deluded level of self-importance by the number of thugs chewing gum masquerading as their bodyguards? Seven.

• American “artists” who seemed annoyed that they had to attend: Six.

• American “artists” who looked so clueless they thought they were still in New York: One, Kanye West.

• American “artists” who looked so clueless they thought they were still in New York and had to keep reminding themselves where they were: One, host Xzibit “We’re in Rome, Italy” as opposed to Rome, Finland obviously.

• How many singers did Trevor Nelson damn with faint praise? One – Anastacia who apparently “has a voice like nothing”.

• How many of the shambling Ozzy Osbourne’s sentences were indecipherable? 10.

• Number of hurried close up shots to censor an “artist” smoking: One.

• How many onions would MTV production staff have had to peel to create any semblance of emotion on the crowd’s faces during Maroon 5’s performance? If they procured all the onions in southern Europe and caused a famine it still wouldn’t have been enough.

• On how many occasions did presenters adopt the fawning style of Jonathan (“I genuinely love your record, and I’m not just saying that”) Ross: 19.

• How many native dialects and accents have become extinct across Europe in the past year because of MTV’s callous proliferation of English as the only language of choice? 14.

• The occasions the vernacular of plastic pop (collaboration, artist, hot, project) was employed: 12

• How often did the “artists” speak a basic Italian phrase to ingratiate themselves to the audience but end up sounding like an oily mobile phone entrepreneur chatting up prostitutes in a Roman hotel? 17.

• The number of children who were pointlessly added to a performance in a lurid repetition of Champions League mascots overdose syndrome: 22.

• How many fading footballers made incongruous appearances and got booed? Two, Alex Del Piero and Paulo Di Canio.

• The number of sound dips to censor bad language on the “live” transmission? Eight.

• Which celebrities would be churned out on stage to quell a riotous crowd by provoking them into stunning apathy? Tony Hawk and Elisha Cuthbert.

• Which moment in history did Muse collecting the award for Best Alternative most resemble? When Captain Oates went “outside for a moment” during Scott’s failed Antarctic venture, as when Muse went to collect their gong they were greeted by a similar chilling, crippling silence.

• Faced with the incessant satellite broadcasting of her image through their malleable forms thousands of times a day, what proportion of the world’s clouds are slowly mutating into the vision of Beyonce Knowles? 64 per cent.

• How much of Xzibit’s largely illiterate script was extraneous slurry? 96 per cent.

• How many evanescing 80s pop stars shook hands with the crowd like they were wiping a dog shit covered hand on a bunch of nettles? One, Simon Le Bon.

• How much was our faith in providing liberty to teenagers in Western Europe destroyed by the lazy and facile music they grasp with that freedom? Almost to the point where Michael Howard’s fantasy of a British police state became appealing.

• How many slaves did Sarah Michelle Gellar pressgang into hammering her teeth into perfect alignment? 24,000 imported by her agents from the Valley of the Kings where they’d just finished the pyramid of Ramses III.

• How many middle-aged, though awfully endearing, Goths looked very uncomfortable? One, Robert Smith.

• What precipitous angle of decline must our nation be at if Naomi Campbell is “best of British”? 90 degrees.

• How many mountaineers scaling the world’s most dangerous peaks carry a tape of Maroon 5 that they play in the event of becoming trapped in a suffocating avalanche where they can crack open the auditory cyanide pill and lose consciousness as quickly as possible? None, because in the remote chance of their bodies being retrieved from the mountainside and the Maroon 5 tape being discovered, the shame would be too great and their families would be exiled as pariahs from their community.

• Whom should torch bearing lynch parties of Daily Express readers target most from the Britons at the EMAs? Tim Kash, as hundreds of illegal immigrants could quite easily infiltrate his vacant, hollow chambers and stow away until he arrived back at the Total Request Live studio where their inability to speak coherent English wouldn’t be noticed and may even draw applause.

Luke Knowles

Luke Knowles

18/11/2004

Editor of the website and host of the podcast. A general TV obsessive. I've been running the site since 2008 and you can usually find me in front of the TV. My Favourite show of all time is Breaking Bad with Cracker coming a close second. I feel so passionately that television can change the world and I'm doing my little bit by running this site. You're Welcome!

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